Why should my wife be a virgin?
This post by Ideasmith that linked to further posts by other women suddenly made me want to understand why did men want to marry virgins. Let me try to think like different males of different ages and lets see what I can come up with:
- Damn, she’s done it before me 😦 I don’t want to marry her. I’ve lost the race. [This applies to a guy who’s not done it yet and is extremely competitive]
- Aw shucks… what if she starts comparing me to the other guys…. and I am not good enough 😦 [This applies to a guy with low self-esteem and would especially apply to a guy who’s never done it]
- What! She’s done it before. She’s got no morals. What if she does it with other men after marriage. I can’t marry her. [This applies a guy who doesn’t understand the power of love]
- If I meet one of her ex’s and he reminds me of their time together, I won’t be able to bear it. Wah! 😦 [This applies to
insufferable romanticsweak-hearted mensome men] - She must have become “big” down there. I’ll never be able to fill her and satisfy her. [You need to grow up kiddo]
- She loves to do it too much. What if she can never have enough? She’ll wear me out and still not be happy 😦 [Go out jogging every morning…]
- She might have STD’s. Why take a risk? [The ever cautious idiot]
- She might find me too small and make fun of me 😦
Ok… that is all I could think of. Please don’t beat me up. I just needed a break from work and something to get me to blog… and sex is usually a good topic to get out all that rust 🙂 All these came from all the discussions we had when we were in school and later.
Sometimes age is not enough to grow up.
Null Bit Me 
LOL….I absolutely lurrrve this post! It’s rocking hilarious!
ideasmith
Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 9:39 pm
The original post is the silliest post that I have ever read on the Internet… And I live on the Internet.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 9:55 pm
I did not understand #1 – what’s with the competition about?
I think, you could also write a converse post – ‘Why should my wife NOT be a virgin?’ 😀
Brad
Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 12:19 am
You tell us. I’m curious…
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 9:57 pm
😀 My first time here & I’m ROTFL!!
Melody
Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 11:20 pm
The original poster’s lack of logical reasoning skills is hilarious indeed.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Whew.. no one’s furious yet 🙂
@Brad: I seriously can’t think of a single reason why my wife should NOT be a virgin. It barely takes any time or effort to convert from a virgin to a non-virgin 😛
Null Bit
Friday, March 2, 2007 at 9:54 am
Rephrasing the topic – Why my wife should have at least moderate experience in bed as far as sexual performance is concerned! (Almost sounds like an exact science.)
Brad
Friday, March 2, 2007 at 9:45 pm
It is so that she can replace you more easily when the divorce papers are ready.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:21 am
a wife cant be virgin. girlfriends are virgin, and we make them non vergin
ashish
Saturday, March 17, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Aha! So that is how you got AIDS.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:00 pm
How is your marriage relationship special if your wife (or intended wife) has been physically intimate with other men? What exactly differentiates your “bond”? The 3×5 card issued from the state magistrate costing between $15 and $35 that says you are married for tax purposes? The potential for alimony? The question the groom should ask and get an answer too is why was I not worth waiting for? You didn’t think you’d ever meet me? You thought I wouldn’t mind? Would you mind if I went ahead and had lots of sex with hookers and other people before hand? Why is sex important at all for this woman and what does it mean and furthermore since she is willing to do this with others without such commitment how strong is the bond now that ring is there? Did your future wife not consider that maybe you might be a person with feelings and might not want to share your spouse with lots of other men? Oops! Can’t go there! Wah wah wah! cries the modern woman I want (whatever) now!! I can’t be bothered to think about someone else and if I end up pregnant or with venereal disease or emotional attached just as strongly to boyfriends 2, 5, 12, 17, and 36 oh well he’d just better suck it up and like it. How dare he be a human being to be considered when I haven’t even met him!
ranor
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I don’t believe a single promiscuity-lover has understood a word of what you said. But that’s their problem… Just wait until reality intrudes and bites their asses bringing problems into their marriages.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:04 pm
or throw in the cries of “i can do whatever i want! i’m a modern female, don’t judge me!”. yeah sure we can, we can rape, murder, steal and all that as we please too, cause we are modern. give me a break. and what i absolutely hate about these people is, if you wanna have sex before you are married – great for you, not my problem. but don’t come around to people looking for virgins for marriage and insult them into the ground. seriously. i want a virgin, you don’t. different criteria for marriage. i want my marriage to last long (read: forever), and i don’t want to have sex with someone who has shared body fluids with other people – and that’s my problem and my criteria. and hi reality bites! 🙂
Evelyn
Monday, April 16, 2012 at 6:51 am
Hi, dear. 8)
reality bites
Thursday, April 19, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Hi again Evelyn, our old blog
seems truly gone forever, so
feel free to bookmark this
“new” blog that you already
know:
http://tinyurl.com/celdqu6
(shortened URL)
We’ll talk here from now on. 🙂
Anyway, if for any reason we
lose touch with each other just
look for “reality bites” (my
nickname) on the Internet. 😉
I’ll use my usual avatar icon
whenever possible.
Please post something on
this blog when you get the
chance, thank you. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, September 13, 2013 at 8:53 pm
I like my woman jus the way she is non virgin… Oh well we all hav 2 go through some thing some time in life because nobodies perfect.
Anonymous
Monday, July 2, 2007 at 11:29 am
Nobody’s perfect. Except a virgin.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:08 pm
In today’s time when marrige’s happen late in life almost everyone encounters love and the attraction towards opposits sex, the exitement and eagerness to experiment and know leads to sex. It just happens. What is important is that we should make sure we stay faithful to our partners after marrige.
Vinny
Saturday, August 18, 2007 at 11:03 pm
So you can do orgies before marriage, but only your spouse after marriage? Why, oh, why, exactly?
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:10 pm
Why should my wife be a virgin? Well… I can think of a few reasons why she should be a virgin out side of religious beliefs.
I am sorry but STDs are a big thing. If you go to bed with a girl and are not sure if she has an STD you are an idiot! Why take the chance for a half an hour of pleaser? If the girl is a virgin, that likelihood of her have an STD is greatly diminished.
Another reason why your wife should be a virgin is because what you learn with one guy doesn’t necessarily transfer to the next guy. What one guy likes is no guaranty that the next guy will like. So why get the experience and then have something to compare with you are married to the girl.
Another reason my wife should be a virgin is because it re-enforces that she will be faithful to me after marriage. The power of love you said in you reasoning. I have see love faith continually! 1 our of every 2 marriages end of in divorce! Where is your power of love! It takes more than just love to make a marriage work! It takes commitment and trust! The power of love indeed! Truly love is giving with or without receiving anything in return. Truly love is not self-seeking! Truly love will wait for she future husband.
Which leads me to my next point, why my wife should be a virgin because that is the ultimate wedding gift. She is saying that she loved me so much that she was willing to wait for me. She isn’t so needy that she shacks up with some guy just to feel loved. (that brings a tear to my eye).
And I take it this group is not religious. So I will not go into what the Holy Bible says.
(But just between you and me, I am probably going to be cursed to marry a girl that is not a virgin just because I wrote this. haha)
Danny
Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I applaud the immense courage that took you to say (with a straight face) that NullBit did a “reasoning”. We look forward to more of the same from him, for our own entertainment of course!
Power of love? Just who came out with that bullcrap on his head. Oh, wait. NullBit did. Give me self-interest and it will beat “the POWAH OF LURRRVE” (now that is a REALLY hilarious concept!) ANY DAY. Mind you, NullBit is a grown-up; it’s true, I read it on the Internet! Don’t believe me? Google it up.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Some men think being a virgin means the girl had no “opportunities” to lose it. As in she must be worthless, ugly and so on. Also I don’t get the hypocrisy. She may not have stds if she is a virgin but that is no gurantee since she has parents who might have contracted an std they passed on to their kid. Also men should hold themselves to that standard because men can carry stds too. I would love to see a man be dumped because he isn’t a virgin and therefore “unclean.” Only then would he understand how it feels like to be rejected for something that is “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
Eve
Eve
Friday, April 25, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Rejection does not bother a true man in the least.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:23 pm
you are right EVE men should hold themselves pure for their future wife also. Smart people wait for their spouse only wild animals don’t have the control required to maintain purity. I’m tired of people acting like well one sex doesn’t wait on the other so it somehow validates their lack of control……. both parties should wait. Forgiveness is a hard pill to take.
jwalker
Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 1:55 am
agreed with all. Eve, I dumped my first bf after I knew he wasn’t a virgin. He didn’t have full intercourse but i didn’t care. as long as you had any sexual contact with any female, don’t think for one second I want to be with you.
one of his reasons that he liked me was because i was “pure”. well, idiot, if you want your wife to be pure or whatever, keep YOURSELF pure too. what is this double standard? you can have sex whenever you want but then you want the woman staying with you forever to be a virgin? give me a break.
to think that the woman he even thought of sleeping with physically resembled a Humpback whale. and she slept with other men before. and he knew it. and still slept with her.
and i’m sorry, you want to share your body fluids with ME? DREAM ON dude!
Evelyn
Monday, April 16, 2012 at 7:00 am
I am a 28-year old virgin (male). Not because I did not have any opportunities, but because, as was mentioned by ranor and Danny, I believe it is the ultimate wedding gift. It is absolutely true that it is the one aspect that differentiates you from all the other ‘boyfriends’. If she has ‘given’ that to 2 or 3 or 10 other men, what makes you different and special? What will you have ‘inside’ of marriage that the others did not have ‘outside’ of marriage…nothing. just as love, trust and respect should be found jn marriage, so should these be found in relationships, so there is really nothing left for you that makes you unique as her husband. And these standards apply to both sexes! I hate the fact that the world goes out after short term joy and acceptance, and in doing that sacrifies something so worthy, intimate and special!
Doors
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Such short-term joy is short-lived, whereas the marital problems caused by premarital sex are a long-term curse.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:38 pm
my slut wife jaqueline vasquez is not a virgin. she is a cheap whore that had sex with 2 guys b4 me.
yo mom
Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 3:22 am
I feel bad for you.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:40 pm
Ranor, Eve, Doors, etc make so much sense. If she has slept with people before you but want to marry you, then what is she bringing into the marriage? Sure she’ll claim to take care of you, love you, etc etc but she has already shared the most intimate activity with someone else. If she wasn’t raped, what was she thinking?
I was with a girl who said the right things to me “oh i was in love with the other guy when we had sex but I assumed he would marry me”. Sorry, I am not going to marry you because I think you won’t be wise enough to have my baby and run a household.
Kunal
Thursday, September 25, 2008 at 3:14 am
Well said. “Love” means nothing, really. What does “love” mean, anyway? That she felt butterflies in her stomach and opened her legs to him just for that? Ha.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:45 pm
Those who have had multiple sexual partners will not find issue with a wife or husband for that matter, who has had one or more prior partners. The reason being is that the more sexual partners a person has the less meaningful the physical and mental sexual connection becomes to that person, man and women alike.
So ask yourself honestly:
Q: What makes a husband/wife,(marriage) any different then a boyfriend/girlfriend,(dating)? Is it because now that you are married you have decided not to have sex with anyone else?
C: Well, you already did. In fact you most likely had your fill of sex with others and now you wanna “settle down”. Now at this point, sex in your marriage is just a thing you do to fill your physical needs. The true meaing of sex between man and wife is lost. You missed the best part.
NO, I would NOT marry a woman who is not a virgin.
However, Keep this in mind.
If you are not a virgin you cannot demand a virgin.
More Al
Sunday, January 18, 2009 at 11:25 pm
A fine synthesis of good points.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Also, if you are ok with wife not being a virgin —— PROVE IT.
Ask her about previous sexual experience(s).
Get details, find out how she feels/felt about each partner, physically and emotionally.
If she does not tell you it’s most likely because there are strong feelings for one or more partners and what she knows that you don’t know may hurt you. What she wont say is that he made her feel better then you do currently.
When you’re done with that ask yourself honestly, how do you feel about your wifes virginity now.
Roscoe
Sunday, January 25, 2009 at 6:53 pm
People tend to hide their premarital sexual past, probably because they know it is wrong.
Anonymous
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 10:59 pm
roscoe! doors! goood points.
stillhazard
Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Some of the best.
Reality Bites
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 11:01 pm
another thing, this might be part of male genes, if other guys can’t put up with that they must be gay, no self-respect or a women trying to dignify her ultimate failure of not being capable of remaining a virgin, to give in to a guy who is no longer with her. lmfa0 haha, left, abandoned, unvirginised, you still consider marriage?
stillhazard
Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Never.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:04 am
Why would a man need or want to marry a women these days anyway ?
Everything I can get from a having wife I can get from a girlfriend or just some chic i’m having sex with. Without the real commitment. These chics don’t respect themselves that’s why they give it up so easy. If I had to be married i’d take an a ugly virgin over a pretty whore.
Samson
Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 10:59 pm
me too! man i agree with a 100 percent id do the same thing
Anonymous
Monday, April 19, 2010 at 5:10 am
Ditto.
Reality Bitea
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:07 am
Ugly virgin all the way. All her beauty is inside her soul as she waited for ME!
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:06 am
i disagree with u not all virgens ar ugly just because somebody is virgin doesent mean their ugly is because they have beliefs they want to wait for marrige
lily
Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at 7:35 am
I fell madly in love with a girl when I was 18 and we dated for six months before she told me she was not a virgin. This had a devastating effect and I’m unsure why I felt so sad but I did. I became angry towards her when drunk and whereas previously I had been a true gentlemen now I began to demand sex immadiately from her and was far less generous (I refused to celebrate Valentines day and such).
I never told her I was a virgin because when I met her because I felt so bad she had not waited for me that I did not want to give her the gift of me so I lied about my past. I would have married this girl if she had been a virgin as I was a virgin at the time without a second thought.
I can honestly also say I completely lost the respect of her and felt that our time together was not intimate so it made it very easy for me to cheat on her which I did on a few occasions. I also told her outright that it would be a cold day in hell if I married her and even if I did I would refuse to let her wear a white dress on our weddig day so her mother would know she was not a virgin (Her mother had a strong opinion on this).
With my strong opinions we finally broke up after 5 years. Because of this bad relationship I found it very hard to become close to a girl and here I am now five years later and I have found another girl.
This time I have met a lovely Thai girl and she is truly sweet with us being a perfect match. I had expected this girl had been with a Thai guy given our age but it took her three months to tell me she was with another foreigner before me. Again I went from really loving a person to now feeling very sad. Again I have explained quite clearly because of her past I will not marry you. It is now a lot more serious though as she is pregnate and is unable to live in my country without a serious commitment from me (Our immigration department). I can also say that 2 weeks after she told me about this I again lost respect for our intimate time together and I decided not to come home for the night and spent the night partying, drinking, and then finally having sex with a bar girl.
Can someone explain why I get these feelings I really want to find happiness but….
Mal
Malcolm
Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Sorry to break it to you but I’m a 20 year old virgin girl and I know I want to marry a virgin guy. Dude you cannot be asking for a virgin when you’re not one yourself. lol You’re a real jurk for judging women like that. Yes they’ve had sex but so have you. You’re not any better than they are and you’re probably going to end up with a non-virgin wife. If you really wanted a virgin you should’ve waited as well. Trust me it’s as hard for women as it is for men but us women who are saving it are not going to settle with men who have done the deed. NO DOUBLE STANDARDS!!!
Student Y
Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 4:43 pm
He can only accept a virgin. So he should look for one regardless. But he must immediately tell her all his sexual past and let her decide before she starts to love him.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:18 am
dude i know exactly how you feel.i know that feeling of picturing another man touching your beloved girlfriend before you. the thought of it is depressing -.- iam still looking for that virgin my self. all my relationships have been a disaster because of this. as soon as i find out about a girls past even if shes only had sex with only one guy before me. i start acting different towards that person. it really sucks man. i feel that if i dont meet this unique girl iam looking for iam gonna end up marrying some pretty girl who i dont have feelings for just so i could have kids.
Anthony Montehermoso
Monday, April 19, 2010 at 5:33 am
Man, you must NEVER give up. Only a virgin will make you happy. Believe me when I say that retroactive jealousy never goes away. Do not go down that accursed path. Marry a virgin instead. Do not say I didn’t warn you.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:20 am
Man, dump all bad girls, find a virgin and you both abstain from sex until marriage. It is not difficult to understand but it does take effort.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:15 am
You have these feelings because you feel cheated out of something that would rightly belong to you and you alone as her HUSBAND !
I can understand your feelings in regard to the first woman as you were a virgin at the time.
However, you are no longer a virgin and niether is your new girl.
How can you ask for something of her that you can’t give yourself ?
Your days of demanding a virgin ended when you inserted your penis into a vigina.
More Al
Monday, March 9, 2009 at 5:03 am
He can still look for a virgin but he must immediately reveal his sexual past to her so she can accept it or leave before getting too involved.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:23 am
This is why so many men have little to no respect for women. There are to many woman out there that give themselves to easily to often. What husband wants to hold a conversation or shake hands with the man who his wife used have sex with when she was just the other mans girlfriend or even worse, his play thing. Do you really wanna kiss a woman whose had someone elses penis in her mouth and make her your wife ?
Ochola
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Hell no.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:25 am
I got married to my wife who is not a virgin anymore. she was with someguy for six long years before me. Lets be honest with six years relationship with her ex. like its not necessary to elaborate. now we have kids. at first i thought i was able to accept her despite of “six” yrs before me. Now I have doubts to myself, i cant find an honor as a man, thinking that someone has screwed my wife before me for six heck long yrs then dump her.
brite
Thursday, April 9, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Read that, people? Deprogram yourself from Hollywood sex crap. They don’t tell you that premarital sex is a sure source of marital problems. Ignore that and be unhappy for many years to come, perhaps for the rest of your marriage (or life).
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 8:29 am
u guys are jerks,and how dare u pull the religious card! remember when jesus said he without sin cast the first stone? i was molested as a child and brought up without guidence i lost my virginity.now years later i am very religious and changed my whole life around and have been abstinent.i repented,but i cant change the past if i could i would.now i meet a guy who has feelings for me and i love him.hes religious but cant get past me not bein a virgin to marry me though he wishes he could get past it cuz he likes everything about who i am as a person now.i want to be with him no one else and think the world of him.we are both abstinent now and have never slept with each other,but before he became born again he used to sleep with non virgins as well as virgins then leave them.then he married a virgin and she was never greatful for anything and after 2 yrs she left him.now he meets me who does value him and accepts him for who he is now not who he was and we want the same things yet he cant get the virgin thing outta his head,though atleast hes praying about it.its a double standard.if god can forgive we cant society.i agree if people are still doing bad things but if they have repented and truly changed why deny a possibility of true happiness?leave the past in the past and judge them for how they act today.we all have skeletons in our closet and as he found out not even virgins are perfect cuz a month after she was with another guy!so just because someone makes mistakes in their past they should be doomed to misrable for the rest of their lives no matter how long its been or how much theyve changed?thats bullshit cuz then no one should have the right to be happy and find love.no one is going to be perfect so u have to out weigh how many good things they have compared to things u dont like.if theyre willing to marry you theyre saying regardless they want to be with u and only u from that day forward for the rest of their lives,thats pretty big virgin or not.
mahleg
Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 12:59 am
No one blames you for being a victim of molestation in the past, but you are responsible for your voluntary intercourse.
There are numerous studies that prove that premarital sex is bad. Google for them. Bottom line, virginity until marriage is the best thing for both female AND male. (Down with double standards!)
Just one premarital partner multiplies divorce probabilities at least 9 times for female and 15 times for male. And it only gets worse from there.
Last but not least, retroactive jealousy rarely (if ever) goes away since it’s a genetic thing. It can hardly be helped. How long can one swim against a strong current? Even world-class athletes get tired sooner or later.
Reality Bites
(still a virgin)
Reality Bites
Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 9:05 am
YES, your wife should be a virgin and so should her husband.
GODs layout as part of a health marriage.
Respect Urself
Friday, April 17, 2009 at 11:53 am
Few people believe that God exists. Even less listen to His advice. But who cares? It still is good advice regardless. If they want to be unhappy, more power to them.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:27 am
My wife has a huge past ( intimate relationship with a guy for five years )…and so that makes me the second man in his life. I do want to spend my life with her (I love her seriously)but all these comments and posts are making me confused.
What do I do ?
need help
Tuesday, May 5, 2009 at 1:16 am
Don’t do it bud. It does not get any better. I have suffered for 35 years with a woman I love and who has been a faithful partner since marriage(but not before). Sure the good out weighs the bad. But you suffer….
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 2:08 am
Seems like a very poor choice to me. No offense, eh?
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:35 am
Dump her and marry a virgin instead. The chemical euphoria (what you call “love”) will be gone sooner than you think, and only retroactive jealousy shall remain. Trust me on this one.
I hope for your sake that you replace her with a better, VIRGIN woman. Do listen to my advice. She may seem irreplaceable to you right now but let me tell you, she is not. No one is.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:31 am
Do what makes you happy.
Some men can’t stand the fact that their wife has had sex with someone other than them. Some men don’t mind at all. Don’t be concerned about how others feel about it, how do you feel about it ?
Braddah Time
Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Some men call “marriage” a cuckolding arrangement, and those are the only ones that don’t mind their wife being fucked in the past… Or in the present and future, for that matter.
Such relationships are totally meaningless, regardless of what the State calls them. And so are the people who are into them. They are not anymore married than animals who can only act out of sexual instinct. They do not need marriage, nor will they ever understand what’s it for. They are simply live-in “fuck buddies” and that’s it, but don’t you ever dare tell them unless you are prepared to face their rage!
I suppose some people get married because of the fashion effect, or because they were indoctrinated to do so.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:46 am
Marry a virgin and save yourself for your spouse if you are one. Its too painful to marry someone who’s not -trust me. My wife (who was very promiscious before we met) took my virginity while we dated and now we’ve been married over a decade. I’ll just say this, I’ll never divorce her, and she’ll never know this, but If I could do it over again, I would not have spoken to her in the store where we met, I would just walk away.
Blah
Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I agree with you 100% Blah.
I love my wife but if I could do it again, I was so tired if I had just stayed at home with my firend that night I would never have met her at that disco.
Malcolm
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 4:01 am
Discos and bars are GREAT for meeting VERY promiscuous women!
I hope you find a better woman for yourself. You only live once, so find a worthier woman as soon as you can.
Reality Bites.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:53 am
Don’t make a bad mistake any worse. Replace her with a virgin. The chemically-induced sadness will go away way faster than you think, and certainly many times faster than the slow suicide that your “marriage” is.
Sorry to be blunt. But that’s what I think.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:51 am
Alot of men feel that way.
It used to be that men would not admit it or say it but now I see more and more men who say exactly what Blah wrote.
Tanny
Wednesday, July 8, 2009 at 2:53 am
Hey, Hollywood Movies NEVER tell this to us.
I wonder why?
Perhaps premarital sex may not be “all fun and games”? Perhaps premarital sex has emotional and spiritual consequences?
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:57 am
I know exactly how these other guys feel. My wife was not a virgin when we met and it bothers me even after ten years of marriage. I love my wife and thought I could get over her past. Like Blah I’ll never divorce my wife but the pain of knowing that she was someone else’s play thing makes me angry. Young girls of today (who will be the future wives and mothers) remain virgins and give the ultimate gift of love to your husband. And guys respect a virgin when you meet one. If you need physical gratification do so with a non-virgin.
Anonymous
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Good advice for the new generations, my friend.
However… You may not divorce your wife, but she may divorce you. Retroactive jealousy is a pain even for the spouse… And it never goes away. (The RJ, not the spouse). Sorry to crash your party, I just had to say this. And that you do not have to live with someone whose past bothers you (as it always will).
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:04 am
hey u mens who are not virgens and want to marry a virgen i dont think a virgen girl want to marry u because she would probly want a virgen husband too and dont judge girls because they slept with other guys nobody is perfect so dont judge people
layla
Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at 7:54 am
I am a 24 year old woman and I completely understand men that want virgin wives. It is how God intended it to be. Not just women though, men too. However, with all the promiscuity in the world it’s very difficult to find a woman with such strong morals. If you do meet someone who has been with someone else and it bothers you, then don’t even waste their time. I was a virgin until I was 19. I fell madly in love with a guy, I lost my virginity to him because I loved him and we were going to get married. Then he broke up with me. I was devastated. Something so valuable to me was just taken away and I felt worthless. I didn’t have sex again for a very long time. Until I met my husband. He didn’t mind that I had been with one other guy. He loved me for who I was. And after being with him I realized I never had an orgasm with my first. We are so happy now with our baby boy. It all depends on the person. Women, respect yourselves and be smart. Men, don’t be too judgemental. If a marriage is only about whether you’re a virgin or not, then you haven’t found the real reasons to get married. Nobody is perfect and if God can forgive our sins, why can’t you? I have no respect for women who just do it with random guys and same goes for guys with women. But if someone really repents for what they’ve done in the past, then let it go. Chances are you think about it more then they do. God bless you all.
John
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 1:39 am
Your failure to uphold the Christian rule of virginity until marriage is at the core of the problem, and let me assure you that it is not God’s fault. I know, truth is always harsh and never kind.
That said…
“Letting it go” will neither restore your crippled intimacy, nor prevent the negative consequences of your sins. God may forgive you (He does not have an interest in fucking women, at least not to my knowledge) but the damage is undoubtedly done.
And your reference to orgasm seems like an attempt to compensate your husband for the loss of your virginity to a totally meaningless jerk. But let me tell you, your husband is not the only one who can give you an orgasm. As you’ll probably discover WHEN you first cheat. So what exclusive gift do you have left for him? Absolutely NOTHING.
“You think about it more than you do”. Of course. You have sexual fun all you want, and when the party is over you pretend that men put up with your shit? No way woman. Glad you found a loser to take you off the marriage market, though. That way *I* won’t have to waste *my* time on the likes of you.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:30 am
This post made me feel so much better thank you!!!
Anonymous
Sunday, October 24, 2010 at 2:36 am
To each his/her own.
But repenting can only cleanse one’s conscience. It cannot erase the past or its consequences.
Reality Bites
Saturday, February 12, 2011 at 1:26 am
I am a 24 year old woman and I completely understand men that want virgin wives. It is how God intended it to be. Not just women though, men too. However, with all the promiscuity in the world it’s very difficult to find a woman with such strong morals. If you do meet someone who has been with someone else and it bothers you, then don’t even waste their time. I was a virgin until I was 19. I fell madly in love with a guy, I lost my virginity to him because I loved him and we were going to get married. Then he broke up with me. I was devastated. Something so valuable to me was just taken away and I felt worthless. I didn’t have sex again for a very long time. Until I met my husband. He didn’t mind that I had been with one other guy. He loved me for who I was. And after being with him I realized I never had an orgasm with my first. We are so happy now with our baby boy. It all depends on the person. Women, respect yourselves and be smart. Men, don’t be too judgemental. If a marriage is only about whether you’re a virgin or not, then you haven’t found the real reasons to get married. Nobody is perfect and if God can forgive our sins, why can’t you? I have no respect for women who just do it with random guys and same goes for guys with women. But if someone really repents for what they’ve done in the past, then let it go. Chances are you think about it more then they do. God bless you all.
Jennifer
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 1:40 am
Why can’t I forgive sins like God? I’ve heard that guilt trip before. The answer is simple I am man. God can also forget our sins. Man cannot forget something like this that his wife has done. It will always be there between you and in your bedroom and at reunions. He will not say anything but the resentment grows. It is something so big you cannot discuss it. Am I correct? It must stay hidden in the dark. And we hide it from our children.
We are supposed to feel better because you loved your first mate? You think your emotional attachment to another person is comforting to us? Likewise it not comforting to know you didn’t really have an orgasm with your first either. This is similar to the girl who thought I should feel better because she and her first never got totally undressed.
Marriage is much bigger than a wife not being virgin but we should not and cannot minimize it’s importance. God designed your hymen for a reason.
Sin can be forgiven by God and trespasses can be forgiven by men but consequences remain.
I do not intend to be hateful but I do intend to be honest.
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 2:01 am
And to add to that;
The only exception GOD gave that makes divorce acceptable in GODs eyes is Fornication.
I’m not suggesting that anyone get divorced. Upon reading you find that a husbands heart will be hardened by his wifes fornication and for that reason only, divorce was allowed.
Deuteronomy 24 & Matthew 19
StrangeDays
Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Guilt-tripping is a favorite trick/tool to extort forgiveness out of you, and the religious kind of guilt-tripping often does so by using the blackmail weapon of eternal damnation against all who do not forgive! Can’t you see the flames of Hell below you?
But remember this, extorted forgiveness is not real forgiveness; it is neither lasting nor cause of good events. In fact, it leads to poor choices and lasting unhappiness. Broken marriages are proof.
So DUMP guilt-trippers in a flash, lest you get caught in their net and suffer a lifetime of retroactive jealousy as a consequence.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:47 am
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? 😉
barny
Monday, September 14, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Words of wisdom, my friend.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:50 am
I was not the first person my wife has had sex with. Although she’s never told me I get the feeling she wishes she should have waited to give the ultimate gift of love to me, her husband. As much as we love each other, she will never find honor as a woman knowing that she lost something beautiful and precious to a guy who fucked her for two years before dumping her. She knows that our love, our marriage would have been so much more intense and stronger if she saved her virginity for me. She lost more than her virginity when she decided to fuck the guy who eventually dumped her. She gave away something that would have created a deeper and more meaningful marriage relationship.
Anonymous
Sunday, October 4, 2009 at 12:05 am
My experience is similar. First you are curious about her past then questions lead to resentment that becomes hatred. Because you love her you hold it all in. This manifests itself in a lower level of love and little uncontrollable reactions. Please girls if you love your future husband do not do this to him. Many just like me cannot forgive and forget so easily.
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 1:28 am
No one can.
Anyone saying otherwise is really “grinning and bearing it”. They just won’t admit it to themselves.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:11 pm
I feel bad for you.
Best wishes for your second-rate marriage.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm
My wife and I used to talk for a while and never had sex. We kissed and that was really about it but, one day I decided to just stop talking to her I broke her heart. At the time I did not care at all, but then about 4 months later I sent her a text and she just vented to me. She was with a guy for a week and had sex due to peer pressure. He had sex with her for literally two minutes he did not ejaculate or anything she told him to stop because she knew what she was doing was wrong and they used a condom. 13 days later we got together and have been together ever since. I love her with all my heart and she loves me soo much to. I’ve had sex with her now numerous amounts of time. I was the first person she gave oral to her first kiss. Should we really let 2 minutes effect us for the rest of our lives? She even bled the first time we did it because, her hymen was not fully deteriated. Shes cried numerous times but I guess that what i get for breaking her heart the first time.
Anonymous
Sunday, October 24, 2010 at 12:27 am
Two minutes ruined your one chance to be sexually exclusive. Think it won’t ruin your life?
Talk is cheap, facts speak volumes.
Welcome to the real world, where the higher the sexual partner count the higher the chance of divorce. And no matter how many times you two have sex, nothing will change the past. And your wife will still regret about it, for many years at least.
See you next time that she loses control. Be it due to peer pressure, boredom, or whatever the excuse of the month is.
Reality Bites
Saturday, February 12, 2011 at 1:46 am
I posted above:
We are now married and have a baby girl.
I still feel bad inside at times and certainly don’t spend time near my girl if I’m drinking.
My issue is not that she had slept with someone it is that she directly told me ‘I dont know any foreigners and have never had a foreign boyfriend’. What she should have said is that ‘I have never had a foreign boyfriend but I had a three month sexual relationship with another foreigner’ If she had of told me about her relationship with a foreigner the first time I had asked her this I would have thanked her for her time and been on my way.
All I ever wanted was to have a special girl and to be a special guy or my girl.
The problem is that I feel I was forced to marry her because there is now a child involved and I have even stronger opinons about a child needing two parents. Our wedding was nothing more than signing some paperwork at a marriage office as I told her ‘western christian wedding have a special meaning and I can not be bothered putitng on a false show simply to make wedding organisers rich and keep photographers happy’
I can also say that my attitude has changed from being the most generous person in the world to something completely different. I guess it dosen’t help I earn 180K and she earns nothing now and really given her nationality has limited income earning potential. I went to a special effort to ensure my assets are structured in a way and that my income is paid into an offshore account and any new assets are to be put in trust so that if she did decide to leave, she leaves with absolutely nothing. We are also keeping seperate accounts and I give her an allowance each month, this really is not the normal behaviour for a loving husband.
Anyway we have sat and spoken about her lies and she says sorry for lieing but I still get the feeling that she is not sorry for what she actually did.
I’ve also started spending more time than a married man should with beer bar girls which frighteners her a little.
I dont think the pain ever goes away.
Malcolm
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 3:54 am
I would also like to add that the consequences of her lies have caused her a lot of pain aswell. She now given her actions feels she can not trust me.
Imagine how hard it must be for her feeling she can not trust her own husband because she made a serious mistake in life.
This level of trust must be killing her because hse just asked the receptionist if I had brought any girls back to the room while she has been away. She also warned me that she would ask the receptionist each time she went away to keep a special eye on me. she has rights to feel like this because right now I’m thinking of a way of meeting up with this sweet girl I met about a year ago in Samui so that we can spend some romantic time together.
Malcolm
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 3:05 pm
If she were a man, the fucking feminists would have said that this person was controlling and insecure. But since she is a woman, no one says a thing. Strange!
Damn feminists and their DOUBLE STANDARDS. Damn them all to everlasting hell.
By the way, she has NO right to treat you like that. REFUSE to be treated like that, and in fact capitalize on her behavior to justify a divorce. You hold the cards.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:43 pm
You have my sympathies.
Children are the perfect trapping devices to catch unsuspecting husbands. You should divorce her before she divorces you. The marriage is effectively over. I hope that your kids are not traumatized by the divorce process.
HUGE kudos to you for bulletproofing your assets. Keep doing that, there are excellent courses on asset bulletproofing (written by top lawyers) that you can buy on the Internet and it will be money far better spent than on alimony.
See, premarital sex causes negative consequences lasting far beyond the temporary pleasure. Let your experience serve as a warning to all unbelievers (who must be wearing blinders greater than horse blinders as they read this page; ignoring reality must be way too convenient for them, and more palatable than facing the unpleasant truth!).
The pain does never go away. And your wife is a liar, she is lying with a straight face to boot, she extremely enjoyed her premarital sex, yet she is jealous that frivolous bar girls get more attention than her. Divorce her man, and don’t look back. I hope you do have the guts/cojones to do this. Your happiness is at stake, whether you admit it or not.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I notice that you mention, “‘western christian”. In your comments.
1) Were you a virgin when you married your wife ?
2) Is your wife Christian ?
3) Are you Christian ?
Wheather you and your wife are Christian or not but especially if you are; if you were not a virgin at marriage then you are just as out of line as you claim her to be.
I can see your point and understand your disappointment if you were a virgin and married her only to find out the truth afterwards.
However, GOD requires both man and woman to be without sex before marriage.
If you have not complied with your part then you need to seriously rethink your stance on this matter.
Web Professor
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I did not expect my wie to be a virgin. In this case I completely understood the situation and just expected that I be the only foreigner she had been with.
Malcolm
Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 1:24 pm
People, take note. This did not go well.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm
He has a right to happiness whether he is Christian or not, and whether he and his wife were virgins at marriage or not.
He has the right to search for a new, virgin girlfriend and to inform her of his sexual past so she can decide whether to marry him or not.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Jennifer makes some really good points ….
Both men and women are supposed to be virgins until marriage.
So men, (this includes me as I am a man) don’t ask for what you can’t give in a marriage. In other words don’t ask that your wife or future wife be a virgin if you are not.
When two people have sex their souls becomes intermingled. The woman usually, (being a more emotional being) takes on traits, morals and character of her male partner. Although they both share traits, character & more the womans will show on the surface more so than the man. A man will show these things but mostly to his woman.
With that being said, let’s look at a woman with multiple partners. She has shared traits, character and more with multiple partners and now all this shared “information” is now apart of who she is. For a woman it is almost impossible for her to give her full self to her current man due to the fact that her full self was given to the first partner and wasn’t available for any of the partners that came behind the first. This can be seen by studying the level of blind trust a woman who is still with her first has for her man vs. a woman who has had multiple partners. The looking at the level of blind trust a woman had for her first vs. The level of blind trust she has for her current partner who is not her first.
A woman will trust her first with explanation or oncern of consequence, no other partner wil ever get that.
There are exceptions, such as rape, molestation, trickery or any situation where a woman,(and in some cases young girls) doesn’t
give herself freely. That connection with the sexual partner is limited, temporary or nonexistent.
Web Professor
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 5:58 pm
QUOTE
There are exceptions, such as rape, molestation, trickery or any situation where a woman,(and in some cases young girls) doesn’t
give herself freely. That connection with the sexual partner is limited, temporary or nonexistent.
/QUOTE
Limited, temporary or nonexistent my ass. Rape, molestation, trickery leave permanent, indelible consequences. Just ask the victims, to be sure.
Anonymous
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 12:57 pm
[quote]Test[/quote]
Nothing to see here, carry on. 😛
Anomaly
Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 3:05 pm
CORRECTION:
A woman will trust her first without explanation or concern of consequence of actions, no other partner will ever get that level of trust granted to them.
Disclaimer: This statement is not set in stone and there are always exceptions.
Web Professor
Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 6:04 pm
i grew up in a christian family and i really think that my wife would be a virgin in the future….and then when i was 18 i remember the night that my ex-gf(she’s my wife now) told that she had slept with 1 guy and i remember how devastated i am.NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I BECAME REALLY REALLY REALLY SAD,,like all the sadness came to me hard and quick…even my dad, brother and sister saw me crying really hard..i really love and fell inlove at first and really high hopes that she is diff than the other girls but she lost is..now we are married an pain NEVER went away even with 2 kids. and i am wondering if only 1 guy or more that had slept with her…sometime porn is my thing to cover my heaviness,,, still doesnt change i prayed to God that He’ll do something about this..but like Blah and others,,,if given a change i would’ve just walked away and not talk to her…and yes she took my virginity…
lonelyboy
Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 5:10 pm
My story is similar and my feeling were and are much like yours. I think women under estimate their partners and times by 3(i.e; divided by three). If she says she only did it about 6 times it was closer to 18 times and if she claims one mate it was 3. Men do just the opposite. If men claim three partners it was one.
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 1:36 am
Many women are liars, yet they pretend to be loved.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Replace her with a virgin. It is not too late.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm
and yes even when i hear his ex-bf’s name i really get upset and sad even stomachache…sometimes i just pretend that i didn’t hear it… but honestly if i see the guy i always thought of murdering him or burying him alive…idk…probably or probably not BUT I WILL DO ANYTHING JUST TO TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY….not necessarily have to kill the ex-bf but if it will take the pain forever i might…
lonelyboy
Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I’m with you lonelyboy just about had enough. Stuck offshore doing bit of work at the moment at an exotic location. Girl cam up to me in a bar, made her intentions clear, so I said what the hell lets go for it.
hmm… few beers down already tonigh, not long left in this location might take a tuk tuk to the bar just to see whats floating about.
Malcolm
Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 7:16 pm
The bar girl is treating you more honestly than your wife. Sad, but true.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Regardless, it’s too late for you…the damage is done. You should of thought about those conflicts before you slept with your first girlfriend.
You don’t deserve to deflower a virgin.
But you do deserve all that drama you have now.
You have your self-pity to thank.
I just feel sorry for the poor child involved.
Kat
Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 11:43 am
I understand. You have fantasies to end the torment or get some satisfaction but it is only fantasy. Many cannot understand the heaviness in our hearts but many do. I could love her so much more if she had no past.
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 1:40 am
She has a sexual past, therefore you cannot love her. Period.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I feel bad for you. Divorce and leave. But BULLETPROOF YOUR ASSETS before you do. Ask Malcolm for some pointers, he seems well-versed in that sort of stuff.
And for God’s sake, do not have casual sex, that will only leave you empty. Find a virgin and marry her. THEN you’ll know what true love is.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:06 pm
I hope that your pain goes away. Somehow.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Calm down buddy.
I thought you grew up in a christian family, what’s all this talk of killing ?
If you were going to do it, ( I’m not saying you should because you shouldn’t) you would be caught so fast & you premeditated it here on the internet. At some point you’ll be connected to your ip address.
Anyway, If your then gf now wife was a willing participant in the sex she had before you then you can’t blame the guy she had sex with. However, if it was a situation of force, dominance or trickery, which in most states are forms of rape, then he may deserve death but as you are a christian it won’t be by your hand. I bring this up because I see so many young girls,(12 & 13 years old) fooled by the lies of older more experienced boys, (15,16 & older). In 99% of these cases the girl was not ready for sex and/or didn’t want to have sex. These boys and sometimes men look for girls of this age bracket. These girls not having a father or male figure around is also a big plus for them, it reduces the chance of reprercussion of their actions. It’s a big problem and has been for a long time. This is why so many US states have age of consent laws where people of a certain age can be protected from such preditors.
Still Socializing
Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I hope your pain goes away. Somehow.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Maybe those who don’t care about their wife’s past do not love their wife enough. How can it not bother someone who loves their wife to picture her in a naked loving embrace or an obscene position with a former lover?
wichita
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 2:22 am
Only perverts do not mind their wives’ sexual pasts.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Guys the best advice I can give is to fuck around even if you are married. If the wife finds out hopefully then she feels the same hurt you feel about her past. If she doesn’t find out then at least you’re having fun on the side. Cheating on my wife definitely made me feel better about her past. I was not a virgin when I got married but I would have respected my wife more if she was a virgin by not cheating on her during our marriage. Women need to respect themselves first before expecting respect from their man. Respect starts with saving yourself for marriage. If your husband is not your first, try to understand his pain and don’t judge him harshly if he does eventually cheat on you.
I
Sunday, November 29, 2009 at 1:02 am
Lol Wow you men are seriously pathetic! As I have said earlier I’m a virgin girl and I know I want a virgin guy to marry too. If you really wanted a virgin woman, then maybe you should’ve saved yourself for marriage as well. That’s why you men are not happy in marriage. You’ve been with women and married a woman who’s had sex and you cannot stand it. Honestly why even marry once you’ve had sex? Sorry to break it to you but you are no better than your wife for being a non-virgin when you got married. I don’t have anything against non-virgins but you have to find what’s right for you. I know what’s right for me is virginity till marriage for both me and my partner.
Student Y
Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 5:12 pm
QUOTE
why even marry once you’ve had sex?
/QUOTE
A great question, I’m sure many will agree. Premarital sex greatly spoils the marriage experience before it even starts.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm
QUOTE
Respect starts with saving yourself for marriage. If your husband is not your first, try to understand his pain and don’t judge him harshly if he does eventually cheat on you.
/QUOTE
Well said, my friend. Although, you should NEVER cheat.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I am seriously worried for many women after reading through these comments; you justify the lack of a woman’s virginity before marriage as a reason for wanting to kill, cheat, and lack of trust after one? It sounds more like y’all are mad that you didn’t get the first hit, and regard your wives as nothing more than property; that her virginity is your property and someone stole it from you.
What a woman does with her body before a marriage is her business. And what are all these comments about guys who weren’t virgins but expecting their wives to be virgins? How unfair is that? If you weren’t a virgin before marriage, you have no rights to expect your wife to be one because in essence she’s now cheated out of being her man’s first. In the same way you claim you can’t trust her, how can she trust you to not cheat on her after marriage? Because this is what you’d say now: “I thought marrying a virgin was the thing, but she has no experience, and she just can’t satisfy me.”
And don’t argue that I must be saying this because I’ve done it; I’m a virgin who is seriously sick of men thinking that all women should be are quiet, homebound counterparts of males who hold themselves “pure” and understanding while their husbands have sex outside of marriage and justify it through inexcusable justifications, all while expecting their wives never do anything with anyone both before and after marriage.
There may be societal pressure for men to lose virginity as soon as possible, but there is pressure for women to both keep and lose virginity before marriage. There have always been double standards, and this has always been used to demonize women for nothing other than maybe a mistaken trust in a MAN. You would all be frustrated out of your mind if no woman ever wanted to do it with you because they were saving it for marriage although you’d respect it. Why don’t you start by giving out clear messages: “I will stay a virgin for my wife, and she will stay a virgin for me”
I do think some women are promiscuous to their detriment, but what you all are expecting out of your wife is that you be her first love; maybe you should have appeared in her life first and taken it, promising endless love and all that b.s. which have worked for centuries and centuries. The same crap y’all used to lose your virginity is probably the same lines that moved your wife’s heart to lose hers in the first place.
J
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 10:48 am
QUOTE
her virginity is your property and someone stole it from you.
/QUOTE
Only a virgin can even hope to become my wife. Accept that or stand aside, for I won’t compromise. I certainly don’t care about nonvirgins as they never were my target market.
QUOTE
What a woman does with her body before a marriage is her business.
/QUOTE
No, it is not. My material, emotional and spiritual health IS my business. You sound like a feminist so ugly no sane man would ever touch you, let alone “liberate” you of your goods. But do not worry… There are plenty of desperate men around. Be patient and even you will find your unwary prey you can give your burdensome virginity to so you can brag to your feminist friends about your sexual initiation ritual.
QUOTE
And what are all these comments about guys who weren’t virgins but expecting their wives to be virgins? How unfair is that?
If you weren’t a virgin before marriage, you have no rights to expect your wife to be one because in essence she’s now cheated out of being her man’s first.
/QUOTE
Anyone has the right to go after his/her own best interests, regardless of moral judgements. If women can have premarital sex, why cannot men? See, it works both ways. But feminists are one-way wonders.
QUOTE
In the same way you claim you can’t trust her, how can she trust you to not cheat on her after marriage?
Because this is what you’d say now: “I thought marrying a virgin was the thing, but she has no experience, and she just can’t satisfy me.”
/QUOTE
I’d never think, let alone say, anything like that.
QUOTE
And don’t argue that I must be saying this because I’ve done it; I’m a virgin
/QUOTE
You’re not the only virgin on this blog, you know.
QUOTE
seriously sick of men thinking that all women should be are quiet, homebound counterparts of males who hold themselves “pure” and understanding while their husbands have sex outside of marriage and justify it through inexcusable justifications, all while expecting their wives never do anything with anyone both before and after marriage.
/QUOTE
I’m against double standards. But yeah, real women neither have premarital sex nor cheat. Ever. Can’t handle that? Step aside and quietly exit stage left.
QUOTE
There may be societal pressure for men to lose virginity as soon as possible, but there is pressure for women to both keep and lose virginity before marriage.
/QUOTE
Losers lose it to societal pressure.
QUOTE
There have always been double standards, and this has always been used to demonize women for nothing other than maybe a mistaken trust in a MAN.
/QUOTE
Just wait until marriage. Too hard? Too bad.
QUOTE
You would all be frustrated out of your mind if no woman ever wanted to do it with you because they were saving it for marriage although you’d respect it.
/QUOTE
It would be Heaven, not Hell.
QUOTE
Why don’t you start by giving out clear messages: “I will stay a virgin for my wife, and she will stay a virgin for me”
/QUOTE
I know that message well.
QUOTE
I do think some women are promiscuous to their detriment, but what you all are expecting out of your wife is that you be her first love; maybe you should have appeared in her life first and taken it, promising endless love and all that b.s. which have worked for centuries and centuries. The same crap y’all used to lose your virginity is probably the same lines that moved your wife’s heart to lose hers in the first place.
/QUOTE
Many women are ingenuous, I’m afraid. I’ll go for the smart ones, thank you.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 2:03 pm
J completely misses the point. We’re not mad about not getting the first hit. The point being made is that it sad that women place so little value on virginity. I’ve never had sex with a virgin and I’ve slept with many, many women. Given my vast experience in the sack I can honestly say that there is nothing special about the sexual relationship with my wife. One thing for certain though I would have respected her more if she was a virgin. I’ve met many virgin girls who I respected and even refused to sleep with so that they could keep their virginity for marriage. Based on my experience it is unfair to blame guys for double standards as ultimately the choice to remain a virgin or not still rests with the female. The real double standard is WOMEN expecting respect when they chose to fuck someone else before marriage. Men do not need virgins to have sex with as there are plenty of non virgins to satisfy ourselves with. Men genuinely do award more points to virgins and prefer virgin wives. Marriages where the wife was a virgin are happier. PS With the benefit of hindsight I too would have remained a virgin but chose not too as I was saddened that so many girls were doing it. It was pointless remaining one when I knew that my wife one day would not be a virgin. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Sounds fair to me
I
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Sorry, I, but I don’t agree with your point:
“Marriages where the wife was a virgin are happier.”
My mother was a virgin when she married my father (who was not a virgin) and 34 years later and numerous affairs (on his part) they are still together… are they happy? no… together? yes, and only because my mother is the religiously staunch Catholic who does not believe in divorce.
I have older siblings whose response to our parents’ loveless marriage have retaliated by being very open-minded to having sex with multiple partners. But for my part, I am the 29 year old virgin who is peeved about the whole concept of marriage and not rushing into anything as sacred. I have high morals for myself, and I love both parents dearly, but unfaithfulness before and after marriage (on my father’s part) has truly traumatized my outlook and my openness regarding relationships.
I think men who are not even virgins and who lack moral values, yet prey on virgins.. these men are the lowest class of people. Being a virgin doesn’t define a person. It merely sets a standard by which that person has set for himself/herself. I value anyone who loves themself, has a strong moral character, and respects his family, his friends, and person. It just depends on the person and what he/she finds important.
Jellybean
Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm
QUOTE
are they happy? no…
/QUOTE
He said HAPPIER, not HAPPY. Were your mother not a virgin, things may have been even worse. She merely chose the wrong spouse to give her virginity to. Case closed. And regarding your siblings: it is not your mother’s fault at all.
QUOTE
I think men who are not even virgins and who lack moral values, yet prey on virgins.. these men are the lowest class of people.
/QUOTE
Agreed.
QUOTE
Being a virgin doesn’t define a person. It merely sets a standard by which that person has set for himself/herself. I value anyone who loves themself, has a strong moral character, and respects his family, his friends, and person. It just depends on the person and what he/she finds important.
/QUOTE
I value many people but don’t marry just anyone.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:05 pm
I think a lot of the men think, “if I married a virgin woman, I would have been happier.” They also seem to say, “if I married a virgin woman, I would have less probability of cheating on her.” It all looks to me like “grass is greener on the other side,” and the possible, “reasons why I would/did cheat on my wife.”
What you’re just sounds like an excuse; I have guy friends who choose to stay virgins, believe it or not, and I respect that. Your explanation sounds like an excuse to have sex before marriage and justifying it by blaming on the other gender. That’s irresponsible. It’s your choice to have sex whenever, but you also have to take responsibility for your actions.
By your logic, men should also not ever expect respect for being non-virgins before marriage if there was no double standard to begin with. Men also have the choice of staying virgins, and they also do not deserve any respect nor should they expect any respect for not being virgins. How about that? Shouldn’t that be the true “standard”? But it’s not like that, now is it? That’s why there is a double standard.
Are you sure it’s the fact that you have vast experience that there is nothing special with your wife, and not something else? Maybe she feels nothing special either, since you were also not a virgin at the time of the marriage. Does she care about you not being a virgin? Does she still love you although there is nothing special in the sex? It’s highly possible that if one partner is not feeling “special”, the other also does not feel “special.”
koreangurl86
Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Apart from rape victims, everyone else has the power of choice.
Alas, it is too bad that many people exert such power of choice unwisely, choosing the temporary over the lasting.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:09 pm
QUOTE
there is nothing special about the sexual relationship with my wife.
/QUOTE
Such is the outcome of premarital sex. For both the male spouse AND the female spouse.
QUOTE
One thing for certain though I would have respected her more if she was a virgin.
/QUOTE
Alas, what’s done is done. Better luck next time!
QUOTE
I’ve met many virgin girls who I respected and even refused to sleep with so that they could keep their virginity for marriage.
/QUOTE
That is very nice. It really is.
QUOTE
The real double standard is WOMEN expecting respect when they chose to fuck someone else before marriage. Men do not need virgins to have sex with as there are plenty of non virgins to satisfy ourselves with. Men genuinely do award more points to virgins and prefer virgin wives.
/QUOTE
I couldn’t agree more.
QUOTE
Marriages where the wife was a virgin are happier. PS With the benefit of hindsight I too would have remained a virgin but chose not too as I was saddened that so many girls were doing it. It was pointless remaining one when I knew that my wife one day would not be a virgin. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Sounds fair to me
/QUOTE
A hasty bad choice made out of desperation, sorry to say. Sadly, it’s not an uncommon one.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 9:55 pm
I is still not getting the point; there is a societal pressure for women to value virginity (and both to go against it and be free of it), while it is generally acceptable that men should not be a virgin and promote promiscuity. That’s a double standard, and a confusing one at that. Men shouldn’t expect any respect for losing virginity either, but when they do lose virginity (usually before a marriage), society celebrates with him, while deeming the woman a “whore, slut, etc.” and other negative inferences to either frighten women from having sex or to justify their choice to have sex as being a horrible choice.
There is an obvious assumption that a woman’s self respect somehow is related to whether she keeps her virginity or not. Why? Isn’t that an obvious bias to keep women sexually tied to what men think are deserving of respect? Why should women’s virginity be the mark that is used to determine whether someone deserves to have self-respect? There are women who enjoy sex just as a releasing device like some men, and don’t require it as some sort of compensation for respect. Men are often proud of having slept with XX number of women and glorified by their peers; why should women only be proud when she has slept with 1 man after a legally binding marriage?
“Men do not need virgins to have sex with as there are plenty of non virgins to satisfy ourselves with.”
If you don’t need virgins, there is no need for this discrimination. This also further affirms my argument that virginity is nothing but a title. There is no guarantee that a virgin wife equates to men not cheating on their wife after marriage.
P.S. – think of the fact that for me, as a virgin at my age, finding a virgin man is like finding a nail in a haystack, and further alienates women like me (who supposedly deserve this respect), in a society that prefers conformity at all cost. Since I will never find a virgin man whom I can marry, it would also be natural for me to go ahead and lose it so I can join the “rest” of the population if I want to ever get married (assuming I prefer someone who has the same “sexual status” as I am). That’s what your argument is essentially saying.
J
Thursday, December 24, 2009 at 5:17 am
QUOTE
there is a societal pressure for women to value virginity (and both to go against it and be free of it), while it is generally acceptable that men should not be a virgin and promote promiscuity.
/QUOTE
Again this societal pressure crap. Don’t you have a will of your own? Do “the voices” make you do it? If so, seek professional help.
And men should stay virgins until marriage, too.
QUOTE
virginity is nothing but a title
/QUOTE
Premarital sex destroys marriages before they even start. Get the facts. Research the topic.
QUOTE
for me, as a virgin at my age, finding a virgin man is like finding a nail in a haystack, and further alienates women like me (who supposedly deserve this respect), in a society that prefers conformity at all cost.
/QUOTE
I can tell you, there ARE virgin men even in this day and age. Even on this blog. But you are scaring them off, and most of all alienating them to no end. I, for one, would never marry a female who behaves like a man and is a man in all, but name. See how feminist “liberation” crap backfires on you? Show us your feminine side rather than bitching about double standards and how, oh, life has been unfair to you!
You are virgin only for lack of opportunity. You already lost your virginity in your thoughts, so what really would be the purpose of marrying you?
Get impaled on the first jerk you find and QUIT WHINING. Let me tell you, “virgin”, we don’t need you. I’d rather marry a rape victim.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm
J, you are missing the point.
1) Men, in a GOD intended sexual relationship are NOT penatrated, hence the “double standard”. How nasty is it for a woman to allow several men inside her in the first place. How many women would let man after man put their finger in her mouth or nose, even if he had a glove on ? Nasty right ???
2) I thought marrying a virgin was the thing, but she has no experience, and she just can’t satisfy me.”..
This statement was most likely made by someone that does not hold the intended husband/wife sexual relationship in high regrading in the first place. The more previous sexual experience a person has the last meaning the experience has to them, married or not.
3) Statistically, the more sexual partners a woman has the less likely she is to get married. There’s a reason for that.
I will agree with you and a few others on the point of if you are not or were not a virgin you can’t possibly expect your partner to be a virgin or be upset that they are not a virgin.
4Real
Saturday, December 26, 2009 at 11:03 pm
first of all… I am rather disturbed by the analogy that you used, but let’s turn that around; what about the man whose fingers have entered numerous number of noses? Is that clean after he washes his finger? It should be considered that both the finger and the nose is “unclean”, but it’s not. Who set the standards for what is clean and unclean at least for most of history? Men. I’m okay with treating virginity heavily if it’s applied to both sexes, but it’s not. The reason your analogy is biased is that you base the entire analogy on the thought that the one being penetrated necessarily “dirties” herself while the one penetrating does not. Both parties are at fault, you know… if a woman or man just does it by themselves, it’s not sex.
second, I do agree that such thought comes from someone who may be a bit lacking on the moral department, but those people also marry, and they have used it as a viable excuse for their adultery. I’ve seen many women (who were virgins before marriage) suffer for that (both Christian and non-Christian). Being a virgin at the time of marriage (if you can even get there with all the pressure for sex before marriage amounting on females these days) has never promised anything to the woman, but only to the man, that indeed the offspring resulting from their sexual relationship would be of his.
In a perfect world, both men and women would be virgins until marriage, and they would stay faithful and truthful to each other, which would eliminate the need for prostitutes, pimps, porno, and adultery altogether. Too bad such things don’t exist.
J
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 1:36 am
I am glad you are disturbed by my analogy. It was meant to disturb and provoke.
In literal cleanness, a finger and a penis can both be washed clean a vigina cannot. In fact, do you know how long it takes for the remenant of the males fluids to be completely cleansed from vigina ?
The analogy does NOT base itself on the fact that one is clean and one is not, you just read it that way. They both become unclean, in every way. The point of the analogy is however based on one entering another.
Anything that enters the body effects the whole body. Unlike something that is put ON the body. Woman are more than 4 times more likely to contract disease from sex than men. This is because the vigina is one of the few entrances to the inner body. Regardless what society tells you today, men and women are *NOT equal. If they were then why would one need the other…
One of GODs gifts to a woman is the gift to bear life from her womb. Yet you debate that if a man can have multiple partners then so should women be able to and why are woman looked upon differently. A mans initial contribution to the conception of a child is his sperm and the DNA witin. A woman shares her body and all within with that child for almost 10 months, (yes 10 not 9, look it up).
For someone who claims to be a virgin I find it very difficult to understand why you don’t understand the stigma that’s placed on a woman for her sexual encounters outside of marriage.
GOD set the standard not men. Considering that the only reason GOD allows a man to divorce his wife is fornication, (whatever defination of the word you choose).
*They are equals but not equal. Together they bring 50% to the union at which time they make a whole(100%).
4Real
Sunday, January 10, 2010 at 8:04 pm
There is an inherent bias that “hey, because the insides of a nose cannot be washed, it remains dirty while you can wash the finger, so although it’s dirty, it’s not the same.” It’s only disturbing because it still regards the women as being much lower than men just because they choose to have sex before marriage on the basis that the one entering is less likely to be affected than the one being entered.
I am not convinced that the difference in sexual organs is the reason for why a woman and a man should not be treated as equals. While it may have been necessary back when humans were few in numbers to value sexual organs as being important, but in times where humans have overpopulated the planet, that standard needs to change. Take out the sexual organ from the equation, and there is no longer a need to discriminate.
For your religious argument, I cannot say much, because I do not believe the same thing as you do. I’ve yet to meet one woman who enjoyed their monthly cycle because it was a gift from God. For example, a menstruating woman was considered dirty in the bible. Menstruation is a necessary process that every woman within the age of reproduction must go through. Giving birth is a gift, but the process which enables pregnancy is not? That itself is contradictory.
The reason I am a virgin is because I have yet to meet a male whose genes I’ve decided I wanted to carry. Simple as that. No attachment to soul, no attachment to some sort of trust, nothing. Sex is nothing but a tool for reproduction, some are prone to use it more and some aren’t, but that’s their choice. It doesn’t make anyone less dirty or more dirty.
Besides, because woman is the being that carries and risks having the baby for so long, it should always be her choice whether she decides she wants to carry the genes of one man as opposed to another.
I am also of the opinion that Religion and State have for most of its history, been the method of control over the common population. There is almost no religion that glorifies woman and childbirth that survives to this day. Most religions glorify birth, but they have never glorified the entire female sexual organ as being a gift, only the childbearing part. That itself shows a very male tint on religion.
Even if you argue that religion was not a man-made product, the fact that men have used it for most of history to control both power and women show the standards it sets does not consider woman’s viewpoint or position at all.
J
Sunday, January 17, 2010 at 2:18 am
Only weird people stick fingers into other people’s noses. And I certainly won’t shake hands with them; they may say they washed their hands but I don’t believe them at all.
QUOTE
Too bad such things don’t exist.
/QUOTE
That is merely your uneducated opinion.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:48 pm
QUOTE
The more previous sexual experience a person has the last meaning the experience has to them, married or not.
/QUOTE
Bingo.
QUOTE
Statistically, the more sexual partners a woman has the less likely she is to get married. There’s a reason for that.
/QUOTE
Powerball.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm
I am a 22 yr old virgin man……
MY ORIGINAL TYPE -> i am a born good boy, i am very kind, i always was of the mindset of 1 true love…and wont even dream of looking at any other girl. there wud be heavenly love between us….and i wud be all her’s..!!!
MY PRESENT TYPE -> lacking full focus on studies, frustrated to sum extent, daydreaming often, developed a bit of hatred for girls, fear that may be i will also be cheated, made fun of, fear that i am destined to get a non-virgin.
MY PRESENT MINDSET -> there’s nothing for the good….all is for the bad. the bad gets away with it….we suck our fingers. goodness is looked upon as weakness and incapable, whereas a bad guy is sexy, hot, daring etc etc. everywhere all are losing there virginity…what will i get by staying pure….except being taunted and made fun of!!
I AM NOT REPELLED JUST BY THE FACT THAT MY PARTNER MAY NOT HAVE A HYMEN OR HOW LOOSE OR TIGHT SHE IS.
POINTS WHICH APPEAL TO ME THE MOST AND WORRY ME IS :
A-> a girl gives the highest amount of trust to her first love-maker.
not necessarily her fault, even if she wants she cant giv that place to others.
B-> there shud atleast be some thing that only a husband gets and not a boy-frnd.
she loved her boy-frnds and had sex…..she will love her husband and hav sex as well…then what is it that the BF dint get but the hubby will get, only the responsibility of being with her for ever, loyal and caring, and supporting her?
C-> if she had slept with others before…a certain amount of comparison is bound to come. in her deepest thoughts she may think…”oh my 3rd BF performed a certain move so well…oh my hubby just cant pull it off”..
D-> if she just keeps a friendly contact with one of her ex-s. and suppose i meet the guy in a party, even a friendly smile from him to me wud feel like a smile designed to taunt the life out of me….a smile which says…”hey man..u r spending ur whole life with the one that i used and rejected as well”
E-> even if by nature she is a good woman and is loyal……still consider the following case. suppose i as her hubby is the 2nd man in her life. and may be she loved her first guy very much…and may be she never broke up with that guy on a bitter note, may be their relation was long distance and eventually she had to choose me as hubby….so she’s got no such negetive memories of him.
now what if sum day she meets him again and he asks her out for a evening coffee to chat a bit and go through memory lane…(u cant object to these….its not a offending demand…its courtsey to comply).
now specially women being emotional creatures, may be she will feel a long lost bond with him even if just for that evening….and god knows may be in a certain
lonely, emotionally high, weak and provocative moment she may not be able to say “no” to a sexual advance that he might make……game over !!!!!
**honesttly speaking**….the first thought that flashes in my mind when i think of a non-virgin marrying me is —>> “SO NICE OF U…..U HAD UR SHARE OF ENJOYMENT, ENJOYED TO THE FULLEST, IT WAS AWESOME ISN’T IT……ALL THIS WHEN I WAS BUSY STRUGGLING TO BUILD A CAREER, GET A GOOD JOB, HAVE A GOOD AND STABLE INCOME, PLANNING TO BYE A CAR ETC ETC.
AND NOW THAT I AM ESTABLISHED….U WILL NOT MISS A CHANCE TO CHOOSE ME AS UR HUBBY FOR A STABLE LIFE, SECURE LIFE WITH NO RISKS, AND OFFCOURSE ME AS UR HUBBY TO SUPPORT U, TAKE CARE OF U, BE LOYAL TO U, BE THERE 4 U IN BETTER OR FOR WORSE AND NOT TO MENTION HAV SEX WITH U(basic need after all)…..
nemesis
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 1:00 am
Standard English grammar would make your post a lot easier to read, and doesn’t make it sound like some sort of emo rant.
For all of your reasons, reverse also applies. The man compares too; she was good, she was bad, etc. If a man has ever loved someone, he will also hold a special feeling for her even after a relationship, and the same thing you’re implying women will do will occur. None of these things are specific to one sex. The best is for both sides to stay a virgin, and it is not only the job of the parents, but also the society’s to make that message clear instead of flooding popular culture with mixed signals.
But if you’re that pissed about it, just go out and get laid and lose your virginity. It doesn’t sound like you value it that much (at least from the mood of your post) anyways, and you expect that you’ll be marrying a non-virgin woman in the future, so might as well “have your fun” too, then.
Maybe there are women who are also busy with seeking that life and don’t need a man to support them in that manner; have you thought about that? For example, with my current career track, I don’t ever have to depend on a male counterpart to pay the bills or provide me a secure life. Then technically, I don’t really need a man for any other purpose than for reproduction now, do I? I also don’t need to stay a virgin for any man since I’m the wage earner. Not all women are in a situation to get married just for a stable life, so your logic doesn’t apply universally.
Your reference of virginity as a point exactly proves my earlier comment that virginity is nothing but a title for a man to be proud about. To be a woman’s “first man.” At the core of this argument is that.
J
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 1:55 am
QUOTE
The best is for both sides to stay a virgin, and it is not only the job of the parents, but also the society’s to make that message clear instead of flooding popular culture with mixed signals.
/QUOTE
Finally, a somewhat reasonable statement.
QUOTE
But if you’re that pissed about it, just go out and get laid and lose your virginity. It doesn’t sound like you value it that much (at least from the mood of your post) anyways, and you expect that you’ll be marrying a non-virgin woman in the future, so might as well “have your fun” too, then.
/QUOTE
Funny how this also applies to yourself. If you can’t find a virgin man, change your behavior or go get laid. But for God’s sake, stop your man-hateful whining. You disgust us to no end.
QUOTE
Maybe there are women who are also busy with seeking that life and don’t need a man to support them in that manner; have you thought about that? For example, with my current career track, I don’t ever have to depend on a male counterpart to pay the bills or provide me a secure life. Then technically, I don’t really need a man for any other purpose than for reproduction now, do I? I also don’t need to stay a virgin for any man since I’m the wage earner. Not all women are in a situation to get married just for a stable life, so your logic doesn’t apply universally.
/QUOTE
They are not women. They are men in all, but name. And I’ll never marry a man.
What hateful feminist indoctrinators who sneaked into your brain by means of liberal media won’t tell you is that your babies will need a father too. You just revealed to us another dark side of your character that should scare men into NOT marrying you. You deserve only to be used for casual, meaningless sex. But, ironically enough, that will make you even more hateful of men!
YOU, then, are the source of your accursed, vicious loopback cycle: you hate men, they hate you in return so you hate them even more, they hate you even more in return etc. You either change your twisted behavior or find other ways to end your pain. I know a few exist.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:12 pm
QUOTE
reference of virginity as a point exactly proves my earlier comment that virginity is nothing but a title for a man to be proud about. To be a woman’s “first man.” At the core of this argument is that.
/QUOTE
Circular reasonings never proved anything, except the failed logician’s proficiency at constructing a cogent argument.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:14 pm
A fine collection of good points, that J can attack only on the irrelevant grammar side, because that’s all she’ll ever see.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 10:56 pm
SO MY SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM CAME FROM A COMMENT MY COUSIN BROTHER ONCE MADE TO ME CASUALLY…….
he is a business minded, practical and smart guy…
HE SAID….”look if u start fucking early on…and manage to be some girl’s first BF chances are u may get atleast one young virgin girl(least case scenario)…suppose you
get 1 point for this…..now on top of that if in future ur wife is also a virgin then u get another point for that…total 2 points….if u r very lucky u can hav even 3, 4 or more points, but u will most probably hav atleast 1 point in ur life…….
…….but if u think u r a fucking saint and stay pure then firstly u r getting no sex at all, forget about virgins…so u get 0 point…..now on top of that if ur wife is a non-virgin, u get another 0 point….so a big zero in ur whole life.
so its common sense…what should we go for….the former or the latter ????
nemesis
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 1:41 am
Just stay a virgin until marriage and stop worrying about merry-go happy bunnies. They are beneath you.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:16 pm
SO WHAT I DID ???????????
i decided to start making GFs and wont hesitate if sex comes in my way…
but the problem was it was not so easy for me….firstly i am a man, i hav far less choices than a woman. a woman almost can pick-up any man she loves, but we men dont always really get that easy options. if we get what we want we r considered lucky. a girl can get a man just by spreading her lags thats it !!!!
so next started a big journey that i went through for the next one year….
besides studying….i read loads and loads of books on female psychology…..
books on NLP(neurolinguistic programming), social dinamics, reproductive biology, evolutionary psychology, human behaviour and many more….
slowly i cud feel that i was gaining a ground shaking knowledge about the most wonderful creature on earth…HUMANS !! (specially women)
i cud feel my self-confidence increasing slowly……
so much so that i decided that after my engineering degree, i wud do a higher degree in the HR(human resource) field !!! i just was loving it !!!!
fast forward 1 year and now here i am writing this for u guys…
but my journey has just ended….
hopefully i wud very very soon start to live exactly the life i dreamt of..
though already i had 2 GFs in the past few months…and am currently having one.
and a fourth one who loves me a lot but i cant make time for her…!!!
and mind u i am a guy from the country INDIA….quite a conservative country
and i am from the state of WEST BENGAL….a more conservative state.
so 2 GFs in last few months is not quite bad..
nowadays frnds come to my place to take suggestions about relationships, dating and stuff…etc etc. i’ve become kind of a love-guru.
now i feel as if i have a goal in life, sumthing to live for !!
am more or less happy….!!
i will keep u guys posted as my life goes on…..god bless u all !!!!!!!!!!!
nemesis
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 2:20 am
Good for you.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm
one thing i wud like to say to J
is that may be women r working now….gr8
but looking towards a man for support and stability
is a strong evolutionary call from inside
so in surveys its found that even if a woman is working fine….still one of the traits she wud look for in a man is stability, security,etc
nemesis
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 2:31 am
Perhaps, but I don’t know where that survey was taken, the population of women who had a career that answered it, and I won’t take your answer just because it was in a “survey.”
Besides, surveys and statistics are very easy to use to alter results to favor the producer’s opinions, thus never to be trusted 100%.
Of course most woman would not be happy if her husband was at home sleeping all day doing no work if she was out working; he should also work. But there is absolutely no basis as to why a woman’s virginity should be traded (as some sort of property) for a man’s economic ability, especially today, where woman can earn as much as a man can in some instances (as well as the fact that she’d be carrying the man’s 50% genetic material in a form of a baby for 9 months then give birth, then rear that baby;). Man’s economic ability is a trade for continuation of his genes, not for a woman’s virginity.
What should the woman get for not having to rely on a man financially then? Man’s virginity, perhaps? Do they even have them? Most of the time, no.
I understand that you are from conservative part of India, and I am not, but by your story, it’s clear that virgin women are nothing but numbers to many men. It’s just a title that boosts your status within your society as the man who is “favored by women.” But if a woman sleeps with men, it’s not popularity but that she’s a whore. Why? Because it helps justify the man’s sexual promiscuity; “It’s not my fault that I had sex with her; it’s because she opens her legs for anyone.” It’s nothing but to raise the status of men while lowering the status of women over sexuality, a biological need for both sexes.
No matter what anyone says, unless it was of rape or any nonconsensual nature, sex occurs when both parties agree to it; not just the woman. The man who sleeps with 10 women is also guilty of being a whore as the woman who sleeps with 10 men. But society doesn’t say that, now does it? So why blame the women for not staying a virgin? Isn’t it the men who make virgin women not virgins? Isn’t the fact that some women are not virgins due to the fact that they slept with men? Essentially, men are angry at the fact that women are not virgins because they themselves weren’t the ones to do it.
Sure you justify it by saying “she didn’t wait for me, and it devastated me, etc.” but what it’s really saying is, “I wasn’t her first man.” If you were a virgin man at the time of the marriage, then I could understand that feeling of loss and betrayal, but if you weren’t, then you have absolutely no right to feel any anger for your wife not being a virgin.
I was offended when you said that women could get men easily; if she didn’t care about the quality of the man, then yeah she could just pick anyone, but there are women who are very considerate when it comes to choosing who she wants to reproduce with. Most women don’t open their legs for every man and shouldn’t be lowered to such level just for the men to justify their promiscuity.
J
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 2:54 am
Repeating the same points over and over won’t make them true.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:36 pm
QUOTE
may be women r working now….gr8
/QUOTE
Yeah, great. Now I can outsource slave labor to all-too-willing, muscly women. Now that is liberation! Too bad that I don’t find them sexually attractive in the least. I wonder why?
Oh well, I’ll slack in front of my TV set and keep developing my beer belly. (Just kidding… I am a body builder, and I do it for myself and not for any woman).
QUOTE
but looking towards a man for support and stability
is a strong evolutionary call from inside
so in surveys its found that even if a woman is working fine….still one of the traits she wud look for in a man is stability, security,etc
/QUOTE
These universal truth will J deny, being the situation’s feminist. She’ll say she ignores the source of statistics, she’ll say that statistics are unreliable, but Heaven forbid that she accept these truths, anything but that! They would shake the foundations of her world! Oh my God, how they would! She shivers at the thought.
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:32 pm
J there are many points you make in your posts which, in my mind, shows you clearly do not understand men. Firstly the balance of power is shifted in favour of women when it comes to sex. The reason for this is simple: it is a woman and only a woman who decides when sex takes place. A man cannot decide when sex takes place. The last time I checked men who decide when sex takes place are called rapists and punished to the full extent of the law for any transgressions in this regard.
Clearly then there cannot be any societal pressure on women to remain a virgin and to lose their virginity too. The “double standard” that J speaks about is a fallacy. Societal pressure for women to remain virgins is there simply because society recognises that the power in a sexual relationship rests with women and therefore society expects women to exercise restraint and responsibility with respect to this power. This, in my view, is the main reason why there be a feeling that society favours men over women with respect to virginity.
Secondly, when the poster above said that “a woman can get a man by simply spreading her legs” in no way did the poster imply that women are not discerning who they spread for. I understood this to be an expression which states (albeit crudely) that women in fact hold the power in a relationship as men are weak and are easily seduced by the charms of women. Power and responsibility go in hand in hand. To quote Rudyard Kipling “Power without responsibility – the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages”.
As mentioned above the real double standard is women expecting respect after losing their virginity before marriage. The strength of a woman’s character is indeed determined by her ability to exercise power with responsibility. It should come as no surprise then that men award more points to virgins especially if that virgin happens to become your wife. A woman who gives it up too easily is seen as weak and not regarded as “marriage material”. Unfortunately, all too often men end up with weak women as wives.
I
Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Until very recently, women were also considered as being guilty of “luring a man” during a rape trial. In parts of the world, it is the woman who is punished for being raped rather than the man, because it is considered that she “seduced” him somehow. If they think there was any “seduction,” the man goes free, even if she didn’t want to have sex with him. There is also a reason why so many of rapes often go UNPUNISHED, even in a developed country like the U.S. There is a social stigma against reporting rape. This what society says, “if she was raped, she probably sent him the wrong message.” Maybe it’s he who thought she sent him a message when she didn’t. Maybe it’s his fault for thinking her “no” was a “yes.” But that’s not how it is in most parts of the world.
FOR MOST OF HISTORY, MEN CONTROLLED WHEN AND WHERE SEX TOOK PLACE. If your situation was true and women really did have power over sex, then women would not have been considered as property for so long. Religion and society gives women responsibility over a power they didn’t have and criminalized them for it. In a developed country called the U.S.A. where 80% of rape cases on college campuses go unreported, I am not convinced.
The only reason rape is even a punishable crime in certain countries (not all, by the way), is due to women’s movements to make it so. The reality is that society tells women to stay a virgin until marriage, while pressuring them to give virginity up for the one they love. Parents and church says, “you must stay a virgin for your husband.’ TV says, “it’s okay to have sex with someone you love. If you’re a virgin at that age, you must be ugly,” or “No wonder you’re a virgin.” The voice is mostly equal on both parts for women, but for men, it’s “Sara told Abraham to sleep with her maid because she couldn’t give him a son,” “Allah promises (too many) virgin wives for those who sacrifice his life for him.” “You slept with how many chicks? You are a stud!” It’s not a logical fallacy; it’s reality.
You seem to think that men end up with weak women; what about the vast majority of men who are not virgins at the time of the marriage? Weak people end up with weak people. You’re just as weak for not keeping your virginity as your wife, who didn’t keep her virginity. The fact that you think it’s okay for you to be a non-virgin but a horror for your wife to be a non-virgin proves my point about the inherent double standard and men’s skewed viewpoint toward defending their dominance over women’s sexuality. Do you admit that you’re a weak human being? Why can’t your wife also be admitted as a weak human being, who can be seduced by a good looking man, or a man she loves?
A man can fall in love and have sex with her, or even sleep with a prostitute just for sexual relase, but a woman should never fall in love enough to sleep with a man or have sex except with her husband, and keep herself pent up no matter what, or never expect respect?
Give me a break.
J
Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 3:37 pm
QUOTE
Until very recently, women were also considered as being guilty of “luring a man” during a rape trial. In parts of the world, it is the woman who is punished for being raped rather than the man, because it is considered that she “seduced” him somehow.
/QUOTE
So what? Some women stalk and sexually molest men. But you’ll never admit that as this would not support your feminist one-sided argument that men are monsters and women are holy.
And yes, some women DO provoke men by dressing without any semblance of modesty. Who would deny that (apart from feminists)? Then they act surprised and play victim if by chance they find an imbalanced person who rapes them. Go figure!
QUOTE
FOR MOST OF HISTORY, MEN CONTROLLED WHEN AND WHERE SEX TOOK PLACE.
/QUOTE
How does this feminist slogan justify sexual promiscuity and premarital sex, exactly?
QUOTE
women’s movements
/QUOTE
Aha! You are fully unmasked now, feminist.
QUOTE
Parents and church says, “you must stay a virgin for your husband.’ TV says, “it’s okay to have sex with someone you love. If you’re a virgin at that age, you must be ugly,” or “No wonder you’re a virgin.”
/QUOTE
Turn off the TV and start thinking with your head? I am a handsome virgin man, and I am ready to bet that I am older than you, too.
QUOTE
It’s not a logical fallacy; it’s reality.
/QUOTE
Throwing a few unrelevant truths here and there won’t make the case for sexual promiscuity as a whole any more right. Sexual promiscuity and premarital sex have real, lasting consequences; get over it. The sooner, the better.
QUOTE
You seem to think that men end up with weak women; what about the vast majority of men who are not virgins at the time of the marriage?
/QUOTE
Pointing out an adversary’s wrongdoing does not in any way justify one’s own wrongdoing.
“Hey, I stole X, but… But.. BUT YOU STOLE X TOO!!!”
To sum it up: no one condones double standards or wrongdoing. Virginity until marriage seems the best for me and this is what I ask AND offer. What others do is irrelevant to me.
Reality Bites
Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 12:05 am
QUOTE (J)
you like conspiracy too much …
FOR MOST OF HISTORY, MEN CONTROLLED WHEN AND WHERE SEX TOOK PLACE.
/QUOTE
Two irreconcileable statements from J? You decide.
She sometimes seems funny, in a weird sort of way. Just do not get sentimentally involved with her: your life would quickly become a total mess.
reality bites
Saturday, September 18, 2010 at 6:07 am
It’s easy to be a slut and difficult to be player. This is the reason why men who sleep around are respected but women aren’t. Different standards for sure but definitely not a double standard. Very simply, to women (and men) who still don’t get it, it is women and women only who decide when sex will take place. All society asks is that women should decide wisely.
I
Tuesday, May 28, 2013 at 6:33 am
QUOTE
A woman who gives it up too easily is seen as weak and not regarded as “marriage material”. Unfortunately, all too often men end up with weak women as wives.
/QUOTE
Standing ovation!
Reality Bites
Tuesday, September 7, 2010 at 11:39 pm
And this opinion justifies your compulive cheating and insecure need to CONTROL a woman, body and mind ….riiiiiiight. At least your wife maybe got to enjoy SOME good sex before she married a loser like you, I hope.
Kat
Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 12:00 pm
J – THIS REPLY IS FOR YOUR SUNDAY JANUARY 17, 2010 REPLY TO ME:
J, The fact that the “finger” can be more easily washed over the “nose”
actually puts a greater importance on taking greater precautions as to what goes in the “nose”.
Remember, the inner “nose” leads to the inner body while the finger does not.
What goes in the body is harder to cleanse than what goes on the body.
This follows the old principal, you are what you eat.
physically & spiritually.
It’s true, Men regard women as less when they are considered by men to be loose.
Alot of men may not admit this but actions speak louder than words.
I mean, men don’t go to the club to “holla” at the virgins, men want the easy ones….. but best believe they want to marry a
virgin. I’m a man and you better believe I know that.
Biblically, virgins are held in high esteem and very much sought after and this is scripturally supported.
GOD himself choose a virgin to bring forth his only son…..
On so many levels the one entering is less likey to be affected than the one being entered. although they are both greatly affected by the experience.
Don’t let society tell you otherwise. I’ll have to write a whole other page just to touch on the subject.
Even if you don’t believe the biblical implications on woman who have sex before marrige just look at the societal implications.
You yourself are currently reading a thread about mens lack of desire to be with a woman who has had sex before him/marriage.
With that being said, you could argue til your’re blue in the face and it will not change the facts.
The men that have posted on this thread represent a small portion of men that share the exact same sentiment.
Man and woman should be treated as equals, I didn’t say that they shouldn’t but then that is my point.
They are not equal but equals and should be treated as such.
Man needs woman and woman needs man. There is never the need for discrimination, with or without the organs.
The one thing that people seem to not understand is that woman have a greater responsibility than man in humanity, especially in this regard.
Hence the “bias”.
Off subject…………
Beleive it or not the world is NOT over populated. The worlds population is roughly 6.8 trillion
with 300+ million living in the US. Those living in the US mostly live in the costal states leaving
the middle states underpopulated. Basically, if you took every individual,(man, woman and child)
in the world and placed each individual in their own home in the US, each home would sit on .3 acres
leaving the rest of the earth completely unoocupied.
Back on subject…………..
Just because some or all women don’t enjoy their monthly cycle doesn’t mean it’s not a gift.
Ask a woman who wants to have a child but can’t because her menstration or ovulation is unavailble
for whatever reason. Its a gift !
A menstrationing woman in the bible is NOT considered dirty. The menstration itself is considered dirty. It is clearly explained as such as well as explaining that menstration is the time in which a womans repro organs purges itself clean.
This is one of many common misunderstandings in scripture. People tend to listen to what a pastor, preacher or reverand have to say opposed to listening to what GOD has to say by reading for themselves.
The process that enables conception of a child, (sex)is also a gift, meant to be shared between husband and wife and no other.
Unless you are an animal less than human that miraculously knows how to read and type :-), sex is more than just a “tool” for reproduction.
I find it disturbing that a young woman like yourself would see it that way but at the same time I understand. I do hope that you sve yourself for your husband and I applaud your efforts this far.
The subject of religion and state needs to be another thread…. 🙂
But i’ll tell you this, Christianity, TRUE Christianity has nothing to do with religion or state for that matter. Christianity never crosses over into the issues of religion or state and men who manipulate GODs word for their own gain or amusement will pay….
Please, do not base your beliefs of Christianity on the actions of men claiming to be Christians or what you see/hear on tv. If you have to base it on anything, base it on truth. Let no one tell you what it says read and study for yourself.
4Real
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 1:45 am
I understand what you’re saying but it just sounds like rationalization for treating men differently than treating a woman; a man shouldn’t be given any respect for not being a virgin before marriage, but they demand it nevertheless, and refusing to do the same. I’m not going to talk for a man because I don’t know, but no one else has the right to judge whether a woman is dirty or clean (except for God, obviously), especially if the man is not “clean himself a.k.a. non-virgin.”
As I said before, I don’t condone promiscuity for neither men nor women, but to assume that just because a woman had sexual relation(s) before marriage, she should be considered “dirty” when it is clear that society does not reflect this toward men show that the bias is always against women than it is toward men show that whatever standard exist for rationalization is biased to support a male point of view.
Everything you’re explaining also further supports that it’s just about status; about marrying a virgin than the woman herself. If she had one lover before her husband (or even if she had sex once because that’s all it takes to lose virginity), she’s still considered as being more “immoral and loose” just because she didn’t “wait” for her husband, thus allowing all these men above to complain about it. While they were willing to enjoy premarital sex with their possible wives, they hated the fact that she was not a virgin at the time of the marriage? I am very confused, you know. It looks to me that they want their cakes and eat it too. If a woman decides to be a virgin until marriage, that means unless the man cheats on the woman during the dating period, he’d also have to abstain. There is no mention of men willing to do this. So why are women held to such high standards?
Your club example further explains societal double standard toward men and women; men are free to engage in sexual relations before marriage and then to desire a virgin who clearly had no experience in that regard (the fact that you’re providing this common example show how prevalent this inequality is in society), but women are considered loose for the same issue. It’s some sort of expectation to pressure women into being nothing but sexual submissive (only to the husband) in a relationship by shading it in “immoral light.”
Again, I won’t argue with you on any of the biblical references, because I am fully aware of all the glorifications of virgins in all monolithic religions present today. There’s an obsession with being a woman’s first, which is what I’ve also been arguing this entire time. We all know that man’s practice with theory or religion for the most part has always been tinted. Even if the bible itself talks of faithfulness from both parties, real practice has never been satisfactory, because no human being has ever stood up to the standards of the bible.
I am reading a thread where the man has married a woman and is complaining about it after the fact (I do regret reading this because I’ve become even more convinced at just how much a woman’s body is still considered by men as some sort of property more than an equal human being, and learned so much stuff about men that probably will deter me from fully trusting them). If these men knew the woman they were going to marry was not a virgin but wanted to marry a virgin, maybe they shouldn’t have married, but they did. It looks like nothing but complaining about how the grass is greener on the other side.
Unless these posters provide actual evidence of where they got these polls and statistics, I cannot trust any of them especially because I know of so many women who were virgins before marriage, but nothing repelled their husbands from cheating on these women, and breaking a marriage apart. On the other hand, I see many of my friends who were not virgins at the time of marriage, and yet are leading happy marriages. What am I supposed to deduce from that? Trust what I see or hearsay from someone I don’t know?
It really looks to me that these men are angry because they weren’t the first man. Nothing more than that; an obsession with status and some sort of glorified thought that “they married a virgin.” This thread teaches me that love clearly doesn’t conquer all.
I never said that virgins should be treated less than non-virgins, or whatnot; merely that a woman’s virginity or lack thereof should not be a reason for a husband to think murderous thoughts about someone (as posted above). I also think if a woman’s had 30 partners or something, she probably has STD’s and should avoided, and if any man marries her, he accepts these faults when he enters into a legally binding relationship with her and isn’t the brightest of the bunch, but demanding a woman stay a virgin until marriage (whenever that may be for anyone) is basically dictating that a woman never fall in love with anyone but the husband, to never make any mistakes in terms of emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex until she dons on that white dress and walks down the aisle first. Isn’t it men’s fault for putting women in such high pedestals when they themselves cannot live with the same standards?
People obviously do understand that woman has a greater part in reproduction, and thus the bias that they should be more careful with their bodies and the negative treatment for even the slightest possibilities of mistreatment of that; however, it is the male behavior of trying to control that up until recent centuries that have made a lot of women think that it’s not really theirs to begin with. Women were always considered the weaker human (unless they were a mother, at which point they’re then considered as the strongest being), to never take charge of her sexuality other than by keeping herself a virgin until marriage for her “husband”, while men are allowed to explore sexuality before marriage. I am not only talking about western society, but even today, there are some countries that perform female genital mutilation as means of controlling a woman’s sexuality. A lot of Muslim societies control women by forcing them to cover themselves with clothing completely. While claiming that the woman has power over sex, the fact is that’s not actually the case with many societies. Men still very much try to control it. Virginity or promotion of virginity just looks like the less painful version of that.
There never is any reason for discrimination among sexes or races, but there are. For women, in practice, it really does boil down to the fact that her sexual organs and her use or lack thereof are the reasons for differential treatment.
Off subject…………
My definition of overpopulation is not based on acre/person, but more on resources/person. It’s clear that resources are not equally distributed among all people on earth, and the prevalence of AIDS globally and the high death rate (evidence of natural population control) for example show that Earth is overpopulated. The fact that many animals die as a direct result of human manipulation (of which not all are our faults but the faults of our ancestors) proves that humans are quickly reaching the threshold if they have not done so already.
It’s great that US is so great in size that everyone can live in such space, but the fact is not every part of this country is necessarily habitable without some assistance.
Back on subject…………..
I don’t mean to disrespect those women who cannot have children, but it is true that woman’s sexuality is never a glorified aspect of her, only the childbearing and mothering aspect. Only a woman ever menstruates (as men do not), the fact is she is discriminated against for a 1/4 of their sexually viable life (in the bible that is) all for a process that is a necessary factor for that “gift”. The fact that women have been treated more as property than human for most of recorded history also show exactly what that “gift” equates to.
I’m not talking here because I want to lose my virginity and justify it, just that some of the posts above have greatly disturbed me with their talks of violence and defamation of women just because she may have at one point engaged in sexual behavior before marriage. Just because we humans act more like virus in our ability to manipulate our environment doesn’t change the fact that we are still very much part of the ecosphere as dependents. We are part of the food chain and the evolutionary chain (unless you are a creationist, .. then I won’t argue with that aspect) just like everything else on the planet. Some may want to put a spin on sex as being more important, but there are much more important things in this world than sex. If everyone really did think of sex as nothing but reproduction, there is no need for demonization of a non-virgin female body, and perhaps we humans would be less self-obsessed and more focused on improvement of environment around us.
Flip this situation around, and I would have every right to call basically all non-virgin men as whores for engaging in premarital affairs (more because men can engage in sex without any emotional attachment, right?), but I’d be the one being called crazy for it.
Sure, the words on the scripture doesn’t say what pastors say, but most people go with it and most people tend to act on it too. All religion have been exploited by men in power to control the unaware masses, but unfortunately, it is the acts of these people that moves history most of the time, not the words in a book.
J
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 10:45 am
QUOTE
If she had one lover before her husband (or even if she had sex once because that’s all it takes to lose virginity), she’s still considered as being more “immoral and loose” just because she didn’t “wait” for her husband, thus allowing all these men above to complain about it.
/QUOTE
A woman who did not wait until marriage cannot ever be my wife, period. I do not condemn her but she must leave me alone, for I’ll never marry her no amount how much she whines and complains.
And I do not care how others treat her, that is a problem between her and society. I am not “society”, I am an individual with my own criteria for selecting a good wife. Get used to it.
QUOTE
to assume that just because a woman had sexual relation(s) before marriage, she should be considered “dirty” when it is clear that society does not reflect this toward men show that the bias is always against women than it is toward men show that whatever standard exist for rationalization is biased to support a male point of view.
/QUOTE
She is not “dirty”, she’s merely below my intimacy standards. She has to GET OVER IT and move on. And I don’t care about society: if anyone is offended by my wife selection criteria, that is their problem, not mine.
Again, I’m a virgin so don’t accuse me of double standards. Your rants against them are getting boring and constitute over 75% of your posts here.
QUOTE
There’s an obsession with being a woman’s first
/QUOTE
I find that being the first is extremely romantic. And neurologically VERY bonding. So what? Do you have a problem with that? Am I not entitled to experience the emotions that I like and to search for the wife that I want? Funny how you defend women’s right to sex anywhere anytime, yet deny future husbands the right to find a virgin wife for themselves.
Double standards, perhaps?
QUOTE
no human being has ever stood up to the standards of the bible.
/QUOTE
Just because you can’t uphold standards does not mean that we should not have any kind of standard or example to follow.
QUOTE
a woman’s body is still considered by men as some sort of property more than an equal human being
/QUOTE
It is not property, but how a woman treats it IS my business… If she wants to become my wife. Simple. You can sleep all day if you want, but don’t be surprised if an employer does not hire you for a job.
QUOTE
learned so much stuff about men that probably will deter me from fully trusting them
/QUOTE
You’ll never trust men because you scare off good men (but not sex-seeking jerks). This is because of your man-hating feminist upbringing. Do not think that men cannot feel that you HATE men. They sense that, and run for the hills. You even said earlier that you don’t need men. So why should they waste their love on the likes of you? Start behaving like a gentle woman and with some luck things MIGHT improve for you.
QUOTE
I see many of my friends who were not virgins at the time of marriage, and yet are leading happy marriages.
/QUOTE
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
(Henry David Thoreau)
QUOTE
these men are angry because they weren’t the first man.
/QUOTE
I politely refuse their unwanted attention, and MOVE ON. Or at least, I can. Can they?
QUOTE
Nothing more than that; an obsession with status and some sort of glorified thought that “they married a virgin.”
/QUOTE
I search a virgin for myself, NOT to boost social status. I already said I don’t care about what society thinks.
QUOTE
love clearly doesn’t conquer all.
/QUOTE
Love is such an ambiguous term. And no, it does not conquer all and it is silly to even think it can.
QUOTE
a woman’s virginity or lack thereof should not be a reason for a husband to think murderous thoughts about someone (as posted above).
/QUOTE
But they do. Should not VERSUS they do. You can’t change human nature, especially not with your arrogance and naiveté.
QUOTE
demanding a woman stay a virgin until marriage (whenever that may be for anyone) is basically dictating that a woman never fall in love with anyone but the husband, to never make any mistakes in terms of emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex until she dons on that white dress and walks down the aisle first.
/QUOTE
You can “fall in love” without having sex. I guarantee that you can. And that you can “fall out of love”, also.
Mistakes? A woman can make mistakes. But I won’t forgive just any mistake. I am not Jesus Christ.
Emotional attachment? My wife must be attached only to me. In fact, many marital problems arise from the fact that a wife is not fully loyal to her husband. Exes are not needed or wanted in any way.
Again, I won’t comment anymore on the whole trite double standards topic as I already explained what I think on the subject.
QUOTE
up until recent centuries… for most of recorded history… etc.
/QUOTE
There is this feminist “liberation” obsession in all your posts. Can’t you just enjoy life on your terms, as I do? Do you have to fight a “men vs women” war? And don’t even get me started on your eugenics ideology rooted in “planet-saving” indoctrination. Remember that only communism makes people equal, and that caused hundreds of millions of government-caused human deaths.
QUOTE
All religion have been exploited by men in power to control the unaware masses, but unfortunately, it is the acts of these people that moves history most of the time, not the words in a book.
/QUOTE
There is an international feminist cult that is destroying men-women relations (and nuclear family as a result, which was the primary target since the beginning), and an international environmentalist cult hell-bent on population reduction “to save the planet” (so the wealthy won’t have to share their resources with us; see, it’s all about resources).
They are controlling the unaware masses (of which you are very much a part, sorry to say). Try spending some time fighting them, rather than spending your life whining about double sexual standards (since there are things more important than sex, as you said!) which I condemned in the first place.
Reality Bites
Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 3:02 am
QUOTE
Just because some or all women don’t enjoy their monthly cycle doesn’t mean it’s not a gift.
Ask a woman who wants to have a child but can’t because her menstration or ovulation is unavailble
for whatever reason. Its a gift !
/QUOTE
Well said. But some women only want the positive without the negative, power without responsibility, pleasure without pain.
Reality Bites
Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 1:32 am
I strongly advise seeing a shrink. I think most of these people here were born in early 1800. Man open your eyes its already 2010 if you didn’t notice! What is important is the present. If your wife is not swallowing someone else s penis except yours, then you should all be happy. There’s nothing like your so called heavenly sex, nor preordained sex partner (stop making excuses like a little whiny boy). Don’t treat your wife like a piece of property or a cow. If she closes her eyes and thinks of the previous dude when you’re making love then there’s a problem.
OK,what if a women saved her virginity just for you and within a few months you realize she’s not the right one for you, do you go hunting for another virgin? Or do you want to spent your life with her just for the sake of her being a virgin (even though she turns out to be a crack head) . Do you want your own mother, sister or daughter treated the same way by some ignorant man?
I really think your wives deserve a better respecting men. Love is to give not to take all for yourselves.
PR
Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 8:44 am
QUOTE
I strongly advise seeing a shrink.
/QUOTE
Why? Is independent thinking a disease in this age of conformism?
QUOTE
I think most of these people here were born in early 1800. Man open your eyes its already 2010 if you didn’t notice!
/QUOTE
And? What kind of reasoning would that be? Appealing to novelty, “newer is better”? Prove it to me. You can’t? Then perhaps your reasoning skill sucks, doesn’t it? Funny how your reasoning skill is broken, yet no one will be able to suggest you a good medic to fix that!
I suggest turning off your TV. For a start.
QUOTE
What is important is the present. If your wife is not swallowing someone else s penis except yours, then you should all be happy.
/QUOTE
Why? Previous sexual expectations, emotional attachment to exes and STIs won’t go away with your naive wishful thinking. I live in a real world of consequences. Do you? Obviously not.
QUOTE
There’s nothing like your so called heavenly sex,
/QUOTE
Sex does not have to be heavenly, just EXCLUSIVE. According to my philosophy.
QUOTE
nor preordained sex partner (stop making excuses like a little whiny boy).
/QUOTE
No one is preordained. But when two people choose each other, it should be forever. According to my idea of marriage.
QUOTE
Don’t treat your wife like a piece of property or a cow.
/QUOTE
“My wife” she’ll never become, unless she submits her full sexuality to me, and retroactively. Don’t bypass my selection process with puerile linguistic exercises. Oh and personal attacks won’t lend a lick of credibility to your feminist liberation ideology.
QUOTE
If she closes her eyes and thinks of the previous dude when you’re making love then there’s a problem.
/QUOTE
No one can discover that. And she cannot control that. So I stay safe and exclude her from my life before she even becomes a part of it. Simple.
QUOTE
OK,what if a women saved her virginity just for you and within a few months you realize she’s not the right one for you, do you go hunting for another virgin?
/QUOTE
No one is preordained, remember? She saved her virginity for SOMEONE. Not necessarily for me. And I won’t have sex before marriage. And yes, I’ll look for another virgin. Case closed.
QUOTE
Or do you want to spent your life with her just for the sake of her being a virgin (even though she turns out to be a crack head).
/QUOTE
Not all virgins are suitable for me. Women like J, I’ll gladly avoid. I plan to find a decent virgin and to marry her. Not impossible at all, despite doomsayers.
QUOTE
Do you want your own mother, sister or daughter treated the same way by some ignorant man?
/QUOTE
I do not plan to express my sexuality with any of them.
QUOTE
I really think your wives deserve a better respecting men. Love is to give not to take all for yourselves.
/QUOTE
I give all of myself. But I expect the same in return.
Reality Bites
Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 3:38 am
HaHaHa.
The hoes have spoken….lol
It’s funny how those who are opposed to a wife being a virgin are woman who I’m sure are not virgin brides themself. If these men don’t want nothing to do with ya then that is there right. If ya choose to sex every exposed dick you come across you have no one to blame or be upset with but yourself. Fact is, no MAN wants that.
Hoes are for the community.
Wives are for their husbands.
Which one are you ?
Piper
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Furthermore, j WTF are you talking about. You’re rambling on and on contridicting yourself and saying absolutely nothing. Your wasting Internet space. Where are you from ?
And the chic with all the “what ifs”…
What if you were a virgin and married a virgin and had a good life. All those negative “what ifs” tell me one thing.
YOUR PAST
Piper
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Well, if you can’t understand what I am saying, there is no reason for me to try to explain it to you as it is clear by the language here that you do not have the capability to understand the language anyways (especially when you cannot even spell the word “contradicting” properly or use proper grammar; it’s “you’re,” not “your”).
I do not contradict myself at any point. My points are clear: one, virginity is nothing more than status-glorifying tool for men used to demonize and force women to a lower status than men to justify wrong-doings and unequal treatment by men against women throughout history. Two, if a man is not a virgin, he should never expect to marry a virgin wife. Three, that a woman is held to a very high standard without providing her the adequate instruments to attain and maintain that standard. If you can’t understand that… then either you’re not reading clearly enough, or maybe you don’t have the ability to understand.
You’re right on one point and one point only: I am not a bride.
I also did not oppose a woman keeping her virginity until marriage as it is her choice to do so. I only argued that a lack of virginity alone should not be a basis for determination of entering into a marriage. Shouldn’t people get married because they love each other, and are willing to put up with each other for better or for worse for the rest of their lives? If you men are so crazy about a virgin wife, maybe you should wait until you find a virgin girl and put all your eggs in that basket and ignore any other woman that come by in your life before and after marriage.
Before you men go mad about how women should be faithful to a husband (who she may not meet until she is in her 20’s or 30’s) until marriage, if you yourself have at any point, had sex with a woman who is not your wife, you have absolutely no right in demanding you be someone’s first, as your wife also has the right to take someone’s virginity but lost that right. To do so otherwise, is plain selfishness and greed.
There is also no reason why I shouldn’t defend women and their right to enjoy life in general; it’s a fictional belief held by some men that a woman who is a virgin would automatically defend a male point of view. Just because I’ve never had sex with anyone doesn’t mean I will be the ever-faithful, perfect wife in marriage in the future, just as someone who may have had sex before marriage may be the perfect wife for that husband.
Just because I will be waiting until marriage for various reasons doesn’t mean I should enforce my beliefs on someone else. They have the right to determine what is best for them. If I can convince the someone else to wait, that’s great. But I will not participate in demonizing a woman (by calling her a hoe) just because she fell in love with someone before her husband came along. Like I said, if you really want a virgin wife, be her first love, stay as her first love, marry her, and take her virginity on her wedding night.
I’m against sexual promiscuity in general, by both genders. If you men are not willing to accept the fact that you need to stay a virgin for your wife who will also stay a virgin for you, then it’s not worth discussing anything.
Status Quo will not change unless both sexes are held to the same standard and stick by that.
A woman or man cannot help but be virgins if both party agrees not to engage in sexual behavior. It’s not only a woman’s choice/duty to say “no before marriage” but also a man’s choice/duty to say “I will not coerce you/manipulate you/get you in the mood in any way to have sex with me before marriage.”
J
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 11:24 pm
Chic, it’s nice that you have spell check to bad you don’t have grammar or common sense check because your grammar is not as good as you think, (YOU ARE supposed to put a comma before you open a parethesis. See my example) and you have no common sense. I could go on but this is the internet and the ish does not matter. You bable and bable and bable. Using alot of words to say absolutely nothing does not make you intelligent. It’s actually quite the opposite. You think you are being intelligent but you sound like a moron. You got more contradictions then the GOP. One minute you’re waiting on the right guy next “your” waiting on marriage. First “your” talking about the worlds population then all of the sudden you change it to the worlds health … WTH. Once again I could go on but …… etc. Just the fact that you post here is suspect. Posting on the internet will not redeem past hoeisms. I’ll say it again, if these men don’t want nothing to do with ya because of your past sexual exploits, it’s there right. Stop trying to change there minds. Furthermore, the later part of ur last post is just regurgitation from what has already been written in this thread.
FIN
Piper
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 5:32 am
By the way, “anyways” is not a word.
I think you mean anyway …. 🙂
Piper
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 5:35 am
I never said or tried to make myself intelligent by any means. If it takes more words for me to present my views, then so be it. If it’s confusing, those who take the time to read and answer courteously obviously will convince me that maybe men are justified for wanting a virgin wife than those who automatically flame anyone for having contrary opinions. You don’t flame the men who say, “I love my wife who was not a virgin at the time of the marriage.” Why am I your target? Because I’m a woman, and you think your worth will go up by insulting me.
The fact that I post here is nothing more than evidence of genuine curiosity and being disturbed by the posts enough to act.
I got it; you men want to and will have premarital sex, but your wife must be a virgin, or she’s a whore in your eyes. You want your cake and eat it too. It’s okay for you to be rags, sleeping around with women before marriage, but your wife needs to be pure, clean, and never touched, so you can mark her first and boast about it. Any woman you marry must be a virgin, or she’s not worthy of your utmost love. I completely understand.
No man has yet to reply, “I abstained from sex during the time my wife and I dated, and at the time we got married, we were both virgins.”
The fact that you’re here is evidence that you’re one bitter troll who is bent on stress relief by bashing women who you think are easy to bash because they’re of “lower quality” than you. You must be one sad man. Enough assumption yet?
Besides, you like conspiracy too much; if you google virginity, this blog pops up. It’s not hard to wander into, to look at what the post is about. Why am I being discriminated against as being a hoe by a horrible internet troll like you? It’s because I am a woman and although a virgin, do not agree with the rest of the male audience.
Have you ever thought that maybe you have no right to judge anyone? Have you never made a single mistake in your life? You have no right to call anyone a hoe, even if the target is a prostitute. Only she and she alone can call herself that.
I can argue for non-virgin woman without actually losing virginity. I feel sorry for women who are married to men like you, as it’s clear that they’re not even treated as an equal partner in your minds.
Just because I didn’t go out and get laid doesn’t mean anything. I can have a standard that I put myself up to, but that standard applies to me alone, just as your standards belong to you only and doesn’t apply to anyone else, no matter how much you want it to. I won’t judge anyone by their sexual lives or lack thereof. Why do I have to hate members of my own gender in order to accepted by men like you?
By the way, I know it’s just a summary of all of my posts; I was convinced by your previous post that you were stupid, so I spelled it out for you.
Oh, and I did mean anywayS. You spell words in whatever way you want, I have the right to add an extra S at the end of words on the internet where I don’t need to proofread. I mean, you still mixed up few of your contractions and possessives, but I’m sure you intended it.
J
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 6:36 am
To your first sentence – you got that right.
I choose you because you first came in here putting people down for broken english, spelling …. etc. Yet you say, “Have you ever thought that maybe you have no right to judge anyone? Have you never made a single mistake in your life”. You’ve made plenty but yet you’re the first to point others out. Another one of your contradictions.
Just because you’re stupid doesn’t mean I am. It was not a summary of just your post. Other people post some of the same things you babled before your slow ass got here. I guess this was the only thread that came up in your google search. Get a life chic o stick. You flip flop
constantly in your post. Whatever suits your point for the moment I guess.. I’m sure you say “anyways” when you speak. Why, because until I told you, you didn’t know any better. HaHaHa you just happened to add the “S”. My wife and I were not virgins when we got married but neither one of us knows another partner. Ut Oh, there goes your bs about conspiracys and whatever the hell else you were babling about.
I noticed you didn’t reply to wheather you are waiting for the right guy or marriage or if you meant world population or world health. You’re all over the place with your redundant post sucking up bandwidth. If you’re a virgin so is Madonna.
Piper
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 7:55 am
i didn’t put anyone down, nor did I point anyone out at first. You were the one who called every woman who posted here, a “hoe” and lame catch phrases; of course it would be easy to think you’re an uneducated sexist pig.
You’re right; I should go get a life. I should go out, party, and sleep with whoever; instead, I’m online, writing a long comment about virginity. How lame of me. I thought I was conversing with people (other than you). I also said in my previous post that I regret entering this blog because it was like seeing the part of a man that he doesn’t show to his own wife under the cover of anonymity.
It’s true that my understanding of sexuality between men and women is still a bit fuzzy. The fact that I have no experience in this area means I have nothing but literature and opinions to depend on for any sort of opinion, thus it is possible for my views to be idealized. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken a blog entry and comments as seriously as I had. There is no sin in trying to convince people, but I do not accuse anyone of being anything unless they’ve shown it on their comment.
It’s clear that you didn’t understand my intentions either. None of my assumptions about you are correct, and neither is your assumption about me.
I did reply; it’s called, everyone has their own standards. Like I said before, I am following my own standards for behavior but will not impose that on anyone else. I will not judge any woman on my standards. Personally, I almost don’t mind dying a virgin; sex is not at the top of my to do list. It may change in a few years, but right now, it’s not important. By the time I am ready to put love as a priority, I seriously doubt I’ll find any man who is a virgin (unless he’s a monk). I’m already in my 20’s. At this point, a significant amount of men have already lost it. Heck, if I wanted to lose it, I’d be out clubbing and trying to hook up instead of writing on this blog.
It makes me insecure in the ways that I am inexperienced. Sounds like a paradox, doesn’t it? Here, so many men complain about their wives not being a virgin, and I am scared of the fact that I’ve not done anything. Some of these men who posted seemed to present the fact that their wives were not virgins more than the fact that they love them. In fact, a lot of them seemed to obsess over that. That’s very scary; it’s like a man may want to marry me only because I am a virgin, foremost, and not because he loves me. So then I wonder, if I take virginity out of the equation, what happens? The above dialogue with various commenters happened.
As for your reply to world population and health, I have no clue exactly what point you’re making as to that. I did mention STD’s, and I did mention overpopulation but you’re taking them out of context. What world health?
You didn’t clearly present any additional argument other than “you contradict”, “you babble”, “you’re not a virgin.” I already told you I’ve never had sex with anyone ever, and if you don’t believe me, that’s fineå. I can’t prove that to you over the internet, it’s either I’m a loser 20-something year old virgin with no life, or a hoe with an agenda. I know I’ve never done it, the guy who (if I ever get married) I will sleep with will know it, so why should I care that some unknown guy doesn’t think I’m a virgin, right?
J
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 8:59 am
Now add to your list – a liar. It’s as simple as going back and reading your previous post. It’s amazing how it’s right there in writing that you wrote yet you deny it. IF you’re a virgin then why are you so concerned about being called a hoe ? That comment is directed at the hoes and they know who they are. So now you call yourself lame then try to blame me for using the word first later. Another one of your constant inconsistencies. Your vision isn’t fuzzy you’re blind in one eye blurred in the other. You say you where here to gain information but I see atleast two other posters that tried to explain it to you nicely but notice one thing. They’re not replying to you anymore. They’re not replying because you were and are arguing the same point over and over, calling people on language and grammar,(and scroll up a reread because you did start that) and you simply just don’t get it as others have commented. So you weren’t conversating with others you were conversating at them and they stopped talking back along time ago. You didn’t realize this because you were to busy blabber mouthing. Do you do that in real conversation, Talk talk talk, you you you, talk talk talk ? You wanna understand about a mans thoughts on the subject read the effin post and shut the eff up a learn something for once.
Girl, I’m gonna tell you like this. There are 20 or more woman for every man and like it or not you got competition, true story. Just like any competition you, a woman has to set herself apart from the rest. You, (if you’re really a virgin) are ahead of the pack. You as a virgin will be able to pick and choose your husband in the future. There ain’t no shame in being a virgin and only someone who regrets not being a virgin or whose trying to get in your pants will tell you otherwise. You better embrace your virginity and walk proud with it because that’s what men want period. That’s not to say that if you are not a virgin you won’t find someone fall in love and marry. There’s just more respect for twenty something year old virgins out there then hoes of any age and that’s the truth. Alot of men would probably never admit that to there no virgin wives out of respect and feelings but the truth is the truth and it’ll set ur ass free. I know plenty of 20 virgins male and female. You’ll get married and your relationship will be healthier for waiting.
If what you say about yourself is true then you’re holding all the cards. Don’t throw them away like so many chics already have and then complain there are no good men out there. Ha!
Piper
Friday, February 12, 2010 at 6:36 pm
The ideal situation for Christian marriage is, of course, when both parties are virgins, having understood that marriage is the only place in God’s eyes for sexual relations. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Many times, a person raised in a godly home and saved from childhood wishes to marry someone who was saved in their 20s and 30s and who brings to their Christian marriage a past lived according to worldly standards. While God puts our sins as far from us as the east is from the west when we come to Him in repentance and faith in Christ (Psalm 103:12), people have long memories and forgetting someone’s past may not be easy. The inability to forgive and forget the past mistakes of one of the marriage partners will definitely influence the marriage negatively.
Before entering into a marriage with someone with a sexual past, it’s crucial to understand that salvation and forgiveness of sin is given to us by grace. “By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). When we begin to understand what it means to be truly forgiven, we begin to see through God’s eyes and how much He must love us, and that helps us forgive others. To forgive is to let go of the other person’s past and see him or her as a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). Christ died for his/her sin and the potential spouse now has to decide if it can be lived with. This is where doctrine moves from the theoretical to the practical.
In matters of forgiveness, it always helps to see our own pasts in God’s eyes. Sexual sin is certainly grievous to God, but so is lying, cheating, bad thoughts, drinking/smoking too much, impatience, pride, and unforgiveness. Who among us is without sin and can ‘cast the first stone’? Before coming to Christ each of us is “dead in transgressions and sins” and is made alive only by God’s grace (Ephesians 2:1-5). The question is can we forgive others as Christ forgave us? Completely and from the heart? Being able to do so is a mark of a true Christian. Jesus said if we don’t forgive, neither will God forgive us (Matthew 6:14-15). He did not mean that forgiving others is a way of procuring God’s forgiveness, which we know is by grace alone, but rather that a forgiving heart is a sign of the presence of the Holy Spirit in the heart of a true believer. Continued unforgiveness is a sign of a hard, unregenerate heart.
Before entering into a marriage with a non-virgin, much thought, prayer, and introspection is in order. James 1:5 tells us that if we seek wisdom, God will grant it freely to all who ask. Speaking with a godly pastor and being involved in a Bible teaching church will help in the decision making process. Some churches have excellent pre-engagement classes. Also, talking freely and openly with the potential mate about these things may reveal things in both parties’ pasts that need to be addressed and forgiven.
Marriage is a challenge in the best of circumstances and takes a lot of work to make it successful. Both partners need, and deserve, to be loved unconditionally. Ephesians 5 describes the roles of both husband and wife in marriage, but the passage begins with the overriding principle for both: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Willing sacrifice and the strength to choose to be a servant to the betterment of the marriage are the marks of a maturing spiritual man and woman who honor God. Wisely choosing a spouse based upon biblical qualities is important, but of equal importance are our own ongoing spiritual growth and our surrender to God’s will in our lives. A man who is seeking to be the man God wants him to be will be able to help his wife be the woman God desires her to be and, despite their pasts, they will be able to build their marriage into a God-honoring union that delights them both.
Warrior Elite
Sunday, April 11, 2010 at 11:11 pm
whores that suddenly after marriage become holy angels of faithfulness lol, if that is not a fetish i dont know what it is
do not be deceived, faithfulness starts before marriage and whoever does not agree is a supreme ignoramus who should take statistics classes and read factbooks
education solves many problems. for the hopeless, just wait for the divorce papers and that nasty alimony request in the courts that “could not be foretold” ahaha you guys are fucking funny do you know that
amusing to say the least
Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 4:02 am
Oh God, force me to marry her. Amen.
Force me!
Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Clap Clap Clap….
Very well written and executed !
However, let’s not forget that the only reason GOD does allow divorce is in the case where a wife has fornicated, (not adultey). GOD knew/knows that a mans heart could not always resolve to know that his wife has laid with someone other then him. -Dueteronomy 24-
Piper
Friday, April 30, 2010 at 1:30 am
WHEN WE BUY A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT, WE CHECK IF WE HAVE OUR OWN “PRIVATE BATHROOM / TOILET ” RIGHT?
WE WOULDN’T LIKE TO USE ACCOMMODATIONS WHICH HAS “SHARED” BATHROOM/TOILETS RIGHT?
SIMILARY, DECENT HUMANS DON’T LIKE TO USE PUBLIC TOILETS AND URINALS, WHERE EVERY BODY HAVE SHOWN WHAT THEY HAVE “GOT”..
GET ME?
SO PERHAPS THAT ANSWERS WHY SHOULD A WIFE BE A VIRGIN… AFTER ALL DOING THE “INAGURATION CEREMONY” IS A CHANCE WHICH VERY PRIVELEGED FEW GET NOW A DAYS..
TO EXPLAIN YOU THE OTHER WAY, SUPPOSE YOU LIKE HONEY AND HAVE A BIG JAR FULL OF YOUR FAVORITE HONEY, STILL NOT OPENED BY YOU. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU RELAIZE THAT SOME ONE HAS ALREADY TASTED “YOUR” HONEY?
WOULD YOU BE A MAN AND “DISTRIBUTE” YOUR HONEY EVEN BEFORE YOU TASTE IT? i AM SURE DECENT MEN DON’T DISTRIBUTE AT ALL, BUT FOR YOU I HAVE THIS Q. THINK ABOUT IT AND COMMENT IF REQUIRED.
Mohit
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 at 2:06 pm
> Sometimes age is not enough to grow up.
For you, it certainly was not.
I Enjoy Your Wife And She Won't Tell You
Saturday, August 14, 2010 at 4:34 pm
NullBit, your nonvirgin wife will never see you as special. You see, you are her SIMPLETON MASTURBATION MACHINE and she will leave you as soon as you start having sexual problems or she finds somebody that pleases her more. (Both events usually happen at the same time, so take heart as you ready yourself!)
What? You thought that she was only fucking you? What say you, now she is with you? But she was with someone else earlier, why can’t she replace a bozo just like she did with the bozos that came before you? She DEMONSTRATED that she can replace someone no longer fitting her purposes.
Do you really think that she would never replace you as a sex toy? And what proof do you have of your supposed irreplaceability? Yeah, she is with you… FOR NOW.
If you thought that you were special to her, now THAT is an unequalled childish fetish fantasy. Who the hell you think you are? She only wants sexual pleasure AND your money for her shopping. Her alimony request in the courts will be your hard-reality wake-up call which no ridiculing will work against, let me assure you of that. In fact, prepare to lose all your money AND your offspring to her.
Sure, be like that, do not see it coming: “But I thought you loved me?” Hardy Har-har. Fool.
This blog is dead
Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 2:40 am
The coward killed himself when his wife left him, this is why he can’t reply. That, or AIDS did its magic. Either way, one less dork on this planet and we should all be grateful.
McFadden
Friday, August 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm
My two cents on this topic.
First hats off to Jennifer for expounding that men and women are equal in all aspects as created by God irrespective of their sexual organs, their mental make up and blah blah … The fact is that till we erase this inequality between men and women, both the sexes are going to suffer as they have done in the past.
Now, here is what I think of on the issue of virgin or being non- virgin.
1) Whenever any of the partnera has had previous physical relationship with the opposite sexes, there is a mutual exchange of some bodily excretions at the physical level. But there is something beyond that happens and that is an emotional bond and a part of oneself gets exchanged between the partner. So, what it means that he or she doesn’t remain the same as he/she was before. Nothing comes free in life. So, unlike animal, God has reated men/women in such a manner that any kind of sexual relationship between men and women is much more than just being physical. And so, it is much more complex.
2) So, the question is whether we should indulge in such act before marriage or not. Well, we should know the consequences of getting into such acts first. Depending on the nos. of sexually active partner that he or she had, the complete self ( physical + mental+emotional+ spiritual) will get determined by the nos. of partner one had. A part of each partners become a part of your self and then you don’t remain what you were before. So what it means to your marriage and post marriage. Well, you start comparing your wife/husband with all your previous relationships that you had. children are the most beautifull gift that God has bestowed upon Humanity and they are borne out of love and affection of both the partners. If there is a lack of love because of the situations where the partners had previous relationshsips, you will not be able to give your 100 % to child bearing act and your children would feel lack of love throughout their life, they may wander without any purpose and such children resort to drugs and other …..
3) In today’s world, each of us feels that well I am not sure if my parner is going to be virgin or not. Well, life is built upon faith, love and sacrifice. Even if one of the partner is clean and honest in terms of his /her conscience, it would show up in the quality of life, our children and many more. Finally, each of us has to bear the karma/ results of what we have sown in our lives. So, many of us has to start this and say I will not indulge in such acts before our marriage as this is going to ruin my life, children and ……..
or else , let us be very clear in our conscience and say that we will not get into the sacred institution of marriage as this has lot sof impact on future generation, society, world and future well being of mankind. We will continue laying around and have fun in our life. Well not sure, for how long we can do that as it ultimately lead to complete destruction of man/woman.
So, let’s be responsible in our thought/words/actions and do something that is good for ourselves/socity/mankind. Some one has to start this and let us be that some one and show the torch to others or lese this planet will become full of sorrows.
Well, according to Hindu belief, if we preserve our semen and use it for child bearing act after marriage, the childrens of ours can be really very strong, bright and successful in their life. Try it and see for yourself.
With Love and Regards,
Manoj
Manoj Kumar
Monday, August 23, 2010 at 10:01 pm
SO U GUYS WANT A USED CONTAINER FOR UR KIDS WHEN THEY ARE INSIDE?
U WANT TO DEPOSIT UR KIDS AT PLACES WHERE OTHER “PROSPECTS” ALREADY HAVE PAID A VISIT?
LOVE IS NOT ALL ABOUT SEX.. IT IS ABOUT RESPECT AS WELL.. SO IF 2 PARTNERS REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER BEFORE MARRIAGE WHI IS SEX ESSENTIAL?
I THINK ‘I LOVE U’ IS PERHAPS THE CHEAPEST WORD AVAILABLE NOW.. IT IS LIKE A KEY TO GIRL’S VAGINA..
SCREW HER AND ALL LOVE IS GONE ALONG WITH TEH EJACULATION.. GIRLS TOO ARE EXTREMLY STUPID AND LUSTFUL.. THEY TOO ARE AT EQUAL FAULTS.. WHY OTHERWISE WOULD THEY BE READY TO REMOVE THEIR PANTIES AND SPREAD THEIR LEGS?
THEY TOO LIKE THE FUN PART.. LOVE IS JUST ONE EXCUSE TO BE SEX USED..
SUCH PEOPLE ARE EMOTIONLESS, HEARTLESS, CRUEL, LIARS, MANIPULATORS, CHEATERS
THERE COULD BE GENUINE LOVE I DONT DENY BUT THEN WHY DIDNT IT CULMINATE INTO MARRIAGE? WHAT STOPPED THEM? IF THEY COULD FUCK BEFORE MARRIAGE AND NO ONE STOPPED THEN, WHY WOULD ANY ONE STOP THEM FOR MARRYING?
I THINK THESE PEOPLE DONT WANT ANY COMMITMENT..AS SAID ABOVE THEY ALL WANT SEX BY USING CHEAP WORDS LIKE ‘I LOVE U’, ‘I WILL BE WITH U FOR EVER’ ETC ETC..
SOME ARE SMART TO USE CONDOMS AND DO GOOD BUSINESS FOR LATEX COMPANIES, SOME MAKE MISTAKES AND PRODUCE BASTARDS, WHICH THE SOCIETIES HAVE TO BEAR…
SO THIS IS LOVE IN THESE TIMES, MERI JAAN…
SEX AND LUST
Mohit
Sunday, September 5, 2010 at 5:43 am
Wow.
Seriously, a lot of you guys have some raging madonna/whore complex going on inside of your little brains there. No wonder you’re angry–you are having problems placing women into these nice, neat little black & white categories you’ve created and can’t seem to fathem that women aren’t like that at all. You are never going to find an assexual version of your MOMMIES!! Just because a woman is not a virgin doesn’t automatically make her a slut and try to impale herself on “every exposed dick” out there. That’s ridiculous! Reality Bites, you have some serious issues going on. Jennifer just gave a simple testimony of how forunate she was to find a man who loves her despite the fact that she trusted the wrong guy first, and you bash her for no longer being worthy of life since she didn’t give her virginity to her husband. You may as well be saying that any woman who willingly gives up her virginity is worthy of death–join the Taliban if that’s the way you feel–they belive in murdering a girl if she happens to stand “too close” to boy. People make mistakes, and they can have effects further down the road, but that does not stop people from living life and working it through. Plenty of non-virgin women to get married and STAY HAPPILY married for the rest of their lives, beacuse they admit their mistakes and know what is important in life, and aren’t “prone” to cheating any more that virgin brides are. Sometimes women loose their virginity to one man BEFORE they get married to them and it works out just fine.
If you want to marry a virgin, fine, no one is making marry someone you don’t want to marry, but get the hell off your high horse and stop judging women by saying they are undeserving of someone else’s love because they’re not virgins! That is NOT your call to make! With you’re kind of attitude, you can expect to stay a virgin for a very, very long time until you finally grow the hell up.
Kat
Saturday, October 9, 2010 at 8:39 pm
QUOTE
Wow.
Seriously, a lot of you guys have some raging madonna/whore complex
/QUOTE
Freud isn’t exactly cutting-edge these days, you know. Some of his theories may be classed as outdated now. Interesting readings, perhaps; but outdated, nonetheless.
QUOTE
going on inside of your little brains there.
/QUOTE
Even an imbecile is able to (among nonsense remarks) say a truth that you will not be able to fight against. Appealing to brain size is a red-herring, a personal attack, or both.
QUOTE
No wonder you’re angry–you are having problems placing women into these nice, neat little black & white categories you’ve created and can’t seem to fathem that women aren’t like that at all.
/QUOTE
There are many shades of gray, but not everyone likes them… Or HAS to like them.
QUOTE
You are never going to find an assexual version of your MOMMIES!!
/QUOTE
More outdated madonna-whore speculation/hearsay. Psychiatry is very far from being an exact science at this time. Just read the new DSM-V and have fun. Oh, and when husband and wife want to have sex and have sex, they are all but asexual in my book.
QUOTE
Just because a woman is not a virgin doesn’t automatically make her a slut and try to impale herself on “every exposed dick” out there. That’s ridiculous!
/QUOTE
Many women do not care about sexual exclusivity. Strangely enough, many men do not like them…
QUOTE
Reality Bites, you have some serious issues going on.
/QUOTE
Be like that, try to insult me (and fail) just because I only am interested in a good virgin. You amuse me with your failed personal attacks.
QUOTE
Jennifer just gave a simple testimony of how forunate she was to find a man who loves her despite the fact that she trusted the wrong guy first,
/QUOTE
Good for her. But in my humble opinion, she should have waited for marriage before having sex.
Sex clouds judgement. If a man is willing to wait until marriage before having sex with a woman, then perhaps he is not interested only in sex and maybe the chances of a happy, lasting marriage might be a bit higher.
Marriages are not a guarantee of happiness. Marriages can fail. But having sex only with someone who committed his/her life specifically to you somewhat seems like a smart thing to me. You have to choose carefully and to stick together in mutual tolerance.
QUOTE
and you bash her for no longer being worthy of life since she didn’t give her virginity to her husband.
/QUOTE
She just isn’t worthy of me. Lesser men can have her.
QUOTE
You may as well be saying that any woman who willingly gives up her virginity is worthy of death–join the Taliban if that’s the way you feel–they belive in murdering a girl if she happens to stand “too close” to boy.
/QUOTE
This is black/white “reasoning”. Pot, meet kettle.
QUOTE
People make mistakes, and they can have effects further down the road, but that does not stop people from living life and working it through.
/QUOTE
They can live life. Without me. Then their mistakes won’t have any effect on me, rest assured of that.
QUOTE
Plenty of non-virgin women to get married and STAY HAPPILY married for the rest of their lives, beacuse they admit their mistakes and know what is important in life, and aren’t “prone” to cheating any more that virgin brides are.
/QUOTE
I do not *need* to get married. I can be picky. And virgin marriages DO last longer. Do your research, baby. It’s out there. I won’t do your homework for you. Not even if you threaten suicide. And I could care less whether you believe me or not. Just search and you will find. I did.
QUOTE
Sometimes women loose their virginity to one man BEFORE they get married to them and it works out just fine.
/QUOTE
It does not “happen”. They WANT it to happen. But some women wait until marriage, and those are smarter in my eyes.
QUOTE
If you want to marry a virgin, fine, no one is making marry someone you don’t want to marry, but get the hell off your high horse and stop judging women by saying they are undeserving of someone else’s love because they’re not virgins! That is NOT your call to make!
/QUOTE
I simply said that they are not worthy of MY love.
QUOTE
With you’re kind of attitude, you can expect to stay a virgin for a very, very long time until you finally grow the hell up.
/QUOTE
Oh, I am so scared! Not.
Why are you enraged? Did I hit a nerve, or what?
Firstly, I’d rather die a happy old virgin than marry someone I could never love and be unhappy for the rest of my life. Sex is not necessary for happiness.
Secondly, any man (mature or immature) can choose to lose virginity to one of those women who trade sex for money (prostitutes, they used to call them). So your strange link between being “grown up” as a prerequisite for sex and losing virginity is a bit weak, to say the least.
Thirdly, telling me to “grow the hell up” is nothing more than a personal attack. Which missed its mark, just like all the others. What does “growing up” mean, anyway? That you don’t like my way of thinking? See if I care. That you don’t believe my social skills are as good as yours? Talk about “being on a high horse”!
Reality Bites
Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 10:17 pm
Struck a nerve? Pish! As if you need to be taken seriuously! Though I don’t appreciate you calling a woman who (..um…agreed with you, btw) loves her husband, a [future] adulterer, and encouraging these equally sinnful men to throw away their family like expired milk and get a “fresh” virgin—as if that’s actually going to cure them of their insecurities. I just felt a little need to put my opinion fourth and express my slight displeasure.
Look, I don’t know what terrible thing happened to you to cause this distorted and unhealthy view, but it’s very obvious that your personal vendetta against woman who make sexual decisions that you don’t approve of is just that: personal.
We can argue for the rest of our lives about the meaning/meanlessless of virginity and how it correlates to marital happiness, but I’m not going to do that–i have a very rich and fulfilling life to live and I’m not going to spend my time trying to reason with a crazy person with whack logic.
Whatever.
Bob-buy!
Kat
Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 11:32 am
QUOTE
As if you need to be taken seriuously!
…
distorted and unhealthy view
…
your personal vendetta against woman who make sexual decisions that you don’t approve of is just that: personal.
…
I’m not going to spend my time trying to reason with a crazy person with whack logic
/QUOTE
If you strip your posts of unsubstantiated personal attacks against me, very little remains.
QUOTE
I just felt a little need to put my opinion fourth and express my slight displeasure.
/QUOTE
Uhm, okay. Now, what’s for dinner…
QUOTE
We can argue for the rest of our lives about the meaning/meanlessless of virginity and how it correlates to marital happiness, but I’m not going to do that
/QUOTE
Makes me wonder why you’re posting here.
QUOTE
i have a very rich and fulfilling life to live
/QUOTE
Go ahead, no one is holding you.
QUOTE
Bob-buy!
/QUOTE
See you around, livid poster.
Reality Bites
Sunday, October 17, 2010 at 11:51 am
@Kat
Two things I know about you from reading your post.
1) You’re a woman
2) You regret losing your virginity when you did.
Understand this, trying to convince others that it’s ok to lose their virginity before marriage, whether it be male or female, is doing satans work for him. You are going directly against GODs word and therefore going directly against GOD.
People make mistakes, things happen and GOD forgives sins.
To answer the question should my wife be a virgin the answer is YES and so should I.
Todd Jekins
Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at 6:06 am
By the way… Strictly speaking…
One can seek a virgin spouse BUT not be asexual towards him/her after marriage.
Here’s the said, much-misunderstood, often-misquoted theory.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex
Reality Bites
Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 4:28 pm
It is obvious the writer of this article is married to a woman who has been “used” as a sperm receptacle by another man. What a joy it would be to realize that there is nothing that you can you with your WIFE that she has not already done with someone else. Even the thought is thoroughly repugnant and disgusting.
Either that or the writer is a woman who has forever lost her purity and has nothing to offer to a spouse that she has not already given away, cheaply. No essay or attempt at philosophy can give you the right to wear a white wedding dress again! You deplorable scum.
Do you think a hymen exists by accident? No way, you fools! Sex is blood covenant that seals the marriage union! Why do you think most marriages end in divorce these days? The reason is that the very foundation was destroyed before the couple ever met! True love means waiting can committing yourself to ONE person until death.
My wife and I will never divorce or cheat on each other. No one has ever had sex with her or kissed even her romantically except me. My wife is pure. I pity the man who is marriage to defiled, foul-smelling human garbage.
I hate to upset the apple cart gentlemen, but the old tampon excuse is a bit ridiculous. If your wife did not bleed, in all probability there is a man to blame somewhere!
A billion dollars cannot buy back a woman’s sacred virginity. I would rather have my wife than a billionaire who was not a virgin. You words cannot hurt me. My wife is pure, and your woman is used garbage! Ha ha ha ha! Scum.
Filzhut
Thursday, December 30, 2010 at 6:30 am
QUOTE
What a joy it would be to realize that there is nothing that you can do with your WIFE that she has not already done with someone else. Even the thought is thoroughly repugnant and disgusting.
/QUOTE
So very true.
QUOTE
Why do you think most marriages end in divorce these days? The reason is that the very foundation was destroyed before the couple ever met! True love means waiting and committing yourself to ONE person until death.
/QUOTE
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Anyway several days ago, an American university published a study on the “Journal of family psychology”. It is a peer-reviewed publication of the American Psychological Association.
The findings? There are several benefits that virginity until marriage provides, which premarital sex does not. The results of the experiment did not, repeat, did not depend from the test subjects’ religion (or lack thereof)! Google News is our friend, read it up.
QUOTE
My wife and I will never divorce or cheat on each other. No one has ever had sex with her or even kissed her romantically except me. My wife is pure.
/QUOTE
You are lucky beyond words.
QUOTE
A billion dollars cannot buy back a woman’s sacred virginity. I would rather have my wife than a billionaire who was not a virgin.
/QUOTE
My thoughts exactly.
Reality Bites
Saturday, January 8, 2011 at 2:49 am
Proverbs 31:10
10Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
If you don’t know the definition of virtuous please look it up.
Todd Jekins
Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at 5:25 am
I am a 30 year old Christian male virgin, who’s been trying to save myself for the girl I marry. I recently ended a relationship with a girl who I found out had sex with 3 other guys. One willingly, and the other two not so willingly. It was heartbreaking because I really cared about this girl, and I really thought I might marry her. I was shocked when I found this out, cause she just didn’t seem like that kind of girl.
I made the mistake of staying with her for another 2 months after I found out, because I didn’t want to be so quick to throw away something special. She had become very important to me. During our time together we came very close to having sex ourselves, but managed not to.
I continued to wrestle with her past and eventually just decided I just couldn’t handle it. So we broke up. I knew the bitterness and resentment was killing me.
I know that the sexual contact we had was wrong and I feel somewhat hypocritical because we did have some sexual contact and almost had sex, but ultimately we did not.
It was very hard for me to leave her because I did care about her, But I knew I had to, cause it would have killed our marriage.
I regret the involvement I had with her. I regret the sexual contact I had with her. And although I may not be “pristine” and completely pure, I am still a virgin. And I am glad to at least have that one piece left that I can give to the woman I marry, and I do hope and pray that she is still a virgin.
ChristianGuy
Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 8:14 am
No matter what others say:
1. It’s good that you managed to stop before full sexual intercourse.
2. It’s good that you two broke up.
3. Retroactive jealousy is okay, and can somewhat decrease at times but never really goes away.
Bottom line, by breaking up you saved yourself (and the girl) a much, much greater suffering. Now, since you’re a Christian, you may pray for God’s forgiveness and somehow go on with your life.
Find a good virgin woman, tell her of your sexual accident and make sure she is REALLY completely okay with the level of intimacy you shared with your last girlfriend. (Tell the new woman it’s important to answer truthfully; meanwhile, read her facial expressions).
If your new girlfriend is not really okay with that, wish her good luck and leave; if she is really okay with that, continue with your courtship.
May you find the good virgin wife that you seek. Now you should intensify your efforts in finding one, since you have reached The Big Thirty. But do not rush into marriage: always make sure that the woman has desirable qualities apart from being a virgin.
reality bites
Thursday, February 10, 2011 at 11:33 am
I just re-read this statement. A contradiction in terms?
QUOTE
I do hope and pray that (the woman I marry) is still a virgin.
/QUOTE
If virginity is important to you, why marry someone BEFORE discussing the requirement of virginity? If it’s important to you, discuss it BEFORE marriage. In fact, BEFORE courtship goes too far. Be tactful, but honest.
There is only pain in marrying a woman only to discover that she was not a virgin like you were expecting her to be. The retroactive jealousy would make your (and her) life a living hell (and realistically, it would never go away). So… Think before you act.
Reality Bites
Friday, February 11, 2011 at 11:29 pm
Look for another girl who is a virgin. Obviously you cannot handle a woman not being a virgin. That’s normal. I gotta say you’re amazing for being 30 and having waited for your future wife. I hope you find her soon! E-mail me if you want to talk, I would love to get to know you! danielleclover@rocketmail.com
Dee
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 12:38 am
Just so you know I’m also a virgin but I’m 24
Dee
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 12:39 am
Congratulations for your great willpower! 8)
And good luck in your search for your perfect soul mate. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, June 15, 2012 at 4:05 pm
I think the author of the blog is a non-virgin corrupt feminist.
What she is trying to say that if a woman who has sexual encounters before marriage, has no fault and if a man who was waiting for marriage to lose virginity rejects that non-virgin woman then he is insecure, has low self-esteem, he need to grow up!!!!!!!
What a great logic?
I can do nothing but laugh at the author.
I want to ask a question to the author that will she marry a gang-rapist? Will you give him your so called “POWER OF LOVE”? Don’t tell me you will.
I am a virgin and waited for years to get a shit. No way you non-virgin feminist.
I will rather marry a street prostitute than a non-virgin because there is not much difference between them.
In fact, street prostitutes are better than non-virgins because they won’t let touch their body without money, they have kept a certain price for their body but you non-virgin womans are free meal.
Royale Man
Friday, March 11, 2011 at 4:35 am
QUOTE
What she is trying to say that if a woman who has sexual encounters before marriage, has no fault and if a man who was waiting for marriage to lose virginity rejects that non-virgin woman then he is insecure, has low self-esteem, he need to grow up!!!!!!!
What a great logic?
I can do nothing but laugh at the author.
/QUOTE
Yeah, the sad truth is that many people are irrational. Many simply cannot reason.
When irrational people see that someone wants to stay virgin until marriage and/or wants a virgin spouse, irrational people often target him/her with personal attacks. It is their standard, factory-programmed response to something they cannot understand/bear and/or an expression of peer pressure.
Hazy words like “insecure” and “grow up” are their battle cry. But such words are ambiguous; they mean very little. There is no universal standard of “being secure” and “being mature”, nor an obligation to conform to such a standard as defined by the ignorant masses. Everyone has its own definition of “being secure” and “being mature”.
More importantly, just because one wants to stay virgin until marriage and/or wants a virgin spouse doesn’t mean that he/she is insecure or immature. There is no automatism.
In fact, staying virgin until marriage and wanting a virgin spouse are very wise choices, since it’s been proven that there are STRONG links between sexual promiscuity and divorce probabilities (because of neurological, chemical and psychological reasons).
In simple words, the more sexual partners one has, the higher the divorce probabilities if/when one later gets married.
Whether people like it or not.
Reality Bites
Monday, March 14, 2011 at 9:20 am
QUOTE
prostitutes are better than non-virgins because they won’t let touch their body without money, they have kept a certain price for their body but you non-virgin womans are free meal.
/QUOTE
Yeah, at least prostitutes get paid. Mind you, prostitution is bad but prostitutes may have more self-worth than “sexually liberated” people who do it for free.
Reality Bites
Monday, March 14, 2011 at 9:26 am
QUOTE
I think the author of the blog is a non-virgin corrupt feminist.
/QUOTE
I respect women in general but I have to say Feminism is one of the greatest evils in mankind’s history (yes, I respect good women AND am against feminism).
Feminism tried to establish an illogic automatism between “having sex” and “freedom”.
Concepts like “sexual freedom” (as intended by Feminism) and “right to orgasm” are the pinnacle of stupidity.
First of all, if we exclude cases where women are actually held captive somewhere at the mercy of slave traders or violent men, ALL other women have sexual freedom by default.
Unfortunately, many people cannot understand that HAVING something is one thing and that USING it is another thing. Just because we HAVE sexual freedom doesn’t mean that we should USE it.
Just because, say, “John Doe” has a gun doesn’t mean he has to use it… Likewise, though each one of us CAN have sex, this doesn’t mean that we should do it with just anyone (or at all).
So, women who believe they HAVE to have sex in order to be free are, in their own mind, more slave than the ones held captive by slave traders at gunpoint. Goethe once said, “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free”.
That said…
“Right to orgasm”? You filthy feminists, you don’t have ANY right over my body. Go buy yourself a vibrator. I’m staying virgin until marriage and only my wife will be able to enjoy the benefits of being with me.
Reality Bites
Monday, March 14, 2011 at 8:56 am
Prostitution is bad but prostitutes are better than non-virgins.
See my ranking-
1) Virgins – Best
2) Rape victims – Best (my thinking)
3) Prostitutes – Better
4) Non-virgins – Worst
I will definitely marry to (1) or (2), but suppose if only (3) & (4) option are available in whole world, then i will doubt whether to marry or not. But if i think of family making, then (3) have the little bit quality to become my marriage material because prostitutes do it due to “LACK” of money, and if i provide them their “LACK” then they will not do it.
And suppose if i have only (4) option in the whole world, then i will NEVER NEVER NEVER ever marry. I will like to spend my whole life single “HAPPY” man than to “SUFFER” my whole life with a non-virgin.
These Man-Insulter/Hater Feminists should first see their faces in the mirror. They should have a balanced approach rather than blindly raising voice against man without checking whether women is right or wrong.
Because not a single decent man will ever like to marry a “orgasm” oriented women, only jerks will approach you. So it is better to come out of your one way feminism nature, and if you can’t do that, then better live in your own Lesbian World.
We don’t need you and your feminism.
Royale Man
Monday, March 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm
I was wondering if it’s the same way for women. Should I wait to find a man that’s a virgin too? I’m 21 and a virgin but I feel as if I wait for a virgin man to marry I might stay alone forever. Not many men are virgins. At the same time I don’t want to marry and be unhappy like many of the men on here. Most guys are saying they are upset and dishonored because their wives aren’t virgins. So I guess my question is, do women feel this way as well when they marry non virgin men?
I also wanted to point out that reading these comments makes me feel really proud of myself for choosing to wait. If only I could meet someone like that in real life!
Anonymous
Friday, June 24, 2011 at 7:40 am
QUOTE
Should I wait to find a man that’s a virgin too?
/QUOTE
Most definitely. This chart summarizes everything:
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
The more premarital sex partners a man or woman has, the higher his/her divorce probabilities. Period.
Reality Bites
Friday, June 24, 2011 at 11:00 am
So, virginity until marriage is the best choice for people who plan to get married or end up marrying anyway.
This, and many more pro-virginity facts and logic arguments, you can read on:
http://www.everywomansblog.com/does-a-guy-mind-that-his-girlfriend-is-not-a-virgin/comment-page-5
(You can read the comments from Page 1 if you are curious and have much time to spare).
I started posting on Page 3, and not everyone liked it. Many do not believe that premarital sex does more harm than good!
A few insulted me, but when I started quoting the Ph.D.’s and MD’s the offenders disappeared and yet have to come back…
QUOTE
really proud of myself for choosing to wait. If only I could meet someone like that in real life!
/QUOTE
Way to go, girl! And may you find a worthy husband – a virgin with a good compatible personality. Good luck!
Reality Bites
Friday, June 24, 2011 at 11:03 am
I wanted to mention that much of the reason men cannot find virgin wives is because they tend to look for them in the wrong places and they want a woman who looks like a model. I’ve never been to a club or a bar but I’m a virgin. I go to church on Sundays and hang out at the college I go to. I’m an honor student and get straight As in college. I’m doing really well in school but I’ve never had a guy approach me because I’m very shy. I wish I did though. I’m a little overweight and I feel that most men don’t care to look at me that way because of that. Reading the posts here has made me feel great that I’m waiting but honestly I don’t see men acting this way in real life. I see men looking for women that disrespect themselves and want to sleep around. If guys wants virgins, then why don’t they look for them instead of sleeping around with non-virgins? It’s just really confusing to read these posts and then see how men act in real life.
Student Y
Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 8:32 am
Many men want a virgin woman but don’t stay virgin until marriage.
As a virgin man, I think that this is very sad behavior.
Avoid such hypocrites like the plague: they’d likely cheat on you at the first opportunity.
Reality Bites
Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Most men don’t want virgins. It seems like only virgin men want virgins because they want to hide the fact that they suck at sex. Most virgins are fat and ugly anyone, that’s why they’re virgins to begin with. No one wants a fat person.
Dave
Friday, July 1, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Wise men want virgin wives.
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
Many people aren’t wise, as they plan to end up in divorce court.
But they neither have a clue, nor do they have any intention to get one. Their blissful ignorance will likely be their downfall.
a116814@jnxjn.com
Sunday, July 3, 2011 at 5:42 pm
So would you rather have a somewhat overweight virgin than a beautiful woman that has had sex with only one person? I would choose the latter and I’m pretty sure all men would to! Fat people get no sympathy from me! Especially the women they need to take care of themselves. Sex is normal and actually healthy when it comes to adults. Fatness is not and no person who is fat deserves to be happy they need to excercise for real.
Dave
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 3:09 am
Yes, I prefer a woman 9 times less likely to breakup/divorce, thank you very much.
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu (more sex partners equals even higher divorce chances!)
Reality Bites
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 6:59 am
Sex is healthy? As long as you are not promiscuous.
There is “a significant correlation between sexual restraint and emotional well-being, between monogamy and happiness—and between promiscuity and depression”…
… Especially among women! “Which may help explain why overall female happiness has actually drifted downward since the sexual revolution…”
“The happiest women were those with a current sexual partner and ONLY ONE OR TWO PARTNERS IN THEIR LIFETIME. Virgins were almost as happy, though not quite, and then a young woman’s likelihood of depression rose steadily as her NUMBER OF PARTNERS climbed and the present STABILITY of her sex life diminished.”
– The New York Times, March 6, 2011.
Reality Bites
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 7:01 am
Sex is natural? Something “natural” may not always be “desirable”.
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/adnature.html
Reality Bites
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 7:05 am
No, I would rather have a thin and beautiful woman that knows how to please me in bed than a fat virgin. I think all men would! See that’s why you’re still alone because no one would ever want to be with you.
Dave
Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 10:57 pm
Untrue. While many slim people dislike fat people…
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/revealed-why-slim-people-dislike-the-overweight-459459.html
Overweight people can date overweight people. Like attracts like.
And though I am definitely not overweight, I can date a mildly overweight virgin woman – if she exercises and diets rigorously, as part of her effort to care for herself and to make me happy. Nobody is 100% ready for a relationship, everyone has to work hard at improving oneself.
I am not short-sighted, and can see what a person can become over time.
I am more concerned that the overweight condition may be a hint that the woman is lazy or would not care for her own health and for her future husband’s happiness.
Reality Bites
Sunday, July 3, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Let’s examine some hard data. In the good ol’ U.S.A.:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm
68% of people over age 20 weigh above normal. Almost seven out of ten!
So… What of those people? Are they doomed to not date anyone? I don’t think so.
Reality Bites
Sunday, July 3, 2011 at 6:24 pm
I would much rather grow old alone than to marry someone like you!
Student Y
Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at 4:40 am
dave. I don’t know what garbage you are spouting about. seriously, you need to fill your brain with thoughts other than sex.
I happen to be a virgin. many of my friends are virgins. we are not all fat/ugly. I don’t go out and meet guys actively but i do have men asking me out one time or another. same for my friends. so your argument doesn’t stand.
how does “being a virgin” = fat and ugly anyway? logic reasoning fail.
note though: sexy, virgin women like me, my friends and tons of women out there aren’t dying to sleep with a guy or marry a guy like you anytime soon. we have standards. the lesser women like the whores and non-virgins can have you. 😀
Evelyn
Monday, April 16, 2012 at 10:26 am
Youre right most men dont look at you b/c youre fat face it no guy wants to be with a fat girl. oh and your virginity doesn’t help either. When you do meet someone make sure to please him. Give him sex because your fat and ugly your chances are slim to none. Sex migt help you keep him for a litle while but don’t expect for him to marry you. I mean you can’t really expect any guy to want to marry a fat girl right? Look men like women that are beautiful and you cannot be beautyful by being fat. You need to learn how to sattisfy a man. Just go out and have sex, virginity is over rated and it seems like you’re only saving yourself for your husband. But since youre fat your never going to have one! So just get over it and have sex. It’s really not all that bad. reality bites has no idea whats he talking about dont listen to him
i now what its like and trust me men want women tsht know how to satisfy and woman that are skinny no chubs
Danielle
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 3:21 am
QUOTE
no guy wants to be with a fat girl
/QUOTE
68% of “over-20” Americans are overweight. Many of them are into relationships.
QUOTE
reality bites has no idea whats he talking about dont listen to him
/QUOTE
“Exercise, diet and stay virgin until marriage” is all I have to say to her.
Scientific studies proved the links between promiscuity and divorce. So staying virgin until marriage is only wise. Don’t call someone ignorant only because YOU do not read.
Reality Bites
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 7:52 am
Do men that seek virgins look for women that look good? I mean I’m not saying I don’t look good but as I have stated earlier I’m on the chunky side and well my self – esteem is not at its highest. I was just wondering if you guys that are commenting on how badly you would want a virgin to marry, are willing to look at inner beauty too?
Student Y
Tuesday, June 28, 2011 at 6:35 am
Without inner beauty, even a beautiful woman would be an empty shell. That said, men tend to prefer good-looking women, who since the dawn of time are considered (rightly or wrongly) possessing desirable genes for the perpetuation of the human species.
A woman deliberately keeping her virginity for her husband already has part of what we call “inner beauty”. Virginity is required, but is not enough in itself.
The prospective wife must not be lazy; she must be willing to do her part in a household. And she must care for the health and well-being of herself and her husband.
All this means, among other things, that she has to be willing to get/stay in good shape, which includes the willingness to get slimmer (ie. exercising and dieting). I exercise and diet myself, and a woman can certainly do the same compatibly with her own general health condition. Down with couch potatoes! 8)
Regarding self-esteem: it is very important, you have to work to increase that. Avoid associating with people that bring you down. If you feel you are overweight, exercise and diet for yourself (seek expert advice first) instead of doing it for someone else. Repeat, you are doing it for your own benefit and NOT to get admired by people!
Take care of your own body and, as your aspect improves, you’ll feel better. And believe me, men will perceive that – which will also increase your self-esteem!
Good luck!
a116814@jnxjn.com
Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Student Y youre right most men dont look at you b/c youre fat face it no guy wants to be with a fat girl. oh and your virginity doesn’t help either. When you do meet someone make sure to please him. Give him sex because your fat and ugly your chances are slim to none. Sex migt help you keep him for a litle while but don’t expect for him to marry you. I mean you can’t really expect any guy to want to marry a fat girl right? Look men like women that are beautiful and you cannot be beautyful by being fat. You need to learn how to sattisfy a man. Just go out and have sex, virginity is over rated and it seems like you’re only saving yourself for your husband. But since youre fat your never going to have one! So just get over it and have sex. It’s really not all that bad. reality bites has no idea whats he talking about dont listen to him
i now what its like and trust me men want women tsht know how to satisfy and woman that are skinny no chubs
Reality bites needs to grow up!
Danielle
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 7:29 am
You need an education.
Reality Bites
Monday, July 4, 2011 at 7:54 am
I agree with you, she definitely needs an education. Honestly what is this girls’ problem? I’m not even that fat to begin with I’m just a little overweight. In all honesty I would rather be overweight and a virgin than to be a stupid skinny sperm bucket! I’ve heard that sex at a young age can cause someone to stunt their academic growth. It seems as if this is exactly what is happening!
Student Y
Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at 4:39 am
Finger, Thelen, Vessey, Mohn and Mann (2005)
“Men and women who were virgins at age 18, when evaluated approximately 20 years later, had about half the risk of divorce, had completed about an additional year of education and had annual incomes nearly 20 percent higher than those who were not virgins at 18.”
http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/archive/ldn/2005/may/05050607
Reality Bites
Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at 6:12 am
Yup. She needs an education. She sounds like she grew up in a jungle with no access to books. Which explains her uneducated garbage there. Either that, or she’s a non-virgin – most of them tend to speak like that.
Danielle, take note: you might look like Miss Universe or whatever. But just judging from the things you have written here, no man with self-respect would want to be with you. Those on the lower rungs of social hierarchy would. But those looking for self-respect in a woman, virginity, brains etc wouldn’t go for the likes of you. The earlier you know that, the better it would be for you. At least it still gives you time to get educated.
@student Y: don’t listen to her or other people who try to put you down. you sound like a nice person. just keep up with the good grades at college, maybe incorporate some exercise if u can into your lifestyle and just be patient. the nice, virgin man is out there and you might meet him at a rather unexpected time! 😀
Evelyn
Monday, April 16, 2012 at 10:36 am
Hey guys, I have a question. I’m a virgin but my guy isn’t. If I have sex with him, because I think we’re going to get married someday, would he still respect me? Will he still cherish me for giving him my virginity? I know I will be having sex with him but it would be my virginity that I would be giving him so do you think that he would love me more for that? I’m just wondering because my plan was to wait for marriage (we’re both Christians) but lately I feel like I want to have sex with him. I feel ready and he does too. Does anything change when two people have sex? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!
Also do men cherish a woman more when she has sex with him after they are married or it doesn’t matter if she has sex with him before and then they get married?
Tina
Tuesday, August 2, 2011 at 8:13 pm
I was just going out, I’ll reply when I come back, and then only after some reading and pondering. 🙂 Stay tuned…
Reality Bites
Wednesday, August 3, 2011 at 10:19 pm
You’ve got strong feelings for this guy. He looks perfect and you can’t wait to get intimate with him.
Don’t. Not yet.
QUOTE
I think we’re going to get married someday. I know I will be having sex with him.
/QUOTE
So you strongly feel he’s The One you must marry. You feel destined to!
However, PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and LOVE are two different things.
How can you be sure it’s LOVE and not simply PHYSICAL ATTRACTION (infatuation)?
Keep in mind that: physical attraction clouds judgement, but the consequences of sex are real and “may” last a lifetime.
Bottom line: think long and hard before having sex! Choose your sexual partner wisely!
QUOTE
If I have sex with him … would he still respect me? Will he still cherish me for giving him my virginity? Do you think that he would love me more for that?
/QUOTE
If you “give it up” too soon, some people will interpret this as being “easy” and leave you!
If you “give it up” too late, some people will get tired of waiting and leave you!
Here’s a quick market analysis.
Some people require nonvirgins; some prefer nonvirgins; some are indifferent; some prefer virgins; some require virgins.
Would your current boyfriend respect and cherish you for giving him your virginity? It partly depends on which “market segment” he belongs to, and partly on the moment this happens.
Reality Bites
Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 7:35 am
My advice?
If you want your future marriage to last for a lifetime, STAY VIRGIN UNTIL MARRIAGE. Here’s a PARTIAL list of reasons…
1. You’ll filter out the scum: sex-seekers, serial devirginizers, immature and impatient people (who’d make your life a living hell).
Which is good, since they’d have cheated on you and left you at the first signs of difficulty. And yes, many will TAKE rather than GIVE in sex.
2. You’ll also filter out people who simply aren’t right for you. People with incompatible personalities. Even if you FEEL he’s right, is him?
Can you see reality clearly? Or infatuation is making you ignore many defects? Remember that very few people have the ability to change for
the better. Only time and lucidity will allow you to see a man’s true colors. And Nature’s infatuation trick prevents us from seeing objectively!
If at some point you discover he’s Mr. Wrong, why should you stay with him? But sex makes breakup MUCH harder – and precious months or years are lost! Time you could have spent with your REAL soul mate.
QUOTE
Does anything change when two people have sex?
/QUOTE
3. The oxytocin mechanism (indispensable for forming a lasting romantic bond to a person) is crippled by promiscuity. Read about oxytocin and its importance.
In a nutshell, sex can immensely bond two people, but the more people you have sex with and the more this mechanism will be crippled.
4. The more sexual partners one has, the higher the divorce probabilities. Numerous scientific studies ALL point to such results. See this synthesis chart:
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
Bottom line, just one premarital sexual partner increases divorce probabilities 9 times for the female and 15 times for the male. More partners make things ever worse.
5. He/she who enjoys premarital sex will also enjoy extramarital sex. And once the habit/ability to have extramarital sex is learned, it CANNOT be unlearned.
In other words, premarital sex is merely a form of extramarital sex – and premarital sex makes cheating MUCH more likely. A 2005 MIT study explains why pleasant habits are hard to lose (eg. EXTRAMARITAL SEX).
6. If you break up, your future husband WILL forever HAVE to best your ex’s sexual skills or you’ll be unsatisfied. Goodbye heavenly bliss, welcome Berlin Wall hell!
7. Since you’re both Christians, premarital sex is against your chosen belief system. Partaking in that forbidden activity will bring much long-lasting guilt. And the Bible says that fornicators and adulterers will be cast into the “lake of fire”.
QUOTE
do men cherish a woman more when she has sex with him after they are married
/QUOTE
I certainly do, especially since I’ve read and pondered much on the importance of virginity (especially from a scientific point of view). I’m a virgin myself.
QUOTE
or it doesn’t matter if she has sex with him before and then they get married?
/QUOTE
Promiscuity harms marriages whether people acknowledge this or not. Such is the nature of Reality – it doesn’t care whether people acknowledge its existence or not.
So would you rather listen to ignorants who say premarital sex is harmless – or to scientists who say premarital sex does more harm than good?
That’s all for now… Hope this helped. Apologies if I some remarks appear harsh or rude, this was not my intention. Plainly put, reality is harsh. It bites. :E
Reality Bites
Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 8:02 am
One more comment on this statement…
QUOTE
(does it matter) if she has sex with him before and then they get married?
/QUOTE
The “premarital sex with future husband” strategy is risky. You don’t know if he’ll be your husband, until the marriage is celebrated.
Sex may prolong a bad relationship by delaying a breakup; but if at some point you discover it’s the wrong relationship, why prolong it?
Just marry the RIGHT person first, and only THEN use sex to deepen your relationship. With the RIGHT person – your husband! 🙂 Don’t bond with the wrong person.
Hopefully your current boyfriend will be Mr. Right – but if he turns out to be Mr. Wrong, be willing to readily wave him a “civilized goodbye” in the interest of both.
Reality Bites
Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 8:33 am
Do guys respect a woman more that dresses modestly? Lets say there’s a lady who’s a virgin but wears very revealing clothing, would you still respect her? What if there’s a virgin who dresses modestly, would you respect her more than the first one? Or does dress not matter? I was talking to a friend about this (he’s 18) and he told me that dress doesn’t matter as long as she’s a virgin. I have always found that it does but I wanted to see what you guys think.
Denise
Monday, August 8, 2011 at 7:37 am
A person who lacks modesty sends sexual messages to his/her surroundings, either wittingly or unwittingly.
Sooner or later, an immodest virgin will lose his/her virginity, given the right set of environmental circumstances. He/she may be currently a virgin, but for how long?
And an immodest husband or wife has an increased risk of cheating, because of the sexual messages he/she sends.
So yes, modesty is very important. Lack of modesty in a person is a red flag. I respect modest women much more than immodest ones.
Reality Bites
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 4:14 pm
How would you dress for an interview? – because if you’re interested in a relationship, you’re always wearing interview clothing when you’re out in public. We all judge people by the way they dress and act. If you’re looking for a good man, always dress and act in a way that shows that you are a high quality woman.
A virgin that dressed immodestly does not appear to be one – and will be judged and treated accordingly.
unbroken
Thursday, August 11, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Whoa, long time no post. Hope you’re all doing fine and wish you a (belated) Happy New Year 2012… And let’s hope the Mayas were wrong. 8)
Reality Bites
Tuesday, January 24, 2012 at 8:11 am
You know thus considerably when it comes to this topic, made me for my part consider it from so many varied angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be fascinated except it is one thing to do with Woman gaga! Your individual stuffs outstanding. At all times deal with it up!
Teen Masturbation Porn
Monday, January 30, 2012 at 6:37 pm
I just found out my girlfriend, is not a virgin and i’m so pissed about it. i cant even bear looking at her anymore, she told me she had sex with three other men before me, Mind you, she is a christian.. Right now i basically hate her, i feel so robbed, i was actually planning on marrying her.. I’m glad to see other men who feel this way, i never thought i would ever feel this way about her because i really love her.. I dont know if i can ever see her the same anymore, i dont even want her to touch me
Anonymous
Saturday, March 3, 2012 at 9:52 am
Hi Anonymous, I understand how you feel.
Many don’t understand that it is perfectly natural to feel jealousy. It’s part of our nature, part of our built-in human hardware; and no one should ever feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty) because he/she desires or requires lifetime sexual exclusivity.
If only people had a clue that “sexual freedom” has a high price tag. Promiscuity, studies show, drastically reduce the chances that a marriage will survive and succeed.
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
There is a fantasy running rampant, that one can “have it all”, that one can “have the cake and eat it too”. That one can be promiscuous and have a successful lifetime marriage or long term relationship.
Truth is, the past influences the future… And many understand this only when they try to get intimate with their spouse or longterm significant other. The more sexual partners one has, the more difficult it will be for the other to shine in bed and ultimately get close to their heart.
Reality Bites
Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 9:59 am
Right…
The website http://www.everywomansblog.com seems gone (domain name paid until 18 Sep 2012, but I suppose the webhosting has not been paid).
Moreover, in the last few weeks that website seemed to be hijacked (probably from Central Asia) by ruthless spam bots. I guess its days were over.
So…
Anyone wanting to talk about virginity, and especially about virginity until marriage, may do so here.
reality bites
Friday, March 30, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Typo: Expiry date is 2 Sep 2012… But said website’s dead anyway.
reality bites
Friday, March 30, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Odd. That website’s online again (minus the spam bots and Russian domain hijackers). Go figure… Guess some maintenance took place to get rid of all malware that idiots threw at that site.
reality bites
Friday, April 6, 2012 at 10:02 am
Hi realitybites! i migrated from everywomansblog 🙂
Evelyn
Monday, April 16, 2012 at 10:43 am
Hi Evelyn, and welcome! 🙂
I’ll also post on the old blog until it closes down, but before it does I’ll save the significant stuff and probably repost it here. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, April 19, 2012 at 2:51 pm
I’m seeing this woman I’m not a virgin and she’s was. We had sex but I feel to bad about it now. I wanted to marry her before we had sex but now I don’t. I feel like if she had sex with me, what makes me think that she won’t do it with another guy? Before premarital sex we were so intimate and now all we do is have sex. Sex ruined our relationship and I hate to say this but I don’t even respect her anymore. All I see when I see her is a piece of meat. I know this is wrong but I’m hoping one you guys could help me…thanks!
Chris
Monday, May 28, 2012 at 11:19 am
Hi Chris, and welcome. I’ll reply as soon as I can.
You took her virginity but you weren’t a virgin when you did it? Have I understood the situation correctly?
Also, you can post more details if you want. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 12:49 am
Yes, she was a virgin and I was not. I had already given myself to God, however and asked for forgiveness. I was with the church for about two years. When I first started going I met her and I wanted to concentrate on Christ but it got so hard and I began putting God second after her. We often break up but I think we’re meant to be together because we always get back together. I just feel bad because I feel like our intimacy has been stunned since we started having sex. I kept asking her go to church with me and she never did. Now I feel unworthy of attending so I don’t go. I haven’t gone for about a year now and I feel to empty. I feel sad because I want to go back but I want to stop having sex and I can’t! I feel like having sex with her has just messed up our relationship because before I would respect her and I thought she was a sweet, classy and Christian lady. Now I feel like all she ever wants to do is shop, have sex and take away my money.
Can sex change a woman? Like can sex make an innocent girl get more out there. See before she would always stay at home and do sweet ladylike things like read or knit. Now she has started going out with friends, shopping like crazy and drinking.
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
Chris
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 10:38 am
Hi again Chris,
I see religious and intimacy issues; let’s address them separately.
First, the religious issue. It is more complex and potent.
If you are Christian and want God’s approval, you must first understand WHICH Church is the right one. Most “churches” today are in cahoots with Satan, and their top leaders know it!
Such shiny “churches” attract people, rob them of their money with a smile and kindly point them towards Hell. And whether Hell means eternal torture or simply eternal destruction, things don’t look well for their followers, as the Bible dooms most “christian” churches since they tell people to do the OPPOSITE of what Jesus commanded!
So, don’t worry if you or that lady don’t go to church: there is an EXTREMELY good chance that it wasn’t the right church. On Judgement Day, the Lord will treat you better than if you kept going!
That should have lifted an extremely heavy weight off your shoulders.
Now, how to find the RIGHT Church? The one where all TRUE Christians go? Here’s the secret…
It’s not a place to go to! Instead, the true Church is the worldwide scattered group of people who follow God’s commandments. People who do, rather than blab.
So, stop thinking of tall buildings painted in white and costly black suits: Jesus is not there! He absolutely abhors such places, He was the son of a humble carpenter, and certainly didn’t dress Armani!
To be a Christian, don’t go to a churchly building; rather, read the Bible (starting with the New Testament) to understand what God desires from you, and start doing it. Simple example: one can stop using swearwords if (s)he uses them. Easy. Congratulations, you have become a more observant Christian, closer to Jesus and to God, and IT DIDN’T COST YOU ANY MONEY! 🙂
If you make a mistake, sincerely ask for God’s forgiveness and retry as many times as needed: He understands the weakness, and He’ll cleanse your sin completely as soon as you finish praying (maybe even before; all you have to do is, just ask) and try again.
So, stop putting emphasis on a building; don’t ask “which church do you go to?”. Rather, find people who observe God’s commandments; find TRUE Christians: people who are kind and not rude, humble and not pompous, loving and not hateful. And at a certain point (but not out of the blue or too early), you may ask a potential soul mate if she believes in God and Jesus: like attracts like. Religious unity is a good start in a couple.
The religious issue has been addressed. More about the intimacy issue in my next post. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 3:13 pm
Phew, what a day.
Chris, I’ll comment about your relationship after a few hours of sleep. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 2:38 am
Sex changes people’s lives. So it is important that sex is kept only within marriage, when two people have ALREADY strongly chosen and solemnly vowed mutual lifetime faithfulness to each other, otherwise bad sexual habits can and will be developed.
Promiscuity considerably reduces the success probabilities of a marriage, as you can see in this graph:
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
If you ask me, judging from her behavior I believe that this woman has already had sex with multiple men… And liked it. Because of this, she most likely won’t be “marriage material” ever again. She’s probably promiscuous now, and will likely stay that way all her life, I’m afraid. Bad habits are very difficult to get rid of. She’s not the one you used to know anymore.
Plus, she rejects God and Christ; sex, shopping and alcohol are her surrogate “gods” so this materialistic person is not The One for a Christ believer like you. I’m sorry.
So here’s why you should leave her NOW, no matter what she says:
1. She’s likely become promiscuous, and people with a promiscuous past will always struggle very much to stay faithful (no matter what promiscuous people say). That is, if they want to be faithful.
2. You don’t want a wife unable to control herself. According to scientists, people unable to delay gratification (which includes sexual gratification) have little chances of becoming important or wealthy. Compulsive shoppers can’t be good finance managers.
3. She’s a drain for your finances and she’s exploiting you (and your body).
4. You’ll never be able to respect her again, because she’s become a completely different (worse) person and is likely going to stay like that all her life. Respect is everything in a marriage.
Bottom line:
Think of some kind excuse for breaking up, avoid her at all costs, throw or give away all that remembers you of her and find another attractive woman to court – this time a Jesus-believing woman for marriage purposes. Over time, the attraction you feel for your ex will fade, and you’ll only think of the new woman. It’s just the way it works.
And you should STOP HAVING SEX until marriage. Otherwise the problem won’t be solved. Ask God for help. You can make it. Get married to the right woman (a carefully-chosen believer), and you’ll have love AND plenty of good sex.
Hopefully I’ve brought some clarity on the above issues. Good luck in finding your perfect soul mate. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Hi again Chris, I forgot to say…
Feel free to share your thoughts. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I guess I understand what you’re saying but it’s hard. I mean I’ve been with this girl for three years! I love her and I hope she loves me. Although sometimes I do doubt it. How can I tell if she’s sleeping around? Also if I leave her I’m afraid I won’t find a girl that would love me because I’m not a virgin myself.
I just wish I had a virgin and waited till marriage. But like you say since I’m sexually active I’m afraid I won’t be able to restrain myself.
Also any tips on how to find a good girl who doesn’t drink or have premarital sex? It just seems like those are impossible to find 😦
Chris
Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 9:27 am
St. Paul said that not everyone had the gift of continence. People who don’t have such gift should marry, perhaps past 20 years of age.
The woman you talked about may be sleeping around because she seems to have an extrovert AND reckless lifestyle; compulsive shopping, alcohol drinking, excessive socialization and can’t restrain herself. Besides, do you believe that she abstained from sex when you two were in those “breakup” periods? And that she’d not have sex with her interlude guy(s) once she came back to you? I don’t believe so.
Plus, as I said, she doesn’t seem to believe in God and Christ, so you’ll be happier with another woman (this time a believer).
Read towards the end of this blog page to find some tips about how to find virgins.
http://www.everywomansblog.com/does-a-guy-mind-that-his-girlfriend-is-not-a-virgin/comment-page-6
You can also visit previous comment pages by changing “6” with the page number that you want to visit.
reality bites
Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Start by visiting libraries and other intellectual-oriented places. Higher IQ women are more likely to be virgins. That said, do visit the above mentioned blog.
reality bites
Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Hello everyone I just had a few questions from reading all the comments in here. I’m a virgin, never had sex before, but I have had oral. Does that count? Am I still a virgin? Also if I’m not then is there no point in me staying celibate?
I’m feeling guilty about the oral because it was with one guy that I really thought I loved at the time. I’m so happy it didn’t go further. He tried having sex but I told him I wasn’t ready and he dumped me right then and there!
Brianna
Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 9:52 am
You are a “biological virgin” since you’ve not allowed any man to perform the act of copulation on you. That is good, since P-V premarital intercourse greatly reduces the chances that a marriage will be successful.
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
Regarding oral sex, unfortunately, the past cannot be changed but you can change your perception of it. You were pressured by a sexual exploiter and didn’t know what to do. This situation is quite common. So don’t feel guilty, you simply ignored that it was wrong and were the victim of sexual pressures of a sexual predator.
Despite the oral sex (which I call “heavy sexual play” and from a biological point of view is a form of foreplay ritual that precedes copulation), you are still a “biological virgin” (vagina never penetrated) so you’ll still be valued more than nonvirgins.
Maybe a man with only one previous sexual partner at most and that cherishes marriage may be right for you. But make sure that you both accept each others’ sexual history.
reality bites
Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Is it true that men prefer virgin girls? I’ve always heard the opposite is true. I’m a virgin and guys are always ignoring me and my only boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I want to wait for marriage but I feel so lonely at times. What should I do? I’m 20 by the way and in college. So you can imagine that it’s hard and without support from my peers it is even harder. Even the girls say that guys don’t like virgins!
Victoria
Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at 6:38 am
Guys like women with experience.
Dora Girl
Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Not all guys. Quite a few would be happy to find a virgin.
reality bites
Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at 11:57 pm
Unfortunately, many men are stupid and only want to relieve themselves.
I am certain that you don’t want that kind of man, and that you’re not that kind of girl.
Don’t get into a relationship just because you feel lonely.
If we adopt a ‘needy’ mindset, this only generates unhappiness.
Instead, think: I would LIKE a soul mate, but don’t NEED him.
When this new, positive point of view is adopted, your perspective changes. You learn to appreciate your ‘alone’ status as simply another way of living, another way of being, not negative in itself.
Remember, it’s better being alone than in bad company. Do not desire a relationship with people who can’t control their sexual urges.
Premarital/extramarital sexual activity, no matter how it’s called, skyrockets divorce/breakup probabilities; remember that when you are tempted to date a nonvirgin.
reality bites
Wednesday, June 6, 2012 at 12:29 am
OMG I totally get what you all are saying! My friend, were both 16 and she has sex all the time. She’s had sex with like 5 different gusy alreasy! I’m going to wait for someone I love maybe marriage but at least someone I love. Sometimes its hard because sex is everywhere! But I want to wait. I see my friend struggle, she wants guys attention all the time and feels that if they don’t have sex with her then something is wrong. Her self-esteem is low and she’s always depressed. Once she even told me she wanted to kill herself because she was so sad that she wasn’t a virgin and one guy called her used. Just a few days ago she met a guy online, went on a date, had sex with him and he never called her again! I feel so bad for her! Is there any advice on how to keep your virginity? I’m only 16 and it’s super hard to keep it! But I hope i will.
Anonymous
Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 8:31 am
I feel bad for your friend. Hopefully she’ll stop being promiscuous and understand that premarital sex does more harm than good.
Congratulations on wanting to stay virgin longer than your peers.
Advice, you say? Here’s what I have to say.
Read this blog:
http://www.everywomansblog.com/does-a-guy-mind-that-his-girlfriend-is-not-a-virgin/comment-page-5
(Many sex/virginity studies quoted, proving premarital sex is harmful. Replace “5” with other page numbers if you want to read everything).
Once you’ve convinced yourself that premarital sex is harmful, swear to yourself that you’ll stay virgin until marriage.
Cultivate your Willpower. Remember, people who delay (sexual) gratification will have more success in life; scientists proved it.
Stay away from all forms of pornography (movies, magazines, etc.) which encourage premarital and extramarital sex; they increase one’s sexual drive making things so much more difficult.
Don’t allow anyone to touch you, as even 20 fleeting seconds of physical contact can stimulate your oxytocin response making a woman “love” (feel attracted to) a man. Believe it or not.
Stay away from promiscuous people and from people who belittle you for being better than them; ruthlessly exclude them from your life, forever. You don’t need those morons; their life will be full of strife and drama, and you know it. Stay away from them, and prosper. 🙂
Finally, take personal responsibility for your actions; remember that only you can fight your own battle, and that it can take but one mistake to ruin an entire lifetime, lethal diseases or not.
Save your intimacy for your future spouse and you’ll be proud of yourself and of how YOU, not your sexual urges, control your body. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm
My daughter wants to try out to be a cheerleader. I’ve had her in gymnastics but lately I feel uncomfortable with the idea of being a cheerleader. Isn’t the point in cheerleading to show off? High school cheer uniforms are getting more and more revealing! I’m afraid that she would be compromising her purity by wearing such revealing outfits. What should I do? Am I over reacting or is this a serious concern? She’s only 14 and I’ve raised her to wait till marriage, but I’m afraid cheerleading will cause impurity. I’m asking you guys because I see a lot of men really say how they feel and it would be great to get some input. Thanks!
Gloria
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 10:36 am
Hi Gloria,
Yours is a serious and legitimate concern.
The more revealing the school cheer uniform is, the more sexual attention your daughter will attract, the more likely it will be that she loses her virginity before marriage.
You should tactfully discourage her idea of becoming a cheerleader, or at least suggest her some alternate gymnastic/athletic activities that will keep her busy while allowing her to dress with modesty and keep her purity more easily.
But DON’T make her understand you do this to protect her purity. Just try to stealthily find her more modest/safer, time-consuming activities that she may like better than cheerleading. With some luck, over time she may drop the cheerleading idea. Adolescents are rebels but they can change idea often. 🙂
Maybe female running or female tennis would be good for her. Or anyway, female sports where your daughter would be surrounded by girls who will divert much of the boys’ attention away from her. Also, sports where there is competition are good, so your daughter is too busy trying to best her peers instead of looking for boys.
reality bites
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm
All that said…
It’s very good that you taught your daughter that purity is important. However, she must also be taught WHY it is important. Religion alone may not be enough. Prove to her that premarital sex would ruin her life, by quoting scientific studies.
For example: (quoted from Every Woman’s Blog)
Kahn and London (1991)
“Women who are sexually active prior to marriage faced considerably higher risk of marital disruption than women who were virgin brides.”
Laumann, Gagnon, Michael and Michaels (1994)
– “For both genders, we find that virgins have dramatically more stable first marriages.”
– “The finding confirms the results reported by Kahn and London…those who are virgins at marriage have much lower rates of separation and divorce.”
– “Those who marry as non-virgins are also more likely – all other things being equal – to be unfaithful over the remainder of their life compared with those spouses who do marry as virgins.”
Heaton (2002)
“Dissolution rates are substantially higher among those who initiate sexual activity before marriage.”
Teachman (2003)
“Women with more than one intimate relationship prior to marriage have an elevated risk of marital disruption.”
Paik (2011)
“Research shows that adolescent sexuality/premarital sex is associated with marital dissolution.”
Tell your daughter that everything is trade-off – that choosing the easy path now (premarital sex) would ruin her future intimacy with her future husband, and that this is very real as numbers show. There is no free lunch; a poor choice today will cause trouble tomorrow.
There are numerous scientific studies that prove premarital sex is bad. Maybe one day I’ll make a complete list and post it on blogs like this one. 🙂
Anyway, never ever forget this graph.
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
Any comments, just write a line. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Thank you reality bites. I will comment on the info you just gave me soon but I wanted you to see this video. It’s pretty ridiculous! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-ibeeJ-xvY&feature=relmfu
Gloria
Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 11:22 pm
ridiculous in the sense that the woman speaking tells other girls to not tell their partners how many sexual partners they have had! What a bad idea!
Gloria
Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 11:24 pm
Hi Gloria,
Yes, what a rather ridiculous movie that is. Replete with “pretzel logic” (fallacious thinking) out of thin air. One thing that REALLY gets on my nerves is circular reasoning. For example…
“If you like the person for who they are, it shouldn’t matter how many people they’ve slept with”? What a bunch of nonsense, since “how many people they’ve slept with” is part of “who they are”.
I’ve seen other “The Young Turks” movies talking about sex, and I’ve found so many fallacies in their thinking that I could write pages and pages of logic rebuttals to just one of them.
Having premarital sex should be considered okay because the majority has it? Please, give us a break.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argumentum_ad_populum
reality bites
Sunday, June 17, 2012 at 7:31 am
QUOTE
the woman speaking tells other girls to not tell their partners how many sexual partners they have had! What a bad idea!
/QUOTE
I also agree that it’s a very bad idea to not disclose one’s sexual past or to lie about it to a prospective soul mate.
A relationship based on secrets (information denial to keep one in ignorance) and lies (deceit as part of an information warfare) is somewhat similar to a relationship based on ignorance or rape. Such a relationship is NOT based on honesty, so it cannot last and often ends abruptly with a loud bang, bringing destruction and sorrow to all involved.
I also find it ironic that many people who support free speech about sex also often recommend to NOT say how many sexual partners they’ve had. Freedom of speech about sex, but not freedom of speech about the number of sexual partners? Quite hypocritical behavior, perhaps a form of Orwellian “doublethink”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doublethink
“…to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them… The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them…”
(George Orwell, “1984”)
reality bites
Sunday, June 17, 2012 at 7:56 am
I’m a virgin at 19. I feel pretty good about it but I want to ask do you guys think that cheerleading is really that bad? I did dance team in high school and I want to try out to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader someday. As long as I stay a virgin it shouldn’t be bad right? Also do you think that dressing immodestly would be wrong if a woman were to be a virgin?
Dancestar
Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 10:06 am
Cheerleading is not bad in itself, but as Gloria said cheerleading uniforms are getting more and more revealing.
If you dress immodestly (ie. if you show too much of your body), you’ll attract more sexual attention from the boys, and sooner or later you’ll meet a boy that you are really attracted to, and in a moment of weakness you may allow him to fondle you, and surely your virginity will be as good as gone.
Long story short, I congratulate you for still being a virgin, but if you want to stay one you HAVE to dress with modesty. Alas, this means that you should renounce the idea of cheerleading.
Don’t put yourself in situations where you could lose your virginity, it takes but one mistake to ruin a lifetime as the above quoted scientists proved (among others). Think of your future husband.
We humans must not overestimate our own strength, instead we should flee away from risky situations before they happen. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 2:28 am
My only argument for this is love God and others and not be worried about yourself. Where would be if He hadn’t of come? He dirtied Himself, so that we could become clean. Pray for His love to touch all of you. I’m His and He is mine. 😉
Robes of white
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 3:10 am
But if I remained a virgin there shouldn’t be anything wrong with wearing immodest clothing right? Like the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, what do you think about them? Would you want one of them as a girlfriend? A wife? Even if she was a virgin, would you be OK if she was dressed like that?
Dancestar
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 9:49 am
What I think about DCC? Beautiful women, but as much as I love watching good-looking female bodies I would never date such women, let alone marry one. Virgin or not. And if I were married, I don’t think that my wife would be happy if I was surrounded by such women.
A woman who loves dressing immodestly ignorantly and recklessly attracts hordes of sexual stalkers, making sexual faithfulness so much more difficult to protect. Allow to be more clear: a woman who loves dressing immodestly more than me will never be my wife.
reality bites
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm
After carefully re-reading my last post, I apologize. I did not mean any offense; I wrote “ignorantly” as in “unwittingly” or “unconsciously”, and I was speaking in general, not of a specific woman in particular.
Anyway I’m sure you understand that how you dress can and does influence your probabilities of staying a virgin until marriage.
reality bites
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 at 10:57 pm
QUOTE
a woman who loves dressing immodestly more than me will never be my wife.
/QUOTE
Argh. I meant… A woman who loves dressing immodestly more than she loves me will never be my wife.
Where is the edit button when I need one… 😦
Note to self: sleep more. 8)
reality bites
Friday, June 22, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Anyway, did I mention that I dislike women who dress immodestly? 😀
-4 starting score. Much less if the woman isn’t beautiful. :E
Any average-looking woman can attract attention by uncovering more flesh, whereas it is hard to develop and manifest an interesting, magnetic personality.
reality bites
Friday, June 22, 2012 at 6:34 pm
hey it’s me again…I get what you’re saying but it doesn’t make sense. Why then do the girls that are dressed immodestly get much more attention. They have the most dates, get married and other men always want them. If I dressed more modest it would be hard to find a husband don’t you think?
Dancestar
Friday, June 22, 2012 at 11:17 pm
Of course dressing immodestly would get you more dates and make you “more competitive” on the dating market. But remember:
The answer lies in quality. Ask yourself: whom do you want to attract? Who is your target market?
Do you want to date skirt-chasing drooling idiots who can’t keep it in their pants and for whom you’re just as good as the next one… Or do you want a man who appreciates you for your personality and spiritual side? The answer seems obvious to me.
Also ask yourself: how many of the immodestly-dressing women who get married later get divorced because they attracted (and were attracted to) the wrong man? How many women cannot finish what they started? Too many to count.
If you ignore my advice and decide to dress immodestly to attract more men, you’ll struggle more to stay a virgin and will have to remember that many men whom you’ll attract this way will not be right for you.
Anyway I believe that you should aim for a virgin husband that values a virgin woman and has above-average intelligence. Anything less will likely disappoint you.
reality bites
Saturday, June 23, 2012 at 5:33 am
Hello
Thats a good way to insult virgins …;)
I m a virgin in my early 20+ and I m a guy
I hatepeople say that sex is just for pleasure ,I lost my virginity because I was in love ( where is ur love now then , why don’t u married then ) ,due to some circumstances we can’t marry ( and they will give stupid excuses ) ,we are animals and animals have more sex partners ( animals also kill and eat eachother , so should we also do it ,btw why u compare urself with animals )
To me a virgin male or female has strong character ,self control ,true feeling of love for their future partner ,I never had sex not because I didn’t got the opportunitys but I don’t want to handle down my body and soul to anyone , I will give it to someone special ,my wife and I want a virgin wife because i would know that I m her only soul mate , she is not emotionally attached to someone else , she can control herself ,sex is not her main motive in life , if she non virgin , just thinking of someone else intimacy with her , using her hurts me ,
Everyone has their own opinion in life , but we should not think virginity as burden but a fruit , most of people are against virgins because they themselves have lost it
dude
Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Well said, my friend!
May you soon find a good virgin woman to marry. 🙂
(And good luck to every virgin reading this, of course!)
reality bites
Monday, July 30, 2012 at 7:45 am
Do you recommend any places to find virgin boys? I’m a virgin girl and find this to be difficult. Have you met any virgin girls yourself? It’s hard, right?
Stephanie
Wednesday, October 10, 2012 at 4:11 am
Hi Stephanie,
I’m a virgin man myself and yes, it’s hard to find virgin women today.
However, it’s not impossible.
There are several layers of problems that we face.
1. People have sex. Once they do, they lose virginity forever and we virgin-seekers must find someone else to court. Who’s virgin today may not be a virgin next month, and so any virginity confessions we may have heard from our romantic interest could sadly just have become outdated.
2. People are ignorant. They see few benefits in staying virgin until marriage; Science disagrees with them, but they are happy to stay ignorant.
3. People are programmable. Mass media ridicule virginity until marriage and sexual faithfulness; as a result, relationships and families are destroyed before they are even formed.
4. People lack willpower. They want ALL and NOW! Without thinking of the consequences.
5. People often lie. They often aren’t what they pretend to be.
(Continues…)
reality bites
Tuesday, October 16, 2012 at 10:30 am
To find a virgin person, we must become expert at Information Warfare.
We must become expert at:
1) Finding information. And
2) Understanding if it’s true or false.
At the same time, we must “investigate” as many people as possible and immediately disqualify anybody not satisfying our requirements (in terms of virginity and personality). “Fishing” for virgins requires knowing lots of people, so enlist “social hubs” (people that know hundreds of people) to help you with your search for a compatible virgin. (Google “social hubs”)
Scientific studies have proven that certain features and characteristics are strongly associated with a higher probability to be a virgin. Find such studies, read them and take EXTREMELY careful note of the said features and characteristics.
For example:
1. Higher-IQ people are more likely to be virgins.
2. Religious people (especially regular church-goers) are more likely to be virgins.
3. Introverted people are more likely to be virgins. (The fewer people they meet, the more the probabilities to still be virgins).
4. People with a certain college Major are more likely to be virgins (see link).
http://www.forwardon.com/view.php?e=Id1200c8f6b7f5f813
So… Where to find virgins, given the above information?
Find places visited by higher-IQ, introverted people with a certain college Major. For example: you’ll find more virgins in college libraries and bookstores than in bars and night clubs. And churches “contain” a certain amount of virgins, if you can identify and exclude the hypocrites who pretend to be pure but are not.
Sorry for the late reply. Difficult questions require long and thoughtful answers. 🙂 That’s all for now. I hope this helped a bit.
reality bites
Tuesday, October 16, 2012 at 11:32 am
I almost forgot…
QUOTE
Have you met any virgin girls yourself?
/QUOTE
Yes, so far I’ve found several virgin girls.
I’ll keep searching until I find a virgin woman with a compatible personality. 🙂
Good luck!
reality bites
Tuesday, October 16, 2012 at 11:37 am
So I just married my best friend. She’s wonderful and full of life and I love her. However, when we had sex on our wedding night for the first time, she did not bleed. Has she been lying to me about her virginity? She was surprised about it and she did cry during the intercourse so I kinda believe her but I have doubts now. She’s a great woman and waited to kiss me till our wedding day! She told me she had kissed another guy but that that was as far as they had gone. She’s always talking about purity and abstinence so I don’t think she’s lying to me. She’s a Christian and a strong one too. She told me that her ex (the one she kissed) left her because he wouldn’t have sex with her. I’m just wondering if it’s normal that women who are virgins don’t bleed? I did have a hard time going in lol and she was tight but I’m just wondering about that. Could someone answer me? Thanks!
Zachary
Sunday, October 7, 2012 at 9:01 am
Hi Zachary and Stephanie, I’ll reply as soon as I can! Stay tuned!
reality bites
Friday, October 12, 2012 at 1:51 am
Hi again Zachary, sorry for the late reply.
Congratulations on marrying a wonderful woman!
Now, to answer your questions:
Not every woman bleeds when she loses her virginity. In fact:
Not all women are born with the hymen, and the hymen does not always break on the first night, and bleeding does not always occur when virginity is lost. You should tell all this to your wife. Have a look at this web page:
http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2372.aspx?CategoryID=118&SubCategoryID=119
Your wife definitely looks sincere to me. I believe that she cried because she really, really wanted to bleed; because she was eager to demonstrate to you that she was indeed a virgin on the first night (having waited and suffered for so long). Letting her know the above facts should reassure her that you believed her and bring her some much needed relief.
Also remember that she did not hide that she kissed another man before, and that her religion (belief system) forbids premarital sex so she believes in purity and rejected his avances. Plus, since you had a hard time at first entry, I can only infer that her vaginal canal was very tight because she was never taken by another man AND because she was very tense (being the first time and full of worries).
So, as far as I can tell, it looks very credible to me that she remained a virgin for you. Yes, as far as I can tell, she was a virgin on wedding night! So, have a wonderful life with her, and good luck!
Hope this answer helped. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, October 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Test message… It worked
reality bites
Thursday, March 28, 2013 at 12:29 am
number 4 is mine; but you can’t say “insufferable romantics weak-hearted men”–
I can’t even bear idea of she kissed someone else, and believe me majority of “man” think the way. It is nor about romanticism or whatsoever. It is man’s pride; nobody can touch what is mine.
Cengo
Monday, December 10, 2012 at 5:26 pm
number 4 is mine; but you can’t say “insufferable romantics weak-hearted men”–
I can’t even bear the idea of she kissed someone else, and believe me majority of “man” think the same way. It is not about romanticism or whatsoever. It is man’s pride; nobody can touch what is mine.
Cengo
Monday, December 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm
How can you tell if a girl is a virgin or not?
Alex Ross Vessuo
Wednesday, March 27, 2013 at 11:12 am
By carefully observing her behavior and gathering reliable information about her.
reality bites
Thursday, March 28, 2013 at 12:44 am
Remember that
1, The more she trusts someone and the safer she feels, the more she’ll tell the truth to him/her.
2, When she’s alone, she’ll usually be more sincere than when she’s in public (less embarassment and the ability to plausibly deny any virginity confession made in private to you)
3, You can tactfully gather some intelligence from people close to her (but the straight question ‘Is she a virgin?’ should never be asked to people you’re not close friends with, and not especially ‘out of the blue’)
4, You can guess the PROBABILITY that she’s a virgin by reading statistics collected from scientific studies (eg. a religious nondrinking woman with a college degree and high IQ is much more likely to be a virgin compared to an uneducated atheistic heavy drinker with average IQ)
I’ve simplified many things but here’s your answer. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, March 28, 2013 at 12:45 am
hi reality bites
i married 3 yrs back . ON first night i had doubts . She was more keen to let me insert in wrong side. Plus no pain or tightness. I inquired and she fumbled but denied anything. I met her neighbor and she joked abt my wife as prentender of simple girl but she is not. Then i use to keep asking but she use to feel very nervous bt never confessed. It became sure given her body language that she is hiding. I once told her school boys/girls names and told i am going to create her profile on FB and join them. She got little panicked. But after a week asked me to get her a FB profile in reluctant way.
I told her i would hire a detective and find details. She gets nervous and then asks me to do it. Sometimes she asks me to focus on our child and future. Our problems were overheard by my famly and they taunt her. This has made her depressed and she seldom have any sex willingly.
Now i cry, then forgive and then again feel anger. I know she is loyal now. She cant go anywhere and she had to listen to her parents as she has several younger siblings who are yet to be married.
should i take help of detctive agency to dig the past ? I feel like harming the guy who did this to a girl belonging to conservative background.
I feel sad and depressed all times. I want to forgive and move on but cant. i love her but the facts hits me all the time. I cant picture her being fcked by anyone. i want all details. how many times …in what time and what position …Her family is vulnerable to to gossip and have siblings to marry . I hate her for loosing it. And i hate her parents for failing to protect/guide her. I want to hint her mother and younger sisters. her father prbably knows and protects her as father, though dejected. Even one of her sister knows this. She avoided my wife lately and she wife wept.
akash
Friday, July 5, 2013 at 5:39 pm
Hi akash,
I see powerful clues that your wife probably was not a virgin on wedding night.
Probably a guy took her virginity, being from a conservative background she felt guilty at first but she continued to have sex to the point that “normal” sex was not enough. Hence her willingness to try “alternative” stuff on wedding night.
Hiring the services of a good investigation agency is an excellent investment… before marriage. The decision to marry is one of the most important in one’s life, and the price tag of an expert and knowledgeable “private eye” is usually worth it, as this can prevent one from marrying the wrong person.
But now you’re married, and must carefully examine the situation before making a decision. Let’s see how.
reality bites
Saturday, July 6, 2013 at 1:31 pm
Here’s how I view the situation.
In your case, you should only hire an investigation agency if you want to collect proof for a divorce. But let me say why in your case hiring them probably wouldn’t be a good idea.
First, you told your wife that you wanted to hire such an agency.
So not only she’s feeling guilty about (lying about) her past; she’ll now be on the defensive for quite some time.
These two things alone (her sense of guilt and her defensive stance) will make retrieving information about your wife so much more difficult.
She’ll also feel under close scrutiny, therefore your wife, already loyal to you (out of love), will be even more loyal to you (out of fear of the numerous consequences).
Therefore, an investigation agency would probably find very little proof of sexual unfaithfulness. Ergo, if you want them to collect solid proof for a divorce case, you’re probably wasting your money.
Moreover, if you assumed that the woman was a virgin on wedding night but did not ask her BEFORE the wedding ceremony if she was a virgin, you can criticize her for her moral conduct (IF you was a virgin at marriage) but you cannot say (not especially to a Judge) that you were tricked into marrying her. (The most important questions should be asked before marriage). Again, an investigation agency would cost much to you, and not be able to solve your problem.
reality bites
Saturday, July 6, 2013 at 1:37 pm
All that said, if you want to hire an investigation agency to discover (AFTER the wedding) her past out of curiosity, again, save your money. I’ll tell you why:
You have already discovered that she has a past. Wanting to know who did what to your wife before marriage is human curiosity, but the more you know the more you’ll hate both your wife AND her past lover(s). I can see only trouble ahead (by the way: please DON’T harm anyone, it’s not worth it and you’d only get in trouble with the law, which would REALLY worsen your life conditions).
To summarize, should you hire an investigation agency? No, because they won’t be able to help you in your particular case: they’d likely find no solid proof for a divorce case (no marriage fraud, no sexual unfaithfulness) but they’d cost much and give you some information that would make you hate your wife and her past lover(s) much more, causing you many more worries and trouble.
Save your money for your family, present or future.
Also remember, don’t ever think of cheating for revenge: technically, your wife has not cheated on you, but if you did you’d make things ten times as worse as they are now.
reality bites
Saturday, July 6, 2013 at 1:42 pm
So… To divorce or not to divorce? That is the question now. But only you can answer.
Here’s why you may be thinking of a divorce.
1. Premarital sex is associated with, and often is the cause of, a catastrophic cascade of numerous problems (too many to mention). This has been proven by scientific studies common people have no idea about and are, strangely enough, not mentioned in most mass media. In fact, the more sex partners one has before a marriage, the less a marriage will last on average. Fact. (Which, alas, applies also to you; the more sexual partners you’ve had, including any past girlfriends or wives, the higher the risk of breakup/divorce). All other things being equal, the best marriage is always one where both spouses are virgins.
2. The trust bond between you and your wife is broken, maybe even permanently. Lying and withholding information are usually serious offences in a marriage, and can seldom be truly forgiven.
3. Irreconcilable characterial differences. For example: she did not value virginity much, and likes “alternative” sex; you value virginity and want “normal” sex.
And here’s why you may think it’s best to NOT divorce in your case.
1. After divorce, your personal sexual partners count would most likely go up; as would the scientifically demonstrated risk that a new marriage or long term relationship would actually be worse and shorter-lived than the one you left.
2. Economic reasons. Two incomes are very much needed today to survive. But more importantly, a divorce would cost you VERY much, since your proof of bridal misconduct would be almost nonexistent, so that you would be unable to build a strong divorce case. As I said, you weren’t tricked into marriage, and she’s likely not been unfaithful during marriage so far.
3. You have a child and (s)he needs a family where both parents are united and on good terms.
In a nutshell, I truly hope you don’t divorce; but whatever you do, first and foremost please do think of your child’s future and happiness.
I hope this helped. As you can see, reality is quite complicated and complex problems require complex answers.
Should you have any other questions, feel free to ask and I’ll do my best to answer within a reasonable time frame. 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, July 6, 2013 at 2:01 pm
I’m a virgin girl at 24 years old and sometimes I feel that waiting might not be worth it because my husband will probably not be a virgin. I also hear everyone say that virgins are wanted and most guys would cherish a virgin, but I met a guy at church and he didn’t care at all. He was with some girl from college and she treated him in an awful way. She even cheated on him with his best friend and had an abortion without his consent. Yet he still loves her and wants to marry her! And I know why…it’s because she looks like Barbie. He’s always talking about how pretty she is but he never mentions anything else that he likes about her. Meanwhile I am here brunette, athletic and intelligent. I care about Jesus, helping the needy and my friends and family. I am a humble servant of the Lord and keep my virtues but this guy just doesn’t see that. I even told him I was a virgin and he didn’t care! I know it’s wrong to think this way but sometimes I feel like just sleeping around…after all my future husband it probably doing that right now. 😦
Stephanie Aumiller
Saturday, August 17, 2013 at 4:15 am
Hi Stephanie,
The man looks very shallow; he doesn’t care about your sacrifices, doesn’t value sexual exclusivity (the very core of a marriage!) and he is infatuated with a girl who would make a terrible wife (bad taste in women? More like cluelessness about what to look for in a woman).
He wouldn’t appreciate and cherish you at all! Avoid him like the plague, or I very much believe that he’ll fill your life with sorrow.
Moreover, some people just aren’t meant for marriage, and his girl probably is one of them. Oh, how do I not envy him! And if he ever convinces her to marry him, a marriage based only on attraction will not last!
reality bites
Sunday, August 18, 2013 at 7:10 am
All that said, congratulations for staying a virgin so far. As a virgin man myself, I know well how it is difficult… But I also know that it’s worth it.
Don’t give up, because there are definite benefits in staying virgin until marriage: a much closer bond with your spouse, a FAR far lower risk of divorce, a life filled with much more health and less diseases, and what not.
Read the scientific info and logic arguments I’ve posted throughout the years on this blog:
http://www.everywomansblog.com/does-a-guy-mind-that-his-girlfriend-is-not-a-virgin/comment-page-X/
(replace “X” with page number, pages range from 1 to 7 as of now, scientific stuff slowly starts on page 5)
Don’t give in to peer pressure; since you’re a smart girl, I know
that you’ll stay virgin until marriage and enjoy the benefits that the stupid, the ignorant and the lazy will never get! 😉
Any questions, just post them (on either blog).
reality bites
Sunday, August 18, 2013 at 7:18 am
QUOTE
how do I not envy him!
/QUOTE
I wanted to type “how I do not envy him!”, but it’s late night here and there’s no edit button so… apologies for my typing error
reality bites
Sunday, August 18, 2013 at 7:26 am
On Thursday, June 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm I posted quotes from some important scientific studies. Let me repost such quotes, and may more people read them this time around:
Kahn and London (1991)
“Women who are sexually active prior to marriage faced considerably higher risk of marital disruption than women who were virgin brides.”
Laumann, Gagnon, Michael and Michaels (1994)
– “For both genders, we find that virgins have dramatically more stable first marriages.”
– “The finding confirms the results reported by Kahn and London…those who are virgins at marriage have much lower rates of separation and divorce.”
– “Those who marry as non-virgins are also more likely – all other things being equal – to be unfaithful over the remainder of their life compared with those spouses who do marry as virgins.”
Heaton (2002)
“Dissolution rates are substantially higher among those who initiate sexual activity before marriage.”
Teachman (2003)
“Women with more than one intimate relationship prior to marriage have an elevated risk of marital disruption.”
Paik (2011)
“Research shows that adolescent sexuality/premarital sex is associated with marital dissolution.”
reality bites
Monday, August 19, 2013 at 3:54 am
Hi Evelyn, looks like http://www.everywomansblog.com is down again… I hope it’s not for good this time! But I managed to save every bit of discussion material, thanks to my backups… and even the latest posts thanks to Google Cache! 😀
The blog page now says “The domain everywomansblog.com has expired. If you are currently the domain owner please login to your domain manager to renew your domain”. However, a quick WHOIS search reveals that the domain has been renewed and now has “Expiration Date: 02-sep-2014”
So I’ll wait one more week or so before posting again, to allow time for any technical web problems to be solved. The EWB blog may come back online, but if it doesn’t we can on this blog instead from now on. Remember to check both. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, September 8, 2013 at 11:03 am
I meant “if it doesn’t we can CHAT on this blog instead from now on”. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, September 8, 2013 at 11:05 am
Testing whether posting works or not… Ok it works
reality bites
Friday, September 20, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Testing emoticons engine:
🙂 😀 8)
😦 😥 =) ^_^ 😐 :> :! :$ :d 😕 :*) 😉 ;D ;p ;d :# :E 😮 :O @:) :X 😡 :8 :I :[ :]
reality bites
Thursday, January 16, 2014 at 5:14 am
Testing some BBC (Bulletin Board Code):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BBCode
[b]bolded text[/b]
[i]italicized text[/i]
[u]underlined text[/u]
[s]strikethrough text[/s]
[style size=”15px”]Large Text[/style]
reality bites
Friday, February 14, 2014 at 9:23 am
Sorry, missing word: I wanted to type,
if it doesn’t come back online, we can CHAT on this blog instead from now on. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, September 8, 2013 at 11:08 am
Hey there! haha such a co-incidence! I dropped by here and saw your message. Anyway the EWB site still reads the same as before.. ‘this domain has expired… ‘ I hope it comes back on soon! I will surely check both! By the way, have u ever read this site: http://judgybitch.com ?
Evelyn
Monday, September 16, 2013 at 11:18 am
Nope; it’s a funny blog with a telling title! Thanks. 🙂
I liked the commentary about consensual sex, legalese and logic; an amusing point of view about Georg Cantor’s set theory and Euler/Venn diagrams (” ‘No’ really does mean ‘Yes’ “)!
And that stylized “Berk” cartoon character (of “The Trap Door” fame) rules, I think I might just print a poster out of it and hang it in the kitchen haha. 😀
Anyway I’ll soon reply here to the questions you recently posted on EWB. Stay tuned. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, September 16, 2013 at 12:43 pm
Haha. it’s a funny, judgy, bitchy blog. But I like what the author discusses – things about the loose morals of women these days and such. And it’s also very logically written – quite rare coming from a female author. No problem – take your time with the replies!
Evelyn
Wednesday, September 18, 2013 at 1:02 pm
Anyway just a short comment on what I just read:
http://judgybitch.com/2012/11/03/does-your-husbandboyfriend-watch-porn-good-it-means-hes-a-healthy-male-with-a-normal-sexual-appetite-and-that-is-not-yours-to-control-get-over-yourself/
but I don’t agree with her views on porn. Hers is a very simple argument: objecting porn is objecting male sexuality. And if women can read their lit erotica, men can watch their porn. Which is an argument for equality isnt it, and which I absolutely do not agree with. My girlfriends don’t read such rubbish, neither do I. So why do we have to put up with our men watching porn? Hers is the kind of mindset which further perpetuates these porn-watching behaviours in men and ruins relationships by telling women bothered by it to ‘get over yourself’. MANY women who are bothered when their partners watch porn do not read literotica at all, so how is that an argument. Anyway, I’m still quite disgusted that some women are for watching porn or encouraging their partners to do so. If you see the last comment on the page, the commenter replying to another above who says he/she doesn’t agree with porn-watching, is ‘repressed’. I wonder HOW? how does NOT watching porn and having some discipline mean one is repressed? Disgusted.
Evelyn
Friday, September 20, 2013 at 7:24 am
http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2012/07/10/sexual-objectification-part-3-daily-rituals-to-stop/
Reality bites, take a look at the link above, it might be interesting. It’s a series of posts on sexual objectification of women. The author is actually really a sociologist who writes a lot about said issues. I found her post refreshing, although some of the suggestions sounded more tongue-in-cheek than anything. But scroll down to the comments and I get shocked at the load of stupidity going on there. Instead of reading the article properly, these ‘women’ are wondering why the heck they should be doing all these things (ie, taking some responsibility for their actions) and start attacking the author, making loads of logical reasoning mistakes along the way and asking why MEN aren’t told by the author to do anything.
Way to Miss the point. the author was addressing women so of course her tips would only be for women isnt it? one would think its obvious… plus i still dont understand why people are so against taking peronal responsibility for their actions but instead constantly arguing why arent external entities doing the same. commenter who made sense was this person ‘CS’.
It’s incredibly stupid people like this who make me lose complete hope over mankind ever bringing ourselves to a better place. It also makes me think that women fully deserve the shit they are getting in society these days.
Evelyn
Friday, September 20, 2013 at 7:57 pm
The blog hasn’t yet published my latest reply, instead I got this message:
‘Duplicate comment detected; it looks as though you’ve already said that!’
If by tomorrow morning my reply’s not yet published, I’ll change it a bit and repost it. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, September 20, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Anyway, regarding the horde of irrational posters:
You should constantly remember that unlike us, most people don’t read scientific studies and don’t have a strong understanding of Logic. They are generally irrational, frustrated and becoming increasingly aggressive; many seem to think that insults are valid arguments and that the louder they scream, the more they’ll win a debate.
Unfortunately for them, it doesn’t work that way.
Knowledge and Logic combined can be used to win any rational debate. We know it first-hand. But let me tell you that people don’t like losing, and that losing people can become very aggressive. After all, to them we are like a Main Battle Tank crushing unarmed civilians beneath its treads, and nobody likes being crushed.
And so, no matter where I post, I am often the object of gratuitous verbal aggressions which can at times quickly escalate to very worrisome levels. I think I’m doing well in preserving my anonymity behind a pseudonym and proxy servers.
Anyway yes, I don’t expect much out of mankind; most won’t spontaneously evolve. Quite the contrary; powerful and well-funded organizations will make sure that mankind is shaped to their liking, producing ever more shallow and stupid consumers – cows to milk ‘from cradle to grave’ (until robots can replace them in most menial and intellectal jobs, after which… the Masters of Society will not rule out a Malthusian genocide to get rid of us ‘useless eaters’).
Only by spreading Knowledge and Logic combined will things ever change.
That’s it in a nutshell… More later! 🙂
reality bites
Friday, September 20, 2013 at 10:55 pm
Reposting my yet-unpublished reply in two chunks:
QUOTE
I don’t agree with her views on porn.
/QUOTE
As we discussed in the past, porn is harmful for several reasons. The one that most people will readily accept is this one:
http://www.edguider.com/erectile_dysfunction/can_internet_porn_cause_erectile_dysfunction_ed_in_men.html
reality bites
Sunday, September 22, 2013 at 10:28 am
Quote from the website:
“Can Porn Lead to Erectile Dysfunction?
The answer is quite simply yes. Recent blogs on http://www.psychologytoday.com have revealed that men addicted to porn can suffer ED problems because the brain gets desensitized to regular stimuli with women.”
This and other facts demonstrate that watching porn does far more harm than good, so the JB blog author (as likeable as she is) should revise her point of view after knowing all the facts and logic arguments. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, September 22, 2013 at 10:30 am
QUOTE
I found her post refreshing, although some of the suggestions sounded more tongue-in-cheek than anything.
/QUOTE
Yeah, nice article with good advice indeed aimed at women… Strange that some women didn’t understand that. Also, I’ve not found CS’s comment, perhaps it was removed.
reality bites
Sunday, September 22, 2013 at 11:29 am
C.S’s comment was a very long way down and buried amongst all the stupidity haaha, took me ages to find too.
Something interesting I came across today: http://scienceblogs.com/notrocketscience/2010/01/12/how-sexual-objectification-silences-women-the-male-glance/
I usually avoid the comment sections of such articles cause I know that they will be filled with stupid people commenting as if they are experts and above all the research. as well as pooh-poohing the research; something as a researcher I never enjoy reading. I enjoy being a researcher, but the thing that really gets to me is that people are so darn stupid. And they will just dismiss your painstakingly-done research in just a few minutes… cause they are… well.. so dumb and can’t process things at all. it’s a huge barrier in my field cause at some point, we have to ‘sell’ our research (not so much for my company cause we aren’t largely profit-driven, but we still have to work with clients). but can you imagine trying to convince these common, stupid people to agree with your research? it’s a tough gig and one of the most unpleasant things about working in my industry that I’m seriously considering switching to Academia. one question that I always have on my mind is – do I need to worry about convincing the masses? hmm
anyway I digress. the blog link mentions how women speak less and are more uncomfortable when they know a man is focussing on their body than on their face or simply listening to their voice. it’s an interesting finding and something that I find to be quite familiar, personally. In the past, when I’ve had guys ‘check me out’, I tend to ‘withdraw’ somehow and try not to engage with the situation. no matter how hot the guys were or how interested I was, I tended to find this very off-putting on a sub-conscious level. guys who looked at my face when they spoke to me/ never made it obvious they were checking my body out physically (whether they did or not I wouldn’t want to know) were people I felt more comfortable around.
Evelyn
Monday, September 23, 2013 at 11:31 am
Anyway, I know what you mean about research. Take virginity studies, for example – the hard numbers and facts are there, yet most people don’t accept that virginity until marriage is the best course of action. It flies in the face of all the televised sexual pseudoknowledge they’ve been programmed with! And so, people disregard the research; but this won’t make the research any less valid. Numbers and facts don’t lie!
QUOTE
do I need to worry about convincing the masses? hmm
/QUOTE
A scientific research must be as objective as possible in order to be valid. A study that bends or misuses the results in order to please the client is not true research and will eventually hurt the “objectivity reputation” of the writer(s).
The “cool” clients will accept your research no matter what, the “uncool” clients won’t. You set your own boundaries and work ethics. Since research must be “sold” at some point, here’s what you should do:
You have maximum freedom with the “cool” clients. To the “uncool” ones, explain that misleading findings would be a waste of money for them and would be counterproductive (at least in the long run).
So, when selling a work to an “uncool” client, whenever possible try to adopt as main selling points the findings that your “uncool” client agrees with. If that won’t work… Well, the client is really purchasing an endorsement or public relations article rather than scientific work, and you should wave him/her goodbye. Or at least, if you can, politely ask your company if you can work at a more honest research project instead.
reality bites
Sunday, October 6, 2013 at 3:02 pm
Actually it’s not strange that women don’t understand any form of advice given to them these days. They see such things as ‘oppressive’ and ‘backward’ and refuse to listen to them. Whenever anyone so much as makes a suggestion to them to rethink their behaviours and change their ways they see it as an attack on their personality and behave very aggressively. They also view all these types of advice as people ‘policing’ their behaviour. And ya’know, as ‘modern’, ‘liberated’ women they should not be told what to do, cause they know best!! *sarcastic smile*
Anyway! There were some thoughts that occurred to me over the weekend that I would like to ask you about. Let’s say you are dating a new guy, and well this guy has been single for awhile before you two start dating. And then the both of you start talking about sex – as in very generally. And he tells you (in a very general manner) that all men need to have something to ‘stimulate’ them sexually, so they can ‘release’ and that keeps him healthy because he’s managing his sex drive. And when you question him about that ‘something’, he says it’s semi-nude/nude pictures of women. I have a few questions from there.
1) Should a person continue dating said guy who admits to masturbating to such pictures to get himself off?
2) Even if this progresses to a serious relationship/marriage, will there be a chance that he will continue to do such a thing?
3) On a not-so-related-but-still-kinda-related question, haha. What is a good way for women to ‘manage’ their sex drives well? I mean, women do feel horny as well from time to time (especially before their periods), so what should women do to ‘release’ that horniness and keep her healthy? Masturbate? to semi-nude/nude men?
Evelyn
Monday, September 30, 2013 at 10:36 am
And I have another really weird question, that is sexually unrelated haha. What would you do if something like this happens to you:
You are intending to get into the queue in a café to get a drink. However, there are two girls in front of you. And they look to you like they aren’t really in the queue. First off, they are staring at the menu high up on the wall and discussing. Second, there’s a huge gap between them and the other person who is ordering at the head of the queue. So seeing that they don’t really seem to be in a queue and also that you aren’t really in a good mood and in a rush, you go past them and line up behind the guy who is currently ordering. Not so long later, one of the girls quietly tells you that they were in the queue first. What would you have replied?
I was kind of already pissed, and my shoes were killing my feet. And also cause I was much taller, I did not apologise and told them, ‘Then hurry up and order your food’. They quickly then hurried to the front to order. I regretted that almost immediately cause it sounded really bitchy and I always feel like kicking myself when I cant come up with smarter replies in such situations. Cause I actually really wanted to point out to them that they didn’t look like they were queuing in the first place and should queue properly. I also instinctively knew they felt they had to tell me off, cause I was alone and I’m a girl (there were two of them). IF it were a bunch of guys or even a really big guy standing alone, I doubt they would have done the same.
I know it’s a weird question and a really small situation, but these situations occur a lot around here. (someone should have a manual to teach people to come up with smart replies in such situations!)
Evelyn
Monday, September 30, 2013 at 10:46 am
Hi Evelyn,
Don’t feel guilty about your reply to the two women, they’ve caused an unclear and irritating situation and I feel they’ve asked for it. 🙂
We’re entering the fascinating realm of “fuzzy logic” here… The realm where the light can be either “on” or “off” as in boolean logic… but also “somewhere in between” as it’s often the case.
The “somewhere in between” in this case is an unclear situation and can depend on many things. Were the two women rightly in the queue or not? My puzzling answer is: Partly!
In the absence of laws and regulations about queues (eg. distance between two customers, etc.) and in the absence of a device spewing out numbered tickets, one’s opinion is as good as everybody else’s. So it is the service provider (ie. bartender or waiter) who ultimately decides who will be served first. His/her ruling is final.
But before anything else, ask yourself, is this worth fighting over with two irrational, moronic women with an inflated ego and a marked sense of entitlement?
If it’s not worth it, consider them “in the queue” and let them pass… Even if they lied and cheated you. I wouldn’t like this situation myself… But arguing can often waste more time than the time that you want to save. And “time is money” (and the café’s staff would agree with good ol’ Ben Franklin).
On the contrary, if it’s worth it and you have a legit reason, consider those people “out of the queue”, politely stand your ground and let the service provider decide. Let me tell you a story…
Just recently, a small group of people TRIED to argue with me in a public office, because I had passed in front of them in the queue. The office had just reopened for the Afternoon Session…
Rather than arguing with the said people, I’ve asked STRAIGHT to the service provider, “Here’s my ticket that I got today moments before the end of the Morning Session. Is it still valid?” He said, “It is, please come in”. Situation cleared in just a few seconds, and I was rightfully served before them. Reality Bites 1, pointless arguers 0. 😀
So, as I see it, arguing for a couple of positions in a queue is often pointless, time-consuming and unnecessary… But if it’s worth it and you have objective, legit reasons (eg. a valid numbered ticket or appointment), talk straight to the service provider (instead of arguing with the other clients/customers/users) whenever possible. 🙂
This is my point of view on the subject, please let me know what you think. 8)
reality bites
Saturday, October 5, 2013 at 7:25 am
Let me underline, again, that arguing with irrational people in the lack of objective criteria for determining who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” is often futile. In fact, most people won’t admit defeat, even in the face of irrefutable proof that you’re right and they’re wrong.
We could reply to the two women that to be part of the queue, they must be “close enough” to the preceding customer as defined by the majority of people. But this is a definition that’s far from objective, and very often not worth fighting over it. And again, even if we could prove that we’re “objectively right”, many people wouldn’t peacefully give up. So, the service provider is the only one who can end any dispute over queue-position. 🙂
Finally, yeah, two guys wouldn’t probably have argued with you. Humans are so predictable…
reality bites
Sunday, October 6, 2013 at 4:38 am
First, the specific reply.
That guy is honest and well-meaning (ie. ignores scientific studies), but based on what I know and understand he has a high probability to develop a porn addiction AND erectile dysfunction, both of which will hurt a relationship or marriage. And it’s hard to find a polite way to tell him…
In extreme synthesis, the guy will probably cheat on his partner/spouse for lack of sufficient self-control, but later honestly confess the cheating to her. But you know what? The “number of sexual partners” statistic will go up, and the correlated “marriage/relationship duration” statistic will go down…
No, IMHO a girl shouldn’t be dating him until he solves his problem and changes his beliefs about porn and masturbation. Honesty is good, masturbation and porn are not.
Now, for the general reply.
Both men and women can have very high sex drives.
Masturbation may at first appear to be an effective way to manage one’s sex drive, but in the long run it becomes painfully obvious that it’s harmful to the person doing it.
Firstly, it reinforces the need for porn (and porn is bad, as we widely discussed).
Secondly, it doesn’t teach us self-control (one of the main ingredients for a successful long-term relationship) and in fact it prevents us from increasing our ability to self-control (needed to avoid cheating).
Thirdly, it develops one’s egoism (taking vs giving) which, again, hurts a marriage/relationship (because it changes one’s focus from the partner to self satisfaction).
Here are the best ways (IMHO) to manage one’s sexual drive, in decreasing order of effectiveness:
1. To be married to the right spouse.
2. To not be exposed to porn (soft/hard) or otherwise sexually stimulating materials and discussions.
3. To think of something other than sex (eg. read, sleep, go jogging…)
4. To take sex-drive reduction (safe and legal) substances.
An example of said substances. This plant’s extract has been used for centuries and is said to reduce sexual desire.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitex_agnus-castus
Here was my reply. Agree/disagree? Feel free to let me know what you think. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, October 6, 2013 at 4:43 pm
And here’s an article about how porn is harmful.
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/9-reasons-porn-hurts
reality bites
Monday, October 7, 2013 at 9:01 pm
Haha, I agree with you. A lot of these social situations aren’t very clear, and sometimes – at least where I live – the service providers themselves don’t lay down the rules loud and clear. Sometimes they even let the queue-cutter or the person not obeying the rules to go first, which really infuriates me.
This is probably largely cause of my personality – I hate it when people don’t ‘obey’ social rules and decorum and just do as they please. It’s this ‘ i shall do as i please without any concern or consideration for others’ attitude i’m very disdainful about, and I dislike it when people get away with it. It’s a value I very strongly hold. Also, cause of my pride, I have a tendency to tell people off when i’m really really pissed. haha.
But you are right, I usually don’t see it as anything worth my time arguing over, cause most people have too much pride and not much sense in such situations to ever admit or even consider that they are wrong.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 16, 2013 at 11:35 am
Yeah you are right, I found out that the guy (thank God just a friend, not someone i’m dating) has until this day issues with porn/managing his sexual desire. He’s about 32 and used to have this amazing lady whom I’m also friends with as his girlfriend. She was just amazing, a truly rare gem amongst all the women you see these days. But she left him after realising that he just couldn’t control this part of himself and she because of that started to unconsciously lose respect for him and wouldn’t treat him as well. So to stop herself from doing all that she left him. It’s so many years ago, but yet I still see him struggle with this behaviour of his to this day. Some habits really don’t die. =/
I agree with your list. I tend to think that if you are watching porn etc you aren’t engaged enough in life. People with hobbies/work/activities they are really passionate about and put their heart and soul into rarely have any time or energy to engage in such mindless (not to mention, damaging) drivel like porn. Is the list same for both men and women? I always wonder if there is a gender difference. Cause I know a lot of women who can control their sexual urges (or maybe they are expected to by society hmm) but a lot of men who seemingly cannot.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 16, 2013 at 11:46 am
QUOTE
Is the list same for both men and women? I always wonder if there is a gender difference. Cause I know a lot of women who can control their sexual urges (or maybe they are expected to by society hmm) but a lot of men who seemingly cannot.
/QUOTE
Yes, the list is the same for both men and women. 🙂
Both genders can apply my suggestions and keep sex drive under control.
Men or women, who has the highest “natural” (not porn-assisted, etc.) sexual drive? I don’t know. We should read more about it before forming a judgement.
reality bites
Monday, October 21, 2013 at 6:37 am
^ That would be an interesting study to do haha. I’ll need to read more into it (when I do have the time eventually), but my guess would be it’s about the same. I personally knew women who were watching porn and just plain addicted to it more than the average man (needless to say, they were all not virgins and had sex willingly before marriage). I can’t remember where I read this but there was a study I once came across which found that women who have a higher sex drive (watched porn, slept around, sexually active etc) had a higher testosterone level than the average woman. This made their ‘sexual’ activity seem more ‘man-like’ so to speak. Maybe there’s something about the hormones!
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 23, 2013 at 8:38 am
Virginity-until-marriage pledges. Do they work or not?
They can work, according to a 2008 study:
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-06-10-virginity-pledges_N.htm
“Teenagers who vowed to remain virgins until they were married were less likely to be sexually active than others who didn’t make a pledge.”
So… Pledgers are more likely to stay virgin longer, compared to nonpledgers. Anybody looking for a virgin spouse should remember that.
reality bites
Monday, October 7, 2013 at 12:04 am
Of course, I’m not in any way suggesting that one should marry a teenager haha, or in one’s teenage years. Far from it.
In fact, I’ve read somewhere that emotional and mental development may not be complete before 25 or even 30 years of age. Sex before emotional/mental/physical development is complete would seriously damage the person.
Drawing from ancient philosophy, I remember that ancient Jews considered a human “adult” at 30 years of age. Jesus Christ was not considered “adult” before then. St. Paul recommended to not marry before the juvenile “age of strong passions” is over (1 Cor 7:38), ie. before one has developed some degree of self-control.
My point of view (also considering that with the passage of time, fertility decreases and genetic defects probabilities increase), is that the ideal age for getting married is between 20 and 30 years of age, possibly after earning a college degree. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, October 7, 2013 at 12:46 am
Another study found that LATE virginity loss (ie. losing virginity in the twenties etc.) MIGHT cause sexual problems.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Sex/story?id=3932047&page=1
However, the authors admit these points:
1. there’s no proven causation link, just some correlation
2. EARLY virginity loss is also linked to sexual problems (inconclusive study, anyone?)
On top of that, I’ll add that:
3. whoever may recommend us to “lose virginity early”, should be reminded that this doesn’t imply “losing virginity outside of marriage” (logic for the win!)
Finally:
4. if I had to make a choice, I would rather be a mentally/emotionally developed lifetime virgin than losing virginity early just to avoid hypothetical sexual problems. I’ll still need my beautiful, fully-developed mind in my 80s! Haha.
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 6:40 am
http://www.academic.marist.edu/mwwatch/fall05/science1.htm
“A National Institutes of Health study proposes that the part of the brain that restrains risky behavior, including reckless driving, and thinking skills is not fully developed until the age of 25.”
In other words, most people won’t be “adult” before age 25!
I wonder what the world would look like if the legal age of consent was raised to 25. Probably much better! Haha. 😀
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 6:59 am
Yet more details about this fascinating topic.
http://www.livescience.com/7005-brains-young-adults-fully-mature.html
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 7:02 am
And now, some more good news for women who lost their virginity early!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/15/virginity-teens-divorce-study_n_877529.html
“31 percent who lost their virginity as teens divorced within five years, and 47 percent divorced within 10 years. On the flip side, the divorce rate for women who had waited to have sex was only 15 percent at the five year mark, and 27 percent by the time 10 years rolled around.”
Findings consistent with other material I’ve read.
So, there is no escape: if you lost your virginity early, chances are good that you’ll be divorced within 10 years! So, try not to have too many children, unless you want to make them suffer the painful consequences of a divorce.
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 3:00 pm
If anybody asks “Why should my wife be a virgin?” like this blog page does, a sarcastic reply could be…
“I don’t know! Anybody knows? Nobody knows!” Haha.
Actually, we could list all the scientific reasons why it’s wise to remain virgin until marriage. Maybe one day I’ll create a complete list from the “knowledge bites” I’ve posted throughout the years here and there. Time permitting.
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 3:09 pm
The above study obviously refers to married women (unmarried women can’t divorce, duh – although, girlfriends can break up… the percentages must be the same more or less!)
reality bites
Wednesday, October 9, 2013 at 4:00 pm
Again on virginity pledges:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/1589051/posts
“A 2004 study from Columbia and Yale Universities found that teens who make a virginity pledge are 12 times more likely than non-pledgers to be virgins at marriage. Also, those who signed a pledge were more likely to delay sexual activity for 18 months, have fewer partners, and marry earlier. A Heritage Foundation study found that young women who pledge to remain virgins are about 40 percent less likely to have an out-of-wedlock birth compared to those who do not pledge.”
reality bites
Monday, October 7, 2013 at 6:09 am
I agree with the pledging thing. I have not conducted any virgin-related studies haha but have a huge pool of virgin friends and all of them have the following whilst growing up: 1) the unconscious desire to want to remain a virgin til marriage 2) a good/close relationship with their families 3) like-minded friends who desired the same thing. a combination of personality, upbringing and environment. It’s easy to see how there are so many ways people can trip up.
About the mental development age, I think you are spot on. I remember reading in my psychology texts back in college that the personality only really becomes developed/fully formed at 25 earliest, 30 latest. some argue about 30 being the latest, but the common consensus was 25 was the earliest age that our brains/personality become fully developed. Our prefrontal cortex (which controls decision making and higher thought processes) also only fully forms around this age. And if i’m not wrong, this part of the brain is central in controlling our pleasure principles/values/judgments etc. Any impairment (poor social conditions/accidents) leads to very impulsive behaviour. Which is what they found in a lot of criminals. I think a lot of non-virgins/people with very low self control have very undeveloped prefrontal cortexes.
Personally I think a good age to marry would be between 25-30 ideally. Even just using myself as an example, I feel my personality/mental faculties to be changing (for the better I hope!) each year. How I think about things/process things now is very different from a year ago. I used to be more emotional/reactive about things, these days i’m more confident about what I think/say and have no issues when people disagree with me cause I have utter confidence in why I think the way I do and do the things I do. I’m sure I’ll keep changing.
which is why it completely amazes me why some people get hitched so young (before 25) haha. other than the biological pros (conceiving/fertility etc) I can’t see any advantages.
I’ve also read somewhere… can’t remember where now.. that engaging in behaviour your brain isn’t fully developed to handle (sex, drugs, vices, porn) before a certain age, can ‘short-circuit’ the brain in a sense and actually kill off any further neural development.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 16, 2013 at 12:04 pm
The worst people in my life all seem to suffer from prefrontal cortex underdevelopment haha. They are the most horrific people I know: undisciplined, disorderly, impulsive, intractable, violent (or verbally abusive at minimum), vindictive, envious, lazy, opportunist but shortsighted (especially when evaluating the benefits of “following the rules”)… The list goes on and on. Every imaginable negative personality trait, all rolled into one emotionally overloaded body.
I loathe (and pity) them all. Most of them don’t stand a chance of ever evolving.
reality bites
Saturday, October 19, 2013 at 11:44 pm
Hi again Evelyn,
This article mentions that the prefrontal cortex is important to resist temptations and delay gratification (though it contains an error, read Mike’s Comment #11):
http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2008/10/23/selfcontrol-and-the-prefrontal/
Quote from the article:
“willpower trumped raw intelligence” they write… Similar to what you posted over a year ago on the (now shut down) everywomansblog.com blog.
Needless to say, humans who CAN deny gratification to themselves (for “as long as needed”) seem the best candidates for a long term relationship.
In fact, I consider a “virgin by choice” to be superior compared to a “virgin for lack of opportunities”.
reality bites
Sunday, October 20, 2013 at 12:49 am
Yes! I’ve met people with many of the above traits. A lot of negativity just rolled into one person, you are right. Ew. thank God i’m not in their presence anymore and I wont hesitate to eliminate people from my life who display those characteristics. Yeah, they don’t ever stand a chance of ever evolving. I know this is gonna sound controversial… but everytime I hear about such people having children, I somehow wish there was a way to stop them – you know, natural selection in a sense – so they can’t reproduce. It’s the same feeling I get whenever I read about some C-list trashy celeb having a child with another equally trashy person. I cringe.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 23, 2013 at 8:42 am
QUOTE
I know this is gonna sound controversial… but everytime I hear about such people having children, I somehow wish there was a way to stop them – you know, natural selection in a sense – so they can’t reproduce.
/QUOTE
Yep, read my latest (Nov 3, 2013) message below. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, November 3, 2013 at 3:31 am
This is interesting. On the benefits of monogamy…
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/07/30/hookinguprealities/casual-sex-makes-college-students-crazy-fat-and-stupid/
“Monogamous relationships between young people were predictive of fewer mental health problems and lower rates of obesity.”
And of course…
“the number of sex partners a person has is linked to a number of negative health outcomes…”
But we already knew that!
That said… Of course, a marriage to the right person will provide even greater benefits compared to a “simple” long term relationship, which the study fails to underline because it was aimed at young college students (among whom, I bet, not many are married).
reality bites
Tuesday, October 15, 2013 at 4:26 pm
Yeah. I mean, a lot of people and I mean.. ALOT use this pre-marital long term relationships they are in to justify pre-martial sex. They will go like, ‘o, we were together for 10 years and had sex but ended up marrying’. It makes no sense to me. It doesn’t matter how long or short you were together before marrying, or whether you end up marring, the point is not to have any sexual contact during that period of time that matters. It’s like saying ‘o I got drunk and then got raped at a party, but I’m now in a long term relationship with the guy (who raped me), so technically he’s not a rapist’. That said, many of my friends (who are either completely single or in pre-marital LTRs) are healthy, not fat and have very good work ethics.
It just occurred to me that someone needs to do a correlation experiment of MBTI types with the tendency to indulge in pre-marital sex! I personally think xxFPs will come up as one of the highest correlations.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 16, 2013 at 8:35 am
QUOTE
It’s like saying ‘o I got drunk and then got raped at a party, but I’m now in a long term relationship with the guy (who raped me), so technically he’s not a rapist’.
/QUOTE
You could say that many people are “drunk with ignorance”. They go through life ignoring the consequences of their actions. They have a careless attitude, rather than carefree attitude.
Claiming to have achieved a specific goal AFTER some events somehow happened to help its achievement is a Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_sharpshooter_fallacy
The fallacy (faulty reasoning) takes its name from a joke where a Texan fires some bullets at a barn and only later paints a target around the best cluster of hits, to support his claim that he is a sharpshooter.
By the way, this one fallacy is favored not only by boasters, but also by many scammers throughout the world. The real results of scam products are very often not quite as good as advertised!
reality bites
Sunday, October 20, 2013 at 9:36 pm
QUOTE
someone needs to do a correlation experiment of MBTI types with the tendency to indulge in pre-marital sex! I personally think xxFPs will come up as one of the highest correlations.
/QUOTE
The highest correlation with premarital sex would probably be found for the ESFP type. (This Myers-Briggs model is great stuff, by the way).
(E)xtrovert individuals tend to meet more people, among whom they are more likely to find somebody that makes them lose their virginity (or cheat upon their spouse/partner, hint hint).
As for the (S)ensing part, people who rely only on the five senses cannot access the sixth sense (intuition). Data must often be interpreted in order to get the “big picture”.
For example, when a girl says she’s a virgin, is the datum literal? Does she mean what she just said? Or is she lying? Or is she just kidding? Or is she saying so under threat of punishment, like it happens in certain countries? The meaning of data depends on CONTEXT, so other data must be acquired and interpreted along with the original datum.
reality bites
Monday, October 21, 2013 at 5:20 am
Here’s a link to the Myers-Briggs personality rating system for who’s interested.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
Anyway…
Whoever relies only on the five senses has a limited perception of reality.
The (S)ensing guy who wants a virgin and believes the literal datum (“I’m a virgin”, the girl of the above example said) can end up having sex with her, perhaps after marrying her. If the datum is later discovered as false (ie. if the girl is NOT a virgin), the end result is: suffering, suffering and yet more suffering (for example: break of trust, unwanted marriage to the wrong person, undesired children, unplanned costly alimony checks, etc.).
So, beware (S)ensing people: don’t trust all you can see, hear, and touch. Always use your Judgement. Interpret data. Don’t be shallow. Always acquire more data to help you interpret reality and discover what the truth is – because it is a world of liars out there. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, October 21, 2013 at 5:48 am
Interesting, this is the first time I’m hearing about that particular fallacy, thanks! Careless vs carefree attitude indeed is a very fine distinction that most people don’t care to have. 😀 Freedom = careless for the masses rather than carefree.
My guess would be on the ESFPs or ISFPs too. In fact when I typed that older post I was thinking of few ISFPs I used to know. They were the most unstable, emotionally high-maintenance people I ever knew who lived their lives as if it were all a huge big drama. Needless to say these types are usually found a lot in celebrities or ‘artist’ types. I find the Introverted SFPs to be no less promiscuous than their extroverted counterparts. Having a lower reach of people they know does not make them any less likely to sleep around, I think. I find them the most unstable/promiscuous of all the introverted types.
Anyway, there is something about xSFx people that I highly dislike. The emotions combined with the lack of intuition makes for very painful company in my experience. Because of that, they tend to come across very self-centred and defensive especially when people do not agree with them. xSTx I much prefer but they tend to be abit rigid in thinking.
Actually, I would probably sound abit controversial saying this, but I tend to find Sensors to be a bit less intelligent than their Intuitive counterparts. They simply absorb information and decipher situations based on past experiences, but they rarely go one step further and assess things more. In psychology terms, I find sensors to be very low self-monitors. They behave the same in ALL situations and then wonder why sometimes people dislike them greatly. They also tend to not be able to ‘read’ situations and vibes from people well. Not sure what you think of this. I’m sure there are some very iffy Intuitives who make poor judgments on people/situations (INFPs come to mind), but there’s always that extra ‘something’ about an Intuitive – I can always tell when i’m talking to one, they come across pretty deep. Needless to say, Intuitives make up only 25% and Sensors 75%.
Evelyn
Monday, October 28, 2013 at 12:41 pm
I have a quick question that just occurred to me – I wanted to know what you think about this. I’m sure you see many people taking pictures of themselves these days and anything revolving around them – 50 photos of them in the same pose, their food/breakfast/lunch/dinner, their purchases etc and just random silly things and posting them on facebook and wherever for other people to see/comment on. (cue eye rolls).
now, what do you think of people who go for professional photoshoots.. of themselves. Like they get their individual portraits taken by some professional and they do it annually. Would such a person strike you as narcissistic? I recently was speaking to a male friend and he told me he does this things like once or twice a year for himself cause he finds the shots tasteful and it’s fun. I couldn’t stop laughing when he showed me the photos.. I don’t know, it’s not something I would ever do for myself. But then again, he’s someone who’s very.. how should I describe it.. kind of a little different from your usual photo-whores. He just likes nice pictures. Nice pictures of himself and scenery. LOL. whenever he talks about a photo it’s usually how the photo turned out. This friend also happens to like to well, preen himself a lot. Needs to have nice hair, likes jewellery. For a man.. I find it quite… hilarious. hahahah. Combining all these I used to think he was a narcissist. Like completely self-absorbed and self-obsessed and not down-to-earth. at all. It bothered me cause he’s been expressing interest, and I’m also at the stage where I find him interesting, but am not sure whether to get turned off by such behaviour or not.
My question really is, how do you separate people who just genuinely enjoy doing things that makes them look good, doing things cause it’s aesthetically pleasing versus the people who are just plain narcissistic. Cause in this self-obsessed world where everyone loves to photograph themselves I’m finding it very hard to tell the difference. Needless to say, before I spoke to my friend, I thought he was vain and self-obsessed and wrote him off mentally. It was only after speaking to him that I realised he had a lot going on in his head which impressed me (his mbti type is an entp and I always tend to really admire xNTx types). Wondering how you would personally filter out the self-obsessed with those who seem self-obsessed but aren’t all that.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 16, 2013 at 8:28 am
Hi Evelyn,
QUOTE
Would such a person strike you as narcissistic?
/QUOTE
It depends.
A professional photo of self taken once a year isn’t necessarily proof of a personality disorder. However, unless one works in certain fields (eg. modeling), an entire yearly photoshoot of self probably is “overkill”.
As I’ve written recently, let’s not limit ourselves at what our five senses perceive, and let’s not stop at the literal datum.
We must gather other data to help interpret the original literal datum, and see if this leads to a DSM-IV diagnosis of some personality disorder.
Reasons to have an entire photoshoot of self once a year…
1. To keep the CV updated, since a photo can be part of the CV. Fair enough.
(But many times, a photo isn’t required in a CV, and can even be counterproductive – though if a very outdated picture is used, the CV can be perceived as a bit dishonest when the job interview comes).
2. For the social network profiles.
(If the guy uses various social networks to increase his business/job opportunities it’s understandable, otherwise he’s just “pimping his image”)
3. Life is short and we must “carpe diem”, seize the moment, as we age.
(But why only photos of self and scenery, without any other people or animals in the background? Besides, one usually doesn’t age much in a year! Seems a bit self-centric at this point).
4. He has a developed aesthetic sense and a taste for beautiful things.
(But why photos of self and scenery, with no beautiful architectural works/structures, museums, frescoes or statues in the background?)
5. He has a high opinion of himself.
(Quite possible… And this doesn’t necessarily mean that the opinion is based on facts, or that he has a high level of self-esteem).
Now, here is what I think.
CONCLUSION 1
This guy seems like he wants to be able to present only the best parts of himself and to hide the less pleasant sides of self.
In fact, he had many pictures of self taken by a PROFESSIONAL, which should guarantee that few “bad pictures” are produced in the first place, and so that among these (ALREADY GOOD) he can choose/keep/show only the best ones and hide/destroy the rest.
He also wears nice clothes and jewelry to further improve his image. Everyone must see him only at his best, God forbid that he forgets his gold watch at home or somebody see him with his hair uncombed!
CONCLUSION 2
This guy has a very high opinion of himself (right or wrong), but to the detriment of others.
If he can regularly afford nice clothes and jewelry, he probably has a good income and probably accomplished something in life. However, his flaws are not in the material world…
In his yearly photoshoot, only himself and the scenery are allowed.
There is NO PLACE FOR ANYONE ELSE. In his photos… And, maybe, even in his life. (Unlikely to change).
Let me underline that it’s not a party photoshoot, where just about everyone gets a chance of having a picture taken with him.
No, our image god must have all the stage for himself. HE is the most important person in his life. Hell, even the natural scenery that he loves so much goes into the background.
Which brings me to discuss another thing.
He seems to like Nature, so natural scenery is a must in his pictures.
But his aesthetic sense and taste seems all aimed at himself first and nature second (nature being instrumental to heightening the beauty of his own image). Let me repeat, he’s used Nature and jewels to improve his image; I wonder if he’s looking for a trophy girlfriend (as in, a girlfriend to display as a trophy) to further enhance his image.
No urban/human environments. In the background of his photos, as far as I know, there are no beautiful architectural works/structures, museums, churches, mosaics, frescoes or statues. Or people other than him (they must not be good or beautiful enough for him, haha).
FINAL THOUGHTS
My gut feeling (intuition) is that this guy is worshiping his own image, wants others to worship his image… This makes him feel good… But doesn’t want people for many other purposes.
You may actually have stumbled upon a Histrionic man. Or at least, he seems more Histrionic than Narcissist. “HPD affects four times as many women as men” and only up to 3% of the population… Still, you’ve probably met a man with HPD.
Double confirmation… You said that he “happens to like to well, preen himself a lot” and that “needs to have nice hair, likes jewellery. For a man.. (it is) quite… hilarious”. In other words, uncommon. Uncommon means, compatible with the above mentioned percentage and numbers (up to a fifth of 3% ie. up to 0.006% of the population)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder
“People affected by HPD are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious…”
(“a lot going on in his head which impressed me” you would say… also, remember that people can do the Myers-Briggs test wrong or may even lie about it! Is he truly an ENTP? Generally speaking, people can even lie to THEMSELVES when taking psychologic tests, to obtain the results they like best – because many can’t handle a truth colliding with their own self-image!)
Wikipedia goes on:
“People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation… Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.”
Manipulativeness is shared with the narcissistic profile; but for me, he’s mainly (at least mildly) HPD. Theatrical Histrionic is Millon’s subtype if you ask me:
“Affected, mannered, put-on; postures are striking, eyecatching, graphic; markets self-appearance; is synthesized, stagy; simulates desirable/dramatic poses.”
Of course I could be wrong… This is no diagnosis, I’m no psychologist/psychiatrist and my guess is as good as anyone else’s and I have very little information to work on. (I was right about Masturbation/Porn Guy, he wouldn’t get rid of his vices haha).
But if you have other questions, let me know. 🙂
Question Everything!
reality bites
Tuesday, October 22, 2013 at 2:40 am
QUOTE
how do you separate people who just genuinely enjoy doing things that makes them look good, doing things cause it’s aesthetically pleasing versus the people who are just plain narcissistic.
…
Wondering how you would personally filter out the self-obsessed with those who seem self-obsessed but aren’t all that.
/QUOTE
You must gather as much data as possible about the subject, then use reasoning and data management/interpretation theories to prove or disprove the original data.
It’s a lot of work, I know.
First, we must state our goals: to know the real personality of an individual.
Next, we decide the correct tools to use.
In our case, data interpretation theories are mainly contained within the DSM-IV manual and the psychometric models of personality analysis (such as the Myers-Briggs). These are our tools.
Next, we must remember that humans can lie, therefore data gathered from a human source can be false (and often is: people tend to create a “perfect image” that is not the truth).
But data analysis can help us see through the lies. New data can confirm old data or disprove it. In the end, a final judgement will be formed (more or less accurate based on our data and understanding of it).
Let’s suppose that a guy appears to be self-obsessed. That is the literal datum; our first impression, if you will. But is it true?
HYPOTHESIS A
After observing him a bit, you see that he acts like he’s the Chosen One and as if everyone else is inferior, revealing a “superiority belief”.
You two later have an argument and rather than admitting that your logic is superior to his, he stubbornly insists that he is right even though his reasoning is patently flawed.
At a dinner table, he serves himself first and either serves you AFTER him or even implies that you’ll have to serve yourself.
At some point, you ask him to please do/buy X for you and he invents a plausible excuse as to why he cannot. From voice analysis you get a nonverbal clue that it’s beneath him. Bonus points if the excuse is later proven false. In the following days, other similar requests are turned down time after time, with similar results.
You later discover that the guy treats everyone like s–t. Especially women. You know it because independent sources told you of certain negative episodes that stuck in their mind. After some talking, you determine that the sources are credible and not motivated by envy and don’t have old scores to settle.
Finally, you discover that his pictures are posted on the Internet EVERYWHERE and that he posts on frivolous forums here and there, where all he does is discussing the best hairdo or teaching the fastest way to grow some muscles (I’m sure he knows! haha). He even brags about himself being handsome or having visible six-pack abdominals. Bonus points if the muscular pictures are not his (reverse image search engines are your friends).
I don’t know about you, but I’d consider this guy as self-obsessed.
HYPOTHESIS B
Even though he cares for his image very much, your first impression was wrong.
You see that he is polite in his dealings with other people, who appreciate his presence and a few of them also want to hang out with him.
You discover that the guy volunteers at a local charity four hours a week. He helps them with accounting, since he works as accountant/consultant for a living.
You see several photos of him on the Internet, but they are mostly work-related. There, he discusses the best ways to cut costs by automating processes.
When you later have an argument with him, he understands that he’s wrong and that you have a point. He concedes that you may be right.
Finally, when you later go out, you both take the bus and you personally see him give his seat to an elderly woman (not in bad shape) as a gesture of courtesy.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rate this guy much higher than the other one (in Hypothesis A). This guy of Hypothesis B doesn’t seem self-obsessed to me.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Sure, some people may be extraordinary liars and manage to fool somebody, but remember the proverb, “a lie has no legs”: the truth will come out sooner or later. It is only a matter of whether it’s before or after becoming romantically involved with the liar…
Therefore, let’s become expert information hunters/gatherers and interpreters. 🙂 That way we won’t be easily fooled/scammed. It is a travel, not a destination… One can only get better as time goes by.
Discovering the truth takes time, effort and sometimes luck. It is a skill to be honed. I’ve simplified things very much but I think I’ve briefly explained the essential points.
Anyway, I hope this helps and let me know if you have other questions. 🙂 If I’ve been unclear, incoherent or inconcludent… It’s because I badly need some sleep haha.
reality bites
Tuesday, October 22, 2013 at 6:42 am
Thanks for the very detailed explanation! I guess things need to be taken as a whole. I have an issue with people though – I tend to quickly write people off after observing certain aspects of them. Might work well in an environment where I need to size people off quickly, but I have written out people too quickly in the past. Not sure why I do that. But I tend to be neutral/dislike people in general so it doesn’t bother me too much – yet- hahahahaha.
Evelyn
Monday, October 28, 2013 at 12:48 pm
Don’t mention it. 🙂
You do well in being very protective of yourself. In fact, it is mandatory to look for negative behavior and aspects in the subject/target – “red flags”, if you will.
Two instances of a certain negative behavior, or one single particularly intense instance of negative behavior warn you that you may want to exclude that person from your life before (s)he even becomes a part of it.
For example: everyone can have a fit of rage every now and then. But if the episode is particularly intense and unjustified, or if it’s not the first time, then the subject should be avoided and possibly even excluded from your life.
Again, one single particularly intense episode of negative behavior OR repeated mild negative episodes are grounds for termination of human contact.
Once a subject has been excluded from your life (because you decided that the negative behavior is a sure sign of a persistent negative personality trait), if (s)he wants to be a part of your life you should say “Then change behavior X”. And in my humble opinion, you shouldn’t give the subject a second chance before six months of time because one can hardly change his/her personality before then.
For example, if you visit a man’s home and he says “Sorry for the mess, I’ve just moved here” and one month later his home is still a disorderly mess, exclude him from your life. A disorderly or liar man would make a nightmare husband.
The real problem will be identifying the (thankfully few) extraordinary actors/liars who do not display (in front of you…) ANY negative behavior/aspects for months or even years. They are the most dangerous species.
reality bites
Tuesday, October 29, 2013 at 2:18 pm
Speaking about red flags, I tend to use this as a general guideline and find it quite helpful: emotional instability. Now this is a very wide range of characteristics/behaviours, but I tend to find that people who experience negative emotions more often than not and have no qualms about affecting other people around them as and when they want to with these negative emotions need to be avoided at all costs. So I tend to avoid the ones who always seem to be bitter about something/angry about something or angers easily, gets upset/sad easily and/or quarrelsome. Actually, even those who experience constant highs/positive experiences need to be kept at arm’s length (they need to get their heads checked) but I don’t find them as toxic as the ones constantly spewing negative emotion and affecting everyone around them. I also tend to avoid the bitchy ones ie: the ones who are sarcastic to everyone around them and act as if everyone owes them a living. This is usually a sign of arrogance and a superiority (or maybe inferiority?) complex.
this is just from observation – but people that I’ve known who react in a negative way emotionally to things tend to also be very unbalanced in many other areas of life: materialistic/questionable lifestyles/irresponsible/liars/alcoholics you name it. I think that emotional stability is a huge sign of a developed personality, someone who acknowledges that we all have our off-days, but has managed to acquire the skills to manage their emotions well. They might feel angry at that bunch of assholes who cut their queue, but they get over it quickly.
I’m not saying that people can’t express their emotions, but I do think there’s a time and place to do so and the proper way to do it. A lot of people simply ‘take it out’ on others. I don’t feel that anyone has the ‘right’ to do that.
It might be my gravitation towards emotional stability and cause I really dislike conflict (hence I really loathe people/friends who want to pick a fight over an issue that can be solved by talking nicely), but I really dislike emotional people. I’ve weeded all these.. emotional pests (mostly women, not surprising eh) out of my life and keep those that are very logical and sane by my side. Needless to say, most of my friends both male and female are of the xSTx/xNTx MBTI types. If you are going to pick a fight with me whilst i’m at work over a simple scheduling for a social event or act like a quarrelsome self-centred bitch although you are three hours late and I’m still waiting you for u at a place 2 hours away from my house (and have always late to any meetup with me), sorry, you don’t deserve my respect or time. Neither do you deserve to be in my inner circle or in my life. get out!
Evelyn
Thursday, October 31, 2013 at 3:04 pm
Hi Evelyn,
Most avatars (ours included) in this blog have been replaced by “On/Off Button” avatars… Except a privileged few, because they had used personalized (non-standard) avatars. Very strange… Hopefully it’s a temporary error.
Anyway I wonder if we should find a secondary blog (preferably allowing anonymous posts) to write on if/when this main/primary blog crashes or is deleted.
reality bites
Friday, October 25, 2013 at 10:02 am
On/Off Button avatars? What is that?
I think we should find an alternative. I’m not sure what blogs/webpages are out there to continue our discussions peacefully without having to fight off trolls constantly. I’m thinking blogs which are kinda abandoned by their owners like this one should work very well.
Evelyn
Monday, October 28, 2013 at 12:26 pm
The avatar, as you know, is the poster’s portrait or iconic symbol. On this blog, the avatar is displayed on the right of the message, near the poster’s name and posting date.
Until recently, the icons for anonymous posters were assigned based on the poster’s e-mail address.
QUOTE
On/Off Button avatars? What is that?
/QUOTE
Now, for no apparent reason, the funny icons/avatars of the anonymous posters have been replaced by “Monitor Power On/Power Off” blue button icons. Or at least… I can’t see the former avatars/icons of anonymous posters anymore.
Your avatar/icon was the “sproingy smoochy scorpion”; I miss her already haha.
QUOTE
blogs which are kinda abandoned by their owners like this one should work very well.
/QUOTE
I agree. Semi-abandoned is good. For now we’ll stay here but if I find a better blog I’ll post the address here. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, October 28, 2013 at 9:31 pm
oh ok I get what you mean. Hmm. could it be the way your computer loads the site? Cause I can still see our avatars. My lovely scorpion lol and your blue little.. man. haha.
Evelyn
Thursday, October 31, 2013 at 3:08 pm
there was also something that I was pondering about recently that I want to ask about. I think I mentioned this to you in the previous blog, but might not have asked the same question. So here it is: what is a child/teen to do when his/her parents don’t get along? And especially if the child does not have siblings? I define a child/teen here as someone who isnt old enough to support themselves in any way – especially financial support. Say, they have heated quarrels occasionally, show their irritation/anger/disgust at the other on a frequent basis, their relationship seems to be always an emotional rollercoaster ride – one day they are speaking, the next day they are irritated at each other over something really insignificant, both parents badmouth the other to the kid, there’s also physical abuse although it’s nothing too serious (relatively) that warrants any sort of hospitalization etc.
What’s a child to do? Especially if they do not have siblings, and especially if the parents are not keen on any ‘outside interference’ – meaning, they are ’embarrassed’ about letting friends and family know about the conflicts and abuse and try as hard as possible to hide it from everyone.
I was just thinking of my younger self over the weekend and was feeling very sorry for myself. I remember the utter helplessness I used to feel in these situations. I’m not sure how it didn’t seriously affect my personality (but then again, I tend to daydream abit and tune out my reality sometimes) and how come I seemed to do nothing about it when I was younger (just lived with it). And it doesn’t help that my country being an Asian one has very limited outreach/welfare places for people in such situations, that singles can’t buy a house til you are 35, and that outsiders (including extended family members) tend not to want to get involved because ‘it’s not their problem’ and people don’t like to tell others about their family issues cause it’s so ’embarrassing’ and ‘face-losing’. (rolls eyes majorly). This is the thing I absolutely hate about Asian culture, they would rather die in some situations than seek help all because of their silly face-saving nonsense.
I’m thinking a sibling might help a little better but I have none. I was also thinking back to the days when my mother used to hoard stuff big time (she still does) and my dad would bring cleaners to come and throw out her stuff when she wasn’t at home. I mean, what would you have done in that situation? You wake up one morning, your mum isn’t in, you are enjoying your breakfast and your dad walks in and tells you that some cleaners – complete strangers by the way – would be coming in to throw out her stuff. What would you do? Call a relative (which I did in the end), call the police? What? What is a 19 year old girl completely helpless in such a situation do? Especially when you have a dad known for violent temper tantrums?
My parents have toned down a lot less but they still do have childish tiffs. And going on any holiday with them is absolutely stressful and such a killjoy. Actually, living with them is a pain too, half the time.
I believe I have coped with it well but I actually do suffer from anxiety issues. I’m not sure how serious it is, but when i’m faced with any uncertainty, I usually react with anxiety and pessimism. And I try to find things about the situation that will prove my perception bias – that the situation will end in doom. This also goes for guys/relationships i’m starting and I observe every single flaw (taking professional photos of himself for instance hahaha), jump to a conclusion and then cross that person out. At home, I tend to be in a vigilant mode.. not by choice, but I tend to survey the atmosphere/people for any clues that they are going to get pissed off with each other and then try to do something to pre-empt that. It probably sounds very silly but I tend to do that very often and find myself sometimes, not being able to have a peace of mind and be myself at home.
I wonder how do I overcome all that? My mum still hoards things and my dad gets annoyed. Some people have told me to ignore it as it is not my ‘business’. But excuse me, I live in the same place as these people and if they ever have a tiff over the hoarding, it affects my mood, my entire being for the whole day. So how is it not my business?! I solely blame my parents for this anxiety that I have. It is not affected me to a large degree, I am aware of it and am always trying to break out of it. But if not for them, this would not happen and I hugely resent them for bringing me into this world when they aren’t even getting along. I’m an innocent party. I feel very revengeful at times, and do want to take it out on time in a very big way and stamp my authority all over them in future, for instance limiting contacting between them and my kids, because of this. It sounds very mean and I probably wouldn’t do it, but I never know.. I do have a very, very nasty, unforgiving side that comes out when pushed too much over my level of tolerance.
Very long post but wanted to know what you think!
Evelyn
Monday, October 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Hello Evelyn,
It is an IMMENSELY complex and delicate topic, one that certainly can’t be covered with a two-lines reply. Let’s try and “eat the elephant one bite at a time” haha.
For now, allow me to start replying by discussing the MACROSCOPIC problem that’s beneath our eyes. In other words, the SOCIETAL-wide problem rather than the problem of the single child/teen.
I have seen countless “families” that are nothing more than loveless random agglomerates of humans: started by physical attraction (they erroneously call it “love”) between two individuals (usually with SERIOUS issues), incremented by procreative “feel good” ignorant ideas and held together only by economic necessity, despair and yet more ignorance.
Many such “families” are also the breeding grounds for the next generation of losers, because many times the grown children perpetuate their parents’ mistakes since, well, they don’t know any better!
Needless to say, that is the WRONG kind of family. Again, a loveless agglomerate of aleatorily-selected humans created by: ignorance, economic necessity and despair.
My “quick reply” is that yes, ignorant losers should be forbidden from ever procreating, and this would solve MANY problems. At the source. Before they have a chance to even happen.
HOWEVER, society won’t improve if we ask dictatorial governments to solve the problem; they are only interested in enslaving us for their own benefit (in fact, practically ALL current governments are dystopian and have a vested interest in making things WORSE, not better, for the next generations). I have yet to see one “just” government that would be able to enforce procreative restrictions and the connected moral precepts without causing untold grief to the people it rules.
So, the (long-term) freedom-based solution is “simply” to ENLIGHTEN THE MASSES by releasing to the public reality-based information about how a Family is supposed to be (formed). Teaching people to stay virgin until marriage and why, how to choose their spouse and how to raise a PROPER, happy Family (heterosexual couple + eventual children).
Only when the majority of population starts following GOOD family-creation rules (the “best practices” we could say), will things improve for human societies of the world (and for the next generations).
And that was my brief explanation of the MACROSCOPIC problem and its main solution.
Soon, I’ll discuss the MICROSCOPIC problem – the problem of the single child/teen trapped in a “horror family”.
(If you want, by all means, feel free to comment while I write my next message(s)!)
reality bites
Sunday, November 3, 2013 at 3:03 am
QUOTE
what is a child/teen to do
/QUOTE
A very broad and somewhat daunting question! But I’ll do my best to reply! I’ll need to do a series of posts and they’ll be long, so bear with me. Anyway, as promised…
Here is some advice for people (especially children/teens) trapped in a “horror family”.
Evelyn, please understand that this is general advice aimed at readers in general; a specific reply meant just for you will soon follow.
THE OBVIOUS AND NOT-SO-OBVIOUS STUFF
First, the obvious stuff.
Being threatened or verbally/physically abused is NEVER ok. ESPECIALLY if parents or relatives are the abusers.
Even forcing you to listen to their stupid YELLING CONTESTS and unwanted drama is domestic violence!
It is true that the majority of people, perhaps most, won’t change; except for the worse. Especially abusers. So, don’t waste time trying to change them: almost always, they won’t.
Anyway… Abusers don’t deserve any love. Quite the contrary. NEVER love your abusers! This would destroy your soul. They must ALWAYS be the secret object of your utmost contempt!
WHAT ABOUT PHYSICAL VIOLENCE?
Assault and rape are NEVER acceptable; should you ever be victim of violent crimes… don’t hesitate to contact the police (and shelter associations, along with any helpful relatives/friends). All the while, be strong and proceed with your “happiness plan” (more later).
GETTING TO THE POINT…
So, the best and most rational course of action should be this.
– Carefully evaluate your situation: threats and opportunities present in your environment.
– Plan your “escape” from a situation that can and very often gets only worse and worse as time goes by.
– “Escape”, but only when you are fully convinced AND objectively ready to do so.
That said, your mind will now have to absorb the philosophical stuff necessary for your success at the game of survival you’re forced to play.
YOUR ORIGINS
No matter what brought you into this world and put you in your current difficult situation (ie. immature, egoistic, evil/abusive parents; unloving relatives; mean neighbors; oppressive governments), you are here on Planet Earth now and you have to fight for your rights. Nobody will do it for you.
And although you may meet a few people who’ll give you some help sometimes… Never forget that it’s your war, not theirs.
(Long post. Put on some “mood music” while I write my next one…)
reality bites
Thursday, November 7, 2013 at 6:43 am
YOUR GOALS
Being happy is your right and your ultimate goal. There is no higher goal than this.
Achieve it at all costs, and may woes befall all that will oppose you.
FRIEND OR FOE?
Anybody who actively tries to prevent you from achieving happiness is your sworn enemy (ESPECIALLY if they are related by blood to you).
Like it or not.
We were not born to hate. But if the people who should have loved us… hate us and abuse us instead… it is time to review our personal “map of friends and foes”.
It’s not easy, especially for a child/teen, but it must be done in order to survive and stay mentally sane.
So, think of all people you know and IN YOUR MIND label them “friend” if they consistently treat you well, or “foe” if they treat you badly. This, independently from blood ties. ONLY BEHAVIOR MATTERS. Again: BEHAVIOR, not blood ties, is what matters when evaluating a person. So if “sweet daddy” is a narcissist psychopath yelling at you all day and maybe beating you… He’s NOT your ally, period.
Also, beware! A few people with hidden purposes will try to fool you by appearing as “friend” on your radar, whereas they are “foe” instead (because they want to exploit you).
And remember, dear reader: if you are an orphan, or if you have no siblings, comfort yourself by remembering that people more unfortunate than you HAVE THE WRONG PARENTS OR SIBLINGS playing in the ADVERSARY TEAM.
So, dear reader, accept that there are some terrible parents, terrible siblings, terrible relatives, mean neighbors, liberty-crushing governments and some REALLY EVIL SADISTIC people on this world.
Accept this fact, exclude them all from your life as much as you can, and move on. I guarantee that FAR better people exist on this world. People FAR worthier of being called “family”.
(I’ll write more after a break – stay tuned!)
reality bites
Thursday, November 7, 2013 at 7:50 am
(Posting problems – testing the posting system… ok test successful)
reality bites
Friday, November 8, 2013 at 5:49 am
(Continues from previous post)
SO…?
So, dear reader, since you can’t change people and especially people who ruin your life, and given that you probably have few if any allies… what to do?
There is a difficult “road to freedom” in front of you, and the sooner you start your journey the better.
BE HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND SAVE!
Respect all laws and be honest. You’ll end up losing your liberty, money and good reputation if you don’t.
Study as hard as you can, until you earn the highest educational title that you can and want to earn. It will allow you to earn more when you will work. At the same time…
In your spare time, work (as soon, and as much, as the law allows you). Any honest job will do but remember that (just like your educational title) your job should allow you to utilize and hone your unique skills, yes you do have them dear reader (discover and use them). Having said that… of course a higher-paying job is good as long as the hourly net earnings (after expenses and taxes) are higher and you don’t hate the job.
Don’t waste money on junk, and don’t throw money on unnecessary expenses. Save every cent you can, stash your money in a secret place/account (and be as silent as possible about it, or somebody will find a way to take it away from you one way or the other – you better believe this one, friend).
Trust me, the time will come when you’ll want to buy a car (for work), start a business or expatriate and you’ll regret that you don’t have enough money to do it. Except if you followed my advice and saved money when many other people would have spent most of it and then some, the idiots.
So, be extraordinarily wise for your age and quietly save all the money you can. Because you’ll need it.
Returning to the topic of time… don’t waste time on unnecessary social relations: true friends will be few, far between and precious, all other people are NOWHERE as important. At the same time, cultivate the best business/work relationships that will allow you to earn more and faster. Be selective about whom you associate with!
Reserve daily time for sleeping well (6 hours per day minimum) and a couple of hours for restful activities away from abusers. Otherwise you may go insane or suffer a mental breakdown.
(To be continued ASAP…)
reality bites
Friday, November 8, 2013 at 5:54 am
SURVIVAL SKILLS
In order to better survive abuse from the “bad guys” while you are trapped with them… consider mastering the following “survival skills”.
Beware: these “dark skills”, once acquired and developed, will often negatively impact personality, eventually becoming negative personality traits that will accompany you throughout your life. (More stuff to thank your abusers for). I know few people who, having developed said skills, have reverted back to their “innocent” lifestyle when the emergency was over. However it’s not impossible, because willpower ultimately trumps all.
The “survival skills” are:
#1 – SECRECY (tier 1, the most basic survival skill)
You must not reveal your intentions – especially your HAPPINESS PLAN – to HOSTILE SUBJECTS.
Believe me that when your mediocre enemies understand that you are on your way to become happy, more powerful, wealthier and free (especially from their influence), they WILL oppose and try to “punish” you. I guarantee that.
So… Don’t speak to abusive parents or envious siblings of your plans to save money to leave home, or anything like that, if at all possible. Slavers don’t like it when their slave wants to escape from their slavepen! At the very least, you’d trigger a hail of unwanted questions that would beg more questions that would beg more questions… For quite a while.
Also, use your judgment in deciding when to hide your emotions. Some people genuinely enjoy killing your joy (positive emotions) by making you feel bad, and feed on any negative emotions (fear, doubt, confusion, anxiety, etc.) that you may be experiencing. Needless to say, you don’t need such EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES in your life! (Emotional vampires… Remember that expression well).
I almost forgot… If possible, don’t openly show hostility to somebody whose resources you may need later.
Anyway the most general possible rule regarding secrecy is: don’t make your thoughts and actions public, at least not too much, unless it’s absolutely necessary. Secrecy can actually be a good thing, and I consider it a “gray skill” rather than a “black skill”.
#2 – LYING (tier 2, the borderline skill)
Lies are a powerful tool, can help you conceal things better; but always remember these rules:
ALWAYS tell the truth when questioned by authorities, or you’ll be in more trouble than you can imagine!
But you can lie to others, if ALL these conditions are met:
1) you have good memory,
2) you are CERTAIN that you won’t get caught (otherwise people will consider you a liar and stop believing you!), and
3) it’s NECESSARY to protect your peace of mind, personal whereabouts, wallet or other primary good.
NEVER lie if this would endanger your life: criminals invariably become ferocious when they discover they’ve been lied to!
Long ago, a guy I know used a lie to buy time and successfully sprinted away, avoiding a thorough beating by multiple bullies, but it was a risky proposition!
Anyway, tell the truth if you can’t lie convincingly, and consider staying silent if you can’t tell an ugly or counterproductive truth.
#3 – DUPLICITY (tier 3, the treacherous skill)
Be a great actor/actress. Examples:
1) Cry misery while you stash any and all the cash you earn into a secret safe place/account.
2) While you help your “family” with housekeeping chores… do your secret preparations for leaving house and moving to a better place once and for all, never to look back.
Etc. You get the idea. Let people believe what they want… But ultimately do what you want and serve only yourself.
P.S.
Forgiveness, what skill is that? Forgive your abusers?
I don’t recommend it in most cases. People seldom repent and often redo the very same mistakes (at your expense; they consider you their guinea pig, after all!).
In any case… Don’t feel obliged to forgive somebody who hasn’t asked forgiveness.
And in the rare event that somebody asks to be forgiven… Beware of people who pretend to be sorry (because they need you) but aren’t.
(End of general “domestic survival” advice for readers… Sorry for the extreme length of my posts. Specific advice for Evelyn will follow next after a break! You’re on Reality Bites Channel! 😀 )
reality bites
Saturday, November 9, 2013 at 5:38 am
QUOTE
People seldom repent and often REDO the very same mistakes
/QUOTE
Aaargh! I meant: People often make the very same mistakes over and over again.
Damn, I sure need to sleep more. And an edit button. Haha. (To be continued)
reality bites
Saturday, November 9, 2013 at 5:53 am
Hi Evelyn, finally here is some specific advice for your difficult situation. Sorry for the wait but I was doing a bit of reading haha. Also reading my previous advice given to you (on the old EWB blog) saved on my hard disk.
I’m reading much data about your extremely complex country… I think I know where it is, thanks to the clues you posted. I’ll simply call it “your country” without naming it, to preserve your privacy.
I’ve understood that you live in a certain Asian developed country (surrounded by third world countries) with rigid real-estate purchase rules.
Since you can’t change your parents’ behavior or legally buy real estate yet… You must plan your next moves carefully, since they’ll determine the quality of your life in the next years.
I’ll list your main options.
1) To stay with your parents until you are old enough to buy a house in your country as a single… or until you’re married to the right man.
2) To rent an apartment in your country.
3) To expatriate.
Each option has pros and cons. Let’s discuss them.
1) Staying with your parents until a major event happens in your life.
Saving much on expenses, but at the cost of suffering many more years of domestic abuse. More abuse is not what you want… And would probably drive you insane over time. Also, the pressure to marry is very high since in your country, married couples can buy real estate at a much younger age compared to singles – and while I understand the causes behind this demographic policy, a woman must choose her husband very carefully and not in a hurry just to leave a “madhouse”. Countless are the stories of women who married the wrong men out of necessity, and such stories are not pretty.
Side note… Buying a house in someone else’s name may be illegal, I understand that someone probably does it but I don’t recommend it.
2) Paying rent.
You need a high income or you won’t be able to afford renting an apartment in your country. In other words, you either (for example) have two jobs, or become manager/CEO of a profitable company, or become a skilled financial derivatives investor, or successful freelance consultant, or share expenses with emotionally stable and reliable co-renters, or you can’t afford it. And if you do manage to afford it… The rent would be a waste of money – months or years of earnings gone without acquiring ownership of real estate or saving for the future. But you’d have a more peaceful place to live in (if the apartment is chosen carefully – no excessively noisy neighbors or co-renters, etc. or it would be a living hell all over again, only much more costly!)
3) Expatriate.
This would bring you the farthest away from domestic abuse. Great. But it’s not easy and presents several problems that will have to be solved, and there are several important choices to make.
There are numerous factors to consider when choosing the country you want to live in. Race, culture, language, citizenship, friendliness to immigrants, age, educational system differences, cost of living, fiscal benefits etc. I’m trying to consider them all in my reply.
Hong Kong (though no longer an independent country) would look like a good place to live. You’d probably feel at home – and there are many fiscal benefits, including low or no taxes depending on your activity. For example, there is no capital gains tax, no withholding taxes, no sales tax, no GST, no VAT… Oh and no real estate tax. I’ve also read that there has been a huge drop in real estate prices… Very good for buyers. But if you rent an apartment, remember to always pay in time since the law is pro-landlord.
http://www.lowtax.net/lowtax/html/hongkong/jhktax.html
In Australia you’d certainly have more freedom and more rights, but even though there’s a strong community compatible with your origins you’d always be a minority and probably always be seen as a foreigner; and taxes are higher.
Anyway, if I’ve understood your origins and culture correctly, major towns around the world often have a special district where you can feel right at home, among individuals of your kind.
Moving on…
Considerations about moving overseas… U.S.A.? Don’t even think about it. High taxes (and the IRS will closely watch your earnings WORLDWIDE if you become a citizen), high real-estate prices, draconian laws and shrinking freedom of speech. Thinking of Canada? Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal have support communities. There is less crime than the U.S.A.; but colder climate, higher taxes and… I’ve heard, quite relaxed sexual moral… Eek.
Europe? Hmm. Let me see…
England: London, Manchester, Birmingham, Liverpool all have strong communities supportive to people of your origins. Most work opportunities should be in London.
France: very cosmopolitan; your best place would be in Paris, the Belleville neighbourhood.
Germany: Berlin, possibly. Belgium: Antwerp.
reality bites
Sunday, November 10, 2013 at 7:23 am
CONCLUSIONS
Final thoughts…
1) Marrying the wrong man or living with your parents much longer would make your life a living hell and may drive you insane over time. Sorry for repeating myself but I wanted to underline this!
2) To rent an apartment in your country, you’ll have to pay rent with reliable co-renters and/or earn more. If you find a better-paid stable job, consider “jumping ship”, otherwise you may find a second job as domestic helper or a flexible, “portable” activity that has to do with the Internet (for example, investing on financial derivatives – investing IS about psychology after all – but you must know very well what you’re doing or you’ll lose much money).
3) Expatriating and living in a better country with more relaxed rules (especially regarding real-estate) would probably be a corageous choice but also the best one. Maybe expatriate with your best female friends? Something to consider. Especially since you and any future children will over time have the opportunity to acquire a second citizenship with all connected rights.
4) Bonus thoughts (for rewarding your reading patience): the behavior problems of people often depend from wrong beliefs and negative emotions. For example, hoarding is rooted in the fear of the unknown and of the future. Temper tantrums are a way of saying, “Hey, look at me, I’m the Alpha here! Do what I say or else!” – attention seeking and marking one’s territory, and also reinforcing own’s sense of omnipotence. Read this interesting page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantrum
“Heinz Kohut contended that ‘the infant’s core is likely to contain a SELF-CENTRED, GRANDIOSE-EXHIBITIONIST PART’, and that ‘tantrums at being frustrated thus represent NARCISSISTIC RAGES'[17] at the blow to the INFLATED SELF-IMAGE. With ‘a child confronted with some refusal…regardless of its justifications, the refusal automatically provokes fury, since it offends his sense of omnipotence’.” Narcissistic rage… Lots to read and to say on this expression. I can imagine some conversations going on in your household… “Throw your stuff NOW!”, “No!”, “YES YOU WILL! ACTUALLY I’M THROWING YOUR GARBAGE OUT!” and objects flying through the room… It must not be pretty. 😦
5) More bonus thoughts… Yes, you are an innocent party. You have no obligation to forgive your parents, not even if they were to ask forgiveness. Keeping your future kids away from your parents would probably be a good thing, since they’ve caused you much grief and would likely spoil your kids as well.
I’m not saying that you must hate your parents… Yes, they brought you into this world, so what? That’s not quite enough to love two individuals (who can’t even get along). What about the difficult negative conditions you’ve been forced to face because of them? I wouldn’t thank such parents. Who cares about good intentions, when they’re so untreatable and such a constant mental energy drain? The hardships you’ve been put through are all too real! Years of psychologic/emotional trauma and economic difficulties, you’re probably thinking by now “thanks dear parents for wasting years of my life”! Not.
Finally, remember: a quick succession of “I love you”/”I hate you” thoughts about the very same people will only cause a mental breakdown within a few years. The mind doesn’t react well to emotional confusion! You need mental stability at all costs – an orderly world, and lasting peace of mind!
This is why I recommend “not loving” your parents. They seem unstable people and the farther away you manage to escape, the better for your mental health! Again, I’m not saying to hate your parents, at least “do not love” them! Your mind will thank you. You’ll feel better, trust me! Find an alternative “emotional support system” elsewhere, an alternate “family” to go to, composed of far better people: you’ll be glad you did!
That’s all for now… Sorry for the post length and for my ignorance about your country, I’ve written my best reply after much reading and thinking. Feel free to share your thoughts (in fact, I look forward to reading any that you may have) and to ask more questions. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, November 10, 2013 at 8:33 am
QUOTE
Keeping your future kids away from your parents would probably be a good thing, since they’ve caused you much grief and would likely spoil your kids as well.
/QUOTE
I meant, though you resisted your parents’ negative influence quite well, your future kids’ personality would be negatively influenced if you allowed your parents to spend too much time with them.
Should you decide to have kids at some point… Remember a few things:
1) Although you spent your childhood in a “nightmare household”… You (and your wisely-chosen husband) will be far better parents than your parents ever were! 🙂
2) Your kids will be YOUR kids, NOT your parents’ kids… Although they are not your property, you certainly have the moral right and duty to exclude negative subjects from their life, to protect them. So… If your parents are irredeemable negative examples… Yes to “granny/grandpa embargo”! Haha.
reality bites
Sunday, November 10, 2013 at 9:16 am
A decent book to read on the topic of parental domestic abuse is:
“Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Dr. Susan Forward.
The latest edition (new or used) is still available for purchase in various online book stores.
You can read small excerpts here (including some typical reactions of toxic parents when confronted with their actions):
http://www.travelin-tigers.com/zlyn/bktoxic.htm
On Amazon.com you can “Look Inside!” and read numerous pages of this book. The general index of contents is interesting!
reality bites
Sunday, November 10, 2013 at 10:25 pm
interesting take on the power of sex and its misuse in modern day society.
http://embodyilluminati.tumblr.com/post/65548073375/the-effects-of-a-sexualized-society-the
Evelyn
Monday, November 4, 2013 at 7:25 am
Thanks for posting a link to this article. Interesting stuff.
Indeed, sex is one of the most powerful forces in nature; and many don’t use it correctly.
I’ll comment on a few points written by the author.
“Among those who abuse sex there will never be a great conqueror, or a philosopher, etc…”
Alexander the Great conqueror is rumored to have had homosexual relationship(s). As did many Ancient Greek philosophers. Of course I’m not writing this to excuse such squalid, deviant behavior. Far from it. I’m just correcting an excessively peremptory statement.
Anyway I believe that, had Alexander spent more time trying to generate more heirs in the way Nature intended, his empire wouldn’t have crumbled with remarkable speed soon after his death, divided among his warring generals…
“The sex is the energy supply of the human body and when we waste it due to abuse, our sexual energy, The human machine begins to fail, increasing illness and sending us faster to the grave. The wise use of sex rejuvenates and those who use it wisely will keep their youth for a long time, will develop internal powers, revitalize their bodies, will heal from illness, and also heal other people.”
Sex performed in the correct environment and in the right way has been proven to be beneficial for health, boosting the immune system, improving the senses, etc.
Eastern philosophy even studied, centuries ago, how excessive ejaculation reduces the lifespan and health of the individual.
http://www.1vigor.com/article/ejaculation-frequency/index.html
“Humanity has confused passion with love. Love is unknown, and that’s why there are many tragedies, and broken homes.”
This is probably the most important part in the whole article. One that we can hardly disagree with.
reality bites
Monday, November 4, 2013 at 12:12 pm
SO…?
So, dear reader, since you can’t change people and especially people who ruin your life, and given that you probably have few if any allies… what to do?
There is a difficult “road to freedom” in front of you, and the sooner you start your journey the better.
BE HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND SAVE!
Respect all laws and be honest. You’ll end up losing your liberty, money and good reputation if you don’t.
Study as hard as you can, until you earn the highest educational title that you can and want to earn. It will allow you to earn more when you will work. At the same time…
In your spare time, work (as soon, and as much, as the law allows you). Any honest job will do but remember that (just like your educational title) your job should allow you to utilize and hone your unique skills, yes you do have them dear reader (discover and use them). Having said that… of course a higher-paying job is good as long as the hourly net earnings (after expenses and taxes) are higher and you don’t hate the job.
Don’t waste money on junk, and don’t throw money on unnecessary expenses. Save every cent you can, stash your money in a secret place/account (and be as silent as possible about it, or somebody will find a way to take it away from you one way or the other – you better believe this one, friend).
Trust me, the time will come when you’ll want to buy a car (for work), start a business or expatriate and you’ll regret that you don’t have enough money to do it. Except if you followed my advice and saved money when many other people would have spent most of it and then some, the idiots.
So, be extraordinarily wise for your age and quietly save all the money you can. Because you’ll need it.
Returning to the topic of time… don’t waste time on unnecessary social relations: true friends will be few, far between and precious, all other people are NOWHERE as important. At the same time, cultivate the best business/work relationships that will allow you to earn more and faster. Be selective about whom you associate with!
Reserve daily time for sleeping well (6 hours per day minimum) and a couple of hours for restful activities away from abusers. Otherwise you may go insane or suffer a mental breakdown.
(To be continued ASAP…)
reality bites
Friday, November 8, 2013 at 5:46 am
This post was a double post, please ignore it… Follow Evelyn’s thread above instead. Don’t know the technical causes of my recent posting problems… Perhaps something to do with Java settings.
reality bites
Friday, November 8, 2013 at 5:59 am
Hello Evelyn,
Hopefully I haven’t posted anything offensive (if I have, it wasn’t my intention so if that’s the case please accept my apologies).
I simply wanted to call things by their true name (eg. your parents forcing you to hear their screams is “domestic abuse”), it may be unpleasant but I felt I had to say that. (That said, I sincerely believe you also wanted to know what I think of your parents, so forgive me if I took the freedom to put it in writing).
You’re essentially trapped between two very conflictual parents, who (unfortunately) seem to have little to no probability of changing for the better. So I believe I did the right thing in telling you to, basically, escape (details provided above) as it seems the only rational long-term solution.
I must say that your country’s policies are a major part of the problem though. Good legislative intentions, but numerous bad effects; denying a home to below-35 singles in itself won’t automatically lead to the formation of new “quality families” as if by miracle. Something else is needed, or this law will only lead to bad decisions (eg. hurried marriages) and different types of sorrow (eg. dependence on a “nightmare household”).
If a law should be passed, perhaps it should deny the “right to marry” to people who don’t pass two tests, a “personality test” banning people with mild-to-serious personality disorders (psychopaths, narcissists, etc.) from marrying (until objectively reformed… which for some means, forever) and a “knowledge test” ascertaining that both subjects know all that it takes to successfully start a new family.
But there is no easy way to implement this and as you know, there is not one government today that wouldn’t turn this possibly good idea into a sad excuse for dictatorial control over people’s lives.
Above all, people’s culture must change; they must be encouraged to improve their personality before starting a new family. That’s the entire core of the problem. Parents must willingly adopt a sound “moral code” and encourage their children to love it and to willingly adopt it as well.
What do you think? I hand over the keyboard to you. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, November 26, 2013 at 6:03 pm
Hey RealityBites! 😀
Really sorry I was away for a bit. I actually typed up a response at work, hit send, but my computer hanged and I got distracted. Wanted to respond over the weekend, but was busy sprincleaning sigh.And nope I wasn’t offended in any way by your replies, so please don’t worry! I get offended by most people in public and by society in general, but not by RealityBites, so don’t worry about it 😀
Yes, I think a test should be passed before people are allowed to marry or even allowed to have kids. I read a British publication called the DailyMail, and the number of trashy men and women getting together (and not even marrying in some cases) to have kids is disgusting.
And nope, my parents will never improve sadly. In fact they had one episode last sunday when my dad almost hit my mum. That was when I truly realised, no amount of talking/counselling will ever help people like that. And i really should just care more about myself and my life/future. This is one reason why I’ve never wanted to be a counsellor by the way, I think I would be extremely depressed at the number of cases that fail.
And you are right, my country isn’t exactly a very pleasant place to live in. The standard of living is rising everyday yet wages stay the same. There are tons of policies around housing, health, personal finances a person has to navigate, and it makes buying a house or a car for instance, terribly unpleasant. It results in situations where people like me are trapped (I’ve friends with more abusive family situations who are also in the same state as me). And it results in even more social problems when couples who are thinking of houses have to buy a house BEFORE they marry. I mean how ridiculous is this? There are numerous cases of people who buy the house and are about to marry before someone has cold feet and chickens out or cheats on their partner. These things create a lot of social problems.
Rent here is also extremely expensive and getting worst, which is why it’s not a good option too. The only way I would rent, is when I get a chance to rent out an entire flat or something. No way in hell am I sharing my space with complete strangers. =/
Also, I thought about the countries you listed. Canada.. seems like a very laid-back place and people there are nice. But as what you say, they are very loose on sexual morals and very sexually liberated (heard this from a friend =/) so, nope, not good. USA… don’t even think about it! Haha, high crime rates, loose morals, government spying on people… the society seems to be in a mess and you never know when you might get shot… you might just be out deciding to grab coffee for like 10 minutes and some random madman decides to open fire in your starbucks outlet =/ crazy place to be in. Hong Kong? EWWW. sorry but that’s one of the Asian options I struck off first. LOL. The country is very small with a high population which lends itself to all of the problems my country is facing right now: hiking transport fares, crowds of people everywhere, everybody seems to be stressed out, expensive housing and their apartment spaces are one of the most pathetic around. Most of them look as big as a shoebox! So nope. I don’t wish to escape my country to run into the same thing at another place. And have you worked with HK people before? No offense, but they are one of the worst people around – rude, pushy and aggressive, and incredibly snobbish as well. I rank them on par with South Koreans whom I don’t think highly of at all. I will pass! LOL.
I am considering China though (I predict they will become mighty economic powers in the next few decades) and they have a lot of demand for someone of my skillset, plus I speak the language. Another country would be Taiwan. Europe is a great place, but they seem to be depressed economically. I dislike France cause of the people, whereas Belgium and Germany sound great. England is fantastic but they seem to have a shitty education system/govt. I’m actually eyeing the Nordic countries (Denmark, Norway, Sweden) but they are hella expensive… and another i’m eyeing is Finland – they have a truly marvellous education system and I want my future children to be educated that way.
Let me read more of your posts and I will write back later!
Evelyn
Monday, December 2, 2013 at 10:47 am
Hey Evelyn, glad you’re alright! 🙂
Buy a house… BEFORE you can marry? I’ll read more carefully later but if it’s so, the country you live in does seem messed up haha. Time to leave it!
But to go where?
You have valid points for not liking Hong Kong (now technically a Special Administrative Region of China but still with its own independent legal system and currency). I’ve never worked with HK people but if you say that they are generally rude and aggressive, it must be so and I believe you. 🙂 I suppose living in a shoebox with other people makes people angry haha (the average HK apartment’s surface is only 450 square feet, I totally missed that detail!)
Guess much written material on HK is propaganda (“energetic people” sounded better indeed!), and videogames don’t portray HK accurately at all!
However, in Hong Kong you have much more legal protection compared to China (a country with a fascinating past and culture but some serious problems).
It’s true that China will slowly improve etc. but there you can still be fined or arrested for almost no reason at all – including, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not so in HK.
China will reinforce its role as one of the world’s most powerful countries. It defends its territory very aggressively, expanding whenever they get the chance. They recently, unilaterally “grabbed” some international airspace for themselves, declaring that they can down any airplane that trespasses without revealing flight information. Not to mention their recent feud with Japan over a few small islands…
I believe that China’s 1.6 Billion people are a “demographic bomb” ready to explode… Even more so since the “only-child policy” will be abolished soon. And nobody truly wants to be against (…outside?) China when that happens. Especially since China (already a nuclear power) is quickly obtaining military technology from friends and foes alike, and rapidly upgrading its massive army…
Anyway, I suppose that if you are very careful and stay out of trouble (which includes, being careful about whom you associate with: ignorance of your innocent-looking neighbor’s activities is no protection there), then China is an okay place to live in, not great, but okay. IMHO. 🙂
Taiwan may be a nice neighboring country but because of tensions with China it will become increasingly militarized. And wherever soldiers freely roam the streets, civil rights get thrown out the window. And if the USA ever abandons Taiwan, the island will get invaded by China, period. So, I personally wouldn’t feel safe living in Taiwan. Your mileage may vary, though. Different strokes for different people! 🙂
Next, I’ll post some more thoughts about other countries.
reality bites
Monday, December 2, 2013 at 2:12 pm
QUOTE
I’m actually eyeing the Nordic countries (Denmark, Norway, Sweden) but they are hella expensive… and another i’m eyeing is Finland – they have a truly marvellous education system and I want my future children to be educated that way.
/QUOTE
Scandinavia is a great-looking place. Nordic countries have stunning landscapes and usually friendly people but here is something that you may not know:
Divorce rates in those countries are rather high. Here is some data from the year 2002:
Sweden: 54.9%
Finland: 51.2%
Denmark: 44.5%
Norway: 40.4%
These are the percentages of marriages ending in a divorce.
I’ve long wanted to mention these percentages, and here is what I think:
There may be a direct link between the relaxed sexual moral/freedom found in those countries and the divorce rates.
To quickly summarize how morally messed up those countries are:
Gay and lesbian “marriage” are legally recognized in all of them.
Sex with animals is legal in: Denmark (since 1933), Finland (since 1971), Sweden (since 1944 but will thankfully be outlawed from 2014) and was legal in Norway until 2008. But zoo pornography is still not banned in several cases…
In other words, in these countries, morality is pretty much subjective and the traditional heterosexual marriage is not held in high regard at all. As you may guess, many children there are born out of wedlock (the majority, in Norway and Sweden) – which isn’t exactly good for their health and happiness… The rest of children, those born in a wedlock, are not immune from problems. As you know, people from “broken families” have a higher probability of divorcing if they do end up getting married. So… There are far better countries to look for a spouse. The risk of divorce in those countries looks too high to me. The local culture simply does not encourage, let alone enforce, lifetime heterosexual monogamy.
Anyway, can you imagine… Men French-kissing other men in the streets, and my neighbor drooling after my pet or asking for a threesome with my (future) heterosexual spouse? Eww. No thanks, I’ll pass – forever.
In conclusion… I believe that the morality of a country’s people must also be taken into account when choosing where to live. 🙂
Here is a (propaganda?) map portraying in RED the (hostile to the LGBT lobby?) countries where the Constitutions, thankfully, forbid homosexual “marriages” (those countries should be painted in blessed “safe/ally GREEN”! Anyway, look at how the “blue cancer” is spreading, Europe looks terminally ill already…)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Same_sex_marriage_map_Europe_detailed.svg
I must go out now but I may have more thoughts to share later. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm
Hello! Yes, there are a few types of flats that newly-weds go after. One type is known as resale, and another Build-to-order (BTO). Resale flats though cheaper aren’t actually seen as of value for some reason (I need to do more digging on this, and perhaps the article above might help somewhat). Many newly-weds go for BTO flats, which has a minimum of 2-3 years being put on the waiting list. And this wait time is set to increase to 4-5 year wait (there’s an article on the net, don’t want to paste it here haha). So if you are PLANNING to get married, what are you to do? You either place yourself on the wait list or you hope your parents are willing enough (or have the space) to spare you and your spouse another room in the house… but who wants to live with parents all their lives?
So, people at my age (mid-20s) place themselves on the BTO wait list (note: the wait list is soo long, that some people don’t even qualify to be on the wait list – you have to apply to be on it) and hope to get one. And also hope that by the time they are successful, they are already married and are ready to get the keys to the new house – all perfect timing.
But many people, in their haste for wanting to get a house for themselves, don’t stop and think if the person they are getting the house with is THE person they want to marry! They just think: I’ve got a partner, I (both of us) need a house. Ok lets sign up, and if we eventually get married, the house is ours. Quite obvious to me how this entire process is just set up for failure.
Firstly, how can you be so sure you want to be buying a house with this guy/girl? How can you be so sure at this moment that 2-3 years down the road, you will be married to this person, or how can you even be so sure now that this is someone you will be with 2-3 years down the road? It just completely doesn’t make sense to me! Also, since singles can’t buy houses til we are 35, we have to hope we are married before that if we ever want to have a house to ourselves. And so as a consequence I can recount TONS of stories of people finally getting their houses and about to get married, but having their soon-to-be spouse break off the engagement/run off with someone else. I’m not saying that couples not lasting til marriage is just the housing policy to be blamed. But I think it’s a huge factor, cause people get very fearful and want to speed things up – but making sure you are with the right person is a process that shouldn’t ever be sped up unnecessarily! And especially not due to housing policies.
Evelyn
Tuesday, December 3, 2013 at 12:00 pm
Oh, I had the greatest misfortune of being asked to coordinate between a Hong Kong company and my previous company for an event. Every.Single.Person on the team was soooooooooo aggressive it really got on my nerves. When they sent you emails, they want a response IMMEDIATELY. If they don’t get it, expect your phone to be constantly ringing off the hook with calls from them. It’s as if they will all drop dead if they don’t receive your email in 10 seconds. And I got shouted at by a CEO’s secretary cause she expected me to send her the files after I’ve long left work! Utterly stupid people. Yup their apartments are pathetic – I once saw a picture where really really improverished people literally had to live in human cages cause there was no space for them anywhere and they couldn’t afford it. Also, HKers used to be notorious for being very rude to foreigners who didn’t speak their language (Cantonese, though they are good English speakers). I love their food but I will never step foot in that country ever. (Sorry, I just thoroughly dislike them).
Yeap – China.. gosh, they still execute people (by shooting them in the heads if I;m not wrong), if they were to ever to do anything to slightly get on the State’s wrong side. And yes, Chinese are VERY aggressive people. I’ve had opportunities to work with them and they usually come in 2 extreme forms. On one end, you have the really nice very open-minded ones. And on the other, the really pushy aggressive ones who will do anything to do just to get their goals. It’s sometimes very hard to distinguish both cause they first group might just be pretending to be nice to you just to get what they want. But a lot of things have to be done according to their own will and their culture, you can’t really just go in and do what you like. It sometimes reeks of superiority complex.
Also, their one-child policy is slowly disappearing, while Beijing and major cities keep to it, many other provinces no longer do. I have quite a number of China-born friends my age who have siblings. =/ I would never want to live in Shanghai or Beijing I think, maybe somewhere less metropolitan.. in the mountains perhaps? 😀
Taiwan, besides their food, don’t generally appeal to me actually. I just thought of it cause I speak their national languages, so it’s easier. But their conflict with China is actually pretty unsettling. If I had to choose between Taiwan and Europe, I much prefer the latter.
Evelyn
Tuesday, December 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Yup! I’ve heard of the Divorce rates there, and I think you are right to say it could be because of their rather lax outlook on marriage, fidelity and all that. Besides gay marriages, many of them I know co-habit with their partners before marriage and have babies out of wedlock, yes. And no one bats an eyelid to that. Even the Norwegian Royal Family (sorry, very into Royal stuff) has a Crown Princess who used to be part of the underground rave scene, took drugs, slept around and has a child out of wedlock with a drug addict. Yet, the Crown Prince married her (met her when she was pregnant with that man’s child) and she will in future be imposed onto the people as a Queen. How utterly disgusting is that?
I know quite a few acquaintances from Denmark – perfectly nice people – but who have children out of wedlock and/or married but eventually divorced, with kids. =/ And wait.. sex with ANIMALS? The hell? That is SOOOOOO DISGUSTING. How is this even allowed anywhere on earth?!?!
‘I’ll pass – forever’ LOL. Not to mention these Nordic countries have very very high tax rates and high suicide rates (I think Sweden and Denmark) rank amongst one of the top in the world.
Yes I agree, I think the morals/culture have to be taken into account. And I’m also very concerned about the type of education in the country. Cause I want my kids to be well-educated – explorative, deep thinkers, creative who aren’t so boxed-in like most people around here.
Evelyn
Tuesday, December 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm
So many thoughts to write down, where to begin? Hmm…
Royal Houses? Oh. I’m sure you agree that they very rarely behaved in a “royal” way. We could name names and narrate historic episodes but we don’t need to. Suffice to say, Queen Junkie (or the Junkie Queen) would not sound great at all. 🙂
Anyway…
I believe that high (quick) suicide rates in Sweden and Denmark prove, once more, that limitless freedom does not always translate to happiness. Sexual promiscuity and use of tobacco, alcohol and drugs don’t make citizens happy; they just dumb them down, preventing their intellectual and spiritual evolution (who needs books, when you got booze?) and making them dependent on (dangerous) external sources of (ephemeral) satisfaction that almost inevitably lead to depression, and ultimately to some form of suicide (can be quick suicide… or slow suicide, eg. tobacco use often leads to some form of deadly cancer).
People must be taught some basic truths about relationships (like, sex binds and promiscuity leads to unhappiness) and be trained to cope with the end of a relationship. And that the said substances are neither the solution, nor leading to lasting happiness (quite the contrary). Easier said than done…
Moving on…
Let’s forget about China, about Taiwan and most definitely about Hong Kong.
Looks like you need a country with a good education system, moderate-to-low taxes, moderate-to-high demand for the professions that you like.
Let me see what I can write in my next post. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, December 4, 2013 at 9:06 am
Some recent facts about Australia:
1. It ranks 8th (out of 48 countries) regarding higher education quality; behind Scandinavian countries, but ahead of United Kingdom, France and Germany.
2. There seems to be high demand for Psychologists (different flavors). If it’s in the Skilled Occupations List (SOL), then it’s in high demand:
http://www.visabureau.com/australia/skilled-occupation-list.aspx
Market Research Analysts also seem in high demand.
3. Slightly higher taxes compared to UK, but higher wages and lower overall cost of living. (This I understood, after reading various sources).
4. Seventh best health care system in the world (source: Bloomberg.com).
5. “Only” one out of three babies are born out of wedlock, compared to Britain’s one out of two (2016 forecast).
6. The Supreme Court has just forbidden homosexual marriages!
I find it funny that an ex penal colony such as Australia seems more “moral” right now compared to their former masters (UK).
Sure, one can ignore all the above data and go to overtaxed Sweden – where higher education is slightly better but MASTURBATION IN PUBLIC IS LEGAL (as long as you don’t watch somebody). Eek, I mean, what the hell? Oh and another thing: in Sweden, even light-spanking your children will earn you jail time. So should you ever want to discipline your kids… I hope your hypnosis skills are good! Haha.
Anyway, so many countries to examine. I wonder which ones are on your mind. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, December 12, 2013 at 5:50 pm
haha hey! Yes, Australia seems like not a bad place to be in. There are also a lot of Asians there, though my worry would be racism, which used to be rampant in certain areas, especially Sydney. Also, my friends who have lived in different areas there say it can get very very boring depending on the place you are in. A friend lived in Canberra and found it absolutely boring and in almost every city i think most shops/restaurants close at 5pm. hahahahaha. But a lot of people who go there really enjoy themselves and say very good things about the country. Also, i think their crime rate isn’t so high? I’m concerned about that. I don’t want to be in a place with crazies walking around (America) and where i don’t feel safe even in my house. Ever thought that America is just as scary to live in as some third world countries? Hmm. Anyway i would have to do some more research on Australia, visit there and so forth, cause i think they have tightened their citizenship rules. Also i hope their education system is good.
My first choice actually would be to live somewhere else in Asia (not much options though) then subject myself living in ‘liberal’ Western countries. If the education sucks, I’d probably home schools my future kids. Though how do you build up social skills for them if they don’t go to school?
Will have to think about it some more! haha. but thanks for the information on Australia! :D:D
Evelyn
Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 7:51 am
Racism, Crime, Firearms, Education are all important topics…
Although national law uniforms many things, remember that:
1) in federal states such as Australia, local authorities may opt for different rules about certain issues
2) national averages may not tell us much at all (e.g. racism may be high in Sydney and low in Canberra)
So, one always has to study the LOCAL DATA AND LAWS in order to make a correct choice. Which can take much time – but it’s fundamental.
Let’s start with discussing Racism. Since you read the Daily Mail, I thought I’d link to this map (can be saved on the hard disk and/or printed):
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2325502/Map-shows-worlds-racist-countries-answers-surprise-you.html
“The data came from the World Value Survey, which measured the social attitudes of people in different countries, as reported by the Washington Post.”
Australia’s AVERAGE racism should actually be low (<5.0%). But as we said, one must examine the local State/city/town in order to know the LOCAL reality of things. (I may, for example, eat 3 chickens per month on average… but probably my neighbor doesn't eat any! Remember "three types of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics" etc.)
Actually, about 1 in 24 Australians ethnically originated from Asian countries such as your own (data I gathered from Wikipedia). So you should do well if you find a good area with lower-than-average problems.
Citizenship… That may come later. In many countries, as you know, you start as a resident – and as I said, if your job is on the Skilled Occupations List then AFAIK you shouldn't have problems in becoming one. I'm sure Australia welcomes people like you, skilled professionals with no criminal record. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 16, 2013 at 1:00 pm
Australian higher education is good… With some local variance between State and State.
Now listen closely:
No matter how good the higher education is in the country you’ll be living in… Before college, I heartily recommend homeschooling (you beat me to it haha).
Proper homeschooling produces thinking, thoughtful, independent-minded individuals…
Whereas, “State indoctrination camps” do not – anywhere, at all. (You said: “I want my kids to be well-educated – explorative, deep thinkers, creative who aren’t so boxed-in like most people around here”… well, said camps are not the answer).
Above all, include LOGIC as the ABSOLUTELY MOST IMPORTANT subject in the curriculum, because your future kids’ lives and well-being depend on it. Without Logic, they’ll be vulnerable to scammers (politicians, con men etc.), preyed upon, unable to think clearly and independently, and unwitting/brainwashed soldiers of the State.
Mathematics is also extremely important.
Languages: English is the most important – you may add a second language if needed (for instance, for better chances at college admission), but I’d prefer learning new concrete knowledge to merely being able to call the same old things with a foreign name. If you DO add more languages to the curriculum, do this EARLY! Like, in pre-scholar age! Because, the younger the student, the easier it is to learn new languages.
Regarding History… Prefer textbooks with a more objective slant. Remember that “History is written by the victors.” (Winston S. Churchill)
As far as I know, top-colleges are generally willing to consider admitting homeschooled students if they’re good, and have on many occasions.
Oh and… Respect your future kids’ natural inclinations and talents, in fact spot them early on and wisely guide them towards success, building their education around them if at all possible (given the foreseeable “future state of the economy” when they’ll be adults). 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 16, 2013 at 1:23 pm
Haha, you can school my kids in Logic! I don’t think I’m as good at it as you are. Oh, I always will want to give my kids the space to explore things they are interested in. If I see someone who’s good at basketball and happens to like it very much, I will do my best to groom him. I don’t want what parents in Asian countries do – send their kids to all manner of classes (piano, ballet, art, violin, football, you name it) from a young age but none of the kids are really interested in them. It’s just a manner of ‘competing’ with other parents and their kids and is a complete waste of money, not to mention stupid.
How does one develop the right social skills if they were home-schooled too? That’s just about all the concern I have about home schooling haha. I don’t know if there is a difference, because at a school you will meet and interact with people etc. But at home, the opportunities are a little limited.
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 10:59 am
QUOTE
you can school my kids in Logic! I don’t think I’m as good at it as you are.
/QUOTE
Thanks for the compliments! 🙂 But in time, you may become more skilled than me!
I’ll comment on your other posts soon; meanwhile, if I may, here is a (draft stage) idea for a Logic course.
reality bites
Friday, January 10, 2014 at 5:43 am
BASIC LOGIC COURSE
Theory assignment:
Learn ALL you can about all existing Fallacies. Example: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
Read stuff like this for about two hours a day. (Good websites and books exist on the topic)
Practice assignment:
Practice “fallacy finding” anytime you can (i.e. spot the “wrong reasonings” of people).
Practice on paper first (print/read online/offline material/news and see what fallacies you can find); circle/mark the fallacious sentence bit, identify the fallacy’s name and write it next to the marked sentence bit. (Example: “Have you stopped beating your wife?” => “loaded question (fallacy)” that an innocent husband can’t answer with a simple yes or no! ).
Within a few months your mind will start becoming accustomed to “fallacy finding”. It will become second-nature. This is like military training: once your mind is trained, you become unstoppable – for real! And it can only get better!
I guarantee that if you follow the Logic training rigorously, your life will never be the same! 😀
reality bites
Friday, January 10, 2014 at 5:47 am
Practice “fallacy finding” until you can spot AND identify a fallacy in under five seconds, and wonderful things will start to happen:
1. Nobody will be able to defeat you in a debate anymore! (If you have enough practice and enough truthful information). Priceless by itself!
2. You will solve problems faster, no matter how complex, because your mind will more clearly see any solutions that may exist! Now that’s a competitive advantage.
3. You will spot a lie or fraud much faster! (Politicians, narcissists etc. will be practically “naked” to your eyes!)
The average person can, with enough training and patience, become a very skilled “fallacy killer” within a year. It’s electrifying and nothing short of amazing.
Evelyn, try the basic Logic course and let me know what you think! 😀
reality bites
Friday, January 10, 2014 at 5:52 am
QUOTE
no amount of talking/counselling will ever help people like that. And i really should just care more about myself and my life/future.
/QUOTE
Exactly… Spot “problematic” subjects early on, and drop them like hot potatoes (as soon as you won’t be needing them anymore)… 97+ times out of 100, trying to change them is a waste of irreplaceable time (your most precious resource).
Speaking about Time… Anybody wasting your Time is like a war criminal. Unfortunately, no matter what happened or how Time was lost, no human can give us back even a millisecond of Time, so…
Use the rest of your lifetime in the best possible way. Since your Time is limited and irreplaceable… I believe that you should allocate your Time in “decreasing productivity order”.
In other words, the most important people in your life should get more of your Time, based on your own very personal “priority scale” dictated by Wisdom. For example: Time for yourself first and foremost, then for your “soul mate”, for your (future) children, for your best friends, etc.
Relatives? In my humble opinion, many are only a pain and nothing else. Those who are, should be left out of your life if at all possible.
Relatives often feel no need to develop their personalities to “Evelyn Standards”(TM)… They feel entitled to “being special” and to receive special treatment from you because, well, they are RELATED BY BLOOD! Oh My God. I call this, the Family (Ties) Fallacy: just because one is related by blood, doesn’t mean (s)he is entitled to receive special treatment or to treat us like sXXt.
(I personally know a few who, when they’re not busy gossiping about other relatives or lecturing me about politics… will be mortally offended if I don’t “lay out a red carpet” for them when they “gift” me, mere mortal, with their “divine” – and thankfully rare – presence).
Having said all that…
Above all…
Create a life that YOU like… Enlightened by Logic first and foremost, but full of Love towards the ones you have FREELY chosen to love. 🙂
Owe No One!
reality bites
Tuesday, January 14, 2014 at 5:34 pm
Oh I wanted to ask you something else! I was reading something this morning which left me feeling rather irritated. It was this discussion on a forum where people were saying ‘women should have long hair because long hair is a symbol of femininity’.
I’ve had this saying before but really, I think it’s utter tripe. How does one’s hair length indicate how feminine you are??? I’ve met women with incredibly short hair who oozed femininity from every pore, and women with long hair who really need to do themselves and others a favour and change themselves into men.
This is I believe another one of ‘society’s notions’ that attempt to dictate how a women should look and be so that she can be certain things. I find it incredibly ridiculous and am shocked people believe such tripe. I think the same people will believe whitening lotions really make one’s skin whiter (rolls eyes). I’m incredibly sick and tired of people hanging on to these stupid ideas and using it to police what women should wear. Oh, women must wear makeup, women must wear dresses to look feminine, women must wear heels, women must this and that and BLABLABLA’ how absolutely tiring! People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, the women wearing skirts/dresses thing to look feminine has got to be one of the worst things besides the hair length that I’ve heard. I personally rarely wear dresses or heels because I’m a fast walker and I don’t want to always be so conscious of my skirt riding up etc or inconveniencing myself. And that makes me less feminine? Goodness.
And people, especially men who don’t date women just cause they don’t wear skirts/heels/have long hair need to have their priorities and heads examined.
What do you think?
Evelyn
Monday, December 2, 2013 at 10:57 am
How should a woman dress? It depends. We should look at the “big picture” as dressing is part of a bigger issue: attractiveness.
In a free country, a woman can dress any way she likes.
However… A woman that wants to be liked by her man should definitely abide by certain rules.
Deep within our nervous system, influenced by both DNA and culture, are our “beauty ideals”.
In other words, inside us are the “rules” that let us decide whether (and how much) a person is sexually attractive or not. Personal taste is the expression of how the rules combine inside us; so, some men prefer blondes, some prefer brunettes; one likes a certain behavior whereas someone else abhors it, etc.
And some rules apply to the majority of people; a simple statistic fact.
Most people are heterosexuals, and are “programmed” (by DNA and culture) to find attractive certain characteristics of the opposite gender (eg. sexual characters), since one of Nature’s main goals is the forming of heterosexual couples and encouraging them to copulate (by means of beauty, love and pleasure), so they generate offspring, and thus transmit the DNA to the children, who are to be reared (usually by the parents) until adulthood so the cycle can start again. In other words, the perpetuation of Life.
(And homosexuals should, like, get over it instead of whining to dictators so they impose their distorted vision on normal people).
Homosexuals are a deviation from this norm; they find people of the same gender, attractive.
Now, what’s all this got to do with dressing?
Everything.
Never miss the “big picture”: dressing is part of what makes a person, attractive or NOT attractive.
reality bites
Monday, December 9, 2013 at 2:00 am
Now, let me deliberately use the words “male” and “female” in this post, because there is less chance of misunderstanding (the words “man” and “woman” do not satisfactorily evidence the biological differences between the two sexes, which are often minimized without valid reasons!). You may not believe it, but the words “man and woman” in the same sentence can evoke in our mind a “war of the sexes”, reducing our ability to think objectively about certain topics… which is exactly what decades of conditioning by feminist movements wanted to do in the first place.
And here is my attempt at Biology 101… Here is the whole issue of attractiveness (including, dressing) as I see and understand it:
Heterosexual males desire a female who looks and behaves like a female. This, AFAIK, includes what follows.
(Pay attention to the topic: “testosterone levels” as you go).
1) Body fat in all the right places.
Chemical/hormonal equilibrium is paramount (especially when it comes to testosterone levels). Without such equilibrium, the body fat may go (or not go) where Nature meant it to go!
An attractive female necessarily has a good-looking silhouette; her attractiveness is decided mostly by certain mathematical formulas, numbers and proportions (“golden ratio” and all that), encoded in our DNA, and partly by personal preference (eg. a certain male prefers “huge breasts” whereas someone else may like “normal breasts”, etc.)
Now here’s the answer you’ve been waiting for:
Clothes should NEVER hide the characteristic female curves. Never!
But there is a fine line here; clothes should moderately evidence the female curves (so anyone can SUBCONSCIOUSLY think to themselves, “that’s a female”) but not so much as to distract or look ridiculous.
Modesty, as always, is the key (word). (Too much naked skin exposed is hardly a show of modesty; common sense is needed here).
Wearing a skirt or wearing pants, it doesn’t matter and either is fine, as long as the female can be immediately identified as “female” at first sight (at least at close range).
Culture and laws also have their say in deciding how a female should dress (eg. pink is seen as a “female color” in many countries); they are human constructs though, and common sense is the filter as always. The “golden rule” of “modestly evidencing the female curves” should be respected no matter what.
We should acknowledge the natural differences between the sexes, rather than hide them.
2) Not being too muscular.
Talking of female silhouette…
Too much muscle in a female looks intimidating and confusing to the male. Like she was invading his biological territory; this truth should be acknowledged, rather than fought. (I’d never marry a female who practices Thai boxe or heavy weight lifting – she can boxe or lift weights all she wants, but she’ll never have me!)
Plus, she can have hormonal problems (AFAIK, too much testosterone can harm her health, her fertility, her cycle, her silhouette, her fidelity – high testosterone increases her sex drive and therefore her probability of cheating – and may even hurt her life expectancy!).
3) Cheekbones that are not too pronounced.
When I look at my girlfriend/wife’s face, I don’t want to see high-testosterone-induced pronounced cheekbones that remind me of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie “Terminator 2″…
4) Body hair under control.
A good-looking female waxes regularly – and keeps testosterone under control too. The female just isn’t meant to have too high levels of testosterone in the body. Which, among other things, increases body hair growth… and I tell you, that’s not quite a pleasant thing to see in a female…
5) A female-sounding voice.
Again, very high testosterone levels can negatively influence the female voice, and make her sound a bit more like a male voice. And attractiveness can go down. Also, some bad news for smokers (male and female alike): there are good chances that smoking will ruin your voice!
6) Nice hair.
Long or short, it doesn’t matter as long as they are clean, well-cut and the female carries them with dignity. A good haircut becomes even more important as she ages; in fact, as time goes by, the difference between her and the male (balding or with a receding hairline) becomes more and more evident. (Usually, it’s males that have hair problems as they age – but I’ve seen partly balding females, and I tell you it’s not pretty! Guess what… Testosterone levels have a hand in this).
Once again, we’re underlining Nature’s distinctions between male and female humans.
I almost forgot: a female with a shaved head is horrible to behold. Almost grounds for divorce by itself maybe, haha. And a colored punk-style haircut on a female head is just… ugh, so the haircut of bulldykes (masculine lesbians).
7) Honorable behavior.
One of the most important parts! Here are some guidelines.
No aggressive/violent behavior if at all possible. Keep noise, swearing and gossip to a minimum. And no verbal violence (yes, some females commit verbal abuse on people around them and even on their partner!). Be polite and respect other people, including other people’s time. Walk to get from A to B with dignity, not to attract attention on your legs and B-side. And don’t send provoking or mixed signals: males don’t like to be needlessly aroused or deceived about your intentions. She who ignores these rules must be ready to run into potential trouble.
reality bites
Monday, December 9, 2013 at 2:08 am
Final notes…
I find long hair, heels and makeup to be “distinctly feminine” (heels shouldn’t be too high though, as they are unhealthy AND dangerous), however a female with short hair wearing tennis shoes and no makeup can be even more feminine depending on how she behaves. It’s a personal choice and has to do with individual personality!
In summary…
The “golden rule” is that in dressing, demeanor and other fields, the natural differences between the female and the male should be acknowledged and modestly evidenced, rather than denied and opposed. We are human beings, Nature/God’s best masterpiece.
Above all, remember this:
If male and female weren’t different, they could never be so wonderfully complementary to each other.
Anybody trying to make male and female look equal, should be jailed for life so society isn’t ruined by such a catastrophic idea (which caused devastating damage to the very fabric of society itself). Equal rights doesn’t mean that males and females should dress the same!
And this, dear Evelyn, is Reality Bites’ stance not only on how female humans should dress (which is but a small part of the “big picture” of attractiveness), but also on how female humans should look like and behave – simply model Nature, in modesty. 🙂
I’m fairly sure that you agree with most of my ideas on this delicate subject.
I could post a specular message aimed at male humans (how they should dress, look like and behave) but I don’t think it’s necessary.
Feel free to share your thoughts. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 9, 2013 at 2:17 am
Actually I am abit confused on beauty standards, so I’m not really very sure if I agree with you entirely. I strongly believe that a lot of women – despite their denials – dress to look attractive to men. All men? Nope. Only the ones they find attractive. Also, they dress for other women. To look better than other women (and therefore a sign of superiority) seems to give a lot of women some kind of high and somehow gives them the right to act like downright snobbish bitches with no manners. Also, a lot of women want to look better than other women to ‘beat out competition’ and attract men (of course, only certain attractive men need apply). In other words, intrasexual competition.
On the other side, you have certain women who truly just dress for themselves. I would be one example, I have some friends who are like that as well. The thing is, it’s very difficult to say whether women TRULLY dress for themselves or whether their choices are made by subconscious media brainwashing of how a woman should dress to look ‘attractive’. But there are women out there who truly don’t give a shit about society’s/media’s rules about beauty and attractiveness and just wear what is comfortable (these women are usually very modestly dressed and make up free). True women who really exercising their freedom of choice.
I think where it gets confusing is when the first group of women dress to look attractive (to attract men and beat out female competition) and then justifying it by blaming it on the men for wanting them to look a certain way. Which is some of what you listed above – long hair, heels, implants (for some) etc. On one hand I find it extremely silly – because NO man (or woman) is going to arrest you for dressing the way you do (mostly), so this oppression/patriarachy speeches these feminists are making don’t make sense at all. Cause really, women DO have a choice to dress however they want, but a lot of women don’t, instead choosing to dress for a (mostly) male gaze (selective of course) by listening to what the media/society/women’s magazines (other women) telling them what to wear. Which is, oppression in itself. These women, I feel, are oppressing themselves and then blaming this oppression on men or whatever. To me, these people are losers/followers.
But at the same time, whenever I read some sort of ‘rules’ as to how a woman should dress to look attractive, that’s when I think these feminists actually have some sort of truth to what they say (though I dislike them). (Most) girls want to look/feel attractive, and they are just following guidelines because that’s what they perceive men find attractive (and a lot of men verify these lists to be true) and are just obeying the ‘rules’.
Am I making sense? What do you think?
As for me, I will stick to my mid-length and at times messy hair (my hair is wavy and gets very out of control), my flats, and my at times loose fitting dressing (I dislike showing off my figure though I have a better one than most who go to the gym :D). I’m also not entirely against abit of female body hair. And if some random male that I happen to be interested in (or some random female), thinks I’m extremely unfeminine and not attractive in any way physically because of the above can go fuck (her)himself 🙂
Evelyn
Tuesday, December 10, 2013 at 1:36 pm
Yes, this makes sense. There is no doubt that different women dress differently for the various reasons that you listed:
Attracting interesting men, intrasexual competition, superiority complex, media brainwashing, self gratification. Among others.
In particular, many women indeed obey Nature and dress to attract men.
We can resist to a certain culture promoting a certain way of dressing…
But we can hardly resist being attracted to certain pheromones, or the beauty of body symmetry (almost universally interpreted by our brains as a sign of “good genes”; here, we could consider surgery as a kind of cheat/trick increasing attractiveness; and certain clothes do increase the chances of the woman attracting the man that she desires). Or more generally, the compelling urge to find a suitable partner.
Some things are almost beyond our control. “Attraction is not a choice”, as somebody said (although, “willpower reigns supreme”, says Reality Bites!).
It can be very difficult to get over a “crush”, because Nature pushes us towards copulation with a partner responding to our “beauty ideals” (right or wrong that they may be) as encoded in our DNA and, partly, defined by culture (that, combined, result in our unique personal taste).
We may live in the 21st century, but some things haven’t changed at all since the dawn of mankind.
Small parenthesis about body hair… I find women with moustaches, repulsing. I really do. I knew this woman years ago, that was sort of attracted to me; intelligent, beautiful… except she had a certain amount of hairs between the upper lip and the nose. Needless to say, I wasn’t thinking about kissing her…
We could write interesting stuff about the natural mechanism of REPULSION. It can be defined in many ways, but I simply summarize it as Nature’s way of preventing copulation with partners who may have “bad genes” which would pollute the offspring’s genetic patrimony. We may like it or not… But this, AFAIK, is how it is. 🙂
Remember that attraction is something largely dictated by Nature; rational people choose their partner based on rational things, but physical attraction is still mostly determined by “irrational” elements (which in the eyes of Nature actually make much sense: Nature is very much genetics-oriented!).
And I may be stating the obvious, but unless a woman is physically attracted to her partner she will not be in the mood to make love (husbands are forewarned: make yourselves attractive to your wives!)
Please insert your thoughts below:
*blinking cursor* 😀
reality bites
Tuesday, December 10, 2013 at 3:42 pm
In the meanwhile… Visit this funny web page! 😀
http://www.funny-jokes-and-videos.blogspot.com/2010/10/funny-men-vsun-men.html
reality bites
Tuesday, December 10, 2013 at 6:51 pm
Exactly. I think a lot of women just dress ‘well’ to attract men. As well as to have an ‘ego boost’ going out and having both men and women looking at them (talk about low self esteem). These are my top 2 reasons. Anyway i really dislike women who think just cause they bother to shop every Sunday for nice clothes, are willing to spend $1000s on handbags/shoes/clothes and are willing to spend an hour slapping chemical products on their face in the mornings and so they are far better than you. I see a lot of women like that in my country, in corporates as well as outside. And I’m like, what makes you think that makes you matter than me? If we were ever to have a debate in court, popularity contest or asked to lead a country all whilst taking care of a family, I’d probably own your ass in all 3 and more =/
Haha yeah, crushes are hard to get over. I think this is particularly if the person is very attractive and you don’t know their character very well. This makes you assign all sorts of good attributes to them which isn’t true mostly. But well, i think if you don’t know a person at all in the first place, you shouldn’t even be liking them so much to the point you can’t get over them!
Oh haha, yes i have a couple of female friends who have the hairline above their mouths. I also always find myself staring at the hair there and feeling a little grossed out when we talk. Interestingly, i find these types of women to be extremely independent, strong-willed, strong-minded and very intelligent. Interestingly as well, they don’t seem to have much luck in the romance department or actually seem to care about it lol.
But we need to discuss at length the topic of REPULSION soon! 😀
LOL blinking cursor.. actually that’s interesting, cause i’ve always heard the opposite – men complaining that their wives boobs/body etc are all out of shape and hence extremely unattractive after childbirth. I don’t know what you think about these men, but i find myself repulsed by them. 😀
i’ll read your links and comment again on them soon, cause i wanted to talk a little bit more about this repulsive thing called feminism. And yes you are right, they are men-hating creatures, but not only that, i also think they hate their own sex and would do anything to destroy other women.
Evelyn
Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 8:03 am
Haha, I saw the comic. Typical woman behaviour. Always judging on appearances/what other people wear. It’s even more pronounced in shallow Asian societies such as the one I’m living in. It’s like how much makeup/how many designer labels/what handbag you carry/what you are wearing today determines your worth as a person. *Eyeroll* Please. Ask any of these shallow to give a charismatic public speech, run a company/country, or come up with a business strategy for their company and none of them will be able to do it.
Going into a little off-tangent about women these days. Alot of them complain about the ‘glass ceiling’ in their office. What glass ceiling? My opinion is that nothing like that exists. Women who are leaders are right where they are or getting there. Women who don’t want career development/do anything of strategic importance for their companies are right where they are too. Women who want to balance both family and be in a leadership position? Nothing wrong with that, but one has to understand we can’t have all our cake and eat it. Something has to give on both ends. Either less time with the kids/family or having to accept a not-so-high position with the added responsibilities. One can’t have both.
Also, I usually find it very difficult to take women seriously at work cause they get emotional over the LAMEST things. Someone will make a comment about the colour of their dress and it makes them all weepy and angsty. God. Do you ever hear men getting all whiny and angry when one of their colleagues just so much as say they look better in a blue shirt? (No wonder more men are leaders).
Lastly, I don’t know about others as I live in a relatively shallow, materialistic society. But, I can’t take any woman in a professional setting seriously when they put a lot of focus on their looks. I work in the Business District area and i see this everyday on the trains. Heavy makeup/heavily done up hair/short, tight outfits. Yuck. Save it for your husband and the weekend. Thank goodness in the field I’m in, people care loads more about your competence and abilities.
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 10:42 am
I agree that no “glass ceiling” exists and that each woman is where her beliefs and skills allow her to be, compatibly with her time, effort and goals.
In other words, women of value who invest enough time and effort will eventually get to the top echelons no matter how much they may be ostracized by other people. It has happened and will happen time and time again. If a woman doesn’t get to the top, she lacks self esteem or skills, or simply has more prioritary goals (like, looking good vs producing results haha – well spotted).
I also agree that one has to make choices in life, so if a man/woman goes for “100% career” (s)he’ll eventually reach a very high status but will have to neglect other areas (such as “building a family”). Decisions, decisions…
In a nutshell, I don’t see a “conspiracy to keep women in a lower status”.
reality bites
Thursday, January 30, 2014 at 6:49 am
QUOTE
i’ve always heard the opposite – men complaining that their wives boobs/body etc are all out of shape and hence extremely unattractive after childbirth. I don’t know what you think about these men, but i find myself repulsed by them.
/QUOTE
Wives may indeed objectively be less attractive shortly after childbirth, this is natural; but a man who says this explicitly, or even implicitly, shows a total lack of sensibility towards her. Of course a rejected woman can feel repulsion for such a man, this is natural too.
Such a woman must always be treated with respect, and viewed as one’s soul mate who is going through a “low” period, has sacrificed much to expand the family, and will return to be attractive once this “low” period is over. Also, she should be helped to get back to top shape.
reality bites
Friday, January 31, 2014 at 7:41 pm
About feminism: we could write much (given enough time – so little these days), since it’s a HUGELY complex topic, but for now suffice it to say that for the most part I find their ideas and beliefs to be mostly nonsense.
Actually, anybody who respects women should reject any ideas based on falsehoods and violence – which are a significant part of the “feminist movement” as it stands today: it is often a “man-hating movement”, expressing their (few) legit concerns in ALL the wrong ways.
Anyway, for now, I’ll simply link to a collection of articles about feminism. Interesting stuff, for sure.
http://www.angryharry.com/notefeminismforstudents.htm
reality bites
Wednesday, December 11, 2013 at 1:45 pm
And while I’m posting about feminism…
http://www.rt.com/art-and-culture/femen-topless-activist-feminist-665/
I read that FEMEN activists, known for their “topless protests”, are paid about $1,000 monthly!
I wonder just who pays that kind of money? Who is financing them? What are their goals?
reality bites
Wednesday, December 11, 2013 at 2:13 pm
Haha, I always wonder who finance or support these sorts of movements and behaviours too. Topless protests are so popular in Sweden (it’s really not a country I wanna live in).
Feminism is too complex, I agree. I think the biggest proponents of it hate both men and women. They teach women to be violent and manipultative towards men to get what they want and tell men they are worthless and women are worth more. Most feminists are also all for acting promiscuous and having pre-marital sex. I’ve seen alot of arguments saying men who sleep around are studs and so women should be able to sleep around like a men for the same reasons. I will never support such a vile concept. Also, many of them want equality with men but completely contradict themselves. They want to be leaders in corporations and of countries but can’t go beyond focussing on their looks or take up jobs in construction or engineering. Men and women can NEVER be equal. There I said it. We are already biologically different and from there arises different characteristics and roles in society. I think both sexes complement each other very well from where we all are, and we don’t have to compete with each other for the same resources.
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 10:51 am
QUOTE
I’ve seen alot of arguments saying men who sleep around are studs and so women should be able to sleep around like a men for the same reasons. I will never support such a vile concept.
/QUOTE
Indeed, “two wrongs make a right” is a common logical fallacy.
Here, we have the “You Too” subfallacy which states, “if you do this wrong thing, I can too” or “my wrong is justified because you did the same”.
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/twowrong.html
Premarital/extramarital sex is wrong/damaging for women AND for men. Period.
Can you imagine someone saying, “if you steal I can steal too” or “if you drink poison so can I”? Oh, dear. The illogicity of it!
(Kids, DON’T steal and DON’T drink poison!) 😀
reality bites
Saturday, February 1, 2014 at 6:19 pm
QUOTE
Men and women can NEVER be equal. There I said it. We are already biologically different and from there arises different characteristics and roles in society. I think both sexes complement each other very well from where we all are, and we don’t have to compete with each other for the same resources.
/QUOTE
Yeah, well said. Specialization is one feature of evolved societies/species. 🙂 Indeed, man and woman naturally specialize in different tasks/positions and I see no rational reason to change that.
But feminist groups… They pursue “equality” at all costs. Generally speaking… They don’t want equal rights for both men and women; they want to MAKE EVERYONE EQUAL, forcibly erasing natural/physiological differences between the sexes. This is pure, unadulterated MADNESS.
reality bites
Tuesday, February 4, 2014 at 6:28 pm
^ Exactly. I usually avoid people who claim they are feminists. Especially women. I find them… very… how does one put it, ‘not normal’. I find feminist women very un-feminine..haha. I have an acquaintance who would get very emotional and angsty whenever men held the door open for her or offered to hold anything for her. =/ She said such acts are sexist behaviour. I found it and still find it odd. I mean, if a woman holds a door open for another woman, is she exhibiting sexist behaviour as well? Is she ‘looking down’ on the other woman? I would love for men (or women, anybody) to hold the door open for me. I think it’s a general act of kindness that people should exhibit more towards each other. Sadly we have less of that, and I’m not entirely sure, but I do suspect such changes in society are due to the Feminist movement and other similar movements. It ‘spoils the market’ so to speak. Men are becoming so passive in dating, women are becoming overly aggressive in other areas of life. People are becoming more individualistic and selfish, everyone is worse off to be honest. I’m rambling! So i will stop here haha.
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 5, 2014 at 1:34 pm
There is something else that is bothering me that i’d like to confide in you about. Remember the bunch of former friends i used to have, in particular these 2 girls J and C i used to be very very close to? C and i had a huge row 2 years back about pre-marital sex? And then J took her side (but rationalized her actions saying she wanted to mediate – how could she when she know both of us well and can’t be objective and said i shouldn’t judge C? And i think i also told you C stopped talking to me for some reason after my bday last year? I think it was cause she was getting together with this new guy and as usual when she does that she forgets all her friends. She got engaged last year and recently got married this year (and she only knew the guy in August of 2011). Anyway after her distant attitude to me last March made me completely stop talking to her, i didn’t wish her on her bday, congratulate her on her engagement or wedding either. I also stayed away from J, mostly cause there were certain things in her character i was seeing and i didn’t like. the 3 of us with another 3 girls used to be really close in school about 10 years ago. Early in January they had this group chat thing where they were discussing a meet up and everyone started gushing about her engagement.
Haha, you can imagine how it irritated me. I saw it as an unwanted intrusion. I was thinking, you don’t bother to keep in touch, and now you just add me on this group chat thing and start spamming it about her engagement? I mean, i don’t care, and if it’s so interesting to you, take it somewhere else, i don’t have to wake up to 20+ messages each day talking about things i don’t give a shit about. I’m usually never this irritated with group chats by the way. I told them i had no time to join them (lie) and a few days later i left the chat – good riddance. But i think they saw it as me not wanting to join them, they organized some kind of hen’s party for her and i wasn’t invited. Bothered me a little, but i figured its normal for them, since J and C also met up a lot back when we were all still ok.
And, i wasn’t invited to C’s wedding as well. I was actually pretty upset about that for a bit. I mean, we might not have been talking for a year or so, but we were friends since 7? At least have some basic courtesy? Which she obviously doesn’t have. I know i shouldn’t be upset or whatever, but whenever i think about C, i feel SO stupid. I gave so much of my effort in our friendship, tried to comfort her and patch things up with her and her ex, be there for her when she’s sad etc. And this is what i got in the end. And i think partly because i also feel a little guilty still for our row in 2011, i still subconsciously can’t seem to let go off the friendship. God, i sometimes even dream of her. How gross!!
I know it’s definitely not worth my time on such people and i definitely don’t think they see my friendship with them the same way, neither do they take it that seriously. And I’m all for weeding out problematic friendships no matter how old they are for new ones. but i don’t know why i can’t seem to subconsciously let go of it. Any thoughts? =/
Evelyn
Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 8:52 am
Hi Evelyn,
Yes, I remember your 1 Nov 2012 post about J and H (not C – I checked my HDD haha) on EveryWomansBlog. 🙂
Here are my main points.
1) C and J were different people many years ago.
People change over time – usually for the worse, unless they are guided by Logic rather than emotions. And most people ARE guided by emotions; they go wherever the wind takes them, never developing any sort of REAL free will, existing but not living, reacting to the environment but failing to carefully plan their future (or using false/inaccurate information to plan their nightmare future!)
Many people also usually suck at Diplomacy – ditching long-date friends without GOOD reason. Fair enough – if C divorces, she may come crying to you (looking for an Agony Aunt haha); if neither spouses were virgins, as you know, chances of divorcing within 5-10 years are rather high.
2) No matter how good the past, you must get rid of “bad investments”, including “formerly good investments turned bad”.
In the free market, when the price goes down, you sell before a small loss becomes huge. (Always have a symbolic “price chart” in your mind, trying to see where somebody is located at the moment… and place your “stop loss” order! Haha)
I tell you what, your life goes on without C (and without J). And it will be better; have no doubts about this.
The two girls, in their current state, are clearly unworthy of being your friends. So… Rationalize that they DESERVE to be forgotten, and move on. 🙂
3) Replace C and J with better friends.
Nature abhors a vacuum; dreams are one way Nature uses to let you know.
So… Find better friends. Over time, you’ll forget about C and J and form new, wonderful memories with much better people. People that you’ll choose much more carefully, since you now have a much stronger understanding of Logic and a much deeper knowledge of Data than when you were 7 years old! 🙂
Let me repeat this again: you are far better equipped now as a logical adult, with the ability to choose friends wisely, than you were when you were in second grade!
I advise hiding any and all photographs of C and J in a hidden place, eg. album called “Damnatio Memoriae” or something like that! (Remember my 30 Dec 2011 speech about “lines of defense” for forgetting bad memories and bad people, etc.: 1) avoidance, 2) keeping busy and 3) fighting!) Also hide any of their gifts (but don’t get rid of them unless you’re absolutely, positively certain it’s final).
If you expatriate like you should, you’ll forget about many people anyway! (You can always use email, Skype and phone to keep in touch with the most significant ones if you so wish).
Hopefully my thoughts will bring you some comfort or somehow be useful. Time, as always, is the best healer. Let me know if you have other questions. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 16, 2013 at 3:39 pm
QUOTE
Many people also usually suck at Diplomacy – ditching long-date friends without GOOD reason.
/QUOTE
I meant that your former friends (stupidly) discarded you like a used object. Which is sad, since you are a valuable person who adds value to other people’s lives.
But apparently not everyone can appreciate a jewel when they see one.
In fact, I often ask myself why people are so easy to forget one’s help, listening patience and understanding. And ultimately, why a lot of people become ungrateful, bitter and ready to dump a friend for no reason at all.
reality bites
Wednesday, January 1, 2014 at 4:09 am
^ I agree. There are loads of people like that out there. It’s sad certainly, but I’m happy to say I’ve found much better friends. 😀 I’m also thinking, women like – not so much J, but certainly C and another friend I’ve dumped, W – them don’t usually have many female friends. It’s very telling isn’t it? C has had a history of not keeping in contact and just straight out forgetting girlfriends whom she used to be close to and who treated her well. It’s not just me, it’s at least 3-4 girls in her past. And I remember we used to be close to this other girl – G – a very nice and funny girl whom we both knew since we were 10, but who happened to be lesbian and revealed it when we were about 18 and started dating this other girl C absolutely hated. C went nuts. Completely cut off contact and told people around her to cut off contact with G. Which I thought was really vicious cause 1) a person’s sexuality doesn’t suddenly make them a demon, especially since it was a person who treated you very well and never did anything offensive to you except came out about her sexuality. 2) To ask other people to cut this girl out of their lives cause you find her sexuality offensive to you is offensive in itself, not to mention, vicious.
W on the other hand, always had some fights or quarrels or huge dislikes for other girls. I cut her off when she told me being 3 hours late to meet me wasn’t being late and was real bitchy about it (think I told you about it). Interestingly, both girls always seem to have some drama episode with their boyfriends. I don’t know if men are like that, but I find it suspicious when women can’t keep/don’t have close female friends.
Which is why, the past of someone is ALWAYS important. People like to argue, you should look at who they are now, not who they were 10 years ago. But who they were 10 years ago made them who they are now, isn’t it? 😉
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 11:38 am
QUOTE
them don’t usually have many female friends. It’s very telling isn’t it?
/QUOTE
Yeah, I believe it’s because these subjects are very egoistic and competitive, and so they can retain friendships only as long as they can hide their true nature. Once they are unmasked, they become more and more lonely… Wonder why? Haha.
True friendships must be nurtured, and “friendships of utility” (one of the three types of friendship identified by Aristotle) are shallow and will only last so much as there is mutual interest.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia
reality bites
Thursday, January 16, 2014 at 2:43 pm
QUOTE
we used to be close to this other girl – G – a very nice and funny girl whom we both knew since we were 10, but who happened to be lesbian and revealed it when we were about 18 and started dating this other girl
/QUOTE
While most people are not homosexual, a few are.
However…
A distinction must be made between “being homosexual” and “having homosexual feelings”.
Not everyone having homosexual feelings is a homosexual. Decades ago, the Kinsey Scale of sexual responses identified seven degrees of sexual orientation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
I think some people are too fast to call themselves “homosexual” while they are “having homosexual feelings” some of the time, triggered by the most varied of causes (chemical/hormonal, emotional, environmental, etc.)
Such homosexual feelings are partly encouraged by the mass media, who tend to exalt homosexuality more and more these days.
That said, yes, some people are homosexuals and would be even if the mass media did not exist.
reality bites
Thursday, January 16, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Here are some other thoughts of mine on the matter of sexual orientation.
1) Everyone must understand their own sexual orientation.
To understand one’s own sexual orientation, having sex is not necessary. Sex is not a prerequisite to having feelings, and can in fact powerfully influence them… confusing the subjects further. Virgins can have heterosexual and/or homosexual feelings, just like nonvirgins.
People owe it to themselves to understand what their own sexual orientation is, and to (wisely) plan what they want to be.
2) Sexual orientation can change over time.
As I understand it, many people, perhaps everyone with enough conscious effort, can move between 0 and 6 (and vice versa) on the Kinsey Scale. But each “step” can be difficult and is not instantaneous.
To me, sexually healthy humans who follow Nature’s plan and understood its beauty will consistently score 0 on the Kinsey Scale (Exclusively Heterosexual), which according to my understanding is the most beneficial score for the person; in fact, scoring anything more than 0 can lead to problems (more on that in a future post).
3) Sexual orientation can be considered a value.
So, heterosexuality and homosexuality are both subjective values.
But to Nature, heterosexuality is (in so many ways) an objective value. For example, as a matter of fact, in the overwhelming majority of cases, Nature rewards unprotected heterosexual sex with the generation of offspring bearing the male and the female’s unique DNA. Carrying out Nature’s plan for the perpetuation/survival of species and the preservation and enhancement of biodiversity.
Whereas, with almost total certainty, homosexual humans will NEVER, ever be able to co-generate in a natural way (whether they can get over it or not), without some Frankenstein-ish technology pushing humans way beyond their natural niches; which would be undesirable in so many ways. To me, Nature is like the most beautiful and irreplaceable of paintings, and I consider anybody trying to ruin it is nothing but a vandalic criminal.
(To be continued soon… I have much to say on the topic of sexual orientation!)
reality bites
Friday, January 17, 2014 at 6:53 pm
Hello from Europe! haha. Yes I agree, people can have homosexual feelings but ‘snap out of it’ once they are out of the environment that causes those sort of feelings. I strongly believe these feelings are usually transient and are a result of the interactions you have with the environment you are in everyday. I was from an all-girls school and there were plenty, countless of female friends I used to have who were confused about their sexual orientation/had feelings for girls. But I thought that was partly mostly due to the environment, as these girls went on to have heterosexual relationships after leaving the school. Unless they were secretly bisexual or something… but that’s another story. So yeah, when people are at the curious age (adolescent phase) combined with environmental factors like being in an all-girls environment or having friends who have homosexual relationships… that causes people to develop those feelings. I think, if pass a certain age and one still gravitates towards same-sex relationships, then that person is most probably ‘genuinely’ homosexual. Hope I made sense.
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 21, 2014 at 8:37 pm
Actually, to be honest, I don’t feel strongly against homosexuals. At least those that I am friends with, they don’t have deviant lifestyles (though I know a few who sleep around a lot, and it seems like homosexuals sleep around more than heteros, on average), and are very nice people. My homosexual female friends are the most reliable i’ve ever met, more reliable than the straight women i know. People with deviant lifestyles in general just dont mesh well with me, homo or not. I’m not terribly into the Nature argument against them as well. Maybe it’s cause I know quite a number of them and understand the discrimination they face – overt or subtle – in many areas of life that I don’t see the point speaking out against their lifestyle..and besides it’s also a lifestyle that doesn’t concern in me in any direct sense, seeing that I will never have romantic relationships with or marry these people… Those I know have also been like that from a young age.. i believe there’s a term like that in psychology – gender identity dysmorphic disorder or something like that. And in my view, they are mostly BORN like that and really can’t do anything about it. So for those who are born relating with such an identity, it’s kind of like being born in with a certain race or ethnicity or gender isn’t it? There’s not much that they can do about it! My only beef I have with homosexual men is that I wished some of them were straight! I just dislike the discrimination against some of them just cause of their sexual orientation (those born with the identity disorder in particular), just like I dislike discrimination against anyone really. But that’s just my opinion.
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 21, 2014 at 8:48 pm
QUOTE
I think, if pass a certain age and one still gravitates towards same-sex relationships, then that person is most probably ‘genuinely’ homosexual.
/QUOTE
If somebody (young or not) gravitates towards homosexual relationships for years (be it during adolescence or during middle age), we sure can consider him/her homosexual. It goes without saying. 🙂
But yeah, since adolescence is when sexual desire prepotently shows up and individuals start to experiment new things… A few adolescents will see that homosexuality exists, “have a try” at it… Then drop it and be heterosexual all their lives. A few others will stay homosexual as they enter adulthood.
reality bites
Wednesday, January 22, 2014 at 2:40 am
OPEN PARENTHESIS. NATURE AND OBJECTIVITY
Allow me a (not so small) parentheses to explain what I think in general.
Exchanging opinions is nice, mind-opening and all; what I rarely say is, one of my very personal goals (while I do research for my replies) is to find out at least some facts of life and stand by them. 🙂 Arduous task… But I feel I’ll make it somehow, in my lifetime. May Aristotle watch over me. 😀
Me and you are but two subjects living immersed in this reality, and while our opinions may differ and often do… there IS something like “objective reality”. Which does not care about our opinions, and will certainly continue to exist long after we’ll be gone. 🙂
Two plus two equals four… “Why?”, ask to whomever/whatever made the laws of Mathematics. Answering anything else could be a form of fictional evasion from reality. “What if” the result was three or five? As much as I love fiction and hypothetical scenarios, at the end of the day we’re all immersed in a ruthless Objective Reality and that’s what we all have to deal with. 🙂
So, when you ask me, what do I think about something? I personally want to answer the equivalent of “my opinion is: two plus two equals four” to the best of my ability and knowledge… Beats me why I should answer anything else than “four”, unless: I am lying, I don’t have enough truthful information to reply satisfactorily or you ask me about a hypothetical scenario. Example of fictional scenario: “What if men had six arms instead of two?” “Then we’d work much faster but need much more energy, etc.” but would we look more beautiful/handsome with six arms? I don’t think so… and anyway, a healthy human only has two arms in this reality, period! That’s my point of view.
The Nature argument is not always liked or interesting… Noted down. 🙂 But know why I constantly refer to this mysterious entity. It’s because it is bigger and more objective than me and you and we’re both part of it… If we don’t look at the “big picture” instead of our tiny backyards, we won’t be able to give valid and satisfactory replies to the very questions that torment us.
Just like a mathematical formula, the value of an answer could be measured by how many cases it applies to. And if it applies to every case or even to “simply” the majority of billions of people, then the reply has great value.
If somebody tells me that I’m obsessed with Logic and Nature, I’ll reply that he’s telling me the equivalent of “you’re obsessed with breathing”. Without referring to them, Knowledge cannot advance and the “Ignorant Billions’ Wars” will never end: billions of people each with their own opinion about how much “two plus two” should equal to! I feel this is unacceptable and an horrific waste of trillions of irreplaceable hours of talking time that could have been better used in more productive ways.
After having debated for thousands of years, it would be great if humankind could reach certain (emotions-independent) conclusions about certain issues! Research must go forward, and it has its tools, which don’t include repeating many peoples’ unresearched opinions. 🙂
Yes… To me, facts are more interesting than opinions. I’m not denigrating other peoples’ opinions of course! But I prefer reading research studies to conversing with many people haha. Though, thankfully, I sometimes meet very nice people (even online) that not only are interesting and recognize the value of facts, but also deserve all my respect. *winks at Evelyn* 😉
Closed parenthesis… And back to the discussion. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, January 22, 2014 at 8:21 pm
I enjoyed reading that! I completely agree that humankind needs to focus on things that are more rooted in objective reality and facts. There are far too many people out there who start a lot of thought movements/talk about sociological issues without realising that they base all of it on their own opinions and not facts! Take feminism for example. Women FELT and BELIEVED they were being treated on a lower level than men. Whilst this might be true in certain cases and circumstances, a lot of the time it is also untrue. Alot of women simply look around them and go ‘hey, I’m paid $1000 lower than Joe although I’ve been here 10 years longer. That’s not fair! That’s discrimination against me and women!!’ And out she goes on the street demonstrating for ‘women’s rights’. But what she and a lot of other people don’t realise is that, they are getting all angsty about things they have no FULL knowledge of. They come to a conclusion based on whatever they have observed in their SUBJECTIVE reality, meaning a perception bias is at work here. And then they go out on the streets waging war against the world. And this is not just tied to the people in the feminist movement, I’m referring to countless of other societal issues out there that makes people get all angsty and ragey.
Far too many people come to conclusions based on their opinions and emotions without giving a care about facts and objective reality. You’ll see many people on here and countless other areas on the internet completely ignore research findings just cause it doesn’t validate their opinion or lifestyle. Or just because they don’t ‘believe’ it. Well, research does not care whether anyone believes in it or not. It’ll continue to exist whatever people think of it. I’m a full supporter of research (that’s why i’m in the industry haha) and have zero patience for people who think their insignificant opinions, silly beliefs and emotions have more bearing on the world than data and facts and objective reality.
As for how objective reality/nature applies to the homosexual debate. I completely agree that there is a ‘Natural’ order to life, ie: heterosexuality, and I hold that view too. However, where I am coming from, and what I am trying to say is that the nature argument cannot be held on individuals who are born with the Gender Identity Disorder/Gender Dysphoria issue. If I can be any clearer, what I am saying is that these people aren’t born ‘the right way’, if you get what I mean, they are an ‘anomaly’ which completely eliminates them from the Nature argument. There’s a reason why homosexuality was termed a psychiatric/mental disorder in the earlier centuries and in some scientific circles today is still seen as such. Of course we can’t know who was born with such identity issues and who aren’t. But I really only make an exception with these people. I do have homosexual female friends who feel they aren’t women and identify with the male role more, especially in society, and telling them they aren’t doing things ‘Nature’s’ way isn’t suddenly going to make them heterosexual individuals I’m afraid. Discriminating against them doesn’t help anybody either. But, people who are homosexual because it is ‘cool’ or ‘in’ or looks ‘fun’ really, really need to get a life and have their heads checked. Asap.
Evelyn
Thursday, January 23, 2014 at 5:13 pm
Hi Evelyn, glad you enjoyed that! And I fully agree on most of your latest post. Time permitting, I’ll soon explain why I may partly disagree on a small part of the second half of it.
For now, let me simply clarify that I don’t hate homosexuals. However, I strongly disapprove “homosexual behavior”, for a number of reasons.
Also, here’s a brief Topics List to keep track of our “opened” discussion threads.
TOPICS
Main topics:
Deviance
“Natural” vs. “Non-Natural” homosexuality: causes and consequences
Repulsion
Violence against homosexuals
Other topics:
Socialization for homeschooled kids
Various unanswered questions left since EWB’s shutdown
Other topics I might have forgotten
reality bites
Thursday, January 23, 2014 at 6:54 pm
To clarify further:
“I don’t hate homosexuals” means that I would never insult or hit/beat them up.
However, as I said, I do strongly disapprove their homosexual behavior… Whatever the cause of such behavior is. And even if it’s not aimed at me. I won’t tell them… But if they do explicitly ask me what I think, they must accept that I strongly dislike such behavior. I am not a fan of what we’d call “political correctness”.
The fact that homosexual behavior grosses me out does not make me “homophobic” (politician newspeak/codeword for “heretic”, an emotion-loaded word to stop people from thinking): it’s just a healthy, natural, heterosexual reaction called Repulsion. (“Witch hunters”, get over it! :D)
reality bites
Thursday, January 23, 2014 at 8:56 pm
Haha, we would have to agree to disagree then. Cause while I do feel repulsed by them on a subconscious level (I’m pretty disgusted at feminine gays than lesbians to be honest) i don’t feel repulsed by them enough to CARE. Haha. I think there’s a continuum..a scale if you will, of things I’m personally repulsed by. And whilst homosexuality does give me those grossed-out feelings, they don’t gross me out as much as people who sleep around, have pre-marital sex and boast about it, feminists and the like. Pre-marital sex and non-virgins (especially the braggy ones) repulse me the MOST. And cause they are more prevalent, they affect my life (when choosing a partner) and are well, everywhere they can’t really be ignored, they TRULLY repulse me. And I care enough about that repulsion to want to do something about it – join like-minded people in preventing the further spread of such a ‘disease’ in society. Homosexuals, well, i don’t see them much where i live, those i do know seem to have gender identity disorders and really suffer from it their whole lives as a consequence of their lifestyle already, they don’t affect my life (never gonna date or marry them) and on a whole just don’t bother me. I can just ignore them. Also, those I’m close to, bar the homosexuality, have way better values than a good number of heterosexuals i once knew (keyword: knew). Also, there’re many studies out there that show homosexual couples raise very well-adjusted children, though of course one may question the intention of such studies. So no, whilst i’m repulsed, it’s not as much as other things and people I’m repulsed by and so I’m not gonna channel any energy towards the group of them. I just think in life one needs to pick one’s battles to ‘fight’ so to speak, and dealing with homosexuality in any shape or form isn’t high on my list. Now, eliminating or dealing with non-virgins, promiscuous people, people with low IQ/EQ, superficial, narcissistic, lazy and irresponsible individuals – that sounds REALLY good. 😀
Evelyn
Friday, January 24, 2014 at 5:05 am
QUOTE
homosexuals sleep around more than heteros, on average
/QUOTE
Thanks for mentioning this. There are many studies out there about this topic, done by various organizations each with their own goals.
Here are a few interesting statistics.
http://www.carm.org/statistics-homosexual-promiscuity
reality bites
Thursday, January 30, 2014 at 11:52 pm
Some more thoughts about homosexuality and gender identity.
QUOTE
I do have homosexual female friends who feel they aren’t women and identify with the male role more, especially in society,
/QUOTE
If we remove from the equation the “cultural brainwashing” making homosexuality and transgendering more socially acceptable or even “trendy”, I understand that there are people out there suffering from TRUE (=not manufactured) problems: chemical/hormonal imbalances (more or less permanent), mental diseases, neurological problems or a combination of these. And that in many cases, such TRUE problems can’t be cured (effectively/yet). In other words, some homosexuals can be “cured” but some others apparently cannot.
QUOTE
and telling them they aren’t doing things ‘Nature’s’ way isn’t suddenly going to make them heterosexual individuals I’m afraid.
/QUOTE
I never said that enumerating facts would convert homosexuals to normalcy. 🙂
According to studies, “facts don’t necessarily have the power to change our minds… (people) often became even more strongly set in their beliefs. Facts, they found, were not curing misinformation. Like an underpowered antibiotic, facts could actually make misinformation even stronger”.
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2010/07/11/how_facts_backfire/
Applying this to homosexuality… If someone (misguided or not) has decided that (s)he wants to be homosexual, there is little that can be done to change his/her mind. (We don’t have billions of dollars in advertising/propaganda budget, so…).
Speaking more generally…
I like it when people agree with my philosophy (eg. rejecting homosexuality, etc.), which I keep as based on facts as possible. But I don’t expect them to agree with me. Good for people if they accept what we call “reality”, though (it means they’ll be more successful people).
One thing is certain; because I tend to stick to facts, people won’t be able to successfully accuse me of being “bigot” or “outdated” if I don’t approve a “modern” lifestyle (whatever that means; for instance, homosexuality was widespread in Ancient Greece!). Far more often than not, there is at least one good logic reason for everything I think and say and for every position I express.
reality bites
Tuesday, February 4, 2014 at 6:33 am
^ I didn’t say YOU said it. I was actually referring to the act of ‘telling them’ as a general thing. Personally I have hinted at homosexual friends that the consequences of their lifestyle is a result of it not being ‘natural’. Generally speaking, and I think alot of people confuse this. The ‘natural’ I’m referring to (and I think you too, RB) is a way of nature, of evolution. What I find quite saddening is that people use this ‘nature’ argument to do whatever they want – have lots of pre-marital sex for instance. Which is also one HUGE reason I don’t use the nature argument to defend anything, I rather use the numbers and the facts 🙂
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 5, 2014 at 1:27 pm
I’ll rearrange your message to make my comments more orderly and intelligible.
QUOTE
(homosexuals) that I am friends with (…) are very nice people. My homosexual female friends are the most reliable i’ve ever met, more reliable than the straight women i know. (…) My only beef I have with homosexual men is that I wished SOME of them were straight!
/QUOTE
We agree that positive personal qualities are independent from sexual orientation. In fact, homosexual men are one of the very few kinds of men that a woman can be truly (nonsexual) friends with. However…
QUOTE
those who are born relating with such an identity, it’s kind of like being born in with a certain race or ethnicity or gender isn’t it?
/QUOTE
It is my understanding that in Nature’s eyes, homosexuality is a form of handicap/malfunction. Read my detailed reply below.
QUOTE
I don’t see the point speaking out against their lifestyle..and besides it’s also a lifestyle that doesn’t concern in me in any direct sense, seeing that I will never have romantic relationships with or marry these people… (…) My only beef I have with homosexual men is that I wished some of them were straight!
/QUOTE
When asked about it, I defend the heterosexual lifestyle and discourage homosexuality. Simply put, homosexuality “spoils the market”. Yes, if homosexuality spreads, even me and you can be negatively affected. You wished that some homosexual men were straight… And I wished some women weren’t lesbians. Indeed, the sexual orientation of certain people DOES produce some consequences for us, even though we may at first deny it.
Just think. Relationships that are never going to start, and future offsprings never born, because of sexual orientation incompatibilities. Scores of parallel universes – annihilated before they are created. What a horrific waste of creative energies, massive loss of future opportunities, and terrible waste of future values. Imagine, the scientist that would have invented teleportation or the matter-antimatter engine – never born. Tragedy.
QUOTE
There’s not much that they can do about it! (…) Those I know have also been like that from a young age.. i believe there’s a term like that in psychology – gender identity dysmorphic disorder or something like that. And in my view, they are mostly BORN like that and really can’t do anything about it.
/QUOTE
Some “natural” homosexuals do fight against their overwhelming feelings. Read my reply below. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, February 23, 2014 at 4:35 pm
QUOTE
cause they are more prevalent, they affect my life (when choosing a partner) and are well, everywhere they can’t really be ignored, they TRULLY repulse me.
/QUOTE
Agreed that promiscuous people are far more numerous and influence the “romance market” far more than homosexuals do. Hence, promiscuity is a more pressing problem compared to homosexuality (but this shouldn’t be ignored, either). I mostly speak against promiscuity, but when specifically asked about the subject I also speak against homosexuality. 🙂
QUOTE
eliminating or dealing with non-virgins, promiscuous people, people with low IQ/EQ, superficial, narcissistic, lazy and irresponsible individuals – that sounds REALLY good. 😀
/QUOTE
Congratulations, you’ve just eliminated 90% of humankind! 😀
Actually, sometimes I feel as if the world would look much better without them, sad but true haha. 🙂
A scene from the “Death Note” anime series just came to my mind…
reality bites
Sunday, February 23, 2014 at 6:06 pm
QUOTE
people use this ‘nature’ argument to do whatever they want – have lots of pre-marital sex for instance. Which is also one HUGE reason I don’t use the nature argument to defend anything, I rather use the numbers and the facts
/QUOTE
There are many wrong (fallacious) ways of using the Nature argument, and we should avoid them.
http://www.fallacyfiles.org/adnature.html
Let me give a few examples of “wrong” appeals to Nature and the consequences of holding a wrong belief.
Many people who believe their smoking “100% natural tobacco” is okay… will still get cancer sooner or later. (Nature’s punishment)
Many people who believe being promiscuous is okay because “sex is natural”… will still get some disease or emotional/mental problem (or deambulation problem if a jealous partner beats them haha) sooner or later. (Nature’s punishment)
People who believe “anal sex is natural” and therefore okay… will still get injured (or diseased, or both) sooner or later. (Nature’s punishment).
But pointing out that if we don’t follow Nature’s plan we’ll have problems… That is quite the reality of facts. If we don’t act according to the “instruction manuals”… Our toy is gonna break sooner or later. And it can’t always be fixed.
reality bites
Sunday, February 23, 2014 at 8:55 pm
QUOTE
I don’t use the nature argument to defend anything, I rather use the numbers and the facts
/QUOTE
Avoiding problems is a very logical reason to do things Nature’s way.
For instance: if you want to avoid caries, you’ll limit your sugar intake and keep your teeth as clean as possible. If you want to avoid being eaten by a bear, you’ll stay away from her lair. Etc.
And if you want to minimize the risk of venereal diseases, you’ll have as few sexual partners as possible (and choose The One as wisely as possible).
Regarding “numbers and facts”, the numbers help to prove the existence of facts but we don’t have to give more numbers than necessary. 🙂
If I say “the Sun appears to rise in the East and appears to set in the West”, hardly anyone will contest me, as we talk about the Sun’s APPARENT motion.
On the other hand, we’ll have to gather more proof if we want to be able to say “the Earth revolves around the Sun”. Which is now common knowledge… But AFAIK, before the Renaissance, few believed that.
Scientific research had to gather a certain body of proof before scientists could say this. But to say that statement, I don’t believe we need to prove that the average distance of the Earth from the Sun is 149,669,180 km; that would likely be “overkill”, ie. more information than we need for our purposes.
reality bites
Monday, February 24, 2014 at 12:24 am
I’m rather busy lately… But I’ll add two more cents of mine. 🙂
QUOTE
Actually, to be honest, I don’t feel strongly against homosexuals. At least those that I am friends with, they don’t have deviant lifestyles (though I know a few who sleep around a lot, and it seems like homosexuals sleep around more than heteros, on average), and are very nice people. My homosexual female friends are the most reliable i’ve ever met, more reliable than the straight women i know. People with deviant lifestyles in general just dont mesh well with me, homo or not.
/QUOTE
I find it interesting (not criticizing, just observing) that you don’t consider homosexuality a deviant behavior but consider promiscuity to be deviant. 🙂
From a statistical point of view, quite the opposite seems to be true (heterosexuality and promiscuity seem to be the recorded normal/common/average behavior; whereas, homosexuality and LIFETIME sexual exclusivity are minority behaviors).
Being a majority, of course, doesn’t imply that a behavior is right or wrong per se. But… Whether we like it or not, Nature/God has definite plans for us… We’ve been designed and shaped (by billions of years of evolution, God, the Matrix, or whatever we may believe in). A System exists and we are part of it. This is undeniable.
reality bites
Sunday, February 23, 2014 at 11:39 am
Simply put, there are two kinds of creatures/people: those who follow Nature’s plans (and are rewarded by it for doing so), and those who for whatever reasons/motives don’t follow Nature’s plans (and get punished).
Nature rewards heterosexuality and has studied mechanisms to punish homosexuality. Here is a partial list.
1) The inability for two individuals of the same gender to co-generate offspring to pass their genes to.
2) Increased health risks of homosexual sexual activities compared to heterosexual copulation.
3) Stigmatization.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma
Now, my comments.
1) Yes, sterile heterosexuals can’t co-generate offspring either. But heterosexual couples are DESIGNED to be able to co-generate offspring. Whereas, homosexual couples cannot co-generate BY DESIGN. This is to reply to one of homosexuals’ favorite arguments, before it is even presented. And if somebody still argues… My God, what do schools teach nowadays. I think I’ll homeschool my future kids, thank you very much. 🙂
2) Self explanatory. Connect organs not meant for each other, and get nasty injures and diseases more frequently. (Yes, it also applies to “oral sex”, heterosexual or not).
3) Homosexuals have been stigmatized/discriminated/persecuted by people in most cultures since the dawn of time. I merely observe that the fact of stigmatization exists, without offering any more moral judgment than I would if I said that in Nature the predator (eg. fox) eats the prey (eg. hen) or that many species of bears are carnivores. We may be against violence, but rest assured, Nature is not when it comes to enforcing her plans. 🙂 Whether we like it or not… This is how it is.
Extra comments…
4) Homosexuality is a HANDICAP (malfunction) in Nature’s eyes.
Anybody not following Nature’s sexual plans is considered to be malfunctioning (and punished) by our mysterious Designer Entity.
I have never seen a maimed man exalt his own crippled condition, but (and this TRULY bothers me) I have seen homosexuals brag and express pride about their sexual orientation. Most crippled people would do almost anything to get back to “factory/brand new condition”, whereas I don’t see the same readiness in many homosexuals to “get back to normal”.
5) Categories of homosexuals.
I roughly divide homosexuals into two categories.
A) “Natural” homosexuals, created by OBJECTIVE PROBLEMS as we said. Two subcategories:
A1) “Natural” homosexuals who give up and live as homosexuals. Unfortunately, they can’t be helped.
A2) “Natural” homosexuals who fight back and want to “become normal”. By all means, they must get ALL scientific and social help available to overcome their handicap.
B) “Learned” homosexuals, who have VOLUNTARILY become homosexuals. They get no sympathy from me.
That’s it for now… Again, I don’t hate homosexuals, I’m merely stating the obvious (which is not so obvious in these “days of the LGBT lobby”).
One last thought about people who confuse the RULE with the EXCEPTION: may INVERSION OF REALITY become a thing of the past. Like, before immediately. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, February 23, 2014 at 12:10 pm
I think the homosexuals you see in your immediate environment affect to a large extent your views on them. Whilst you find it ‘interesting’ (read: weird etc) that I dislike, hate promiscuity and its followers but not homosexuals; I don’t see my beliefs the same way. I’m relating my views on homosexuals based off the homosexuals I’ve interacted with. You quoted a few categories below and I do believe those I have as friends are natural born homosexuals. They are just LIKE THAT since day one. It’s like race or ethnicity or skin colour. You can’t do anything about that really. They can’t change themselves even if they would want to – that would probably involve an entire brain transplant. And these group of homosexuals are the most embarrassed to admit being homosexual. A lot of this group of gays lead double lives and I can imagine the sort of stress such individuals go through just doing that. And in the region of the world I am in, being gay is not something to be proud of. Ever. It’s not something you go and gayly (pun intended) announce to people. I’m not referring to the groups of homosexuals who fight to be ‘normal’ or who are really heteros but pretend to be gay cause it’s ‘fun’. I could care less about these groups of gays. There’s nothing fun about being gay in this society. Which is why I am fine with the group of ‘born’ gays I’m talking about, they didn’t have a choice in their sexuality, they just are, and many of them aren’t out there announcing they are gay or bothering people. And yet people stigmatize them for their lifestyle. The discrimination against them is no different from the discrimination towards blacks or people from a certain race. And I’m not going to do that.
Promiscuous people on the other hand are mostly promiscuous by CHOICE. I am sure there are some people who are genetically pre-disposed to be more promiscuous than others (girls with high levels of the testerone hormone for instance), but most are promiscuous through their own choice, their own poor decisions, and their own weak personalities. I don’t see society persecuting people for their promiscuous choices. In fact they are praised and called ‘brave’ and ‘modern’ and what not. Exactly like the flamboyant types of gays who fight to ‘be normal’ or who are gay by choice just cause it’s fun and what not. These are the types of people who make poor choices but yet want to be seen as modern heroes. And these are the people I completely, utterly despise.
I also think with the first group of gays I’ve mentioned, giving them an anti-homo speech and why it is right or wrong isn’t going to change them or make them feel better. I think in a situation like theirs, empathy helps more than logic. And I also think that if, you, RealityBites, were born gay (touch wood), you might actually be more sympathetic towards their situation. But since neither you nor I know what sorts of lives this group of gays are living out, the kind of stressful double lives they have to lead (which they very much deserve as a punishment for being ‘un-natural’; from what I’ve read above), it is very difficult to sympathize or put ourselves in their shoes so to speak, very difficult to understand their needs and the stigmatization they get, but much easier to just sit here and condemn.
Also, I mentioned the sorts of societal battles humans need to fight. I much prefer fighting against promiscuity cause it’s EVERYWHERE and affects my life and possibly my children’s. Homosexuality? I really could care less. Cause where I live, and actually in most countries I’ve been, gays have their own hang out places and own lifestyles, worlds away from mine, figuratively and literally. If I dislike gays, can I ignore them? Sure. Out of sight, out of mind. Literally. Can I ignore promiscuous behavior/promiscuous people? NO. They are EVERYWHERE. and wearing disguises and leading lives full of lies. They are in your office, in your apartment block, in your churches, everywhere. Which is why I’m actually really puzzled why heterosexuals feel this need to go out of their way to display homophobic behaviour towards gays and discriminate them when they are so easily ignored and don’t even infringe upon your lives (unless you live or work in a place full of gays).
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 26, 2014 at 1:02 pm
Here’s an old study. Teens who skip breakfast lose virginity earlier:
http://www.nowpublic.com/health/young-kids-who-skip-breakfast-lose-virginity-earlier
“Young people who skip breakfast are more likely to lose their virginity at a younger age than those with a stable home life and regular breakfasts.”
So the innocent question, “Do you skip breakfast?” may indirectly reveal the probability that a certain person is still a virgin (or not).
reality bites
Friday, December 20, 2013 at 1:57 pm
I remember that and I agree with it. Skipping breakfast or not eating regular meals has a lot to do with discipline. People who sleep early, get up early, take proper meals at proper times etc, these people are all virgins (real people I know). Also, i want to add that people who have great problems with punctuality (general time management issues) are usually NOT virgins as well. A lack of respect for one’s time, and worse of all, someone else’s time has largely to do with poor discipline AND lack of respect and/or boundaries. This should be extended to other areas in the person’s life to see if they behave similarly. But from my observation, people who generally lack DISCIPLINE (to work in a proper job, be punctual when meeting a friend, wake up early to eat breakfast) are generally not virgins. Interestingly, ALL my close friends (both male and female) are virgins and they don’t display any of the above behavior. People I’ve gotten rid of (like C, J above and others) weren’t virgins or didn’t believe/care much about virginity.
Evelyn
Friday, January 3, 2014 at 9:10 pm
I remember and I agree with that. Skipping breakfast shows a LACK of DISCIPLINE. People who wake up early, sleep early and eat proper meals at proper times are mostly virgins (real people i know). Also i would like to add, poor time management and a general lack of responsibility and focus in other areas in life (not being punctual, turning up late to meetings, not being able to hold down a proper job) usually indicate the person is not a virgin, doesn’t care about it and if is one, will not stay one for very long. Cause all these traits have to do with self-respect, respecting other people and shows a complete lack of boundaries. It’s very interesting how all my close friends are ALL virgins and don’t display the poor behaviors above but the rest who i know and have long gotten rid of (C, J, others) aren’t virgins or don’t care about it.
Evelyn
Friday, January 3, 2014 at 9:14 pm
It’s that time of the year again…
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, December 24, 2013 at 11:07 am
A VERY belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you too! 😀
Evelyn
Friday, January 3, 2014 at 9:04 pm
I remember and I agree with that. Skipping breakfast shows a LACK of DISCIPLINE. People who wake up early, sleep early and eat proper meals at proper times are mostly virgins (real people i know). Also i would like to add, poor time management and a general lack of responsibility and focus in other areas in life (not being punctual, turning up late to meetings, not being able to hold down a proper job) usually indicate the person is not a virgin, doesn’t care about it and if is one, will not stay one for very long. Cause all these traits have to do with self-respect, respecting other people and shows a complete lack of boundaries. It’s very interesting how all my close friends are ALL virgins and don’t display the poor behaviors above but the rest who i know and have long gotten rid of (C, J, others) aren’t virgins or don’t care about it.
Evelyn
Friday, January 3, 2014 at 9:15 pm
OMG so sorry about the multiple posts but my computer kept not showing the new comment every time i posted. =O
Evelyn
Saturday, January 4, 2014 at 5:27 pm
No worries. 🙂
This blog can be slow to display posts and displays less emoticons (having a more outdated software) compared to the old EWB blog, which ruled in comparison.
We still need a new, semi-abandoned blog allowing anonymous posting behind proxies, haha. But I’m not sure where to find a better one. Guess we’ll stay here for the time being.
Anyway here’s a hint, you can type your message in a text document on your computer’s desktop before posting; that way, if problems arise (defective posting, power outage, etc.) you still have that document ready and won’t have to rewrite anything (just add or remove a character if the blog says that “you already posted that”). 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, January 4, 2014 at 7:16 pm
haha nice! I usually type them in Word (if it doesn’t hang my computer)
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 10:19 am
Oh and one more un-related topic! haha. Have you heard of the ‘Law of Attraction’ or related books like ‘The Secret’. What are your thoughts on it?
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 5, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Hello Evelyn,
I’m sure you’ve read this page.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction
Here are my thoughts on the so-called “Law of Attraction” and its related books (“The Secret”, etc.)
Since you quoted Einstein and Heisenberg’s “we agree to disagree”, I’ll setup my answer accordingly haha.
Mix Schrodinger’s Cat Paradox with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, add the Theory of Parallel Universes and some Synchronicity along with the Law of Compound Interest and the Butterfly Effect. Complete with the Four Fundamental Thermodynamics Laws and serve Relatively cold.
These are the principles that may be involved. More seriously, though…
Many think that there is no Law of Attraction. Some disagree.
Here is what I think.
There is no SUPERNATURAL “good things come to me” magic formula that will gift you with a four-story mansion out of thin air.
So my first thought is, if you want to buy a “good things magically come to me for free” manual, forget it; there is no such thing (no pain, no gain, etc.) and I strongly suggest that you save your money for the mansion instead, haha. (Writing a book about LOA can help! :D)
That said…
I believe that with their NATURAL actions, which all start with a simple THOUGHT, people may be creating PARALLEL UNIVERSES.
Example.
Suppose that you take a graduate Advanced Psychology course to improve your CV. Now suppose that you don’t.
So you are at a crossroads: you can either take the course or NOT take the course.
In other words, you can create at least two parallel universes: one where you have advanced knowledge, and one where you don’t. (We should be talking of CLASSES of universes, but bear with me).
By taking the graduate course, you generally increase your PROBABILITIES of improving your situation, however you don’t control the END RESULT of your actions (which started as simple thoughts) no matter how well-meaning. Let me oversimplify this so I don’t bore you…
The “happy ending” universes are the ones where: a giant international firm offers you a qualified and better-paid job because you now have the “cutting edge” over your competitors (universe G1); your competitors win anyway but effectively save you from a crap job (universe G2); you get a better job but not because of the course (universe G3); etc.
The “bad ending” universes are those where: the “big firm” job turns out to be crap and you end up hating every second of it (universe B1); the job is good but two months later, they fire you because you’ve been made redundant (universe B2); an envious/mad colleague goes on a shooting spree at the “big firm” main premises and you unfortunately become one of the victims (universe B3). (Er, yeah, let’s be more optimistic haha). Etc.
The point is, we can have good ideas/thoughts and take action based upon them; but the END RESULT is, more often than not, out of our control. And NO “magic formula” will change that.
OF COURSE I recommend taking that graduate “Advanced Psychology” course (FAR more useful than “The Secret!”), because the (natural) “law of attraction” is simply BEING PREPARED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OPPORTUNITIES and above all TAKING ACTION (in the form of CALCULATED RISK).
But there is NO (supernatural) formula that will bring you good things for free and out of thin air. Noooooooooooooooo way!
Pain and effort is the required price to obtain almost every good thing in this world. 🙂
Closing thoughts… The more you own/have (knowledge, money, etc.), the more you can earn (more knowledge, more money, etc.) and “good actions” compound on each other to create always better (for you) universes. Sure, you can have setback/drawdown periods but in the long run you can prevail by sheer willpower.
The important thing is to NEVER give up (despite setbacks/drawdowns) and keep fighting, planning/thinking carefully then taking action (calculated risk) accordingly. 🙂
I hope you liked my answer. Feel free to ask more.
P.S. I recently suffered a cataclysmic data loss, started with an unexpected neighborhood blackout compounded with a wrong command issued to my PC. But I don’t blame “negative thoughts”, in fact this “negative synchronicity” is mostly my fault; I should have planned that a blackout could endanger my data and should be more careful when “fast blind typing” (I don’t blame the keyboard designer, though certain keys are suspiciously near to each other!). I’ll see what I can recover haha. 😉
reality bites
Sunday, February 9, 2014 at 7:42 am
“I should have planned” => “I should have foreseen that a blackout” etc. -_-
reality bites
Sunday, February 9, 2014 at 8:39 am
Hello! I do get what you mean and I do agree 🙂
I find this topic interesting though. I’ve actually been reading Law of Attraction stuff for awhile now, and whilst I do believe in one of their basic reasoning: that positive thoughts do attract positive outcomes. (Mostly). The way i see it, this isn’t telling people to sit there daydream and great things will happen. I personally think the LOA involves actions as well. And that positive thinking or whatever thought or belief you have (which is subconscious) will unconsciously affect your actions. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s just my perspective though. Another facet of the LOA i like is the whole gratitude as well as making meditation a good practice in one’s life. I used to meditate (without knowing about the LOA yet) and felt quite good.
However, I actually do have a few issues with the LOA (as well as its followers). MANY of LOA’s followers think you can just sit there and daydream of one million dollars, do up vision boards etc and 1 month later, poof! The money is gonna appear in your bank. Err… nope. Another issue, is the whole ‘I attract what i think/feel’ premise. Many people start blaming themselves when negative things happen and only worsens their cause. Also, this is one part of the LOA i find abit iffy and hard to prove (i mean the whole thing isn’t exactly scientific is it) – like we all have a combination of good/neutral/not so good thoughts passing through our minds each day. Another issue that i have with LOA and its teachings, and this is the BIGGEST issue i have with it – is that LOA is very very materialistic and self-centred. Their premise is that you can create for yourself, but not for others. so you see tons of people always asking about how to get wealthy, buy their dream house, get their dream job etc. How to get wealthy is the biggest topic i personally think. Do any of those topics include ‘How to ease poverty in Africa’ or How to narrow the rich-poor gap in East Asia? NOPE. Also, what kind of messages is the LOA sending out about the poor and disadvantaged in society? That they actually had negative thought patterns that led to them being born in Africa or living in slums in India???
The last issue i have with the LOA, well it’s not really an issue, but i’m just abit cynical as to how LOA actually will work for people in general. As we both clearly know, people are negative,unhappy beings who don’t even want to work on character development or any sort of change in their lives. Lots of people are happy where they are though there’s so much space for improvement. They see the LOA as this ‘get rich quick, get what I want in life quick’ scheme that doesn’t need any work, it just involves sitting on your ass and thinking positive thoughts and feeling good. See how it appeals to the lazy (which is most people these days)? Also, what alot of these followers don’t realize is that the benefits of LOA/meditation etc is that it is a very DEEP process. It’s not just some superficial ‘think good thoughts when you wake up’ exercise and everything is going to be ok. Changing one’s belief patterns/character development is a deep spiritual change and it is not a fast, cheap and easy way about it, muck akin to mastering the emotional/meditational aspect when practising martial arts. But people think it is so EASY to just sit there and have good thoughts and feelings and great things are supposed to start appearing. LOLLLLL.
Btw: oh no. could you recover most of your data then? (Have you lost anything from our exchanges from the previous blog? haha kidding :D) I can’t cope with any data losses man – considering the amount of stuff i keep on computer (for future reference) and never back it up =/
Evelyn
Monday, February 10, 2014 at 1:53 pm
To put it succintly, “Law of Attraction” seems simply a “marketing name” for the “Principle of Causality” (ie. action causes consequences), now shrouded in a veil of mysticism. 🙂
Sure, beliefs are important (dictating where we can or cannot “go” in life, what we allow or not allow ourselves to do), thoughts are important (no thoughts, no plan, no action)…
But without actions, one’s dream will never become reality. Even lotto players take some kind of action (buying a ticket).
reality bites
Wednesday, February 12, 2014 at 8:56 pm
QUOTE
oh no. could you recover most of your data then? (Have you lost anything from our exchanges from the previous blog? haha kidding :D)
/QUOTE
Er.. Thanks for bringing this topic up. 🙂
So far, after several days, I recovered most of my USELESS files, but few of the IMPORTANT files (not many were important, thankfully). Murphy’s Law… I’ll try some more though.
Alas, looks like I’ve indeed lost my backup of our EWB conversations. 😦
Google Cache hasn’t kept a backup copy apparently. All is not lost, however. Click here to see a list of backed up web addresses:
http://tinyurl.com/virgology
Thanks to the Way Back Machine (fantastic guys), you can recover 7 out of 8 comment pages about the virginity topic. (Let’s save them onto our hard drives). Covering the period up to the end of Dec 2012.
Click one URL at a time, then jump to the most recent backup that doesn’t say “domain expired”. Or alternatively…
Paste one full URL at a time in the search box (including the “comment-page-X” part (X = 1 to 7) ) then click “Browse History” and jump to the most recent backup page not telling you “domain expired”. If I’ve been unclear, let me know.
As you’ll see, your first post (your “Can I marry you?” post, haha) was just at the start of page 6. Unfortunately, WBM backups don’t seem to go beyond page 7. In fact…
Page 8 was backed up only days after EWB’s “domain expired”… And that is truly unfortunate.
But we’ve lost less material than we think, since Page 8 contained two lengthy (unanswered) questions and something else which we might be able to rebuild from our (organic) memories. 🙂
So only about six months of (slow) conversation was lost. It could have been much worse!
reality bites
Thursday, February 13, 2014 at 3:16 am
QUOTE
I can’t cope with any data losses man – considering the amount of stuff i keep on computer (for future reference) and never back it up =/
/QUOTE
I emphatically urge you to backup all your data, like, *now*. 🙂 Believe me, data loss will be painful, WHEN (not if) it happens.
I’m very much a fan of Murphy’s Law and its corollaries (we should talk about it more than the LOA haha). Here’s a sample.
http://www.opundo.com/murphyslaws.htm
For example, look at Murphy’s Laws Quantified:
01,”When several things go wrong, the one that will go wrong first will be the one that will cause the most damage.
02,”The damage caused is directly proportional to the cost of fixing it.
23,”The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.”
I recommend that you buy at least one external USB hard drive (not pen drive; size will depend on how much data you need to backup but nowadays I recommend at the very least 2TB, terabytes, of space).
Three good IDENTICAL external USB hard drives, if you want to be completely sure you won’t lose any data. If you keep all the drives in the same room, your backup operations will be very practical but your risk of losing all your data to thieves or natural events (fire, flood etc.) may be higher.
Backup once a month for leisure, once or twice weekly for office/professional use and daily after each SUCCESSFUL “vitally important operation” whatever that means in your case.
Keep the data separated from the Operating System at all times, otherwise a system crash/failure can drag some data with it to Hell. In other words, don’t put your data where the OS is.
Backing up to an uncompressed, unencrypted NTFS file system may be best, as Windows and Linux systems alike will read and understand it. If you have to encrypt something, keep copies of your passwords/keyfiles in multiple safe’n’secret places!
Use only VERIFIED COPY apps/utilities. An unverified copy operation may corrupt your data (endangering its integrity), the target copy/file must be proved 100% identical to the source file!
Best to “clone”/”ghost” your main data disk (after its integrity has been checked) over the other drives if you have multiple identical hard drives. Cloning may seem “lengthy” (ie. take quite some time) but is often more practical than “differential backup” (ie. manually copying every single new file onto the other drives – and then what if you forget to backup some files?).
Along with your “offline backup”, it’s a good idea to ALSO do an “online backup”. Many will rent you server space for a fee (encrypt your private stuff first). But there are some ways to backup your data online for free: for instance, you can use Google Drive and/or GMail accounts as disk space (some how-to tutorials on the Internet explain how to do it).
If you want more backup advice, let me know. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, February 13, 2014 at 5:22 am
=O Woah that’s alot of information on backing up data! Thanks! I really need to get my files backed up soon. I have a hard drive but am just.. lazy. HA. I’m figuring out how to make use of my gmail account to store stuff (thanks for that tip!) Cause there’s alot of space in my email. Thing is, I think gmail is very difficult to navigate for some reason. And I do not really like it’s interface… =/
Thank goodness we can still recover our EWB conversations! And your other files of course 😀 I don’t think we missed out much on the last few pages… I might have repeated my questions here above. Now, time to go save those conversations onto my external hard drive…
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 26, 2014 at 1:33 pm
Don’t mention it. I think you may find practical to open a second GMail account
just for backup purposes, so you won’t mix ordinary emails and file backups. 🙂 Promiscuity may be bad even in this field, haha.
Also, here’s an article you may find interesting.
http://googleblog.blogspot.it/2013/11/attachments-in-gmail-now-with-power-of.html
Also in the news…
March 31st is World Backup Day (before April Fool’s Day haha)… Forewarned is forearmed. 🙂 But I’m sure you’ll have multiple backups by then.
Last… The WayBackMachine (the guys who saved almost all of our EWB conversations) lost some costly equipment to a fire accident a few months ago. Thankfully, no data was lost. The power of multiple backups. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, February 26, 2014 at 9:03 pm
Ugh I really have to get done to doing the backups. Thanks for that bit of extra information again! Thing is, the system I’m using at work is linked to this intranet vpn thingy that is in turn HQ-ed all the way in Europe where my company is and goodness the data transferring process is so bloody slow =/ I usually give up and end up cancelling all ongoing file transferring processes cause it’s just so slowww.
Oh, and I don’t have any questions at the moment. So feel free to post anything that you have found interesting!
Edit: actually i DO have a question haha. Have you read the book Outliers?
Evelyn
Tuesday, March 4, 2014 at 2:43 pm
QUOTE
Have you read the book Outliers?
/QUOTE
Nope; but if you want a good book about achieving success and “making it”, you should read “Think And Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill if you haven’t already done so.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Think_and_Grow_Rich
Some swear by the merits of the original edition, others are OK with the revised editions. Today you can read it on the Internet also in ebook format.
Anybody serious about success should read this timeless classic from cover to cover. 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, March 8, 2014 at 2:37 am
Something interesting i’ve found: http://factualfacts.com/health-facts/for-women-having-more-male-friends-than-female-friends-reduces-risk-of-stress-depression-drama-mental-disorders/
I’m actually not surprised at this. at all. After removing alot of female friends from my life, and keeping the more independent, grounded, less emotional and sane ones in my life; i feel much happier, much better and less stressed out.
Evelyn
Friday, February 7, 2014 at 12:10 pm
Yeah, it’s quite possible. 🙂
Women are more emotion-oriented and prone to “emotional overload”. The more “emotionally stable” women help others to keep sane and act as “mood stabilizers” (for lack of a better word) for the people around them.
By the way, I pity the “girly” guys who are oversensitive and/or show violent mood swings. They are men FGS, they should aspire to be calm and secure leaders and not yell or cower behind a wall in tears when life hits them! They fail at their “natural roleplay” miserably!
reality bites
Sunday, February 9, 2014 at 8:20 am
Groan. Tell me about it. I do think society these days are producing more manly women and more feminine men. I’m mostly ok with the manly women…Mostly. But for the girly men, good God, get a grip! It’s such a turnoff. I’ve sat in mostly male groups and listened to their conversations. All the moaning and whining about their lives, and the bitching and gossiping about people. These are the same men who have never done a day’s worth of housework, probably don’t know even what to do to operate a washing machine at home and can’t find their socks without Mummy. And let me tell you, the local men where I live are EXACTLY like that. Besides the emotional stuff, they are un-manly in many other ways. For instance, what is WRONG with a girl asking you to go with lunch with her? She’s not asking for a hand in marriage, she is probably interested and wants to know you better. Goodness, the men here can’t deal with such situations and more forthcoming women like a man should. They take it that all women who make the first move are asking for a marriage proposal or something. FFS. Do you think you really look that good that we women are pretending to ask you out but really dying to nail you to our beds or something??? No wonder the girls here don’t find the guys attractive and increasingly more are marrying other nationalities (I would one of them :D).
Evelyn
Monday, February 10, 2014 at 2:03 pm
Yup; today, many men… plainly put… lack courage. They go from beer to beer, chatting about meaningless stuff with their “partners in misery” and flee as soon as a woman engages in an intelligent conversation with them. We could laugh about it but it’s actually pretty sad.
In the media, men are portrayed as bumbling idiots and are hardly role models for the male population in real life. Still, many men behave EXACTLY like that. No wonder most women don’t consider them attractive.
Courage is one of the ingredients of attraction, one of the trademarks of the Alpha male. Women seek confident males, not elusive whiney Momma’s boys. For what I know, in my life I’ve seen women more attracted to me than to handsomer guys simply because I dared a bit more compared to them. I believe that money is no issue either; as long as a man has some degree of economic independence, he’ll be able to do quite well.
QUOTE
increasingly more are marrying other nationalities (I would one of them :D)
/QUOTE
Yeah, I think that you should. 🙂 In many cases, by doing so you’d also acquire a precious second citizenship… which can be useful for residence/tax/travel purposes, or to get you out of a difficult situation should it ever arise. Many times, foreign citizens are treated better by States throughout the world, as governments want to attract valuable resources and do not want diplomatic incidents. Whereas, most States tend to treat their own population like cattle to be exploited.
reality bites
Saturday, February 15, 2014 at 6:46 am
I find it pretty sad too.. and i find alot of men to be highly unattractive cause alot seem to be stuck at the mental age of 18 and have not developed beyond that it seems… ugh.
True, courage is attractive. That combined with confidence. And I don’t mean the cocky swag, look-at-me narcissistic nonsense alot of men seem to think can pass as confidence. I find it so amateurish and pathetic. But rather it’s the quiet sort of confidence and self-assuredness, without the need to attract attention to themselves.. then again, I’ve only met about 2 men in my life who possess that. Unfortunately one is my current superior… now…. if only he were much younger and we weren’t co-workers…. 😀 😉 nah money isn’t an issue… at least it is not to me haha. Looks only do so much.
That’s one of the main reasons I want to marry another nationality too.. the accessibility to another citizenship. And you are dead spot-on about countries treating their own citizens like cattle and the foreigners like gold (well, depends if you are a rich foreigner or not ;)) I feel that way in my current country so am pretty much dying to move somewhere and work or live or whatever. Doesn’t have to be permanent. Oh, btw, I’ve struck out UK as a potential country to raise kids (possibly, all of Europe even). Was speaking to a friend based there who mentioned feeling appalled when a pastor didnt want to preside over her wedding with her husband cause they already had a child before marrying. And she mentioned that ‘it’s the 21st century and everyone is doing it’. Goodness, i sure wouldn’t want my child growing up thinking it’s ok to have kids before you wed!
Evelyn
Wednesday, February 26, 2014 at 1:45 pm
Speaking of kids… You should consider giving birth to them into yet another country (different from your own birth country and your husband’s birth country).
Many countries offer “citizenship by ancestry” programs, so your kids would then be able to acquire the citizenship of the mother and the father if needed.
And of course you’ll be able to take advantage of your foreign husband’s ancestry to obtain (an)other citizenship(s) if you want.
I strongly recommend that you read ALL you can about the topic of Perpetual Travelling and the “X Flags Theory” (X=3,4,5,6)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perpetual_traveler
You’ll be so GLAD you did. 🙂
I guarantee it’s life-changing stuff, and it opens up a whole new world for you and your loved ones. You’ll start with the cheap legal strategies at first, but as your income increases you’ll be able to do more and be more than you can imagine. Legally save on taxes, exert rights you didn’t know existed, preserve your wealth etc.
reality bites
Thursday, February 27, 2014 at 1:26 pm
Oh that’s very interesting! I never considered that option before now! And I’m sure to read up on perpetual travelling. I want my kids to be as multi-cultural and as worldly as possible from a young age. And I believe having parents from different cultures is a good start but being born in a completely different country from both parents is a great idea too. There’s so much good coming from a multi-cultural/multi-ethnic family. My family isn’t super mixed, just that my mum and dad are from different ethnic background, but that has done me a whole world of good. This might also be one of the better methods for society to deal with racism as a whole. I generally find children from multi-ethnic backgrounds or who lived/grown up in many cultures to be extremely open-minded when dealing with people. Unlike the racist shit some people from mono-ethnic families are known to have.
Evelyn
Tuesday, March 4, 2014 at 2:37 pm
Not much online these days (apart from checking email)… But I’ll post something anyway! So you keep visiting this blog! 😀
QUOTE
feel free to post anything that you have found interesting!
/QUOTE
There you go!
Correlation between lifespan and divorce rates? Oh dear.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natasha-burton/could-a-shorter-life-mean_b_1416332.html
“people with lower life expectancies MAY BE less likely to divorce”.
Strange, sure. But true? The jury is still out… Anyway, in my mind there is this 60-year old fictional guy dead on the floor with unsigned divorce papers in his hands haha. 😀
reality bites
Tuesday, March 11, 2014 at 3:21 am
sure. Would check out that book by Napoleon Hill – thank you 🙂 Though I really loved Outliers cause it’s about how environmental factors play a huge role in people’s success – more than they ever thought was possible. Most people attribute success to individual effort and sheer hard work.
Interesting! And seems counter-intuitive. But there could be other factors at play haha.
I’ve also recently been abit upset about something. There’s been someone I’ve had my eye on, but he recently posted something abit ambiguous on his social media site. Now I don’t know him well at all to judge what kind of person he really is and what sorts of relationships he has with people in his life (compounded by the fact we aren’t in the same country and I see things from a distance). But he posted something on his social media which sounded like he was in a relationship. And the accompanying picture was that of a girl and him at a photoshoot. Well, the girl had her arm resting around his shoulder while he was seated. And that plus the words that went with it (he called her ‘my Goddess’ – bearing in mind that he is from East Asia and they are major cultural differences) made everyone who responded to the photo think that it is his girlfriend. And people were congratulating him on his new relationship etc. The thing is, all of them are fans and don’t know him personally.
The thing that really confused me was that the girl is his sister. I’ve seen them in other photos before and they share some of the same facial features. Exactly the same. This has been bothering me for awhile already and whilst I am trying not to think about it, I am abit upset and confused by it. Perhaps I was blissfully assuming things all along. =/
Evelyn
Wednesday, March 19, 2014 at 1:06 pm
Hello Evelyn.
Environment is indeed a key factor in success. If Albert Einstein was born in some war-torn Central African village, I doubt he’d have earned a degree, discovered Relativity and become a world-renowned scientist.
reality bites
Monday, March 24, 2014 at 7:09 am
QUOTE
I’ve also recently been abit upset about something
/QUOTE
First of all, you should gather enough truthful information about that guy. Indeed, we can often assume things that are later revealed to be inaccurate or plain false.
IF that woman is truly his sister… Well, even taking into account the inevitable cultural differences between two distant countries, it’s weird that he called her “my Goddess”. It conjures incestuous images in the mind. By the way, a tiny bunch really DOES consider incest to be okay. Yes, there actually are men going to bed with their own sisters (!), as gross and family-wrecking as it is. Yuck.
So take his “my Goddess” statement as a joke… However, at the same time, discreetly gather more info (if it’s worth your time). But keep in mind your main goal: to discover if he’s a person of value or not (read: intelligent, reasonable and shares your main values such as “virginity until marriage”).
Anyway…
If you’re romantically interested in him, I needn’t tell you that you should forget about him if he doesn’t meet your requirements or otherwise would make you feel used or “just another woman” in his harem. In that case, move on… And towards more productive “hunting areas”. 🙂 Your Big 30 is getting closer and closer, and there are oh so many other men to examine before finding The One!
reality bites
Monday, March 24, 2014 at 7:45 am
I have other kinds of worries lately… For instance, watch this 50 minutes video if you dare:
Rather than commenting about a set of technologies that in many cases I consider “unfathomably horrific” (because they’re so prone to abuse it’s mind-boggling – eg. who can invisibly read/transmit data?), or the long sequence of fallacies used to sell them (appeal to fear, appeal to wealth, oversimplification, red herring, etc.), I’ll tell you what I imagined in my mind…
As I started learning about the newest wireless technologies, I imagined some kind of fictional Alien overlord saying, “Hi, we’ve masterminded the enslavement of humankind, would you please provide the funds to achieve our global domination dreams?”.
Your thoughts?
reality bites
Monday, March 24, 2014 at 8:14 am
Hello RB!
Hahaha yes, environmental are so important =O but always overlooked.
Well, I found out a little bit more. This guy is from China, and he actually typed his entire message in Chinese – the my goddess bit was one small part of it; the rest were general wishes you wish any women. Not sure if you are familiar with the language, but briefly, alot of Chinese words depends on the context and the usage. Just a disclaimer – I am NOT defending him here! haha, but as I speak Chinese as well, I am always very fascinated by the different usages of the same word. Like he used the Chinese version of the words ‘my Goddess’. And in Chinese it has different meanings; it can mean you see the woman in a sexual way (they used this word in the past to describe beautiful prostitutes), it can mean you like the girl in a romantic (but non-sexual) way, or it could simply mean the person is someone you admire and respect or you put her on a pedestal just as you would a ‘Goddess’. And the post was written on Girl’s Day in China, where men wish the women in their lives well, be it relatives or partners/lovers etc. It’s also celebrated as a mini Valentine’s Day in some universities where guys confess their feelings or whatever.
What I’m saying is… haha. Even after knowing all these, I still don’t exactly know what the post is about. And it’s very difficult to know from online posts. And maybe because of this I’m applying tunnel vision here, but if I didn’t read the post and I first saw the photo, i swear it is 90% his sister – heavily made up but exactly the same person in his other family photos, and they look alike. Also, the photo (from a photoshoot; gosh the Chinese loveee these things) was ambiguous, you could look at it and think it was a couple but aren’t showing any affection. BUT at the same time, it can also be a photo taken between 2 people that aren’t romantically linked. Plus it’s a photoshoot so as you know the poses are highly staged.
Gosh this is so lengthy, but what i wanted to say is that essentially, you are right. I need to find out more information and not jump into conclusions too early. And most importantly the guy must have the same values.
Let me watch your video now 😀
Evelyn
Tuesday, March 25, 2014 at 12:46 pm
QUOTE
I’ve struck out UK as a potential country to raise kids (possibly, all of Europe even).
/QUOTE
I’ve just found this article…
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10717566/Aborted-babies-incinerated-to-heat-UK-hospitals.html
Aborted babies burnt as fuel??? Can you imagine…
“Gott im himmel! We haven’t yet met our burning quota this month!
SIGFRIED! MORE FUEL IN THE FURNACE! SCHNELL!”
Seriously. They allow this in the UK??? This country seems more immoral to me than I thought at first… UK Citizenship can be useful, but the UK may not be the greatest place to live in after all…
reality bites
Wednesday, March 26, 2014 at 3:31 am
Ugh. I’m appalled but not entirely surprised…. I think the UK is actually really messed up socially… alot of their traditional English class values are slowly being replaced by other things. And I find some of the people to be rather immoral – especially the younger generation (no surprises there). Of course it entirely depends on who you mix with and where you are. There are still pockets of areas where the people are more well-off, educated, more conservative, middle class and very well-behaved. The downside is that they can be pretty closed-off and arrogant. I used to think really highly of the Brits too, I like their traditions/culture etc. But when I was there… well you see very different things. The social class divide is extreme and people who are living in absolute poverty tend to never get out of that trap. There is also this overhanging feeling of angst amongst some of the less well-off ones. The crime rate is also pretty high (it’s no different from the US with all the random knife attacks etc; but less frequently) and although I found Central London to be relatively ok; I never felt it was completely safe. Venture further out from London and if you ever get yourself lost in a random surburb when you’re alone (happened to me); good luck to you; it’s scary as hell. There are some extremely dodgy places with dodgy people there – I guess it’s in every country in the world. But most people who think of the UK picture the London cityscape with Big Ben etc and its palaces and think it’s a great place to be. I don’t doubt that it is – but there really is more to it than meets the eye. The class/rich poor gap is extremely wide and causes tons of social problems and crime; there is also a general unhappiness with the relative incompetency of the government in many aspects. I might consider working and living there for a short while, but will never ever settle down there.
Evelyn
Wednesday, March 26, 2014 at 8:13 am
I think you’re right about the UK. That said, it’s almost a “fiscal haven” for companies compared to many other EU countries. I said: almost, haha.
Anyway, here is a useful website for you:
http://www.expatistan.com/cost-of-living
A global, automated comparison of prices (updated frequently!)
Find out how cheap (or costly) it is to live in two different countries, or in two different cities (even within the same country). Try a few comparisons, say between London and Oslo or between Shangai and Sydney.
reality bites
Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 5:07 pm
Another bit of UK madness… The Cinderella Law:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/children_shealth/10732982/Parents-who-starve-children-of-love-face-jail.html
“Not loving enough” a child will be a crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison. (Meanwhile, I suppose, the offender’s children will be forcibly reared by “foster parents” who may TRULY deny them love…)
Imagine a future where you just add “mandatory love-o-meter subcutaneous microchips” (you thought monitoring technology served ONLY to prevent heart attacks…? Hahaha) and you have the perfect dictatorship.
Vague laws (what is an “insufficient degree of love”?)… Faulty logic combined with burden-of-proof inversion… Hi-tech triggers… And the GPS location of the (State-created) transgressor, who will be hunted down in every nook and cranny by social workers and policemen. Due process? Don’t count on it.
And if, on the contrary, one loves his children too much… False accuses of abuse would be ready to be served to the dissident and to the troublemaker.
Welcome to the 21st century… Adolf Hitler would feel right at home.
reality bites
Saturday, April 5, 2014 at 4:07 pm
Yup, I’m not really surprised these things happen in the UK though. The society is a very ‘classist’ one, and the people who are born into lower than middle class families really have it quite bad. There are alot of ‘misfits’ in the lower classes who don’t have the money, opportunities etc to get a proper education and so on and the families are just trapped in vicious cycles. Also, there are many horrendous cases of child abuse/deaths in the UK, just google around a little and some famously horrendous cases will appear – the social workers are tremendously over-worked that alot of abused children do not get they need and end up dying; usually at the hands of their parents/spouse’s boyfriends etc.
This is really the sad effects of a rich-poor/class divide in a very developed country. The rich lead a really good life, whereas the poor though living in a country other people around the world would kill to live in, have no such opportunities.
That sad, I would much prefer living in a place like the UK than where i am now. At least there is freedom of expression, opportunities, people are nicer and the entire environment is just more fitting with my personality. People don’t conform like robots and have interesting things going on in their life besides working and sleeping. The downside of such ‘open’ societies is of course you get a massive number of oddballs and social problems, and that crime is rather high. But give and take I suppose.
I still recall very fondly how although I was there for a day or so, 2 complete strangers came to help me when I was in a little bit of trouble. The first time I got lost finding my hotel and went into the wrong one, so left to find the right one. The bellhop left his position and ran after me, carried all my bags, walked me to the right hotel and waited for me to check in safely before he left. Second, I was in Kensington Palace and was leaving their cafe with my hands full, so I couldn’t open the door. This complete stranger from across the cafe, left his breakfast and walked over to help me open it. Spent 5 minutes struggling with it cause it was so heavy.
Just 2 very short instances, but you will NEVER experience such things in my country. Never ever. Pigs will be flying and money will be falling from the sky the day you do. I much prefer living in a more caring soceity than the materialistic and uncaring one that I’m from.
Evelyn
Wednesday, April 9, 2014 at 7:31 am
Some researchers believe that five sexual partners is the “right” number before finding Mr(s) Right:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2579030/Reached-fifth-sexual-partner-Then-stop-Five-magic-number-Mr-Mrs-Right.html
Find the (not-so-hidden) flaws in this study and win a (imaginary) cuddly Teddy Bear! Haha.
Feel free to comment on this sort of bizarre Love Lotto. 😀
reality bites
Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 2:18 am
LOL I love these debunking such rubbish theories like these.
1. ‘MSN’s relationship expert and psychologist Corinne Sweet says that the reason we wait till partner number five to settle is because we are most sure of ourselves then’. Sorry where is the proof given by Sweet for this? Also, no scientific explanation for why is has to be number FIVE. why not 100, 1000, 4,3,2,1, or none? Just because 25% of the twits taking the survey THINK that 4 prior sexual partners is the best for a lasting relationship makes it a scientific fact. The reason why I can’t take such surveys about love and romance seriously is because most people don’t even know what they want in their relationships. Also, alot of people ‘think’ they know what they want but what their reality is completely different.
2. Few know that it’s only by the time they get to sexual partner number five that they really know what they want, and are confident to voice it.’ Again, how so? No conclusive explanations are given.
3. If i use that silly calculation and get say, 35 years. And then after 35 years is up, what am I supposed to do? Up and leave the guy?
4. Where exactly do her numbers in the ‘love calculation’ come from? How did she get 0.2 here and 0.5 there and all that? From a researcher’s point of view, it’s a completely un-scientific assessment as it is not proven to be reliable or valid.
Some Love Formula eh!
Evelyn
Wednesday, April 9, 2014 at 7:16 am
*doesn’t make it a scientific fact. phew we need an edit button here
Evelyn
Wednesday, April 9, 2014 at 7:17 am
Well said. These are all valid objections.
I’ll add some comments of mine:
5. The 2,000 people who answered the survey were “most likely to settle with lover number five”.
And so what? From a logical point of view: settling with someone, or winning the ‘longest relationship award’, doesn’t automatically mean that it will be the HAPPIEST relationship.
Longest, or last, relationship doesn’t automatically mean happiest relationship.
6. People stay in a relationship for many reasons. Not only love. Not all positive. It could be: ignorance, violence, economic needs, you name it.
Who said that “staying in a relationship” automatically equals “love”?
7. What about the demographics?
Does the survey consider: unmarried mothers/fathers, widowers, separated spouses, divorced and remarried people? What categories are we talking about?
And what about people who stayed Virgins Until Marriage? Many VUMs stay married for life (however long it may be), yet their overall weight is generally very small compared to the weight of people who had five sexual partners.
And how would “fivers” fare, had they stayed VUMs instead? They’ll never know.
Yes, this survey and its derived formula have little scientific value for me.
reality bites
Thursday, April 17, 2014 at 2:49 pm
oh yeah, you are right for pointing that out. In my observation, people who ‘settle’ or who have long relationships (and end up settling) are never really happy people. They just convince themselves they will be, but never reach that level of happiness they always want to be at, and just resign themselves to their fate. And tons of people stay in a relationship for other factors besides love. Fear (of not finding another), loneliness and boredom are the top reasons.
I’m not sure about other societies, but people from Asian societies are the unhappiest in this relationship aspect. They usually have tons of external pressure to marry by a certain age (parents, peers, society, culture blah blah) or get into a relationship by a certain age and many of them just stay in those relationships because of all these obligations/pressure and never leave cause of fear and loneliness. I’ve not met a single couple here who were together or married because they were utterly in love with each other. It’s usually cause of all the other factors they cave into.
Agreed about your point on the demographics. Also, I’m sure if they surveyed virgins ONLY, they would never have come up with such a ridiculous number and statement 😉
Evelyn
Saturday, April 19, 2014 at 5:00 pm
Oh and there was a conversation I was having with someone recently. This person also happens to be an LOA believer. I was lamenting how it’s very difficult to date people in my country cause there isn’t a strong dating culture, people just meet 1 person stay with them for 5 years and then marry, the guys here are unattractive in every single God-damn manner imaginable: physically, emotionally, intellectually, personality-wise and I would be and feel much better being in another country where not only I can get to date more people, there are so much more life opportunities available – work, lifestyle, enjoyment, hobbies, nature what-have-you.
She immediately started to berate me by saying that it’s ‘never the fault of the country, environment, government or guys in your country. it’s YOUR fault. If you have this attitude like you do here in your current country and take this to another country, you will be equally unsuccessful at dating!’
Uhm.. what?
First off, I get incredibly irritated when people use the argument that everything is in the individual’s control, whatever happens to you is never because of the environment you are in. It’s totally and completely your fault! And LOA people in particular, preach this ALOT. It irritates me to no end. Am i supposed to believe that? It’s like saying people who grew up in a mud-shack in Sudan have the same opportunities as someone who grew up living in a penthouse across Central Park. And worse, it’s like saying if these people living in Sudan are living in extreme poverty, the people who die in natural disasters and the World Wars; they had all these and more coming to them and deserved it. Cause it’s their fault, they wished it upon themselves with their negative thinking. How the monkeys does all these make sense?? How can anyone living in reality DENY the fact that your local environment/culture/society etc strongly impact your life decisions?? For example, if I were intending to be an artist in this country and earn enough to support myself and on the side, be recognised for my work, it is NEVER going to happen. Cause the government and society do not support such ‘frivolous’ activities as art and culture. It is seen as ‘stupid’, ‘unproductive’ and ‘a waste of time’ hence there isn’t any infrastructure in place for art and culture to thrive. It’s the biggest reason why aspiring artists here always venture overseas to pursue their ambitions, Europe, USA, even China. That’s because the environments in those countries are supportive of art, these aspiring artists have the ‘tools’ so to speak in place in the local environment to pursue their dreams. How anyone thinks that everyone has equal opportunities to pursue whatever they want wherever they are is completely beyond me. It’s very stupid, naive, ignorant thinking.
Also, and again on differences in environment – I’m again very shocked to see that there are some people out there who think that everybody in every corner of the earth behaves the same way. Yeah right, because there is no such thing as local culture and cultural differences. Am I supposed to think that people in Timbaktu behave the same way as people living in Beijing? or Washington? or Paris? Why then is there so much friction when they are too many immigrants in the country? or why then do academics spend so much time trying to study culture and it’s differences in different countries (or different parts within the country)? If everyone is exactly the same everywhere why do we have these social problems and why do people spend so much studying all these? It’s incredibly stupid to think that if I behave a certain way and not get dates here where I am that if i behave the same way in other countries I’m not gonna get dates as well. Hello??? I behave the same way wherever I go, and in all other countries I’ve visited, China, Korea, Nepal UK etc; I was able to meet and date people very easily. Cause of the simple fact that the men in these countries are very different from the men where I am from. They are more forthcoming and people in general especially Europe, tend to be friendly and it’s easier to get to know them. Actually, I behave like my EXACT TRUE SELF more in those countries than I do here. I find that I have to mask my true personality in this country and over time, it has made me very unhappy, which is why I have a strong desire to go live somewhere else.
Also, how is the fact that men here aren’t interesting exactly my fault? I didn’t tell them how to behave or dress etc; those were choices they made themselves. The reason why I find it so difficult to like anyone here (for the record, I’ve not seriously liked or dated any local guy here. And the more I’m exposed to other cultures, this problem will only get bigger) is firstly, most of them live with their parents and their mums/maids/grandmothers do the housework for them. They have never lifted a finger to help with cooking, tidying etc. Some men even have their mums wash their underwear for them. About 99.9% of the male population isn’t physically attractive, but they don’t help themselves by dressing like hobos whilst out. It’s not uncommon to see men in football jersey/some ratty old t-shirt with 15-year old looking bermudas or jeans with slippers walking around the city centre on dates, whilst their gfs are all dolled up. How is it attractive to be dressed like you don’t even respect yourself? In formal attire, they look equally untidy and unattractive. It completely blows my mind how ugly they can make formal attire look. To top it all off, most have nothing interesting to offer in conversation cause their lives aren’t interesting. They don’t read, take up new hobbies, learn new languages etc. All they do is work overtime, complain about it, complain about everything else in their lives, compare and boast about their wages and how internationally known their companies are, shop, eat, sleep and drink. Also not to mention most men here feel incredibly intimidated by successful/mature/ambitious women and never approach women they are interested in. Yet when the women approaches them, they act all snobbish and reject them ‘because men should make the first move’. Yeah you obviously are not making any first moves, so are you actually really a woman or what?
And I’m supposed to find all that attractive? really?
I get super duper annoyed when people don’t even use common sense when they are talking and come up with absolute rubbish like that.
Evelyn
Wednesday, April 9, 2014 at 11:04 am
Hi Evelyn, I understand what you mean.
Those unattractive-by-choice males are just like Star Wars clones: robots of little value compared to a single Jedi Knight (alpha male).
Hopefully, evolution will make short work of all “men” who behave like pussies. 🙂
As for the willpower-vs-environment argument, again: willpower is important, but so is the environment. A good seed can’t truly sprout, and the plant can’t really grow, if the terrain is barren and rocky.
reality bites
Tuesday, April 22, 2014 at 4:52 pm
I hope so too.. there’s really not much hope for women who want to find real ‘men’. I’ve found 1-2, but unfortunately they are all taken and happen to be from other countries. Just more evidence that I need to get out of this country asap if I want a more wholesome life. I constantly see my more independent female friends shafted for women with nothing much to offer, and I find that quite sad.
Exactly! I lean more to the environmental side of the argument. It’s really really important, but alot of people don’t see it and attribute actions to the individual. But we are all individuals operating in a given context at any one time.
Evelyn
Friday, April 25, 2014 at 8:52 am
You should go abroad for sure… But definitely don’t go to Norway.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/04/08/domestic-violence-campaign-awareness-norwegian-_n_5111105.html
I consider those pictures as part of a covert ANTI-MARRIAGE CAMPAIGN. The message conveyed by the pictures seems to be: marriage = domestic violence. Unmarried, violent live-in first-cousins seem to get zero media coverage though. Strange thing, that.
reality bites
Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 7:28 pm
That virginity and marriage aren’t highly prized there, we already know. But there are more reasons to stay away:
http://goscandinavia.about.com/od/norwa1/tp/10-Things-Not-To-Do-In-Norway.htm
Here are a couple of points about the Norwegian culture…
Point 7… “Don’t Criticize. Keep negative comments to yourself. Criticism of anyone’s system is frowned upon.” And Point 5 is an outright oxymoron… “This is an open-minded country. Don’t criticize lifestyle choices.” Print this on a sign, and watch people laugh at the joke.
Freedom of speech, anyone? Only in theory. In other words… In that country, you can’t speak against anyone’s lifestyle or choices. Not even politely. Self-esteem problems? No, not here, Sir.
In Norway, there seems to be freedom to do, but no freedom to use logic to criticize a lifestyle or way of life. And the bottom line is… If you hate Asia, you’d probably hate Norway with a passion.
reality bites
Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 7:57 pm
I believe that some scientists are trying hard to delegitimate marriage.
Here is a study that would discourage marriage because it makes you stressed. Haha. The Daily Mail sure is one of the best sources of entertainment.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2614380/Being-married-makes-MORE-depressed-Constant-nagging-triggers-deep-rooted-stress-study-reveals.html
I don’t think this study proves anything. As a matter of fact:
1) I don’t know how many people were more vulnerable than average to stress and depression BEFORE they got married. Nor the categories of people who participated in the study (“male” and “female” are a bit too generic), nor their psychological profiles (healthy? narcissist? histrionic? dependent? etc.)
2) Many people get more stressed over time anyway, as the ability to cope with stress also depends on the physical and spiritual fitness of the person. How do I know that this has been factored in the results of the study? 11 years are a lot of time in a person’s life, and if I can cope with stress today it’s not guaranteed that I’ll still be able to cope with stress the same way after 11 years (whether I’m married or not!). Anti-marriage bias?
3) Sure, communication and resource management can cause a certain amount of stress; but I believe that OPTIMAL communication and resource management can REDUCE stress. So, spouses who collaborate in harmony will probably be FAR less stressed than spouses who don’t. DUH.
4) It would be better to not marry rather than to marry the wrong person. But this doesn’t invalidate marriage in the least; if the sample (studied people) is flawed, we can’t blame the system (marriage) if it doesn’t function the way it was intended. It would be foolish to blame the product if you don’t use it according to the instructions manual!
5) I don’t believe many were virgins until marriage, therefore many participants probably had MUCH “emotional/neurochemical baggage” on their shoulders – a MAJOR source of stress.
Do you agree? What are your thoughts about studies like the one mentioned above?
reality bites
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 at 11:37 pm
Feel free to also read about this related, older study:
http://www.foryourmarriage.org/can-your-spouses-behavior-make-you-depressed/
“warm, positive behavior by husbands lessened the effects of hostile behaviors”
“how (spouses) act toward each other has a long-term effect on their emotional and physical well-being”
reality bites
Thursday, May 1, 2014 at 1:32 am
Hey! Sorry I’ve been a bit busy recently. I will read your latest two comments soon. I was also thinking of something recently and thought it would be nice to have your thoughts on it haha. 🙂 What do you think of the concept of ‘first love’ and people being so hung up on it? Everytime I hear someone say something like they can’t forget their first love and what not and I’m like… WHY? It completely doesn’t make sense to me. Isn’t this also extremely insulting to whoever they were in a relationship with after this ‘first love’?
Evelyn
Monday, May 12, 2014 at 8:32 am
“First love” is a very complex topic and with far-reaching consequences. I did briefly mention it on the old blog. 🙂
Firstly, as you may know, in a world where few people focus on developing and refining their own personality, it is VERY unlikely that a person’s first “relationship partner” will also be his/her last.
In fact, according to Prof. Peter Todd’s study, you should date 12 people before calling someone “The One”.
http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/science/2080-how-to-find-the-one-the-dating-theory-that-could-no-joke-change-your-life/
Only when somebody learns what the difference between a “crush” and (true) “love” is, will (s)he have good chances of finding “The One”. In fact, many people’s “first love” is in reality their “first crush”. (Too many don’t know the difference even after years… which is sad).
That said… It is extremely important to NOT have sex before marriage. Sex changes everything, immensely influencing (ruining…) ALL subsequent relationships. People having sex before marriage are making the “crush” problem many, many, many times worse – and most times they don’t have a clue.
In synthesis, people should date much, court few and marry One. 🙂
Sure, people break up all the time… But if a partner is wrong from the beginning, it is much better to drop him/her early rather than later. Sex can keep two people in a bad relationship much longer… making a bad problem MUCH worse.
reality bites
Monday, May 12, 2014 at 12:24 pm
People have many expectations about their “first love”, which is a true touchstone in their life. On that first relationship, anxiety, insecurities, first kisses, and nowadays in quite a few cases first sex, all combine to produce a nuclear explosion of emotions and memories that often last for a lifetime.
On the old blog, I believe I mentioned that in marketing, it’s important to be first. The First one is often more remembered, for good or bad, than the Second one. It’s a battle of perceptions fought for our minds.
Many feel lonely and are insecure, so will settle for whatever “first love” is available at that time. Not quite a conscious, empowering behavior. Quite desperate behavior, in fact. No wonder that apart from the powerful neurochemical aspects of infatuation, there is also much stress and strife plaguing that very important first relationship. Frequent fights, bickering, yelling and worrying can all make the “first love” a very negative experience.
So yes, for good or bad, the “first love” is hard to forget.
Now, allow me to link to some articles. Why “first love” is so powerful:
http://love.allwomenstalk.com/reasons-why-first-love-is-so-powerful
reality bites
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Another article about: why “first love” rarely works:
http://love.allwomenstalk.com/reasons-why-first-love-rarely-works
reality bites
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 3:19 pm
And here is an article about how memories “can ruin ALL your future relationships”:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1121103/Why-SHOULD-forget-love-The-memories-ruin-future-relationships.html
If you ask me, the really interesting part, that the reader may easily overlook if (s)he doesn’t pay attention, is the one where Prof. Helen Fisher has observed “similar brain activity among those who had been happily married for more than two decades with those who had been in relationships for less than six months”
In other words: spouses who’ve been married for over 20 years can be as “in love” with each other as they were in the first six months of their relationship. I believe that the secrets of such long-term success are: dedication, patience, tolerance, and focus. 🙂
So, if a 21st Century individual says “marriage is the tomb of love”, politely tell him/her to get an education. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 3:36 pm
heylo! I do agree! Alot of people make out their crushes to be their first ‘loves’. And I find it abit…I don’t know, sad? that people don’t see the difference. I’ve explained to people before that there are very fine categories in romance. Like I have a few categories: infatuation/lust, attraction, interested, like.. some other stuff in between and then love. Which is why I can never wrap my head around some people calling a 6-month ‘relationship’ where 2 people barely know each other ‘love’ – and it irritates me when people do that. I mean, it has to be something much deeper isn’t it – love. If love has such a shallow meaning in society, then by that definition i have fallen in love a million times before! haha.
Perhaps I’m abit too logical but I simply don’t understand people who keep holding onto their ‘first loves’ or whatever. I mean, that relationship existed in a previous time when both you and the person are completely different people. And now it’s simply just a memory. I don’t get why people would want to go back to that person, what are they trying to achieve? Reliving their memories? =/ Why can’t people just exist in the present and interact with a real person in the present with real romantic potential instead of harbouring all these weird fantasies about a previous relationship long past its expiry date.
Also, do you realise people don’t date? Or rather, they are too impatient to? They just go off on attraction, feel some positive emotions towards the other person and they ‘get together’ from there. So lame -.-
Ugh i remember you mentioning these in the old blog, I want it back!! =/
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 27, 2014 at 9:44 am
There’s this other thing where I’m abit curious about what you think, cause we might not have spoken about this before.. I don’t think.
Would you mind dating a girl who is an actress, in the entertainment industry and stuff. And for an acting part, she has to do like kissing scenes with other actors, would you mind? Or rather, the question should be, should you mind? Should it be a cause for concern in your relationship? I know people say, ‘oh it’s just acting.. but I don’t know. I know it’s acting as well, but a kiss is still a kiss to me haha. I’m too narrow-minded maybe?
Cause I recently got to know someone, and so far he has ticked off quite abit of criteria on my list for a potentially good partner/date so to speak (I’m still gathering information haha, and I’m also pretty sure he’s a virgin). One of the things I quite like about him is that he isn’t desperate for a relationship like so many people these days. Thing is, he is kind of on the fringes of the entertainment industry and is interested to try and get in a little bit deeper. He’s done some really small roles in some shows, hosted stuff, does modelling etc. And recently told me he’s going to get a second lead role in a small drama, the script isn’t confirmed but it’s some type of show centred around modern living etc. Thing is, I know alot of these types of shows these days always centre around romance/love/dating/marriage/who likes who – as if there is nothing else in life to do except these things, yawn – as this is also what garners the most views and sells well I guess. I’m abit worried it might be a type of role where his character has to be in a romantic relationship and there will be all these romantic scenes he might have to do… not sure if I am able to be ok with all that! lol. What do you think in such a situation?
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 27, 2014 at 9:54 am
Oh and a reason this first-love topic popped into my mind is cause, this same guy that I’m talking about. He used to be pretty popular in his field of work (he was an athlete) back when he was still active. I used to be from that field too, but am just in and out of it these past few years. I’ve vaguely heard his name before but never paid too much attention and had zero clue about his level or fame etc. So about 8-10 years ago, he was once linked to another girl in the same field as him, and apparently she was so good at what she did and stuff when rumours of them broke out, people around him didn’t think the ‘relationship’ was a good idea and told him to end it cause she was way more successful than he was. From what he told me, were ‘sort of’ in a ‘relationship’ for about 3 months, after knowing each other for about 6 months or so. I asked him what he meant by that and he said that back then that qualified as a relationship cause she was the only girl he had good feelings for, they got on as friends and one of the few he spoke to often (and almost always via phone/texts) – cause romance/relationships weren’t allowed by the coaching staff/management on his team. The management also felt that they weren’t good for each other cause the girl was winning gold medals left and right or something, and he wasn;t doing well in his sport. so he broke up with her after that to focus on his career.
Ok, whatever. There is no way I can verify whatever he said as that was 10 years ago. But itchy fingers me went to search for his name in the internet. And her name is always there with his! And there are loads of articles about their ‘relationship’, whether they were really together, whether they are friends and loads of conflicting reports about their status. I mostly think the reports from people closer to him (his parents, coach etc) are more believable, and they all mentioned they were together before. On the girl’s side, it’s equally contradicting – she has denied it many times but there are interviews of her where she seems to be confirm it. But then when he retired about 3-4 yrs ago, the media approached her to ask for her opinion. -.- Like what has they got to do with her?! I find it very irritating and kinda upsetting that the local media just couldn’t let it go. Thank god there isn’t anything anymore about them the past few years. But log onto the internet, and all these articles are still there!!! And sometimes, some reports still mention her in them! good grief.
how would you react to such a situation?
Evelyn
Wednesday, May 28, 2014 at 8:11 am
Hello Evelyn, nice categories. 🙂
QUOTE
do you realise people don’t date? Or rather, they are too impatient to? They just go off on attraction, feel some positive emotions towards the other person and they ‘get together’ from there. So lame -.-
/QUOTE
I’ve said time and time again that most people are irrational and many are way too fast to say “I love you”, where “love” is an arbitrarily and subjectively defined word. Perhaps first and foremost they need to read a good dictionary, haha. And quite a few scientific studies… Anyway:
Indeed, for many people the “dating” phase has become much shorter, as they ARE impatient to get to the “relationship” phase (often to placate their own sexual urges). Unfortunately, attraction feelings are a VERY bad way of choosing a relationship partner. In fact, these people set themselves up for SERIAL FAILURE.
Many don’t understand that their time on Earth is limited, and that it would be better to spend N years with ONE carefully-chosen soul mate, rather than X years with idiot #1, Y years with moron #2 and Z years with imbecile #3! (X+Y+Z=N).
Ah, If only people had more patience and were more selective. 😦
(I’ll reply to your other messages ASAP, my “thinking factory” is rather busy at the moment, haha)
reality bites
Wednesday, May 28, 2014 at 5:02 pm
‘Idiot #1, moron #2, imbecile #3’ – HAHAHA!
Yup! Exactly what you said, people are rushing too quickly into the relationship stage to placate their sexual urges. There was a piece of research released recently by a national institute in my country that concluded that exact same thing!! It was more to explain why certain demographics are marrying younger these days in my country and why are divorce rates are increasing.
And while I always hear alot of people tell me to date around more, I think these people don’t even date the ‘right way’. I think dating is also a relatively long drawn-out process where the other person is evaluated objectively, but usually the evaluation bit is missing when people date. Alot of people blur the lines btwn dating/relationship phase and try to do both together. But how can one be in a relationship with someone you haven’t dated (known well)?
No problem, take your time 😀
Evelyn
Thursday, May 29, 2014 at 10:17 am
QUOTE
Would you mind dating a girl who is an actress, in the entertainment industry and stuff. And for an acting part, she has to do like kissing scenes with other actors, would you mind? Or rather, the question should be, should you mind?
/QUOTE
Of course I would (and should) mind.
Explaining the concept of “fiction” to the subconscious (nervous system) is one of the hardest things to do – meaning, next to impossible.
How we reason consciously is often totally different from how we reason subconsciously. Always bear in mind that. What CONSCIOUSLY may not be a problem, it often is SUBCONSCIOUSLY. Our “layered brain architecture” truly is complex.
In my humble opinion, based on what I know, the “fake kisser” subject has a high risk of developing BAD HABITS that would be carried over to a hypothetical marriage. Kissing on the lips somebody we’re not in a relationship with is “bad sentimental practice” to me. A definite no-no.
Add some depression, some alcohol or tiredness, or other inhibition-removal mechanism, and a “fiction kiss” can become a real one or make him/her desire (at least subconsciously) that it was real.
And just you wait until the actor/actress must act in SEX SCENES.
QUOTE
Should it be a cause for concern in your relationship?
/QUOTE
Seems like a “loaded question” fallacy to me. 🙂
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loaded_question
I would not date an actress. Much effort, much competition, dubious outcome.
Another “loaded question” was the title of the old EWB blog:
“Does a guy mind if her girlfriend is not a virgin?”
My answer would be, as always… I’d never get into a relationship with a non-virgin woman. 🙂 Then I’d say… Next question? Haha.
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Thursday, June 5, 2014 at 4:41 pm
I meant: “Does a guy mind if HIS girlfriend is not a virgin?” I want an edit button… Anyway, this typing error allows me to illustrate a point…
When tired (due to lack of sleep) grammar errors become more frequent… So, it seems quite likely that certain circumstances or events can lead people to make even bigger mistakes (even if they think they’re in control 100% of the time – which, rest assured, they are not).
Romantic mistakes made for lack of self-control are among the worst. We should be very careful when we are in a “weakened mental state”, for whatever reason, and get away from a risky situation before we make that mistake.
reality bites
Thursday, June 5, 2014 at 6:30 pm
I’ll post some thoughts about your particular case ASAP… Meanwhile, feel free to read about this study and ponder its words. 🙂
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2168584/Speed-dating-study-suggests-acting-like-love-lead-real-thing–arranged-marriages-work.html
“Behaving like you are in love can lead to actually falling in love.”
Good as therapy for married couples… Not so good for an actor replaying a love scene tens of times to “get it right”.
“Actions are the quickest, easiest and most powerful way to instantly change how you think and feel”. So… If an actor acts long and intensely enough with someone, he may actually start feeling some strong love emotion for that person. Which may lead to problems.
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Thursday, June 5, 2014 at 9:29 pm
Here’s some information that really makes us think… Mind you, this is straight from the website of “Psychology Today” which is a well-known scientific magazine.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200909/why-hollywood-marriages-don-t-last
“Contrast effect”… Hollywood actors are surrounded by women often younger and more beautiful than their current girlfriend/spouse. No wonder that Hollywood relationships/marriages last less on average than “normal” relatioships/marriages.
It’s all about competition… And romantic competition truly IS fierce in Hollywood (a bit less on “lesser stages”, I suppose; I guess that competition is directly proportional to “star power”?).
Competition… Something to never forget when choosing a soul mate… Actors are not “forbidden dates” but a woman must always remember there will be much competition to deal with. Day in and day out. Complain too much, be too hard to please, and the actor may just easily find someone else.
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Friday, June 6, 2014 at 8:29 pm
In synthesis, here are some general points that anybody interested in dating an actor/actress should consider.
An actor/actress, and especially one acting in “love movies”:
1) In order to have a stable relationship/marriage, (s)he must be a truly extraordinary individual, capable of above-average self-control and keeping his/her emotions under control at all times. Is (s)he one such individual? Be objective when making your evaluations.
2) Even so, because of his/her “star power” (s)he has a lot of “romantic options” and therefore can quickly have a romantic relationship with someone – and possibly with someone else, if his/her current soul mate is too difficult to deal with. In a nutshell… Easy enter… Easy exit.
3) Can lie more easily because of his/her acting profession. So does (s)he really love you? Good question. What we think may not always be what (s)he thinks. There is plenty of unfaithful actors/actresses out there… Hard to spot because, well, their acting is good. So, you must pay attention to his/her behavior at all times. That’s a potentially very stressful situation.
4) May be very cynical and defensive, as (s)he is usually well-aware that many people want to exploit his/her “star power” to gain popularity or other benefits. So, be prepared to deal with a person who has “seen it all” and generally hard to impress.
5) The more famous (s)he is or will be, the more (s)he will be engaged/married to his/her career rather than to you. Will (s)he be equilibrated and put you (and Family) first? Not everyone will.
That’s all for today…
Evelyn, you have your reply. 🙂 I’ve simply written it in a more general form, so every reader thinking of dating an actor/actress can benefit. 😉
Feel free to share any thoughts on the subject if you want. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, June 11, 2014 at 5:04 pm
Oh I almost forgot…
What a messy situation those two individuals are/were in.
IMHO he (still) likes her, she likes/liked him back (but not more than her own career), they did well in breaking up (less well if the breakup was fake ie. dictated by pressure from team coaching/management and mass media pressure)… And there are lawyers to remove any defamatory articles from the Internet if those two want to.
Always IMHO, also given all I’ve said above, you shouldn’t pursue him too hard. He may still be thinking of her… Or of one of the many girls he can easily have access to. I don’t think you’d be the center of his life. He may be a good person but his mind may be full of dreams and ideas that may not be quite compatible with yours.
So, IMHO, escape this time-consuming and emotion-ridden “house of mirrors” and head for greener pastures. 🙂 But if, against my best advice and judgement (and the “ticking biological clock” argument), you want to try and conquer this difficult prize (I’m assuming he’s a virgin with good personal qualities)… Give yourself no more than six months of time, and if he doesn’t fall in love with you within that time, wave him goodbye and run towards freedom. 🙂
I hope this helped.
reality bites
Wednesday, June 11, 2014 at 9:29 pm
IMHO life is precious and we should never spend years to chase a single person who has not shown much interest in us. Find somebody close to where you want to live (but not quite on the workplace – see my years-old post) that you have many things in common with, likes you back and is a virgin. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, June 11, 2014 at 9:56 pm
Quote: Explaining the concept of “fiction” to the subconscious (nervous system) is one of the hardest things to do – meaning, next to impossible.
This. Which is why whenever someone tells me ‘it’s JUST acting’, I feel something in my gut that that statement is just wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s not JUST acting, at least not to me, I’ve been in theatre before and I mostly find it very difficult to separate my personality from my character’s (But that could be cause I was an amateur haha). But I never really understood why people think it’s ok just cause the actor is ‘in character’ and therefore ‘it isn’t real’. I mean of course it IS real! The actor’s human right?! A kiss is still a kiss to me, whether ‘in character’ or not.
Totally agree on the subconscious not being able to tell the difference. And this is partly why I feel a lot of actors have very unstable lives. I think a lot of them can’t really separate ‘fiction’ (their roles) from reality. And why the bad habits from their roles (drinking, kissing, anger problems etc) just melt into their real character and causes a lot of problems.
Quote: Seems like a “loaded question” fallacy to me
Haha, it certainly is! 😉 My apologies.
Quote: “Behaving like you are in love can lead to actually falling in love.”
Very interesting study, and very real, in my experience. Actions do speak louder than words (or thoughts), and don’t always align with what we are thinking.
Also, I liked how an acquaintance viewed acting, she told me nowadays with the increasing number of love/sex scenes, it is like a free-for-all for all these actors, like being in an ‘open relationship’ and enjoying all the physical perks without any emotional strings attached.
Another acquaintance told me love scenes are alright because he’s ‘doing it for the money, and it’s his job’. Well, I’m sure he can choose other ways of earning money without having to cheapen himself in the process, and if he really wanted to act or ‘because it’s his job’, there are many other roles that he can consider (that may pay lesser) but have zero love scenes. I personally know someone like that and it can be done, but the thing is, nobody these days wants to ever consider that. Also, not everything in life is run by $$$$$$$.
Evelyn
Thursday, June 12, 2014 at 1:52 pm
Another very interesting study from psychology today. And lol @ ‘the mating career of Tom Cruise’. Also, interesting that they pointed our male teachers, because honestly I do know at least more than 5-10 male teachers over the years who have left their wives/remarried multiple times (to much younger women)/had affairs with students they were teaching. It’s all due to the availability and accessibility of these women in their environments. Also, the study didn’t mention this, but I think it makes a case for why dirty magazines like playboy and porn videos should never cross a guy’s path. 😉
Haha, thanks for the pointers! I’m always REALLY curious about number 3. Really really curious. Because, how are you gonna know if the person is lying/pretending when they do that day in and day out for their careers? 🙂
Evelyn
Thursday, June 12, 2014 at 2:01 pm
Quote: What a messy situation those two individuals are/were in.
Yup =/ Again, I’m not sure why so many people get themselves into such messy romantic situations and pay the price later.
Quotes: IMHO he (still) likes her, she likes/liked him back (but not more than her own career)
Just genuinely curious, what about the situation made you think he still likes her? I’m not sure about her (and could care less, ha), but from what I know she’s been married for a few years to another chap.
6 months sounds like a good time, we will see where this goes 😉
On a related note to what you mentioned – what are the signs that would make you sure that the person you are seeing still feels something for their ex(es)? Even if it was someone they were with like 10-15 years ago? From my experience with such people, they 1. Can’t seem to stop talking about their exes (keep talking about them at every chance they get). Huge red flag OR 2. they say they are over the ex, but whenever they speak of them, there’s a sort of wistfulness/longing/bitterness/anger that makes me really think they aren’t over them at all. And 3. I’m personally very wary of people who stay friends with their exes and even go the mile and hang out with them. Though I do know of people who do this in a completely acceptable, platonic manner and it seems fine. I wonder what are some other signs.
I also would like to say something about women – but I find that there are lots of women out there who have no boundaries or morals when it comes to contacting ex(es). Normally I would think it would be the men who lack boundaries, but in my experience it has always been the woman. I’ve been with guys who’s ex-gfs would initiate contact with the guys every now and then, even after the guy has told them he’s with someone else now or hasn’t bothered replying them; and even when the ex-gfs themselves are seeing/married to other people. I find this behaviour to be extremely attention-seeking and utterly disgusting, even more disgusting and appalling is that it is always the woman who doesn’t have boundaries. Actually, in general I find the lack of morals in a lot of women disgusting.
Also, have you met anyone who can’t stop thinking about people already so long out of their lives? =/ This completely doesn’t make sense to me at all, because once a person is out of my life, they are out. I don’t sit around basking in thoughts of them or what could have been. Plenty of fish out there in the sea.
Evelyn
Thursday, June 12, 2014 at 2:19 pm
Oh yes! There’s this one other thing I wanted to ask you about. We actually discussed it on the previous blog… sigh how i miss that place, i could press ctrl+F to find anything I wanted easily 😦 Now i have to keep asking you to repeat you’ve said before…oh well.
I wanted to ask you about comparisons, you know, the ones we do with the exes of our current partner we are dating/in a relationship with etc. A lot of people don’t think it’s important and will tell you not to think so much. But I think it’s completely natural for humans to compare; we are all pretty competitive and want to come up ‘first’ so to speak. We want to be better, hotter, better-looking, smarter, more talented than the exes of our partner.
Since it’s a very natural and common thing, what can we do to stop it? After all, it’s extremely rare now to find anyone who doesn’t have an ‘ex’ or some ‘romantic liaison’ of some sort… people start so early these days. One thing I personally do is not to look for (i.e.:stalk Facebook etc) or ask for too much detail of previous relationships. I honestly don’t want to know too much, as i don’t think it helps, it makes one feel worse actually. But then again, how do you ask for the important details (say, length they were together, what kind of people they were like etc) without having to know/hear about the less important details?
Evelyn
Sunday, June 15, 2014 at 8:49 pm
I found something pretty interesting. I was at a social event with him over the weekend and somehow managed to spend 2 hours talking to an acquaintance of his, whom, surprise surprise used to be a close friend of his ‘ex-gf’ when they were dating. Guess what, according to this friend; they were never together. As in, the ‘ex-gf’ never ever considered them a couple. She just felt they were very good friends but had never treated what they had as a romantic relationship. According to her (the ex-gf), that perception (of them being a couple) came from him and him only, and any media reports about them was always from his perspective. True enough when i went to quickly browse their old news items again, the media always seemed to be reporting things from his perspective, kind of always acting like an inside spokesperson for his side of things. There are rarely, if ever, anything from the girl’s side; and if she ever spoke about them, it was to say they are just friends and not a couple. Her previous interviews also struck me as someone who was a bit balanced in her views on things, unlike his interviews, which always sounded abit emotional and immature…
I know this was 10 years ago and people change lot… but, Isn’t this interesting? Who exactly is lying? So, how do you ‘break up’ with someone you were never together with?? How does that happen? Do we have a very deluded guy on our hands? HAHA, ok, he doesn’t seem that way now, but this revelation is pretty interesting. Cause I’ve seen such a guy before. In fact, my previous ex (the one I shared about in my very first post in the previous blog), was EXACTLY like this guy. My ex would call previous girls whom he had ‘romantic liaisons’ with, his ex-girlfriends. I honestly thought they were like serious, long-term relationships, not the lame types where you talk on the phone for months and only met each other a few times; but when I probed more, I found out that those were more the latter than the former. And half the time, the women seemed to just treat him like a friend, meaning the ‘relationship’ was a romance (absolutely one-sided) from his point of view, but it was just friendship/fooling around to the women. Which means – to me – those weren’t relationships at all! Come on, how do those qualify as relationships? If that’s the definition, I would have about like a hundred by now. Kidding, kidding 😉
This is very interesting, cause it’s 2 guys displaying the exact same behaviour trait…creepy. But this really makes me wonder.. such people really exist? i mean, how can someone be so deluded/idealistic/desperate? that you would call any random person of the opposite sex you were hanging out with a girlfriend when the girls displayed more friendly characteristics than romantic?? =/=/=/ extremely puzzled!
Evelyn
Monday, June 16, 2014 at 12:01 pm
My willpower these past few days hasn’t been too good. I’ve succumbed and been reading too much of those past articles on the internet. =/
Was trying to see what I can find from the girl’s side, and mostly came up with nothing. She never voluntarily speaks to reporters, and if she does, never volunteers information about him/them. If asked about him, she doesn’t react or get defensive or coy or tries to side-step the question, she just responds directly and objectively; that they are friends. And when he retired and I initially thought she voluntarily chose to pass him a message through the media; it wasn’t like that as well. She was specifically asked about him (again), and she went on to give a very objective reply about why athletes retire and then wished him well. There was this one article where she was apparently interviewed and spoke at length about him, but it read like a gossip magazine article than anything else. On the other hand, like i mentioned, he usually is pretty willing to be interviewed, and I’m guessing (it’s not very clear as the articles are a mess) he volunteers information about them. And also because he’s very coy/wishy-washy/indirect in his answers concerning their status, the media just plays off that and starts a whole bunch of rumours (I don’t understand why would anyone be coy in those circumstances, how very odd). But mostly the stuff that says they are together comes from him/his perspective/his side. He uses very vague words like ‘our relations were good’ instead of coming outright and saying they were together/in love or whatever. So all pretty weird. The internet stuff is a mess and I didn’t read too far, but it seems like he liked her/perceived those friendly feelings as attraction. She thought they were very good friends but never liked him romantically. It’s all pretty weird.
Sigh, it is pretty uncharacteristic but this has been upsetting me a little over the past few days 😦 Cause the thing is, he has never dated/been in a relationship after that episode. So alot of the media stuff about his romantic life is simply stuck at that episode between them, you get what i mean? If he had dated someone else after that, people would have moved on. It bothers me alot, Like I feel like I’m in a competition with these media articles. And I’m not sure who in the world likes to read about the past relationships of your current date all over the internet?!
In addition, I have nothing against the girl, and I’m not jealous of her at all. I would have had these same feelings/thoughts if it had been someone else altogether. But as usual (think we have spoken about this before), I’m jealous that someone I sort of like now used to have feelings for someone else, plus it’s available on the net for me and the whole world to read about. Like I will read stuff and go like, ok, he hasn’t done this for me; ok I’m not like that at all, I;m not like her in this respect and I feel down. You know, The inevitable comparison.
And I’m also not sure if it’s advisable to ask him about them in more detail? Would that make me feel better(I don’t think so)? I’m guessing the answer from you would be no. I’m inclined to say no too but there seems to be this itch that i need to know more. Sigh.
Evelyn
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 7:39 am
Just wanted to add: it’s abit difficult sometimes to not be tempted to ask. Cause it was such a public ‘relationship’ and everyone/the media/his camp made it out to be such a big deal, that it really makes you want to know what REALLY went on.
Evelyn
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 7:40 am
Whoa Evelyn, slow down and smell the roses! 🙂
Don’t ask him just yet. I’ll reply to you ASAP and will explain why.
reality bites
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 11:41 am
Sorry if I’ll summarize a lot, but you’ve asked many things… 😉
QUOTE
how are you gonna know if the person is lying/pretending when they do that day in and day out for their careers?
/QUOTE
You must become an expert at “information warfare”. You must obtain accurate info, about people but also about things. Things that “don’t add up” from a Logic point of view can reveal the existence of lies and help in the search for truth.
“Reading people” is a very important skill to develop, and you must especially pay attention to NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonverbal_communication
Since tightly controlling emotions, postures and facial muscles at all times is hard, even a good actor/actress sooner or later will make a false step and give away information about their true mood, true loyalties and true thoughts/plans.
The linked article mentions various sciences/subjects: paralanguage, kinesics, haptics, proxemics, chronemics, oculesics. And I’m sure there are many other -ics to study out there if we want to fully understand an individual’s personality and situation.
I’ll read some stuff when I have time. 🙂 And I believe you’ll read something about all this stuff as well. As it’s interesting AND useful!
reality bites
Friday, June 20, 2014 at 4:57 pm
A basic article.
http://psychology.about.com/od/nonverbalcommunication/a/nonverbaltypes.htm
reality bites
Friday, June 20, 2014 at 5:35 pm
And here’s a precious resource: the Nonverbal Dictionary of the CNS institute.
http://www.center-for-nonverbal-studies.org/./6101.html
For example, click on the last link:
“ZYGOMATIC SMILE”
“…the zygomatic smile is a more accurate reflection of mood”.
Anyway, in order to make use of all the resources quoted above, you’d have to get close to the target or at least see some (nonfiction) videos of him (any YouTube interviews of the guy might be enough). Let me remind you that:
1) Spying is never condoned and in many cases may be illegal – but so revealing that some will do it anyway. (Never do anything illegal!)
2) Before speaking to your target, you should “study” him from a safe distance – (legally) gathering all the info you can then using Logic to see how true and accurate that info is. At least something of what “doesn’t add up” is probably false or inaccurate.
3) In any case, remember that people tend to be more truthful when they are relaxed and do not believe they are being observed.
Only when you’ve gathered enough info (ie. all you legally can), can you then speak to your target and acquire further info ie. his side of the tale (to check against your gathered facts!). A tiny few people would hire an investigation agency, but I don’t recommend this costly stuff in your particular case.
In fact… Given all you’ve told me so far, I believe that you shouldn’t pursue this guy too hard, for the reasons I’ll explain in my next post. ETA: ASAP. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, June 20, 2014 at 6:01 pm
Quick comment about your earlier sentence…
QUOTE
nowadays with the increasing number of love/sex scenes, it is like a free-for-all for all these actors, like being in an ‘open relationship’ and enjoying all the physical perks without any emotional strings attached.
/QUOTE
You wouldn’t believe the sex stories (narrated by certain newspapers, books and other written media) that supposedly happened “in the backstage” of certain famous movies and TV series… Even with all the hype and bullshit, some stuff must be true… Orgies, drugs and alcohol… Sad stuff. Stuff that simply reading about it makes you want to leave the cinema or stop watching the TV series every time you see those innocent-looking faces. (Spellable as: f-o-e-c-e-s!)
Anyway… Back to the main topic. (To be continued…)
reality bites
Saturday, June 21, 2014 at 7:01 am
QUOTE
(Spellable as: f-o-e-c-e-s!)
/QUOTE
… Replace “o” with “a”. Damn Medical English. Can’t believe I’ve spelled it wrong. This is a patently obvious “badly need sleep” signal for me. 😀
reality bites
Saturday, June 21, 2014 at 7:18 am
QUOTE
Another acquaintance told me love scenes are alright because he’s ‘doing it for the money, and it’s his job’. Well, I’m sure he can choose other ways of earning money without having to cheapen himself in the process, and if he really wanted to act or ‘because it’s his job’, there are many other roles that he can consider (that may pay lesser) but have zero love scenes. I personally know someone like that and it can be done, but the thing is, nobody these days wants to ever consider that. Also, not everything in life is run by $$$$$$$.
/QUOTE
In this respect, “doing it for the money” could be likened to a form of “light prostitution”. Sometimes “not-so-light prostitution”, actually. Definitely NOT something that helps to keep emotions under control and to stay virgin until marriage.
reality bites
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 9:48 am
QUOTE
Quote: Seems like a “loaded question” fallacy to me
Haha, it certainly is! 😉 My apologies.
/QUOTE
No apology necessary. 🙂 We humans often assume things based on our experience. The common (wo)man obviously can’t know in advance why (based on facts) this strange RB guy (:D) would not date an actress generally speaking. 🙂
QUOTE
I’m not sure why so many people get themselves into such messy romantic situations and pay the price later.
/QUOTE
Mainly: myopia, as defined by Wikipedia:
“Myopia… cognitive thinking and decision making that is narrow in scope or lacking in foresight or in concern for wider interests or for longer-term consequences.”
“(A myopic) decision … may be beneficial in the present, but detrimental in the future… a (myopic) viewpoint … fails to consider anything outside a very narrow and limited range.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myopia
By this definition, many people are mentally and spiritually myopic, and make very myopic decisions. As emotions-based decisions are very often myopic ones.
In a broader sense… Many people are, quite simply, stupid.
QUOTE
what about the situation made you think he still likes her? I’m not sure about her (and could care less, ha), but from what I know she’s been married for a few years to another chap.
/QUOTE
Because as far as I know, when someone is in a relationship (s)he enjoys and quits because of peer pressure or life worries, that someone can go into a “unresolved feelings mode” and somehow keeps thinking (sometimes obsessively so and for many years) of the former Significant Other. Unless replaced with a “newer and better” Significant Other, if the two original lovers ever meet again or happen to live very close to each other, the passion may rekindle. At least for one of the two ex-lovers…
However, if your Actor Target (AT for short from now on) actually NEVER WAS in a relationship with the woman you mentioned, I can’t think many good thoughts about him…
reality bites
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 10:26 am
Which brings me to discuss this AT guy.
Initially, I got this impression that AT and AF (his Athlete Friend woman) broke up because of peer pressure or life worries. Good or bad decision depending on points of view.
But since you gave me more info later, I believe that AT and AF actually NEVER WERE into a relationship with each other. This may indeed be the truth. And if this is the truth… Then AT may be a liar, a “big talker” and/or a potential stalker (since he may not accept the end of an existing relationship OR that a relationship NEVER EXISTED in the first place… take note, hint hint!)
reality bites
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 11:15 am
Let’s reason about AT’s “we are/were in a relationship” articles. But let’s keep the two people’s identities a secret.
If she (AF) ignores their existence, she can’t print counter-articles to deny the past relationship in print for sure. In this case, lack of printed denial doesn’t equate with lack of a former relationship per se.
But a few of her numerous friends and fans probably told her by now, so it is my guess that she probably knows about the existence of the mentioned one-sided articles.
If she knows that such articles exist, she could have hired a lawyer to sort things out and/or have counter-articles printed to deny the past relationship (existing or not).
Since she probably didn’t hire a lawyer nor print counter-articles (you’d have told me), she either 1) was in a relationship with the AT guy, OR 2) she wasn’t. And if she wasn’t, she either 2a) didn’t want to start a “gossip war” that would have hurt her reputation more than just ignoring the articles, OR 2b) she didn’t want to ruin a good friend.
Bottom line… Since she and all her friends uniformly keep denying the existence of the relationship, I believe that indeed no relationship existed in the first place. As it’s hard to keep a secret for long, and all her friends keep denying… I believe that the truth is, the relationship between AT and AF never existed.
reality bites
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 11:53 am
No matter how you look at it… My opinion is negative.
1) If the relationship between two people existed…
Then ask yourself why it ended. Would you date a guy who yields to peer pressure, or terminates a relationship because of life worries, or maybe made his woman uncomfortable in some way? (The woman later did marry another guy, who probably made her more comfortable that his former boyfriend!)
2) If the relationship never existed…
Would you date a guy that not only wrongly perceived the existence of a relationship that never was, but one-sidedly bragged about it on the newspapers for years? Would you consider such a person to be a “big talker” and maybe a liar and a potential stalker? I certainly would.
Either way… Would you date a guy who chooses a girlfriend based on emotions rather than logic, and as a “romantic actor” is exposed to a high risk of infidelity by virtue of his working environment and love scenes alone?
So… In closing:
If I were you, unless newer and more favorable information emerge from credible sources, I wouldn’t talk to him – but do what you will. 🙂
If you do want to talk to the guy… To get his side of the tale… You can do that. But if after talking to him, you find yourself to be amused by his explanations… Well… Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 🙂
Anyway, again, keep the identities secret – better that way.
Next topic coming up… Competition, in reply to your questions about it. But this will be for my next post.
reality bites
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 12:27 pm
I’ve also said, in the past, that people should be far more selective when choosing a relationship partner (including their “first love”).
That’s what the “dating” phase is for… To understand, as quickly as possible, if the other is “relationship material” or not.
People should resort to reason, not emotions, when choosing a relationship partner (especially when choosing a MARRIAGE partner). But many are irrational, so they will not listen and will get hurt by their own stubborness (and in many cases, outright stupidity…).
Ultimately, the major obstacle between people and happiness is… themselves. They are their own worst enemy.
QUOTE
Isn’t this also extremely insulting to whoever they were in a relationship with after this ‘first love’?
/QUOTE
Exactly. One can’t give 100% to the current relationship partner, if the previous partners aren’t put “in the memory hole” ie. forgotten. (Again, much harder if sex happened).
No matter what… Men and women should focus to live in the present, not in the past. My advice to “survivors” is to “get rid of bad investments” (ie. dump’n’forget bad relationship partners), accept that lost time will not come back, and move on: I’m sure that better days are in front of you. 🙂
“Space we can recover, time never.”
(Napoléon Bonaparte, conqueror and military genius)
reality bites
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 1:19 am
Do you agree with my statement that this post is awesome? gdcgeaeedbeg
Johne468
Thursday, May 22, 2014 at 8:07 pm
Hi, are you a bot? “gdcgeaeedbeg” is your tracking code or simply an AI bug? Haha.
If none of the above… Thanks! 😀
reality bites
Thursday, June 12, 2014 at 2:08 am
Whoa Evelyn, slow down and smell the roses! 🙂
Don’t ask him just yet. I’ll reply to you ASAP and will explain why.
reality bites
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 11:30 am
Double post. :E
reality bites
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at 11:43 am
Haha no problem 🙂
Evelyn
Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at 8:04 am
I decided to start a new thread cause that was getting too long!
—–
Oh I love body language stuff and non-verbal communication! What I especially am very sensitive to are the energy/vibes that people give off. For some reason, I can literally SMELL an insincere/fake/un-genuine/liar from a mile away. The fake-ness and insincerity just ooze out from their pores. Yucks. I stay away from those. I’m also particularly sensitive to nasty, insecure people (loads of people are like that) who have zero inner confidence and love to put others down. Not the type I want to hang with. Will read up more about non-verbal language in those links 😉
I personally find it abit difficult to suss someone out accurately based on videos. Have you managed to master that? I think it’s because I’m so sensitive to a person’s vibes that I need to be right there to have an accurate impression of the person. Also, I do find that A LOT of people lie in interviews, and especially so when they KNOW the camera is on them or their voices are being recorded. The fact that they are recorded in some way makes them self-conscious and lie (impression management tactic).
And what do you think about ‘spying’ on someone’s social media? Ie: facebook,twitter etc. I think it is accurate in certain ways, but I’ve mostly found it to be inaccurate, as there’s some major image-management thing going on with these stuff. There have been many cases where I thought a person was a certain way, and I met them in person and found them to be utterly un-impressive; unlike what they post on their social media!
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:51 pm
Haha, I almost about passed out from your ‘to be continued’ posts… talk about suspense, lol.
I’m sure some of those stories about orgies etc are true. Also, some of these entertainment industry people are just outright indecent people. It takes a certain type of people to be attracted to this industry sometimes. I don’t believe all of them are like that, but a good number are pretty immoral individuals.
I do have a friend who is pretty active in the theatre industry here. She’s not an actress, but part of a crew, and even she’s had weird random actors (who are married by the way), approach her and ask her to perform sexual favours for them. She was smart enough and strong-willed enough not to succumb (but even she had her weak moments where she felt like going through with it). But had it been another girl who was extremely willing, the consequences would be different. I shudder just thinking about it. And our theatre industry here is TINY. Imagine a country where such industries are much larger with more money at stake. Yikes!
Also, yes, ‘doing it for the money’ is a form of prostitution to me. Any sort of sexual act in any movie is a form of prostitution/porn to me, except society packages it with a nice pink ribbon and calls it ART. And because it’s ART, it’s not wrong! Sarcasm**
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm
OMG tell me about myopia. I was talking to a friend recently about this, and we were both kind of wondering aloud why can’t we find men who can think of the future consequences of their present actions; before they commit themselves to anything.. and we both concluded such men are a rare breed, and we would both be fighting each other over any we do manage to find haha. But yeah, it requires a lot of maturity.. which.. tons of people don’t have.
Oh, those unresolved feelings, aka no proper closure. I completely agree. Been there done that. Only if you have loads of willpower to focus on your life and forget the person OR someone just as good/better comes along, then you will forget about the person. Else, your mind just has a tendency to keep ruminating and dwelling and building up this person into something fantastic. I suspect a lot of people who dwell on their ‘first loves’ do so because of this lack of understanding and proper closure (plus all the emotional upheaval).
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm
OMG I love this whole analyzing thing! Finally, someone who will indulge me haha 😀 I do agree with your conclusion, I actually think the ‘relationship’ was completely fabricated/imagined (on his side), but I don’t think the girl was completely innocent as well, I personally think she fed his fantasies and never clearly articulated her intentions. Here are my general thoughts after doing a bit of investigating (this is going to be a bit long so I hope you don’t mind!):
1) Articles ‘confirming’ this ‘relationship’ always came out from his end only. And from what I said above earlier on, he will literally talk to reporters about the ‘relationship’, and not only that, give LOADS of DETAILS about it. Oh, I gave her roses on Valentine’s, oh we text a lot, oh we meet every weekend, oh my family doesn’t know about this, oh we met in early 2004 etc etc etc etc. I mean, come on, use your brains? If you’re going to talk to the media about so much detail, aren’t you just baiting them to write more gossip about you??? Even if it doesn’t exist? They have sufficient content (from the horse’s mouth no less) to spin articles upon articles of made-up rubbish. I’m sure there is some bits of truth in this gossip trash. But what makes it really confusing is his behavior.
2) He will go from talking in detail about them in one interview (he agrees to these interviews, by the way. What is he thinking??!), to acting coy and saying no comments when asked about her, to flat out denying and saying they are friends. As well as completely contradicting whatever he says/the reporters say.
– We met in early 04 → we met during the Summer Olympics
– My family doesn’t know about her → My father has met her (his father even gave an interview saying they were together)
– I gave her roses → I didn’t give her anything
– We meet up every week → No we can’t meet, we only correspond via text
– We broke up after the Olympics → We broke up in 2005
There are many more contradictions I wont bother to type out, but you get the picture!
What makes me REALLY DOUBT him is his lack of consistency. And this is also the main reason why I am completely not interested in asking him about this situation. Cause I highly suspect whatever that comes out of his mouth will be complete bullshit/lies (the lies further piled up now that 10 years has passed, he has had loads of time to whitewash his memory and his side of the story). I won’t be surprised if he simply dismisses the topic if I ask about her.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:54 pm
3) Articles ‘confirming’ this ‘relationship’ NEVER came out from her end. Rarely, if ever were her camp/fans/etc talking about it (it was always his). In fact whenever she is directly quoted in the interviews during the time they were suspected to be together (2004/2005), meaning the journalist put her words in quotation marks; these comments were always along the SAME line: we are just friends.
She has also had some contradicting articles published, about 2 in total (compared to his about erm, 50+ articles?); where she apparently mentioned they were together. But when I read the text, the parts where it is mentioned that she said they are together aren’t in quoted marks and/or are based off hearsay.
I personally do dabble abit in media writing/PR/corp comms and I know exactly how and why journalists quote the interviewers. The standard is that you quote someone only when they REALLY SAID whatever you are quoting. Of course that will be edited to flow properly, but the gist is there. We don’t quote when that is NOT WHAT THE PERSON SAID. Meaning, they could have said something that vaguely sounds like what we think they are saying, or we simply infer, deduce or assume that’s what they are saying. But they did not OUTRIGHT say those words. Which makes the articles that mentioned AF mentioning AT to be not credible. In fact, as I read it, those portions seem to be conveniently placed there (and as part of the title) to attract more readership. A media ploy nonetheless.
4) But. There have been other rather confusing stuff which I can’t fathom.
First off, his father coming out and saying they were together and he had seen her at a competition before.
Second, both of them were wearing identical necklaces. Like IDENTICAL. During the time they were rumoured to be together. I’m sure there are many reasons for why two people can have the same accessories (a friend could have given them, one could have given the other for good luck etc), but this is abit co-incidental nevertheless. Which leads me to my next point:
Third, these articles were spreading like wildfire during that time, but yet she never said anything about them. She HAS to know this guy is going around telling the PRESS of all people, that they are together. She either, like you said, 1)didn’t want to start a gossip war, 2)didn’t want to deny it and look even more suspicious, 3)didn’t want to say anything because she wasn’t a very innocent party either.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:55 pm
5) I actually do believe she encouraged his feelings, whether it is intentional or not. I believe she did. This would explain his rather optimistic and hopeful behaviour when talking about them. I believed she KNEW he had feelings for her (he asked for her number when they first met), and played along with it. She probably could have some feelings (but not as much as him), and did rather ambiguous things without fully explaining her intentions (ie: going for dinner with him, having the same accessories, gifting him stuff on his birthday). From my experience, people like that are really no good, because they do these ambiguous stuff so that if things don’t work out, they can come out later and say ‘oh we are just friends!’ or ‘oh nothing happened!’. Which is exactly what she did, so I do believe her actions/intentions kind of showed her character as well. Although of course whatever she did could be merely out of friendship (as she did mention they were very good as friends) and he interpreted it wrongly.
6) I found their ‘breakup’ odd. Apparently, HE told her they should breakup to focus on their careers and she said ok. I’m not sure how do you say OK to a breakup when you guys weren’t even together… but he could have simply told her they should stop hanging out. And apparently, this had A LOT to do with his management team.
His head coach was known to be a person who didn’t tolerate romantic liaisons in his team. He absolutely didn’t allow the players who weren’t performing well to be in romantic relationships, and AT was one of them. When this coach was interviewed later, he was directly quoted saying that he knew of both AT and AF and whatever relations they had, based on whatever AT told him about AF and him, but he didn’t ever approve cause of their differences in performance and personality. AF had won a gold for her country at the 2004 Olympics and she was known to have a very manly personality.
The interesting thing is, she NEVER mentioned a breakup; She just always maintained they are friends (although he has said they stopped contacting each other after the ‘breakup’; so I’m again unsure how are you friends with someone you don’t contact.. but whatever), and has never seemed sad about it. In fact later on, she had other rumours with other men (eye roll).
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 5:55 pm
Quote: Then ask yourself why it ended. Would you date a guy who yields to peer pressure, or terminates a relationship because of life worries, or maybe made his woman uncomfortable in some way? (The woman later did marry another guy, who probably made her more comfortable that his former boyfriend!)
Exactly, she was even comfortable enough to be so open about it, that she allowed the media to take photos of their PDA (her husband). But this was after she retired, so the open-ness could be due to that.
Quote: Would you date a guy that not only wrongly perceived the existence of a relationship that never was, but one-sidedly bragged about it on the newspapers for years? Would you consider such a person to be a “big talker” and maybe a liar and a potential stalker? I certainly would.
Either way… Would you date a guy who chooses a girlfriend based on emotions rather than logic, and as a “romantic actor” is exposed to a high risk of infidelity by virtue of his working environment and love scenes alone?’
Same here, I wouldn’t. I can’t even imagine why he would talk about it so openly like that. And yes, he has said to me, he bases his decision on whether a girl would be his gf based off ‘feelings’ and ‘fate’. ‘If we are meant to be then ok, if not then, that’s too bad’. His exact words. Also, back then, and even now, he has never been to articulate exactly what type of girl he likes. When asked, it’s just ‘someone who will understand me and accept my flaws’….. uhm, that’s it? You live til your early 30s and THAT IS ALL you want in a partner? That’s like soooo basic and soooo DUH, aren’t there more solid qualities???? I laughed in his face actually when I heard all these; sounds like wishy washy tripe to me, sounds like he doesn’t even know what he wants to this day!! =/
And even back then, he mentioned that he liked AF because she and him had a good interaction and she was quite pretty (looks are subjective I know, but me and a number of others find her really unattractive and mannish-looking; just imagine females involved in aquatic sports with huge thighs/limbs and no chest)…. And that, since they were athletes it was easier to understand each other. In the same interview he was quoted as saying he likes long-haired girls (the girl needs to have long hair) and needs to look good, that’s all, he isn’t interested in character as it’s only ‘relationships and nothing serious’. This was his exact words from a very lengthy interview about 2 years after the supposed non-existed ‘breakup’ with AF, when he was about 24 years old.
I’m laughing as I type all these out and feeling so much of second-hand embarrassment.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 6:09 pm
There probably won’t be any new, credible information anymore, and I won’t ask him as well. So the case is just like that, left hanging in the air. Anyway is it weird if I reject him because:
1) This past ‘relationship’ of his doesn’t sit well with me for the above reasons
2) He makes his decisions off his emotions and doesn’t seem to know what he wants
3) He’s in the entertainment industry and seems to need approval from others (one of his reasons for going into the industry was showing ‘what he got’ to people. My comment to that is, whatever for?)
4) I don’t want to be in a situation where IF we were together, I get dragged into a constant comparison with AF by the media or whatever. That will be the last straw; IF we are together (which at this point won’t happen).
My biggest reason is that I don’t want to be compared to in any way with AF or whatever, and it will be something I am sure the media are waiting to drag out once he gets into a relationship. I don’t want to date someone who has a past like that. Furthermore, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I know exactly where to find the details of my boyfriend’s past relationship. Where they went to eat, what they did etc is on all the web. No girlfriend wants to know what her boyfriend did with his ex and all the exact details. I think relationships are already tricky enough as it is, I don’t need a situation where my feelings are going to be made more vulnerable.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 6:17 pm
Hi Evelyn,
QUOTE
I decided to start a new thread cause that was getting too long!
/QUOTE
Good idea! 🙂 Finding the “Reply” button for that thread was getting harder and harder, haha.
QUOTE
Any sort of sexual act in any movie is a form of prostitution/porn to me, except society packages it with a nice pink ribbon and calls it ART.
/QUOTE
Nicely put.
QUOTE
I suspect a lot of people who dwell on their ‘first loves’ do so because of this lack of understanding and proper closure (plus all the emotional upheaval).
/QUOTE
I believe you’re right.
QUOTE
I almost about passed out from your ‘to be continued’ posts… talk about suspense, lol.
/QUOTE
Well, my main reason for typing “To be continued” is that I have a severe shortage of spare time and often can’t reply to everything in one posting session… But I tend to write “To be continued” at certain strategic spots, so if I have to quit posting for the day I’m at least incorporating an element of suspense in my “storytelling”. To keep you entertained. 😉
QUOTE
OMG I love this whole analyzing thing! Finally, someone who will indulge me haha 😀
/QUOTE
Glad that you liked it. 🙂 It’s a simple example of how Logic will help us see if somebody is truthful/sincere or not. Few things (if any at all) can stand the Test of Reason!
There. My “minor comments” are out of the way… That said:
You touched upon interesting topics, that deserve full replies. I’ll get to them ASAP including comparison/competition as I said.
(Guess what? To be continued… Haha)
reality bites
Wednesday, July 2, 2014 at 6:29 pm
Haha! I’ll be waiting (patiently) *starts to file nails*
Evelyn
Thursday, July 3, 2014 at 2:31 pm
Oh there’s this one small question i had as well. In a situation like that where the person you are seeing is a relatively more public figure than the average person, and you can find information about him/her online quite easily… would you glean information about him/her online before u went on a date with them? Would you go online and watch youtube interviews, read media interviews and things about their personal life (if there is) or just general comments they make before you date them?
And if there is something that you read that you didn’t like about (like perhaps in my situation), would you then 1) ask the person about it when you see them or would you
2) pretend you didn’t hear about it and perhaps or
3) would you rather not hear about it at all and not ask anything about that part of their past?
Cause to be honest, i was a little torn between all 3 choices when we first started getting to know each other. Like I had read a bit about him and this girl on some websites and i just laughed it off. A huge part of me didn’t care that much at first cause I didn’t really notice him and didn’t bother. But then as I started to know him more, the curiosity got the better of me and i went to actively search for those articles and read them. And then as you know, curiosity killed the cat and i just HAD to learn more. So i was pretty torn between asking him outright and leaving it alone.
I dealt with it ok in the end, but was reflecting on it and kind of thought if it had been better if i pretended i did not know. Cause once i read up on all those stuff about them, I just couldn’t get it out of my system anymore and felt really upset and anxious, just feeling that i HAD to know more.
The feeling is pretty awful and i kind of regret searching up on all those stuff. It’s the usual case of knowing more details than you can handle, and i do have a history of doing this: wanting to know more stuff about the guy i’m seeing although i know the stuff that he’s gonna tell me will upset me even more. And my brain is awesome at storing such details for some reason… (wonder why it can’t perform this well in exams…) and just kind of dwells on the information, making me feel quite awful.
Evelyn
Sunday, July 6, 2014 at 5:38 pm
I just thought of something about my situation. Wondered if it’s ok to get your opinion too.
One huge reason I find this past ‘relationship’ this guy had quite off-putting in terms of dating him is that in almost all the stuff that I read, every single journalist/media outlet who produced those articles loved painting the both of them as this perfect couple and their relationship as almost dream-like, and so exciting and perfect. Then they go on to paint the girl as one of the most beautiful/perfect/coolest girl ever to walk this planet and make it sound like she is the best he can ever find/get and he can never do better. I find it really vomit-inducing. And i also find it really insulting from his point of view – not that i am defending him – that THAT was the best he could do in terms of a ‘relationship’; a manly looking girl who sounds extremely off-putting and obnoxious and uncaring/sarcastic in all her interviews. And if that’s the best he can do, then that is extremely sad. She always says she wasn’t interested and literally scoffs at the idea of them being together in some interviews and then in others, it’s reported that she contacted him occasionally even after he told her it was over. I mean really, bitch please. And the papers also make it sound like she was so god-damn amazing by repeatedly pointing out that he never had a girlfriend after that and then basically concluded that he was still hung up on her or that their relationship was so amazing he couldn’t find anyone suitable thereafter.
Really, the more i read about them, and especially her, the more I really wonder what is it EXACTLY that he saw in her? And how on earth is a ‘relationship’ with that kind of person exciting/perfect/dream-like/insert-your-own-adjective-here/?
I know i shouldn’t be reading those stuff so much and i know that the media likes to hype things up to sell papers/gain readership, but really, whenever i read those stuff i feel like I can’t match up to that wonderful heaven-sent relationship with a Goddess because of the way their relationship/the girl is described as being. Anyone in my place who is as sensitive as i am to such things will feel the same way. I don’t know is that a valid reason or am I just mis-interpreting events too much from my perspective/over-thinking things?
Evelyn
Wednesday, July 9, 2014 at 11:02 am
One more question… LOL. If it means anything, my brain has promised me it will stop thinking of new questions after this to give Mr RB a breather 😀
I don’t know if we discussed this before in the old blog. But what really constitutes ‘dating’? And what really constitutes a ‘relationship’? Some people will tell me they are in a relationship with someone, but when they describe it, it merely sounds like dating. Whereas some people who date… well it just sounds like two friends hanging out. As i personally catergorize ‘dating’ separately from ‘romantic relationship’, i find it troubling that people can’t tell the difference and often can’t define what they are doing.
Personally I think dating is way much more than just having dinner together every few days and talking. Or talking on the phone occasionally. Am not sure what you think? I swear we have spoken about this before actually~!
Evelyn
Wednesday, July 9, 2014 at 12:02 pm
Interesting article here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2691925/Think-opposites-attract-Think-Geneticists-discover-groups-friends-share-DNA-strangers.html
Evelyn
Tuesday, July 15, 2014 at 8:31 am
Yeah, interesting stuff. I’m polishing my replies on my hard disk and will post them on this blog as soon as I can…
Unfortunately, I’m currently fighting a “zombie horde” of real-life morons where I live, each trying (but failing) to make my life miserable, so my level of spare time is at an all-time low (the more they have, the less I have!), but I’ll do what I can. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, July 29, 2014 at 2:57 pm
No worries, I’m surrounded by them on a constant basis the moment I step out of my home, haha! Luckily, I am surrounded by intellectual minds at my office.
Evelyn
Wednesday, August 6, 2014 at 2:20 pm
Hello Evelyn, I’m still here…
It’s October already?? Where have the last few weeks gone? I could write reams of words about terrible work environment (war zone is a more fitting description), pressing fiscal deadlines, terrible neighbors, annoying relatives always visiting at the wrongest times, wonderful parents straight from a storybook and a HUGE backlog of nonfiction books to read (while being constantly tired). Anyway…
Anyway, it would have been easy to reply to your questions with unsatisfactory pre-packaged answers, but complex replies are required instead. So… I’ll start “eating the elephant” in small bites. The next “reality bites” are coming soon… ETA, the first evening that I don’t feel chronically tired haha.
reality bites
Wednesday, October 8, 2014 at 4:21 pm
QUOTE
Alot of people blur the lines btwn dating/relationship phase and try to do both together.
…
what really constitutes ‘dating’? And what really constitutes a ‘relationship’?
…
i personally catergorize ‘dating’ separately from ‘romantic relationship’, i find it troubling that people can’t tell the difference
/QUOTE
Let me give you the short version before I fall asleep once more… 🙂
I have identified four “romantic phases” so far.
“Search” phase, when you search until you’ve spotted a potential romantic candidate.
“Observation” phase, when you gather information SPECIFICALLY about the said candidate.
“Dating” phase, when you actually go out with him/her to know him/her better.
“Relationship” phase, when you’ve actually established a bond with the subject (which can strengthen or weaken over time, according to individual actions and behaviors).
Mandatory notes:
1) Being “single” does not seem to be a romantic phase per se, it’s merely the current absence of a romantic relationship.
2) If you are “single”, it simply means that you either: a) aren’t currently in the “romantic cycle”/”romantic loop” (ie. not looking for a partner) or you haven’t gone beyond the “dating” phase of the cycle with your present potential relationship candidate.
This one brief, much belated post will be the foundation of my next few posts (that will contain more details about the various “romantic phases”).
Nighty night 😀 Gotta catch at least four hours of sleep haha.
(To be continued… Feel free to comment but please no new questions until I answer to the old ones)
reality bites
Wednesday, October 29, 2014 at 5:11 am
Hello RB! Was wondering where you had gone haha; glad to know you are alive, and hopefully kicking 😀
Yes it’s October and I’ve only ticked off 2 out of 10 of my New Year Resolutions!!! =X
LOL tell me about it! I also have a HUGE backlog of nonfiction work-related and non work-related books to read, and the list just keeps snowballing!!!
Sounds you are hanging in there and getting on just fine, haha.
About your dating post, i generally classify them as such also, but find a lot of people don’t. For them, dating = relationship or they will equate the observation phase to a relationship. Also, a lot of people aren’t self-aware and are rarely that observant about other people, so they tend to always come to incorrect conclusions about the feelings of others. And then they wonder why their ‘relationships’ don’t work out.
Looking forward to more of your posts!
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 29, 2014 at 9:50 am
THE ROMANTIC PHASES
1) SEARCH PHASE
In the “search phase”, you look for a potential romantic candidate.
To succeed, you must first DECIDE what kind of person do you want!
Who is your “prospect”? What qualities does (s)he embody?
A young intellectual woman may want (for example), a man who: is virgin, has above-average IQ and above-average EQ, lacks major personality disorders, is between 25 and 35 years of age, has a college degree, is introverted, watches little TV and likes to read.
YOU decide the priority of each quality/attribute/property to you, and how much you are willing to accept someone who doesn’t fit all requirements. Rate each item’s importance to you. 🙂
Of course, virginity is among the most important attributes that a potential spouse must have, since Science (ie. all the scientific studies quoted so far and all logic arguments I’ve explained in the last few years) points that way, as you well know.
(Next: What you must do BEFORE identifying your “romantic prospect”!)
reality bites
Tuesday, December 23, 2014 at 9:36 am
(Warning: Unavoidable Verbosity ahead! Have your Aspirins ready on your desk! :D)
See. The first romantic phase (Search) hasn’t started yet, and there are several problems that need to be solved already!
Before the Search for our “ideal soul mate” (I.S.M.) even BEGINS, we must FIRST do something very important that will heavily influence the outcome of our search!
In order to even be able to WRITE DOWN exactly how our “ideal soul mate” should look like, we must *first* KNOW OURSELVES. If we don’t know ourselves well (eg. what do we like? what do we hate?), then we CAN’T truly know what kind of soul mate will make us the happiest, and finding our I.S.M. will be a game of chance… One where the odds are HEAVILY stacked against us.
And (cheesy as it may sound…) happiness should NOT be a game of chance.
(Some sad, easily-improvable statistics here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/10545810/Average-woman-will-kiss-15-men-and-be-heartbroken-twice-before-meeting-The-One-study-reveals.html)
Once we know ourselves well… (And it’s NOT easy at all…) We must work hard and objectively BECOME better individuals. Yes… Self-improvement! Hard work! This is unavoidable. 🙂
As I see it, some traits are universally appreciated (eg. patience, loyalty, diligence, punctuality, honesty, etc.) and should be developed and honed; whereas, other individual characteristics may be liked or not depending on the other person (eg. you may like fishing, but not everyone else does and someone can even HATE the said activity; and please don’t get me started on how much I hate smokers, haha).
Only YOU can decide whom do you truly want to be. Wisely design your own personality, and then build it according to your own wise plan! 🙂
We can’t fake something forever. If, for example, we were imposters pretending to be someone much better than we truly are… Sooner or later, our cover would be blown (and major problems would arise! Nobody likes to be deceived!). Only genuinely positive individuals can enjoy true, long-lasting success – especially in a relationship!
So let’s recap… If we want to successfully search for The One, we must FIRST know ourselves well, THEN we objectively evaluate ourselves (ask for help from trusted people if needed) and IMPROVE ourselves (=becoming more desirable people); only THEN we write down what qualities our “ideal soul mate” should possess (and NOT possess; for example, major personality disorders are a deal breaker!).
It is ONLY at this point (=good, self-aware person with a clear image of our “ideal soul mate”) that the SEARCH romantic phase can finally, and fruitfully, start.
(Next: “I am ready! The real Search phase can begin, now what?”)
reality bites
Tuesday, December 30, 2014 at 3:13 am
Hello again Evelyn, I’m giving up one hour of sleep to write this. 🙂
Let’s resume talking about the Search romantic phase.
Ok, after some self-work we’ve somewhat become interesting, good, self-aware people with a good understanding of how our “ideal soul mate” should look like. Now…
We must gather our Tools: a mix of Marketing, Copywriting, Public Relations, (mild’n’legal) Espionage, considerable *Patience*, Wisdom and Intuition among others.
Our objective is to use our tools to skim through the sea of humankind, separating the Worthy (the floating matter) from the Less Worthy (the liquid).
We’ve already decided that we must consider only the “upper 10%” of humankind (disclaimer: the percentage is probably much lower, haha); the others being too ignorant, stupid, rude, emotional, lazy, etc. yadda yadda yadda.
And by finding potentially interesting people in that “upper 10%”, we try to BUILD a “list of potential romantic candidates” (a “WATCH LIST”, if you will) that we can work upon. That’s the main idea and purpose of the Search phase.
Fundamentally, the separation between the (1) Search and the (2) Observation phase is INTENSITY (whereas the tools are the same).
In the Search phase, we’re quickly – QUICKLY – looking at people based upon as much information we can gather about them in the shortest possible time from all sources (social networks, web sites, “social hub” people, observable work, clearly-visible behavior, etc.). It is a “quick testing phase” where you must not waste a second of time. In this phase we’re not emotionally attached, in fact we’re ruthlessly excluding people in the very instant that we discover a “deal breaker”.
What is a “deal breaker”? I’ll use the Baseball metaphor, “three strikes and you’re out”. We could say that if we see 1 to 3 “OBVIOUS DEFECTS” in a person, depending on gravity, (s)he’s out and we won’t reconsider our decision before 12 months. What “deal breaker” defects are, only you can know. But if you want more clues, I could define OBVIOUS DEFECTS as defects that you can discover WITHOUT DATING. (That’s right… No dating in this phase! Casual talking is as close as you are allowed to get at this point!)
Let me make an example. Suppose that Intelligence is one of our most important criteria for selecting a soul mate (which is true!). So if you happen to see a person at work who is so patently STUPID that he has trouble following his boss’ instructions, would you be happy with such a man? I don’t think so. Can you imagine yourself talking to this man about… Astrophysics? Encryption? Engineering? Space travel? Irritable bowel syndrome? Sigmund Freud? Not going to happen.
I’m not being racing or classist; it’s a fact of life that some people are intelligent and many aren’t. EVERYONE must improve his/her own self BEFORE hunting for a soul mate. A man who wants an intelligent woman MUST do everything in his power to “upgrade his own intelligence”; which to some extent IS possible (I very much believe in human potential), BUT mileage (and ceiling) does vary. Some women will simply be “out of his league”, in that case the man must aim for a woman closer to his level and who will make him happier. Too many differences (also in level) would make a couple break up sooner or later.
So if you find enough “obvious defects” in a person, it’s a deal breaker and the person doesn’t deserve to be on your “watch list” of potentially interesting romantic candidates. And this individual won’t be a passive participant of your Observation phase. Simple. 🙂
(To be continued… Sorry for answering so late, but I’m usually very very very tired when I get home and it’s not rare for me to just fall asleep; I can work as much as 12 hours in a workday. Feel free to share your thoughts but please do it in another thread as I’d like to reserve this one for my “free flow of thoughts” about the four romantic phases) 🙂
reality bites
Friday, February 27, 2015 at 8:00 am
(Sorry for the long break! … Let me resume the talk!)
At this point, I see at least three categories of humans.
– NYC (not yet checked) people: you don’t know whether they’re interesting or not, because you know nothing (or far too little) about them; this is obviously the (overwhelmingly) most numerous category
– CAD (checked and discarded) people: you rated them as “uninteresting” even at this very early stage; you shouldn’t re-examine them before a full year has passed (as personality changes very slowly, if at all)
– PIP (potentially interesting people): people to be included on your “watch list”
2) OBSERVATION PHASE
In the “Observation” romantic phase, you are checking your “watch list” of “potentially interesting people” and your goal is to find out who IS worth dating and who is NOT.
The “watch list” is “open”, meaning that some people’s names will be erased from it and be replaced by “new entries” as time goes by.
You should start working on the “most interesting” person first, and end with the “least interesting” person on your list.
This is also because at some point, you and a “watched person” will be talking to each other and probably be called (eg. invited) to make “The Dating Decision”: to date or not to date? As a general rule, you don’t want to start dating a “less interesting” person while a “more interesting” person is on your list.
Now, about the selection process itself…
While “casual talking” was as far as you were allowed to go in the previous phase, in the “Observation” phase you’ll want to talk more extensively with each subject. “First impressions” can be wrong… And you want to make sure that you’re not “dead wrong” BEFORE you start dating, not after.
Also because, a few people shouldn’t be offered a date because they are, quite frankly, either patently immature or even plain psychopaths. Some may even turn into stalkers, and the sooner you identify them as such, the better; avoid those at all costs, as a “date” would become a “relationship” in their sick, twisted mind! Let me say that again: if you don’t spot a stalker early, once you agree to a date, you’re stuffed!
Let your “No” mean “No!”: if you don’t want to date somebody, refuse! Do not give in to pressure: as I see it, the more you are pressured for a date, the more you should “stick to your guns” and say No! Excessive insistence is a “red flag” and may identify a person who’ll want to possess you like an item, rather than love you! Be ESPECIALLY wary of people who keep insisting on a date “just because”, without logically argumenting why; people with insufficient reasoning skills can be especially dangerous; they’re infatuated, “in love with the idea of being in love” and most definitely will NOT love YOU!
If you say “No”, take careful note of the number of times the person insists after that. Let it be a measure of interest… But mostly a measure of “stalker risk”.
(Continues… It’s a very complex topic and I had to “break it down” in manageable “bites”; any comments, please post them in another thread below)
reality bites
Thursday, May 7, 2015 at 2:38 am
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Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 8:56 pm
Hello Reality Bites! It’s been awhile so I hope reality hasn’t been biting too hard that you can’t visit here often haha. Anyway, i promised that i didn’t have another question, but i do (my brain just can’t stop!). I think we spoke about this before but I would love to hear your thoughts in greater detail.
What should you do when you find out that someone you are seeing, say at the dating or relationship stage, is watching porn and/or looking at dirty pictures on the internet? It’s so easy to hide these ‘dirty’ habits these days, and with ‘smart’ phones, people can even watch it on their phones now. And you don’t have to sign up to some obscure porn site to view these vids/images these days, I’ve seen such things on the sidebars of certain sites as ads, and I’ve even seen it on social media websites. I signed up to a regional-based social media site recently, and there were categories for new users to choose from, regarding what types of content they wanted delivered to their newsfeed. I was absolutely horrified to see the category ‘hot women/beautiful women’ as a major one that was advertised. There wasn’t a ‘hot men/gorgeous men’ category for us women at all – talk of double standards.
But that’s beside the point, i was extremely disgusted to see that category there and know for a fact that many male users of that site have clicked on that category and chosen ‘dirty’ sites to deliver ‘news’ and dirty images to their phones/computers. I’ve been on some of these sites, and they are seriously dirty. Gifs, still images of half naked women, nude and scantily clad women, with shots of their breasts/bare legs, and anything and everything you can think of. It’s not as graphic as porn but it makes no difference to me cause it’s unhealthy content. And this isn’t some shady social media site either. It’s one of the biggest in the region and is hosted in one of the biggest countries in the world (think you can figure out which country i’m talking about). There are millions and billions of accounts on there with just as many dirty sites I’m sure.
I for one was quite disappointed to see some male friends ‘liking’ and subscribing to some of these dirty sites. So i would love to know how would you deal with someone who has constant access to stuff like that.
On the other hand, I’m also losing lot of faith in society and people in general. It’s been 3 years, and I’ve not really met any interesting men of substance. Lots just care about looks, are utterly superficial, materialistic and self-centered and have absolutely nothing going on for them or their lives. They don’t read and are dumb as rocks when they open their mouth to speak, and have absolutely nothing of substance or quality to offer to anyone, including themselves. Most of them can’t even look after themselves, let alone a wife or a family. Most have absolutely no interest in character development and have some of the most unhealthy, self-destructive lifestyles. On the other hand I’ve met really wonderful men, however they are extremely rare and all of them that have piqued my interest in a very serious way are all unavailable, i.e. married. It’s also interesting to note that all of these more interesting men are in their 40s or late 30s. There’s something so disgustingly immoral and superficial in a lot of the people in my generation (20 somethings) that i rather stay single.
Evelyn
Friday, November 28, 2014 at 9:18 pm
Hi Evelyn, sorry for not visiting this blog more often, you know I enjoy talking to you; as you’ve guessed I’ve been busy, so I’ll post again about the details of the “four romantic phases” as soon as I can, but for now I’ll try to at least reply to your last post. 🙂 Speed reading skills, assist me! Haha. 😉
It’s never easy to deal with “porn watchers”. Often, they are addicted to that bad stuff. Several studies proved that porn is bad for relationships (including for marriage) and we already know that; so, “porn watchers” are in a bad situation… And often don’t want help and even resent it.
So, how to deal with “porn watchers” (PW)? Good question. Things are complicated.
First of all, if a smartphone was illegally searched for clues of porn, one better shut up about the illegal deed. 🙂
If you found porn on a smartphone or PC, you can’t expose the man directly but you can do one of several things depending on the situation.
If the man was already rated by you as “mediocre” – eg. lazy, selfish, shallow – that’s it! The porn is the last straw. Tell him a plausible excuse for not seeing him again, and goodbye. No point in arguing with a mediocre man, save your energies for the good stuff.
(Next: how to deal with “good potential” men with a porn problem)
reality bites
Thursday, December 4, 2014 at 4:02 pm
If a man SEEMS to have “good potential”, but is a porn watcher – NEVER tell him you KNOW he watches porn. Instead, start thinking:
Do you have a better man on your “candidates list” – one without a porn problem? Then forget about the “porn watcher” and concentrate on the seemingly “pornless man” instead.
If, on the other hand, the “man with seemingly good potential AND a porn problem” is among the best you could find – you’ll have to think about how to solve the problem.
Your objectives will be to discover:
1) If he condemns “porn watching”
2) If he’ll be honest with you about his “porn watching” activities
3) If he’ll STOP FOREVER “porn watching”
These are your objectives; take careful note of them, NEVER lose sight of them, and let’s see if we can discover these things.
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Thursday, December 4, 2014 at 5:54 pm
Hello again, Evelyn! So, let’s resume talking about how to deal with a “porn watcher”.
Imagine a gigantic flow chart where each action (both yours and his combined) will lead to different results.
That is how reality is complicated. I’m not even sure I can put it all in writing.
Let’s review the objectives/points mentioned above. When you find a “good potential” man with a porn problem, ask yourself:
1) Does he condemn “porn watching”?
You obviously don’t want a man who doesn’t see porn as “wrong”. It is the same kind of man that has a high probability of cheating on you. And no, he’s probably NOT a virgin. So my suggestion is, stop considering him a “good potential” man; in fact, stop seeing him. And EVEN IF he’s somehow miraculously still a virgin – he’d be almost impossible to “rehabilitate”, especially since he doesn’t WANT your help! I believe “ultimatums” seldom work on impenitent men; sooner or later, a man who doesn’t see porn as “wrong” will resume his “porn watching” activities and jeopardize a (future or present) relationship/marriage. Trust me.
Remember, a man who watches porn but FEELS GUILTY about it is MUCH BETTER than a man who watches porn but doesn’t see it as “wrong”. The man who feels guilty about watching porn is easier to “rehabilitate” compared to the one who doesn’t see porn as wrong – and I’m not talking about manipulating the former man. Which could be done, but is neither desirable nor necessary.
In a nutshell: remorseful man > impenitent man.
The remorseful man is often aware that, in the context of a relationship/marriage, even “porn watching” is a form of cheating. So if Mr. Remorse eventually cheats on you – either by watching porn again or, worse, by acting upon his fantasies… Well, he’s much more likely to tell you compared to Mr. Shameless, who most likely won’t tell you that he VIOLATED YOUR RIGHT to be considered special and peerless (right granted when a relationship is formed).
“In law, a man is guilty when he violates the rights of others. In ethics, he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.” – Immanuel Kant (1724-1804), German philosopher (who, apparently, stayed virgin all his life).
2) Is he honest about his “porn watching” activities?
You don’t want in your life a man who is a liar or keeps such secrets from you. Always keep that in mind. These two kinds of men will likely not tell you if they cheat on you – and it can go on for years. And the end result is often – a devastating breakup/divorce.
3) Will he STOP FOREVER “porn watching”?
You want a man of willpower, not somebody who’ll make the same mistake over and over again for decades. If the “guilty porn watcher” doesn’t put an end to “porn watching” within a reasonable time frame – perhaps it’s time to move on. (And I truly hope you become aware of his activities BEFORE a relationship is formed).
I never said “converting” a porn watcher was easy… Porn watchers are people with a serious problem. I don’t recommend seeing them unless you absolutely can’t find better people; this is because they are so difficult to “rehabilitate”.
That’s it for now… Sorry for my “episodes” format but reality is so complex and time so limited that I can’t do otherwise. 🙂 Guess I could add a “Previously, on Stellar Romance…” tag line at the beginning of a post, haha.
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Sunday, December 7, 2014 at 3:52 am
Hello again, where were we? Oh yes… Reality Bites here, and this is the new episode of “Stellar Romance”, the series that hopefully can help at least a woman to find her ideal soul mate! 😀
Now that (after my previous post) we have a clear understanding of WHAT information you must discover about a certain guy (and WHY)… HOW to obtain RELIABLE information? Good question, huh?
There are several “information modifiers” at work. A human being is like a “house of mirrors” (oh, how I hate this!); depending on his personality and the situation, discovering the “true” truth can be very difficult (all “mirrors” must be correctly aligned or it won’t happen!)
If the guy likes you, there is the concrete possibility that he will lie just to make himself look more likeable and to draw and keep you into a relationship that should never have started in the first place. Or perhaps he’ll lie because porn is an embarassing topic. Or all of the above.
Anyway… For a start, please tick the appropriate boxes:
A) Does the guy watch porn or not? ()YES/()NO/()UNKNOWN
B) Does he verbally condemn porn? ()YES/()NO/()UNKNOWN
C) Does he like or want you? ()YES/()NO/()UNKNOWN
D) Does HE know that YOU know he watches porn? ()YES/()NO/()UNKNOWN
Strictly in theory, that’s something like 81 possible situations! (3x3x3x3)
In practice… Let’s see if we can manage a restricted number of combinations.
Since, as we said earlier, you want a guy who doesn’t watch porn OR, failing that, a “porn watcher who at least feels guilty”… Discovering whether the guy watches porn or not seems prioritary.
(Next episode: Enter the Mirror Matrix!)
reality bites
Tuesday, December 9, 2014 at 2:27 pm
THE MIRROR MATRIX
You start with all UNKNOWN boxes ticked. But that is going to change soon… And it does:
If you find a guy’s porn material in plain view, or on his smartphone (ahem, don’t search without a search warrant! haha), or by chance learn from CREDIBLE witnesses that he watches porn, you can safely tick Box A1 (porn watching status:yes). Now you have a fact useful to evaluate the man’s behavior. Now what?
If you’ve ticked Box D2 (knows that I know:no), you can take either a direct or indirect approach.
For the sake of argument, if you were to say “I like porn” (thankfully NOT happening, I know), or if you were to ask outright “Do you have/watch any porn?” as if you wanted to see his collection, now THAT would be a wrong thing to say (on so many levels); you’d earn points with the “porn enthusiast” (the kind of people you want out of your life!) but offend/gross out pretty much everyone else (ESPECIALLY the “good ones”). AND you’d definitely broadcast the wrong type of message. No, that is not what you want.
Instead, at some point, start talking about the topics of sex and porn in general – from a purely academic point of view. At this point…
If you directly and openly condemn porn, by saying “I hate porn” or something like that, then the “I like you” guy (box C1 ticked) may lie to you, just to please you, by immediately saying something along the lines of “I hate porn too” (quick, tick box B1!). Now: if you learned BEFOREHAND that he watches porn: congratulations, you’ve just discovered a liar/hypocrite who should be dumped (without making him suspect that you KNOW about his porn collection). He has failed the “test of truth”: rather than simply staying silent, he lied to you! There IS a difference between staying silent, and lying (or at least, that’s how it would work in, for example, Commonwealth tribunals).
If the guy stays silent, because he doesn’t want to offend you and/or he feels guilty about his porn watching habits… Maybe he likes porn (that explains his porn collection, huh?) and doesn’t see it as wrong. OR he knows watching porn is wrong, but he’s addicted to the stuff.
To the silent guy, you can now explicitly ask, “Do you think porn is wrong?”; if necessary, reassure him that you’re not judging him. If he’s honest enough to reply “No”, gently dump him (not because he was honest with you, but because it’s very hard to “rehabilitate” somebody who doesn’t think porn is wrong). I know – this world seldom rewards honesty. Tell him that there are irreconcileable differences, and goodbye. I see no point in fighting an incredibly uphill battle for very little gain.
If the silent guy still doesn’t reply to your “Is it wrong” follow-up question, or hesitates to reply – he’s thinking. He’s either ashamed of his porn watching, or afraid that you’ll leave if he gives the wrong reply!
I believe that the more a guy stays silent or hesitates to reply “Yes (porn is wrong)”, the more probable it is that he is an “ashamed porn watcher” (ie. someone who stands a chance of quitting his porn watching habits someday) rather than a liar. Without knowing other facts, though, you can’t know for sure.
Now let’s clean the blackboard and suppose: the guy watches porn (box A1 ticked). If he KNOWS that you know (box D1 ticked), because he shamelessly leaves porn material in plain view… Well, he clearly doesn’t consider porn to be wrong. Ergo, you should dump him because it’s very likely that he will keep watching porn for years, no matter what; be it with your blessing if you tolerate it, or in secret if you frown upon it. But rest assured, he WILL keep watching porn. Stop seeing him at once, and look for a man with more willpower and common sense.
In closing: again, it’s better to NOT deal with porn watchers, but if you have to (for lack of better candidates)… Make sure that he is at least ashamed of his bad habit, or I can almost guarantee that whether you like it or not, he WILL keep watching porn, be it overtly or covertly, for as long as he sees fit.
That’s all for now. There’s no way I can consider all 81 possible cases within a reasonable amount of time. Actually, if we introduce other variables, there could be WAY MORE than 81 possible situations. So, my analysis of the Mirror Matrix ends here, at least for now. 🙂 My last few posts were meant as a “primer”, to illustrate how hunting for reliable information can be unbelievably hard in a “dog eat dog” world where pretty much everyone lies and scams everyone else.
So, dear Evelyn, please let me know if you enjoyed my last few posts, and feel free to share your thoughts. (If you have other questions I can’t stop you haha, but please be as clear and as pithy as you can when posing a question). 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, December 10, 2014 at 5:17 am
I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas… And a Happy New Year! 😀
reality bites
Wednesday, December 24, 2014 at 6:31 pm
I’ll be posting more about the delicate topic of the “four romantic phases” soon.
Also, I hope that I’ve posted comments that are clear and make sense, are somewhat interesting (“matrix thinking” can get boring) and are neither offensive nor “out of place” in any way (I apologize if so)! They were speed-typed in a hurry! 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, January 7, 2015 at 9:33 am
QUOTE
I’m also losing lot of faith in society and people in general.
/QUOTE
Hi Evelyn, I believe I know how you feel. If you give me your permission, I’ll tell you (if I may) how I REALLY view many people (like the ones we have to face daily) and how IMHO you should view them too. 🙂 Let me know.
reality bites
Saturday, January 3, 2015 at 2:28 am
Hi RB! Sorry about the long silence in between. And a very belated New Year and Christmas to you too! Gosh time really flies =/
I just wanted to say thank you for the matrix you wrote up for identifying if the guy is/isn’t a porn watcher. Very helpful! I think such a matrix can even be used in identifying other things about him. Am looking forward to your 4 romantic phases topic – please post soon 😀
As for how you really view people in society. PLEASE TELL! I have a feeling it’s actually very similar to what I think of most people. I rarely meet people I really like (even as friends) and tend to find alot of people boring/stupid. Sorry, I know that sounds rude. That’s a one sentence summary of many other thoughts I have on this topic; but can’t wait to read yours!
In other news, I recently started seeing this really person. He’s ticks a lot of boxes; virgin, introverted, shy, thoughtful, full of substance, serious, humble, really funny and we communicate well. The only problem is? (There’s always a problem eh?) He’s an actor. Neither a star nor some part-time theatre actor, but he has appeared in some films and enjoys some level of recognition/success in his home country (in Asia) and in the nearby region. You know I generally have a problem with people who act for their day jobs. And it tallies with the list you put up above some time ago. I’m not comfortable with kiss scenes at all – though I used to be in theatre myself and know that any scene in films/movies/ads/theatre etc are extremely rehearsed and technical. I myself feel absolutely no emotion for the people I used to act with – I was always in character and spent 90% of time on stage counting down to the next cue, rehearsing technical details in my head etc; than spend time trying to feel the ‘hots’ for people I acted with. But then again, I never did any sort of scene that required physical intimacy as I found it way too awkward.
I know that people are generally all different including actors, and the way they react to each scene etc is different as well. Some really treat it like work, whilst others let their real emotions come through (and that’s why there are so many affairs in hollywood eh). This guy has done some productions where he has to kiss his female co-star. I wasn’t too bothered watching his previous productions, but he’s currently filming one now where I do feel quite jealous/feel a little ‘twinge’ when he was to kiss his female lead. He doesn’t really like me watching these types of scenes he’s in, but I do watch them on my own on my computer or something and would end up feeling abit jealous for awhile and pausing the video repeatedly at certain angles to ‘analyse’ the kiss. ZZZZZZ
I’ve spoken to some people about it and a lot of people dont think kissing is a big deal (really? I don’t think it’s a big deal but it’s still a…deal). Others view it very technically and say it’s just a job. He tends to fall into this category and tends to compartmentalize his on-screen character very well from his off-screen personality and gets out of character easily. I don’t know, it’s abit of a hard one as different people have different opinions on this.
Anyways! Hope to hear from you soon!
Evelyn
Wednesday, January 21, 2015 at 8:41 am
Hi Evelyn! 🙂
I’ve had tech problems with my favorite proxy server for a while. WordPress blogs default to a safe HTTPS connection and not all proxies handle that well. Who knows why? (My still unverified theories range from “leap second” to space aliens, haha). Anyway, I’m now using a different proxy server and will resume posting. 😀
reality bites
Wednesday, January 28, 2015 at 2:22 am
QUOTE
The only problem is? (There’s always a problem eh?) He’s an actor.
/QUOTE
Hello again Evelyn,
According to your information, he appears to be a guy of substance with above-average self-control and willpower. Still, remember that (unfortunately) he’s an actor – so he has the technical skill to easily lie (including about any cheating that might happen) or to pretend to be someone else. If he wants to. Never let your guard down. 🙂
If you decide that you want to keep seeing him: establish clear personal boundaries (including how you’re saving sex for marriage, etc.), take things very slowly and be ready to “jump ship” if at any point he doesn’t look as “marriage material” anymore.
Pay attention especially to how he interacts with others; if you see him treating others like s**t, throwing temper tantrums or scolding his co-workers on the set for no reason at all… Wave goodbye. In a hurry.
Also remember that as long as you desire to be with him, you’ll keep feeling jealous for his “kiss scenes” and that this is dictated by biology and completely natural. So don’t blame yourself – still, if you eventually end up in a relationship with an actor, you’ll have to accept that jealousy will be very much a part of your life (unless and until he SPONTANEOUSLY promises you to stop acting in “romantic scenes”; this can’t be forced, the decision must come from him otherwise at best you’ll get a formal promise that he won’t uphold).
Not only that. Jealousy can also get even worse, since a movie set is an environment full of temptations, which give your biological jealousy a “probable cause” to throw cheating accusations even if the guy is faithful. That would be VERY bad. And your unconscious mind will very much keep imagining “cheating scenes”… Even if your conscious mind sees that he is a loyal guy.
In a nutshell: I don’t recommend seeing an actor, but if you go on… Take things very slowly, manage your (perfectly natural) jealously, stay virgin until marriage at all costs and concentrate on his behavior instead of being biologically attracted to him because of his “star power”.
As long as you’re conscious of all these things… There is no law forbidding to date an actor. 🙂
I hope this helped. Feel free to comment if you like. 😉
reality bites
Wednesday, January 28, 2015 at 4:08 am
Hello!
Thanks for you advice! I don’t know about continuing to see him, cause an actor’s general career values comes into direct conflict with my personal/relationship values. Ie: I think any sort of intimacy like kissing, touching etc should be between 2 people who are already in a relationship with each other. And not as something that is done as a part of one’s ‘job’. Some people draw the line at dating porn stars/prostitutes/strippers, I draw the line at actors I’m afraid. I’m not sure I like to be with someone who has to constantly kiss other people throughout their career. Then what’s the point of our relationship? How does that act of kissing differ from kissing your romantic partner? I know some people say it’s just a job, it’s just a kiss, as long as he doesn’t have feelings, it’s not him it’s his character bla bla. But it’s not JUST a kiss to me. Not to mention the jealousy/jitters i would feel if he takes on a new acting role and I have to go through the whole thing again. I think I’m not for a serious relationship with an actor at the moment.
Anyway, please let me know what are your general thoughts on people these days! I’m dying to know!
Evelyn
Wednesday, January 28, 2015 at 1:08 pm
Hi Evelyn, sorry for the delay. Here’s what I think about many people.
Many people are LAZY. Even for important things, they will expend as little energy as possible (be it: physical effort, mental focus, money, etc.). Consequently, many are absent-minded slackers; also, since true learning takes much effort and concentration, many people are IGNORANT (quite possibly, many WANT to stay ignorant; and in the age of the Internet and free knowledge, that’s rather unforgivable). To be blunt, some wouldn’t be able to read a dictionary (or even an emergency manual) to save their lives!
Ignorance also means that quite a few people are IMPOLITE. Such individuals simply do not know how a human being should behave in various social situations, and this damages both self and society as a whole.
Many are ignorant also because they are, quite frankly, STUPID. They just don’t see the benefits of acquiring knowledge, studying and improving themselves. There are also the “slow learners” and the “wrong learners”; now, people with brain damage/diseases may be justified but OTHERS ARE NOT! Stupidity also impairs just about EVERY area (not just learning) of the lives of these “unjustified others”! (By the way, I have seen a few normal-looking people read a paragraph many times and not get its meaning!)
Oh, and then there are the “useless learners” – people who learn useless trivia (eg. how many cars Hollywood actor so-and-so has in his mega-garage)! Such people will smirk in self-complacency as they speak this crap out to their friends, who in return look at them in admiration as if they were omniscient! My God! Give me a break! People who learn useless facts/factoids are probably the worst!! (Disclaimer: of course the usefulness of a certain “knowledge bit” depends on many factors – but personally, I can sleep soundly without knowing what perfume actress so-and-so wears before going to bed!)
And when ignorants teach their own ignorance to their own children… Now that’s what I call a tragedy! It’s a perpetuation of the mistakes made by the parents!
Not only that. Ignorant people accept TV lies as true, hardly if ever questioning them! Ignorant people are therefore much more vulnerable to emotional manipulation and disinformation by the mass-media! So, ignorant people can’t think independently, not only because they are DOMESTICATED to “blindly follow their leaders” who supposedly know what’s best for them (hahaha!), but because the information that people use to make decisions is in fact heavily biased towards (or against) whatever the Media Masters want slaves to think! So… People live in a make-believe world and show no intention of waking up.
Quote from:
http://www.newspeakdictionary.com/ns-dict.html
“blackwhite- The ability to accept whatever ‘truth’ the party puts out, no matter how absurd it may be. Orwell described it as ‘…loyal willingness to say black is white when party discipline demands this. It also means the ability to believe that black is white, and more, to know black is white, and forget that one has ever believed the contrary.’ ”
Anyway, let’s move on…
Many are also GREEDY. They want more than they pay for – customers/clients want products/services possibly for free, not understanding that there is no free lunch and that when prices are too low, quality (and their life) usually suffers as a result. Speaking of “quality of work”… I am appalled when a “professional” asks much more money than the others, but in return gives less than them! Maybe I’m kidding, but I get a feeling that such a “professional”, instead of making me happy and putting good effort into his work, he would rather beat me to a pulp and take my cash if he could get away with it! It is a very bad feeling I tell you.
Moving on…
Many people squander whatever money they have on products that ruin their health and life (alcohol, drugs, tobacco, sweets etc.) that are either: cheap and unhealthy (eg. food with hydrogenated fats), expensive and useless (eg. the latest “musssst have” smartphone model) or sometimes both! Guess what… Choosing good, useful, beneficial products to buy requires much effort!
Also, many “plan to fail because they fail to plan” (careful planning requires much effort). Consequently, their lives are a mess.
Many are: sick (overweight, diseased, etc.) mostly because of their very own unhealthy lifestyle; less physically attractive than they could be (quite an understatement in many cases); and since they’re often unable to learn from mistakes, their sentimental life is very below-average, also because they don’t have a clue as to how to make it better!
reality bites
Wednesday, February 11, 2015 at 2:42 pm
So let’s recap: as I see it, over 90% of people are ignorant, stupid, lazy, greedy, emotional and lacking independent thought… Exactly how they are being REARED by their masters (the politicians)! Yes, Evelyn, I’ll tell you what I think of many people:
PEOPLE ARE CATTLE!
(remove the spaces to view this URL)
subversivecrossstitch . com/kits/images/cattle2big . jpg
Politicians are slowly creating (through mass-media and other means) an “inferior race of mindless worker drones” to blindly rob in order to finance their opulent, shameful, unaccountable lifestyle backed by sheer force! Free-thinking individuals who are intelligent and question rules established by the Elite are branded as enemies of the State and marginalized and stigmatized… Sometimes even “stopped”, whatever that means… So the mediocre prosper, and the real GOOD people are punished for being better than most… What a tragedy.
People are being robbed blind left and right, and don’t understand that “economic crisis” is the increasingly bigger heaps of money that are being taken from them (by force, nothing less) under false pretenses!
But through “stick and carrot politics”, many people will go wherever their masters want them to go… Like domesticated beasts!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestication
“taming of a population of organisms in order to accentuate traits that are desirable to the cultivator or tamer. The desired traits may include a particular physical appearance, behavioral characteristic, individual size, litter size, hair/fur quality or color, growth rate, fecundity, lifespan, ability to use marginal grazing resources, production of certain by-products, and many others. Domesticated organisms may become dependent on humans or human activities, since they sometimes lose their ability to survive in the wild.”
In synthesis: people are regressing from “Homo sapiens sapiens” (very sapient man) to “Homo bestialis” (beast-like man), a true ENGINEERED INVOLUTION for the human race! All happening because people (like cattle) give up their freedoms in exchange for comforts and “security” (as defined by their masters, who are only concerned that their financial slaves don’t rebel against them; that’s the kind of security they have in mind!)
Alas, that’s it for today… But believe me, I’d go on for a long time if I had more time!
What do you think, Evelyn? Please share your thoughts (but remember that we aren’t the only two people reading them, haha!)
(In the meanwhile, I’ll review my future post about the “Search” romantic phase, it’s long overdue!)
reality bites
Wednesday, February 11, 2015 at 3:34 pm
http://waitingtillmarriage.org/book-review-hooked-new-science-on-how-casual-sex-is-affecting-our-children/
Good book on why one should never have sex before marriage! I’ll post more about my own thoughts on people these days soon!
Evelyn
Tuesday, February 17, 2015 at 10:10 am
Thanks for the link! 🙂 And I’m looking forward to your next post! 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, February 19, 2015 at 9:28 am
Hi Evelyn, a curiosity if you don’t mind…
Do you use this blog’s “Notify me of new comments via email” option?
I also wonder how often you visit this blog, so maybe I can try harder and reply more often. 🙂
Thanks in advance for any reply! 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 10:24 am
Anyway I hope you enjoy my 27 Feb post above; I’ll soon post the next installment below it! 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, March 4, 2015 at 11:51 am
power of love- the fuck is that??
Anonymous
Saturday, February 28, 2015 at 9:30 pm
It’s the power to obey this law! 🙂
http://tinyurl.com/69rkjyu
The more premarital sex partners a man or woman has, the higher his/her divorce probabilities.
Many people ignore (or PREFER to ignore) this fact – and they get hurt. But it’s their fault.
reality bites
Monday, March 2, 2015 at 9:59 am
(Sorry for the long break… Let me resume the talk!)
At this point, I see at least three categories of humans.
– NYC (not yet checked) people: you don’t know whether they’re interesting or not, because you know nothing (or far too little) about them; this is obviously the (overwhelmingly) most numerous category
– CAD (checked and discarded) people: you rated them as “uninteresting” even at this very early stage; you shouldn’t re-examine them before a full year has passed (as personality changes very slowly, if at all)
– PIP (potentially interesting people): people to be included on your “watch list”
2) OBSERVATION PHASE
In the “Observation” romantic phase, you are checking your “watch list” of “potentially interesting people” and your goal is to find out who IS worth dating and who is NOT.
The “watch list” is “open”, meaning that some people’s names will be erased from it and be replaced by “new entries” as time goes by.
You should start working on the “most interesting” person first, and end with the “least interesting” person on your list.
This is also because at some point, you and a “watched person” will be talking to each other and probably be called (eg. invited) to make “The Dating Decision”: to date or not to date? As a general rule, you don’t want to start dating a “less interesting” person while a “more interesting” person is on your list.
Now, about the selection process itself…
While “casual talking” was as far as you were allowed to go in the previous phase, in the “Observation” phase you’ll want to talk more extensively with each subject. “First impressions” can be wrong… And you want to make sure that you’re not “dead wrong” BEFORE you start dating, not after.
Also because, a few people shouldn’t be offered a date because they are, quite frankly, either patently immature or even plain psychopaths. Some may even turn into stalkers, and the sooner you identify them as such, the better; avoid those at all costs, as a “date” would become a “relationship” in their sick, twisted mind! Let me say that again: if you don’t spot a stalker early, once you agree to a date, you’re stuffed!
Let your “No” mean “No!”: if you don’t want to date somebody, refuse! Do not give in to pressure: as I see it, the more you are pressured for a date, the more you should “stick to your guns” and say No! Excessive insistence is a “red flag” and may identify a person who’ll want to possess you like an item, rather than love you! Be ESPECIALLY wary of people who keep insisting on a date “just because”, without logically argumenting why; people with insufficient reasoning skills can be especially dangerous; they’re infatuated, “in love with the idea of being in love” and most definitely will NOT love YOU!
If you say “No”, take careful note of the number of times the person insists after that. Let it be a measure of interest… But mostly a measure of “stalker risk”.
(Continues… It’s a very complex topic and I had to “break it down” in manageable “bites”; any comments, please post them in another thread below)
reality bites
Thursday, May 7, 2015 at 2:17 am
Gah! Sorry for the double post! I’ll keep posting about the romantic phases in the “long thread” way above! Below the “Tuesday, July 29, 2014 at 2:57 pm” branching point!
reality bites
Thursday, May 7, 2015 at 2:49 am
Hello RB! Sorry I have been away for awhile. I wanted to reply to your posts when I was on a work trip recently as I thought I had more time after work but no! Jetlag meant that I slept immediately upon ending work. HA! I’m back home now and I will go through your posts i intend to reply to since February (gosh it’s mid-May already!). I will probably reply to all of them below this current one I’m writing and indicate the date of the post I’m replying to, to make it all less confusing. I also have one question which i will include below. All coming up in the next few days 🙂 Hope you are well!
Evelyn
Wednesday, May 13, 2015 at 3:45 pm
Reply to Feb 11, 2015; 2:42pm post:
I have to say that I completely agree with your post. I do find people these days to be: ignorant, stupid, shallow/superficial, lazy, greedy, materialistic, uncouth/unrefined and just plain below-average in every way imaginable. I’m sorry if I come off sounding really arrogant, but the longer I work in my industry, the more I detest the average person. A lot of people just come off as straight-up superficial, rude, dumba$$es whom I am not dying to spend time with.
Lazy: As you said, lots of people are so lazy these days. Look at the number of ‘get-rich-quick’ schemes around and the number of people becoming so-called ‘entrepreneurs’ in order to get rich quick? Of course there are other reasons to becoming a entrepreneur, but making money fast and on one’s own terms seem to be the top reasons. Also, look at the high demand for jobs in finance/banking? (Where you will see some of the worst immoral unethical lowlifes on earth scumming around in the same office). Also, like you said, a lot of people have no patience/resilience and are all about instant gratification. Fast money, ‘fast sex’, ‘fast beauty’ (plastic surgery), fast food etcetc. Learning and education are not valued anymore. Also, the number of slackers in many offices around the world is shocking (I do research on stuff like that for my job). And people wonder why productivity is so low…
Impolite/uncouth/unrefined: I’d probably go off into some gender-type rant, but the behaviour of a lot of men/women in public is really quite appalling. I just returned from a trip to Europe and the masculine, aggressive behaviour of a lot of the women there is quite astounding. Women in Asia are following suit as well. And no, no amount of skirts or make up you wear will make you ‘feminine’ if you are so God-damned rude and uncouth!! In fact, I find the more women focus on their looks (the ones who have thick makeup, heels, dressed to the nines etc), the more rude and entitled they come across. Rarely do people say please/thank you anymore and I get seriously shocked when someone holds the door for me (usually men). In that respect, Western men still beat Asian men hands down when it comes to gentlemanliness. Men here are seriously pathetic; it’s no wonder so many good women here are single or attached/married to manginas. These rude jerks then go on to pass their rude-a$$ behaviour to their kids, and then we wonder why as a society we are becoming so effing self-centred and… well, rude!
Ignorant: Yes, the amount of rubbish people spout on a daily basis without any facts is really shocking to me. People are so dumb and ignorant and seem to want to stay that way! No excuse for this though, as most of us have ‘smartphones’ and are wired up to the internet in some way. But what I’ve observed is: these new inventions in society and technology seem to bring out the worse sides of human beings. Technology and smartphones were touted as this place where people could get information on all sorts of things all the time. But why are people so much dumber and more ignorant than before? Social media sites were touted as places to stay connected with family and friends. But it’s ruining relationships, blurring the lines with regard to nudity and porn (have you seen the gross celebrity accounts on Instagram where most of these celebrity whores post half naked/pics of them in skimpy attire and millions of people follow them?), creating anxiety and addiction issues and a short attention span.
Stupid: Dear God, the number of times I’ve seen people misconstrue the meaning of very simple sentences or instructions in emails/surveys. And people with ‘useless information’ are EVERYWHERE. They will willingly spend hours scrolling through their facebook/Instagram/twitter feeds to find out what their colleague had for dinner, what their favourite celeb is doing now etc. I personally know people who are fans of certain celebs spend their entire time ‘stalking’/analysing/coming up with a timeline of their celeb’s twitter feed etc to find out what is going in their lives. I mean seriously?? You are gonna spend your whole life analysing the whereabouts/feelings about some random person whom you don’t even know and who doesn’t know you exist as well? But you can’t spend that time on personal development?? Celebrity worshippers really boggle my mind. Yup! Stupid people are the ones who believe everything they read and see without questioning it, and are very vulnerable to manipulation and I noticed, are very emotional themselves. Also, I realise that a lot of so-called industry ‘experts’ and senior corporate people are full of crap, are not wise and have nothing valuable to contribute to anybody. The truly ‘wise’ people are rare in this world.
Greedy/materialistic: Yes! People keep asking for higher wages, but come on, what do you have to contribute in return for higher wages? Most of the time – nothing. Many people want to live above their means and then demand that their employers pay them higher. (This is barring people who don’t live above their means but need to meet the needs of other circumstances, ie: having dependents etc). I mean, if I were an employer, why should I? I know there is a lot of ‘foreigner unrest’ in many countries, but if I were to have a ‘foreign labour’ who is cheaper and who is on par in terms of talent with the local… it’s kind of a no-brainer who I would employ right? And yes, lots of people WASTE a lot of their lives/time away, make wrong decisions all the damn time and their lives are a complete mess and they are never happy. And yup, lots of people squander their money on vices (cigarettes, partying, smoking etc) instead of spending that money bettering themselves. Not to mention buying the latest fashion/handbag and then carrying it around as if they were the best thing since sliced bread. I tell you, I hate, dislike, abhor materialistic people (women in particular) and wish they could just disappear. Many people love buying things on a whim – shoes, clothes, gadgets, makeup without really researching and finding out what is really good.
~End of Part I
Evelyn
Monday, May 18, 2015 at 8:57 pm
Part II: Reply to Wednesday, Feb 11 post; 3:34pm
Exactly! I do think people act and conduct themselves like mindless drones. Or zombies, as my dad likes to put it. People are so dumb that it’s super easy to manipulate them – this I have tried and found out myself. You can be as dumb as rocks but as long as you act a certain way in front of people, and play to their ‘script’ and their expectations, they will take whatever you do/say at face-value. I’ve seen many a researcher put out a lame piece of research, but just cause they are ‘good presenters’ and ‘charismatic’, people buy into what they say 100%. So I think a good strategy for dealing with people is to have two sides – behave a certain way to pander to the cattle/zombie masses and then reserve the real, good and intelligent side of yourself for the people who are truly worth it.
I also do believe that the media and government work hand in hand to ensure that the masses are constantly distracted by the inane nonsense that appears on tv/papers these days, so that they won’t spend the time analysing the real issues in the world. At the same time, perpetuate awful notions and ideals like casual sex, promiscuity, celebrity worship etc etc so that people no longer value what is important in life: family, traditional values etc.
In addition, there also has been an increase in censorship and being politically correct is all the rage. Say anything that isn’t ‘accepted’ or ‘popular’ in society and you get mercilessly attacked by the raging zombies. You see this happen all the time in comment spaces/forums everywhere on the internet, and I’m sure you’ve experienced it yourself on this site and the old one too!
People are seriously regressing in all shapes and forms – sex, food, dumb-ness etc etc.
~ End of Part II
Evelyn
Monday, May 18, 2015 at 8:58 pm
Reply to Friday February 27, 2015, 8:00am post (Search and observation)
LOL oh please. I’m EXTREMELY POSITIVE the ‘worthy’ human beings make up less than 10% of the human population. More like 5% and below. This is the reason why I’ve been thinking about this recently and am kind of preparing myself to be single the rest of my life. I have no burning desire to have kids, and if I do, it has to absolutely only be with the right man. And the process of finding that right man? An arduous, uphill task! I also need to get myself out of this country asap if I want to find any worthy man.
Anyway! The ‘three strikes and you are out’ dealbreaker list is very useful. I’m usually at a loss as to how many ‘strikes’ I should limit myself to. I usually can tell fairly quickly nowadays if a guy is LT potential material. Intelligence is one – and this is fairly easy to spot as the majority of people I meet I find to be either uninspiring or plain shallow or dumb.
The second trait is how (un) self-absorbed the person is. I find this to be very telling in the long term. And this can be a range of behaviours, how un-selfish he is, how gentlemanly…is he caring? Is he thoughtful? Is he busy but takes the time out to meet you and get to know you? Does his speech patterns and behaviour show that he includes others/thinks of others or does his world solely revolve around himself? Even simple things like holding the door for you. If he’s showing interest, does he pursue that or is he inconsistent/wishy-washy in following through? I have to point out that it’s ALL of these and not just one or two behavioural patterns. Since society is breeding an increasing number of superficial and self-absorbed, narcissistic individuals, I find this relatively easy to spot over time as well. A self-absorbed individual is never going to get into the relationship for the right reasons with you and you are never going to be happy with then in the long run.
Third trait I weed out for might sound rather uncompelling, but I find it to be a reflection of the person’s motivations and long-term goals. It’s the type of activities a person is into in their spare time and what are their reasons for taking up such activities. If a person’s hobbies include gymming often (to keep healthy), shopping, eating, watching movies…this would most likely be a person who I would find relatively boring – unless he/she has made interesting observations in the course of those activities. I have girlfriends who do these things but do it a little differently. Like, watching a movie in order to discuss things from a literary perspective after. People who are into just watching movies, watching TV and soap operas, browsing their facebook/twitter/Instagram feeds, looking at other people’s lives and photos, reading garbage magazines and pining after celebs, besides other inane shit are the type of people I avoid like the plague. The ones I tend to go for/like hanging out with are people who pursue a new hobby.. like I don’t know, rock-climbing, and who keep up with it and set goals for it. Or they read non-fiction books for personal development in their free time and discuss the content with friends. They go for walks to relax and reflect on life. They travel and observe and make social commentaries… these are the types I like. But they are pretty rare. I have a female friend who is like this and I’m pretty positive if she were male, I would handcuff myself to him and never let go.
This was abit long but feel free to comment on my list! And I completely understand that about work because that is what happens to me too. I Will have a list of things I intend to do but end up lying on the bed most of the time =(
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 19, 2015 at 8:44 am
Reply to May 7, 2015, 2:38am post, (Observation phase cont’d)
I think a lot of people we meet fall into…CAD? Haha. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I only come across PIP on the occasion, and it’s usually due to a stroke of luck. But I guess I’ve been quite lucky at times… And I find that even after a year, the CADs (how appropriate!) usually never change. Or they do, but it’s in a way which doesn’t interest me anymore. I also have to say that once I decide a person should no longer be in my life for whatever reason, I never ‘go back’ and ‘revisit’ that person again. I don’t know why, but once I’m ‘done’ with the person, I’m done for good – there are always better, more interesting people to meet in life.
Observation phase – UGH. I find so many people so desperate to get into relationships with anybody that they treat ‘hanging out’ as being in a relationship and get sticky quite quickly. What are the recommended topics to talk about extensively? I know for me one of the main ones would be their thoughts on relationships/past relationships, views on sex (this should be saved for a little later right), their views on various things in life/society?
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 19, 2015 at 9:00 am
Let me comment on your favorite criteria for selecting a long term partner.
1) Intelligent.
I’ll simply say that I totally agree. We could have written a lengthy treaty on the many benefits of having an intelligent life partner… but there is no need of writing one! 🙂
2) Un-self-absorbed.
Yup! In a role-playing videogame, we could name this the “Team Player” trait.
If a person isn’t a Team Player, if (s)he doesn’t see that a Relationship is the sum of two lives (more lives in a Family) as opposed to egoistic resource exploitation, we definitely must dump the selfish individual in a flash!
In the Prisoner’s Dilemma (game theory), “Cooperate” is the best long-term strategy – so, egoists repeatedly demonstrate stupidity, ignorance, or quite possibly both.
If we could issue just one warning to humankind, it would probably be: run away from egoists, or they’ll consume your life!
3) Pastimes and reasons to engage in them.
This is a very wise observation.
What is somebody’s “Friday Night Essence”? What does (s)he do, or would like to do, in his/her spare time and why? What is his/her passion?
For example: if you love animals whereas your friend likes duck hunting, then, my friend, you probably aren’t made for each other!
reality bites
Sunday, July 26, 2015 at 12:15 pm
Now some assorted remarks…
About gymming… Going to the gym “too often” may be a sign of egocentrism/histrionicism/narcissism in itself. However, “moderate gymming” is OK and in fact commendable as long as it’s a genuine expression of equilibrated self-esteem and love for one’s health and soul mate; I bet most wives would prefer their husbands to have a six-pack abdomen instead of a beer belly.
Having babies… Many women had terrible parents, and I understand why these women don’t want to have babies. However, the woman who is spiritually and economically ready to have babies, after giving birth she will be a good parent; she just has to make sure that her soul mate is good-hearted and also prepared and qualified for the arduous task of becoming a parent. Sadly, today, the majority of people aren’t definitely ready, and it would be better if they never had any babies at all.
Not accomplishing all tasks… It happens. Sometimes often. We must make room (save time) for the most important things. Eliminate one “energy drain” from your life; for example, if you were going to see somebody who’s more trouble than it’s worth… Cancel the appointment. 🙂 No regrets. Or anyway, cancel any activities that you don’t like. For example, I never go clubbing as it’s rather pointless; why should I waste my time and hard-earned cash on activities that I don’t like? 🙂
http://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/things-youll-understand-if-you-hate-clubbing#.wvjVMWxKwL
Expatriation… Do it ASAP! 🙂 I told you. You cannot fish well in a small pond. Choose your destination carefully, though.
Last but not least… Sorry again but my “philosophy factory” has been repeatedly hit hard by bombardments as an effect of the (figurative) war raging around me. So the total output (words per month) has been severely reduced… I’m working on repairing my damaged “machinery” so the output level is restored to pre-war levels. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, July 26, 2015 at 12:29 pm
Hello RB! Sorry I’ve been away on vacation for awhile and came back to a pile of work. Hope you are holding the fort well!
I have some new thoughts that have dawned on me in the past few months that i’ve been away from this site, and i think it might be nice to get your thoughts on them!
1) Expatriation. I just returned from a vacation in Europe. And I just have to say that i prefer it much more than the continent my country is in. I feel that my personality feels well into the environment has going for itself. I know everything isn’t perfect and there are definitely flaws, but i think it’s a place i see myself living in quite comfortably. The issue is – which country. Since Europe is large.
2) Demisexuality. I’ve been thinking and reading about this for awhile now. And I do think I identify quite strongly with the demisexual/aromantic/demi-romantic side of asexuality. Thing is, I don’t know if I’m REALLY like this or it’s due to my country not having much of a dating culture. People here aren’t open, don’t make much effort to get to know new people and simply don’t “date around”. They just meet someone in university and then stay with that person and get married a few years later. I can’t imagine every single one of these relationships are full of happiness. It just sounds really boring to me and at my age, I do like to meet more people. This is also one reason why I want to move to Europe so badly, i feel that there’s someone for everyone there, whereas in my country, i feel that if you don’t fit in society’s standards, you will never find someone. For eg, i have lots of female friends who are intelligent, good-looking, nice ladies who can’t click with local men as they are too “opinionated” and “independent”. Men here are betas and don’t make me feel feminine enough. In Europe, I felt like women were treated like women and the men were very gentlemanly. I’m attracted to men with gentlemanly traits and i feel that i will be able to find someone who was born and raised with a culture of treating others well.
3) Now, this is slightly…. i dont know where to begin. But i do think i’ve been suffering from some form of celebrity worship for many years now. It just dawned upon me when i was on vacation. I think this bad habit started when i was very young (11?) and i’ve mostly idolised male athletes in the sporting field that i myself am involved in. I am not sure if it’s a lack of “romance” or stuff going on in real life too but i do find myself over the years idolising these athletes and having fantasies of us in relationships and stuff. This is very embarrassing But when i find out they are in relationships etc, i feel really really sad. or when i see them on social media liking a female’s pictures, posting comments or posing in photos, i start to feel anxious and wonder if they are together. I’m don’t behave like a “fan” meaning, i dont follow/watch every single match, feel the need to buy magazines to read about them, go to their concerts/competitions. I dont feel the need to spend any money, own the things they own etc. It’s… different. It’s more like a fantasy sort of relationship. I look at pictures of them/read blogs about them and try to find out more about their personal lives/real personalities. It’s been extermely unproductive for me and i feel it’s detrimental to my life, work, time and mental health. I sometimes end up stoning/wasting time/fantasising at work and at home, reading stuff about them, looking at their social media accounts… and then it’s dawned on me that i’ve wasted like hours. i think i’ve wasted alot of my life on this already. and my todo lists pile up as a result. This is extremely embarrassing but i really do want to put a complete stop to it. It dawned upon me that this is getting ridiculous. 1) These people dont know about me and yet here i am trying to find any shred of infor about them/spend MY time staring at their pictures. 2) they are posting all these stuff about their amazing lives, all the while living their dreams, earning huge loads of money and basically making use of fans and yet here, people like me are stopping OUR lives and letting our time revolve around them. It’s just… so stupid. I realised this can be stopped as when i was on vacation i couldnt be bothered to follow any news, it didnt matter to me and i couldnt be bothered. but now that im back in my country… the old habits are starting to creep in. How should i stop this embarrassing celebrity fantasy obsession? =(
Hope you are well!!
Evelyn
Wednesday, September 2, 2015 at 3:52 pm
Oh, something else I’ve found that i’ve been wanting to post for awhile. I got this from the History of the decline and fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon. Here are his reasons for the decline of that once-great empire:
First: Rapid increase of divorce, with the undermining of the sanctity of the home, which is the basis of society.
Second: Higher and higher taxes; the spending of money for bread and celebrations.
Third: The mad craze for pleasure, sports becoming every year more exciting and more brutal.
Fourth: The building of gigantic armaments, when the real enemy was within; the decadence of the people.
Fifth: The decay of religion; faith fading into mere form, losing touch with life, and becoming impotent to guide it.
I actually think this is eerily true of our society RIGHT NOW. Every single point he has stated for the roman empire’s decline is happening now. We are right in the thick of it. As much as we want to boast about how far we have come in terms of ideals and technological advancements and whatnot, i do really think these are advancements in the positive sense. Instead, these new inventions and revolutionary liberal modern thoughts have instead served to expedite the decilne of our society. Technology is a boon in many areas but a huge bane in many ways too. Romance is dead, relationships and family units are falling apart, work is junk for alot of people, everyone walks around like zombies. Our society is truly rotting away and will continue to do so. Alot of us have lost our conservative values, our uniqueness (everyone talks about being different but in the end everyone is the same because they choose to be different in the same ways), basic empathy as humans and the list just goes on and on. This is actually one very huge reason why a huge part of me does not want to ever get married. Good quality people are rare, really rare and even if i do find one and marry, im not sure i want to bring any kids into this disgusting world.
Evelyn
Wednesday, September 2, 2015 at 4:01 pm
The guy that I’m seeing? (I told you about him recently), he’s been in a TV production in his native country the past 2 months, so we haven’t been physically in the same place. He’s flying over to meet me this week as filming has ended already. This drama in particular involves a lot of overnight shooting for many many hours, sometimes they would be at the same set for at least 18 hours.
There are 3 male actors in total (including him) and 3 female actresses. Well, what is bothering me is that he recently took a photo of one of the particular actresses, Girl K, and uploaded it. It was taken during their break in filming and they were still in their characters’ costume. In the film, he plays an evil Vampire and she’s a human Queen who doubles as his servant. He captioned the picture something like, “Queen, why do you often not listen to my words??” To put it in context, her character isn’t exactly a very obedient slave and goes against the words of his character. The picture I suspect, was also a hint as to what will happen in the upcoming episode where her disobedience results in him killing her.
They were seated beside each other and he put on a slightly irritated face as his pose. What bothered me was, he has an arm around her, and it was resting on her shoulder. It was very surprising to me as he is quite a touch-averse person, especially with women. I’ve only ever seen him sort of initiate physical contact/allow physical contact from 2 women and they are his friends, with a slightly boyish personality. Also, he never ever takes pictures with his arms around people. Actress K then uploaded another picture where it was in the same setting and both of them were posing again, with annoyed faces but this time she was standing and he was seated a distance away in the background.
So Idk, I’ll give you further context.
1) He’s actually very funny and mischievous but mostly comes off as a pretty standoffish/reserved personality, but recently earlier this year, he started becoming very open and funny/sociable/hyper on interviews and press conferences etc. And he’s started saying things like “I love joking around” when asked about his personality. So I kind of suspect his management has instructed him to be slightly more friendly and sociable. Either to appeal to fans or get him more roles.
2) He’s been openly joking around with his co-stars (was doing so with 2 of the actresses) at the press con which I found abit unusual.
3) For most TV productions in his country, you seldom see cast members posting a lot of behind the scenes photos. But for this production he’s on, every single cast member has posted a constant stream of BTS stuff, consisting of their own pictures of pictures taken with each other. Even cast members that appear for a few episodes or are sidekicks are very active posting stuff on social media. My guy is one of the most active one and has taken pictures with literally every one he’s filmed a scene with. I do wonder if they are told by the production company to hardcore promote the show and their friendship.
4) I don’t know Actress K very well, but from what I’ve read from her fans and a few things I’ve seen of her, she seems to be slightly idk.. boyish? Open? Basically, she can be pretty touchy feely with both men and women and a lot of her BTS pictures have her being pretty affectionate with her male co-stars. She also has admitted to having more male than female friends. I don’t see her touchy feely-ness as flirting though. It’s more like neutral, easy going, comfortable kind of touching.
5) I’ve watched bts videos of my guy and Actress K and observed their body language etc and I don’t see anything suspicious. They banter with each other like anyone else and she’s actually not as touchy with him as she is with other guys. She seems quite reserved and possibly even slightly uncomfortable around him. He doesn’t touch her or flirt with her either. At the press conference, they looked quite awkward. Just all pretty.. normal. But I do know they do chit-chat with each other quite abit BTS as they’ve talked about their conversations in interviews.
6) Actress K is the only actress out of the 3 that he has the most screentime with and hence spends the most time filming with. So I do understand if they would have become quite good friends from there. He actually has a longer friendship with one of the other actresses but they have very little scenes together and he doesn’t really take photos or whatever with her.
7) The relationship between his character and Actress K’s character is one of the most popular ones amongst the viewers who are fans of the show. A lot of people like the two of them together and keep posting screengrabs of their scenes/writing fan fictions of their characters together etc. So when he posted the picture, it received a ton of comments and likes. The most out of any picture that he has posted from the set so far. =/ A lot of people hope their characters start romancing each other although it’s pretty clear they won’t. And this is actually slightly annoying to me, so am glad the show is ending too lol. I dislike the type of fans he attracts.
So…given all these, could the picture be 1) one between friends 2) PR move to promote the drama and/or their characters’ relationship 3) a sort of PR move to showcase his new sociable character (but why pick her to do it with though) 4) a mixture of some of each in 1,2,3 5) just a pose with no thought concrete thought/reason behind it.. 6) Something else altogether?
I’m probably over-analyzing but I’m really surprised he put his arm on her shoulder. Though he’s not holding her and just resting his arm, it does surprise me, and seems a little out of character for him. Is it alright if I could get your thoughts on this?
Evelyn
Wednesday, September 9, 2015 at 10:49 pm
Hello Evelyn, welcome back… Thanks, I’m well and the fort is holding! 🙂 Anyway I’m “making a run for it!” (Posting before I fall asleep yet again, haha)
Congratulations for your readings about the Roman Empire, the comparison between the Roman Era and the Present Era is spot-on and something that I’d have loved to briefly mention but you beat me to it! 🙂
For many, Europe is still a decent place to live in… Though most of it will soon be inglobated by the New Roman Empire (EU). Indeed, pick your favorite country wisely. Perhaps you should decide based upon four things: level of enforcement of family values (clues hidden in statistics: abortions, out-of-wedlock births, etc.), level of public debt (countries with low public debt have less need to confiscate your wealth), tax rates and average income for your profession. In short, avoid the most immoral AND most bankrupt countries if at all possible!
Also, I’m afraid to say that (in the long run) most EU countries will lose their own identity, and therefore values, because of lax immigration controls/policies. I believe this was planned by the powers-that-be. In order to create the EU superstate, “They” are eager to make the national cultures of its many member-states plain dissolve/disappear! And once the “uniform culture” will have been created, the EU will truly become a dictatorship (but so is becoming the rest of the world; in other words, people are stuck between a rock and a hard place). But I guess that even so, many EU countries will STILL be better than the country you are living in right now.
reality bites
Thursday, September 24, 2015 at 12:41 am
Regarding your second point (demisexuality)… It’s only normal that you don’t feel much attraction for most men in your country. (It’s not a fault with you; it is your country that is faulty!) I too believe that it’s because of your country’s “this is your future spouse” culture; I mean, in a world of mediocre people, do they really expect you to blindly marry somebody “handed over from above”? There would be no free will in that, and the chances of marrying the Right One would be extremely slim.
You rightly don’t want to “roleplay your way to unhappiness-ever-after”. Once again, it is imperative that you find a better country ASAP. One where a single won’t feel lonely and where a woman can freely choose her own soul mate. I’m confident that, eventually, you’ll find your very personal “Shangri-La” out there. 🙂
If you want to discuss countries’ statistics to help you choose your new country, feel free to post a new thread and I’ll share my thoughts about any data that you may post. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, September 24, 2015 at 1:55 am
Hi Evelyn.
I consider many celebs “TIME VAMPIRES”. Enough said! And many “celebs” are genuinely rather useless! Some couldn’t make an omelette even if their life depended on it!! Anyway…
In a nutshell: If you need to worship celebrities, do worship ONLY experts working in USEFUL fields, and concentrate on LEARNING THEIR SECRETS instead of reading about their relationships.
Let’s take a step back… We must stop taking part in any unproductive activities, and stop watching any useless TV program. And replace such activities with productive ones. Examples…
Sports such as: tennis, soccer, baseball, golf, hockey, rugby, football, chess, card games, etc. may be entertaining to practice and fun to watch on TV, but we can definitely do without them. I’m not saying that you can’t play volleyball or can’t watch TV fiction or shows anymore when you need a break, but such stuff is like drugs and moderation is essential.
It would be MUCH better to take part in USEFUL activities, ones that allow us to develop USEFUL skills, such as: cooking, fishing, swimming, hunting, running, parkour, effective martial arts for self defense, etc. It is no secret that many people today are not effective when it comes to: running away from danger, defending themselves, producing their own food or repairing their own stuff. But we can improve ourselves if we want, by participating in USEFUL activities.
Fast forward… Instead of worshiping fictional TV celebs who blab in front of a camera without contributing useful stuff, it would be MUCH better for us to worship: a renowned martial artist, a skilled fisherman, an expert cook – and learn all their secrets! Hell, even worshiping a marketing scientist who teaches you how to make more money makes more sense than worshiping a vapid histrionic singer with a bad attitude and a God complex!!
In extreme synthesis: if the object of our worship doesn’t do something USEFUL and worthy of respect, then it’s time to change object of worship.
I’d rather worship a MASTER TRAINER than actresses and singers.
Also… Celebrities often have so many more followers than they deserve, because they project a false image of them. The “wise queen”, the “good boy”, the “virgin actress”, the “poor victim” – very often, it’s all bullshit. And you know what? People eat it. With both hands. Bleargh.
Yes, perhaps we should ignore many celebrities and instead keep ourselves busy in PRODUCTIVE activities. 🙂 That’s just about the best way to deal with “time vampires”.
And if you still feel like spending much time learning about celebrities… Remember that many/most celebs aren’t virgins, so if you’re looking for a virgin husband then reading about their relationships is a true waste of time.
reality bites
Sunday, September 27, 2015 at 7:31 am
Hello hello, good to know you are still holding fort! Ha. Besides Edward Gibbon’s book are there any good books detailing the fall of the Romans? It’s actually really eerie how our society has become exactly like the Roman Empire. And it’s getting worse with liberalism and “modernism” getting stronger. I do think our civilisation will collapse upon itself pretty soon, maybe not in our generation, but probably our children’s. I don’t know, I just feel the end is pretty near.
My friend made an interesting observation awhile ago whilst we were watching a movie about the Last Day on Earth. She was showing me images of our planet taken from space, images now compared with 20 years ago. Earth really looks miserable. 20 years ago, the ozone layer was rather intact and from space, you could see many patches of green everywhere. The images these days show a very pathetic looking ozone layer and a lot of the green has disappeared and has been replaced by dry, brown patches. There seems to be less and less land available as well. So thanks to humans, either the environment or society or both will be destroyed and everything will end. Wouldn’t want to be around when that happens!
I have started my research based on the four points you mentioned and will leave some of what I’ve found in about a week on another thread here!
Absolutely. Lots of countries are already losing their identity and people are becoming more uniform by the day. The desire to be like clones of each other (plastic surgery getting more popular anyone) is just really scary, in looks and in thoughts. Being different is getting less acceptable. I truly think there’s a plan by “them” to make Europe extremely uniform too – it’s a sinister plan and seems to be working. But, yes, I prefer any country in Europe than where I live now! People here like to complain that Europe is inefficient. So what? I rather be inefficient and lead a proper, happy life than be efficient and lead a zombiefied life.
Evelyn
Sunday, September 27, 2015 at 8:58 am
Yeah exactly. The culture here is extremely homogenous and people think life = work, spending hours upon hours in the office. And very few people are happy in their marriages. When I was in Europe recently, I see all sorts of combinations of individuals coupling up. It might sound weird but to me it was like, gosh I have to move here asap. There’s literally someone for everyone. And people are free to choose and date and there is no homogeneity and no societal pressure to bow down to. And no one judging your choices.
Thank you for those encouraging words, I do hope to find my own Shangri-la soon too! 😀
Evelyn
Sunday, September 27, 2015 at 9:03 am
Indeed, celebs are time vampires. I don’t know why so many people obsess over useless people? None of these singers/actresses/sportspeople even contribute to make the world a better place. Why are they paid so much??? They don’t even do anything productive. Ok, for sportspeople, at least they go through rigorous training and have to discipline themselves to some extent, most people won’t choose that lifestyle. Not everyone can be a sportsperson, but so many people can be singers and actresses these days. Look at all the singing competitions and all that shown on tv.
On that note, I’ve been wanting to learn cooking and martial arts for awhile now. Martial arts I have no idea what to take up – parkour? At my age…hmm. Cooking is very useful, like really, really, really useful. So is knowing how to do things around the house – fixing stuff, sewing etc. I’ve fixed lots of things in my home haha! It’s just sad that women these days can’t even cook or do housework or don’t even want to. The men are equally pathetic and probably can’t even fix a lightbulb. At least where I live, I think it’s different in Europe. Cooking is sooo healthy and if I had a family, what better way to show love and care than cooking for everyone.
True. Many celebs aren’t virgins and probably aren’t even people I want to spend time with if I met them in real life! Lots seem as dense as a rock. Honestly though, useless celeb worshipping is really an addiction. I see all these young people on Instagram these days posting pictures of celebs they worship, commenting on celeb pages etc and I find it realllyyyy pathetic. Like can’t you have real goals in life? Also, I don’t understand how people think that whatever image the celeb portrays is 100% them? Haha. And I really want to understand the psychology behind the obsession – because a lot of “fans” come across really vapid and mentally unsound to me. Like lots of them I’ve met have self-esteem issues and seem to actually really need psychiatric help. =/
I will try and look up more to productive people!
Evelyn
Sunday, September 27, 2015 at 9:21 am
Hi again! Let me comment on the other topics.
1) The “photo with Actress K” and marketing/PR plans.
Here is my theory.
I believe that the photo with Actress K was not a “leak”, as your guy probably signed a non-disclosure agreement/clause that forbids “leaks” (the breaking of which may possibly cost him the job!)
Consequently, I believe that the photo may actually have been REQUESTED by the Management, as part of a marketing/PR strategy. Hence the “slightly irritated” face of your guy – he probably didn’t enjoy being photographed like that (being a touch-averse person and all that), but he went along the (marketing/PR) plan. Similarly for Actress K (the “annoyed faces” are somewhat revealing, eh?)
All your other contextual elements seem to confirm my “marketing-driven photo” theory. In your words, it would be a mix of your Options 2 and 3 (I’d discard Options 1, 4, 5 and 6).
Bottom line… Your guy and Actress K are simply professionals to each other, and there is no flirting and certainly no romantic relationship between them in real life. 🙂
Why the “embrace pose”? As you know, in vampire fiction the Embrace is the procedure to transform a human (eg. a human Queen) into a Vampire. So… The photo may represent a tasty plot anticipation for fans (for marketing purposes), which may also foreshadow a romantic relationship between the two CHARACTERS, as equals (both vampires). 🙂
As far as I know, in many vampire-fiction works, Vampires are considered (Un)dead, so even if the main character ends up killing the Queen for her stubborness, this does not exclude the possibility that the human female character could rise from the dead… radically transformed into… his loyal vampire lover! 😀
More comments to come! And thanks for asking for my feedback! 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, October 1, 2015 at 6:59 am
Hello!
You’re right, I don’t think it was a leak as well as they could have gotten into serious trouble. I always had a very strong feeling it was PR-related like you said. I think the ‘annoyed’ faces were part of the pose they decided to make for the photo. I’m not sure if it changes anything you said, but to me it was still a pose and not a natural shot.
And you are right about the embrace pose and what it means! Haha, a few days after this photo was released. The plot then headed the way of the Vampire using the Queen to plot against the exiled King and the rest of the court. In the end, she stabbed him and he accidentally killed her. Then there were several scenes of him lamenting that he will never have anyone by his side to listen to him again etcetc. And that really made fans excited! Haha. Cause it was confirmation to them that the Vampire was in love with the Queen (I disagree though), and the story was written in a way which hinted at some sort of romance between the two characters but it never happened. He killed her hundreds of years ago and brought her back from the dead, and hid her in a village for many years. Their characters are the most shipped together in the drama fandom despite not being the “main couple” or whatever. The annoying fans were shipping them in real-life too but thank God that has died down waha.
Thanks for your thoughts on this! It made me feel better 🙂 I sometimes don’t feel very confident in my thoughts as it seems different from others, so I start to get unsure of myself. But thanks for reassuring me!
Evelyn
Saturday, October 3, 2015 at 6:02 pm
2) Self-defense.
Hello Evelyn, glad I could help! 🙂 Now let me address the immense topic of self-defense.
In extreme synthesis, the best fight is the one you don’t get into.
Running+Parkour* (productive sports, because they double as self-defense skills) can put as much distance as possible between you and the attacker. Many times, this is the wisest course of action. *(BTW no, you’re not “old” for Parkour)
Running… It goes without saying. Parkour… that is riskier, sure, but I’d rather break my leg because I took a dangerous escape route and failed, rather than wait for a street thug to try his new baseball bat on me!
However, when escaping is not possible, you can use a good martial art for self-defense. Of course, since your goal is simply to stay unharmed/alive, unless you need to protect somebody you can resume running away as soon as a good escape route opens up. Let somebody else be a hero.
reality bites
Saturday, October 10, 2015 at 10:43 am
Which martial art should you take up? One that doesn’t require much force, yet is effective. “Wing-Chun Kung Fu” and “Tenshin Aikido” come to mind.
Imagine this. You ran away for a long time, but your pursuer is still hot behind you. How will you fight if you have no strength/stamina left? My answer is, use a martial art that requires little strength. (Side benefit… You won’t have to become muscular like a male!)
To recap… Take Running+Parkour as your primary escaping skills, and “Wing Chun Kung Fu” or “Tenshin Aikido” as your primary fighting skills.
Remember! Choose a Dojo (training facility) with a focus on teaching STREET SURVIVAL. You need to know how to deal with multiple opponents, even armed ones! Avoid Dojos obsessed with “theatrical performances” of “martial actors” coming to you in an orderly queue; in the street, there are no theatrical rules!
reality bites
Saturday, October 10, 2015 at 10:58 am
I believe that you would absolutely love Wing Chun!
http://www.wingchunpedia.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php?n=WCP.WingChun
“Wing Chun believes in using the least amount of required force in any fighting situation. It believes that small movements, properly timed and correctly positioned, can and should be used to defeat large movements. This is achieved through balance, body structure] and relaxation. The Chinese saying “4 taels to move 1000 catties” (referring to an old Chinese measurement system) is appropriate here in describing how a small amount of force, precisely applied, can deflect large and powerful attacks.”
This is the martial art that I recommend you above ALL others!
reality bites
Saturday, October 10, 2015 at 11:17 am
Aikido, too, requires very little force and allows you to neutralize the force of a much larger/stronger adversary.
It almost looks like magic, but it’s simply applied physics at work here. You use your opponent’s own force against him!
“The secret of Aikido is manipulation of power”…
Here’s the very summary of it (spoilers!)
reality bites
Saturday, October 10, 2015 at 1:29 pm
If you want to watch the whole Aikido documentary:
My suggestion is to master Wing Chun, but to be ready to use Aikido’s “manipulation of power” concepts if a strong opponent tries to push you and make you lose balance. 🙂
I’m open to further conversation about martial arts if you’re interested.
reality bites
Saturday, October 10, 2015 at 1:58 pm
A few words about the Roman Empire… Reading about it sure is interesting and can teach us many life lessons, however I don’t recommend to delve into too much detail as you’ll “get lost” in many time-consuming intricacies for little benefit. It goes without saying that when reading, you should always aim for the “right” level of detail given your preset goal.
The fundamental lesson is “people today are at least as bad as they were under the late Roman Empire” and if you want to educate people about that, I believe that (very unfortunately) many couldn’t care less and would even get offended if you said that, since they are part of the problem!
So by all means, read about the Roman Empire because you enjoy that; but do so selectively, and only in a fraction of your spare time… and do not expect many people to learn from ancient people’s mistakes. 😦
That said, here are two “contrarian” books that you could read in your spare time. Please note, I’m not endorsing their theories; personally, I believe that the Roman Empire fell because of a mix of social/religious decay/transformations, disorganization, economic crisis, and barbarian raw force coupled with military tactics/technological advances that changed the battlefield forever.
First book:
“The Fall of the Roman Empire: A New History of Rome and the Barbarians”
Quote from the description: “Peter Heather convincingly argues that the Roman Empire was not on the brink of social or moral collapse. What brought it to an end were the barbarians.”
Second book:
“The Fall of Rome: And the End of Civilization”
Feel free to share your latest findings about the Late Roman society like you wanted to, but don’t feel obliged to. I know first-hand that time is a precious commodity and that its supply is limited. 🙂
Lastly, let me add that a blog isn’t quite the right platform to talk about many topics. I know that I’m stating the obvious, but threads here bear no titles and can get awfully long. A forum would be a much better platform, but many don’t allow anonymous comments! 😦 (I guess that we’ll keep posting here for the time being, haha)
reality bites
Tuesday, October 27, 2015 at 11:27 am
1) Akido and Wing Chun actually look really interesting! I always liked martial arts/self-defense techniques that don’t focus on building muscles etc and focus more on trying make efficient use of your strength/body against your attacker. Which is why Chinese/ Japanese martial arts tend to appeal to me more. I also like that they teach you to be nimble/swift. The next step would be to find an appropriate class here but I doubt they would have any =/ So watching youtube videos would be the first step I guess!
Please do share more of your martial arts knowledge! 😀
2) Thanks for your reading recommendations! I’d probably skim through the learnings for those 2. I’m learning how to speed read these days – too many books to read but so little time! 😀
Haha, I have essentially given up on ever educating people. Most people are zombies anyway=/ Though I actually started my career based on that goal. However, after a couple of years at it…the experiences I’ve been through so far have been quite frustrating, so I have since completely abandoned that goal. Instead, I have chosen to just educate MYSELF and use that knowledge to influence the thinking of people close to me – family and to some extent SOME friends, and my future children. The rest of the world can go about their own ignorance and perish with it for all I care, haha.
What I’ve observed is that our current civilization/empire/whatever you call it is in the latter stages of decay. Which is why I believe that it will all come to an end soon and the human civilization may (or may not) start all over again. I say may not cause I think our physical environment is in a very (irreversibly) bad state and I don’t think it can hold out for too long.
I’m sure you have heard of the New World Order (NOW)? I’ve been reading around recently and I do think a lot of our moral decay is due to “their” doing. That includes sexual liberalism, feminism+avid promotion of LGBT rights (the total breakdown of a family unit). I’ve noticed that such…I’m not sure what to call it… “happenings” seem to be occurring a lot in a certain part of the world. So far my side of the world is kinda “safe” but the ideas are still trickling down here slowly. Ie:
And yes, a forum certainly is much better, but then again there are loads of uneducated trolls on forums. OR perhaps even a blog space where the comments allow titles. Cause it does get very lengthy and I have to really search for your responses to some things that we may have discussed a long while back but have come in useful now. Unless there’s some form of like I dunno…some shared document thing that can be classified by topic
Evelyn
Thursday, November 12, 2015 at 10:11 am
Hello Evelyn,
Hopefully I’ll post something about martial arts soon; as usual, time is scarce and the information to evaluate/verify/elaborate is overabundant. Ok, actually, I’m currently writing down something. 😉
About speed reading… Well done; speed reading truly is an essential skill these days.
Next… Yes, regarding your latest message: by the way I write, you can tell that I’ve read many things. 😉 I could write more, on a safer “discussion platform”.
Speaking of a better “discussion platform”… Yes, forums usually are full of stupid, uneducated people; but there are exceptions. Here is an idea: you could quickly create your very own forum on a secure (HTTPS) server, for you and anybody you want. You can actually create a forum on WordPress dot com itself … just watch this video:
www dot youtube dot com/watch?v=6GGeE3P09sQ
WordPress seems pretty safe as it even supports TLSv1.2 according to my Calomel extension for the FireFox browser.
Also, to make your own forum inaccessible to the Googlebot crawler and therefore pretty much invisible/private on the Web, you can add three lines of code on top of your “.htaccess” webfile.
QUOTE
RewriteEngine On
RewriteCond %{HTTP_USER_AGENT} Googlebot
RewriteRule . – [F,L]
/QUOTE
Google should see “403 Forbidden” when they try to visit/index your forum, as the code should effectively make the said forum invisible to Google. AFAIK, rules can be quickly written also to prevent access to: other search engine bots, certain browsers (user agents really), IP classes and pretty much to everyone except you and your selected group of friends.
You can allow anonymous guest comments on your forum, or require login+password for access, and set everyone’s write/publish/modify/delete post rights. Bye-bye, trolls and troglodytes! 🙂
That way you’d have a pretty safe and private “discussion platform”. Anyway, I’m not an expert; and other platforms exist too. I simply posted an idea, that’s all. The choice, as always, is yours! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 21, 2015 at 4:40 am
Reply to December 4, 2014, 4:02pm, 5:54pm posts; December 7, 2014, 3:52am (Dealing with porn-watchers),
If I ever dated someone whom I found out watched porn (sadly this is usually after a rlshp is formed)…I think I will leave the person on the spot. I have very little respect for people who indulge in these sorts of vices and respect is very closely tied to affection/love for me. I’ve met remorseful types who ‘repented’ but it is really hard to tell these days if a person is watching or not…given how everyone is on their smartphones constantly these days…and where does one draw the line?
It’s just so much easier to be secretive and untruthful these days, which is another reason I prefer to stay away from relationships! Also, about drawing the line – looking at ‘sexy’ pictures of celebs for instance might not qualify as ‘porn’ but it still is about looking at someone – who isn’t your other half – else’s body and admiring it. Given that a lot of celebs and women these days are so skanky and wouldn’t hesitate to post pictures of themselves in skimpy attire or even practically naked for some… it gets even harder to draw the line. Like, have you seen Instagram? Ha, I think it’s obvious by now how much of a beef I have with Instagram – I find it promotes the most superficial of behaviours, promotes showing off, makes people feel even more insecure and of course, there are plenty of women and female celebs who use it to post downright skanky stuff of themselves… and these celebs in particular have millions of followers! And lots of men ‘follow’ these profiles and these skanky pictures will appear on their feeds or they can go into the profile and look at an entire load of pictures. I find it really disgusting but I have no idea how to draw the line with this.
I know some people will say it’s a celeb it means nothing, it’s just an Instagram profile it means nothing… and sometimes that makes sense, but does it really mean nothing at all? Hmm…
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 19, 2015 at 9:20 am
Replies to posts April 7 2015 7:38am & April 24 2015 8:55am
As of now, I consider us to still be in the observation phase 🙂 I’ve spoken to him about all 4 things actually, and what I think is:
1. Jealousy… probably something I know I will have to suck it up or find a way to ‘get over’. I will see how this one goes. Of course I want to lead a life without having to ‘suck it up’/’get over’ anything. But I have noticed that it was just that one role he played which bothered me the most. I still haven’t figured out why. The rest I’ve found that I could care less. I don’t know why though – it could be the way those kiss scenes were filmed/edited, or was it the whole premise/atmosphere…the writing or something, but it just made me feel upset/really uncomfortable watching them, as it remains the one film of his I have not watched and have no desire to. Really can’t explain why…
2. Permissivism and puppeteers. I think these two go hand in hand together? And no offence taken at the use of the word puppeteers, I know what you were trying to get at. Now this is why I think a person’s circle of friends matter so much. It’s the lifestyle and values you influence each other with, isn’t it. Anyway he has two main groups of friends and the ones I told you about – the party-goers, fetishists, cross-dressers, homosexuals, heavy drinkers, (one who got caught doing weed and I suspect a couple of them have been exposed to it), attending every sort of celebrity event, seen frequently at night clubs, have very close ties in the celebrity and fashion world (yuk) and thus have unstable lifestyles and are exposed to people with unstable lifestyles and personalities. These are the childhood friends he’s had for ages and they started hanging out with each other cause most of them were gay/bisexual/asexual in a homophobic country. Anyway. He’s noticed that I’m very uncomfortable (what do celebs and intellectuals have in common eh?) with them and as a result has made an effort to stay away from (attend less events etc with them), or he will hang around for a bit and then leave. The one whom he’s still really close to though is the celebrity homosexual who got caught doing weed (ugh).
It’s also partly because of differing lifestyles and cause he’s met another group of friends who are models just like him. And except 1, the other 3 are toothpick-straight. He’s much closer to this group and hangs out with any one of them daily when I’m not in the country. I have to say I’m very happy with this as this group are more stable individuals. I’ve met them before and they rarely drink, but do hang out doing guys stuff – sports, analysing films (they all act), exercising, taking drives into the countryside etc. so very quiet stuff and I really hope it stays this way. None of them have histories of taking weed or clubbing and making out with women/ having several hook-ups/casual relationships like the other group has. Phew. And when I’m in the country he brings me to hang out with them and not the other group. A downside is all of them smoke. UGH
3. Smoking. LOL. I laughed at all the images I had with the questions u typed out here – so funny! He’s cut down quite abit (and seems quite determined to do so) after learning that I hated it, and seems to be more a social smoker. Of course I wish the habit would completely disappear
4. The soft porn on Instagram thing. I had a small chat with him about this – not directly – and find that he doesn’t get ‘aroused’ by the pictures of the females. His take is that those are aesthetical/artistic. Being someone who isn’t very artistic/aesthetical and has no appreciation of the human form in that manner, I don’t really get it. But then again, I’m not a model so I don’t understand how he thinks. He also only seems to ‘follow’ people whom he sees his friends following. This is one thing about their culture which I really don’t get – and this includes the smoking habit. Everyone seems to follow everyone literally in terms of habits and lifestyle. The whole culture and country is so homogenous (foreigners aren’t still fully welcome) that I find it hard to wrap my head around. Anyway, his Instagram actions don’t seem to fit his real life personality and I don’t know why there is a discrepancy…to craft a certain image for his followers and friends?…He seems to get more excited talking about the men he ‘idolises’…some Hollywood actors and their work and some artists (Warhol, Dali). He even mentioned to me once when working on being a judge for a modelling reality show, he found it boring looking at the female models and asked the producers if they could have male models instead. I was like….ok…why? He said he felt better relating to men, being a man himself. I don’t know…I will observe more… cause some statements he’s made actually are statements that I think a gay man would make! =/
This is the end of all my replies to your replies! Phew 🙂
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 19, 2015 at 10:55 am
Hi RB! I hope you aren’t passed out somewhere after seeing my lengthy replies. 😀 (jokes). Here is an interesting link on promiscuity/infidelity I’ve found. Apparently, the propensity towards these behaviours can be partially explained by genetics. And the connections with oxytocin and vasopressin – as you’ve mentioned before. Quite alot of it backs up the other research you’ve found and is another one to add to your list of references. Of course lots of people can’t stomach such a thing – just look at the retarded comments 🙂 Happy reading!
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/24/opinion/sunday/infidelity-lurks-in-your-genes.html
Evelyn
Tuesday, May 26, 2015 at 8:47 am
Hi Evelyn,
Thanks for all your replies, for sharing your point of view (I agree with almost all you’ve posted this month) and thanks also for the interesting NYT link!
Anyway yes I’m busy as usual, but I still read your interesting posts! 🙂
I’ll post in the “romantic phases” thread ASAP (and reply to your question); but for now, I’d like to post some comments below your latest post.
You’ve started a very interesting topic, the “infidelity gene” thread is now open! 🙂
About the “infidelity gene” research that you’ve quoted: I do not believe that the said research is very reliable as it is. You should read this “Scientific American” article:
(from “Cross-Check: critical views of science in the news”)
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/infidelity-gene-hyped-in-the-news/
(Continues… The “one post, one link” antispam rule sure is annoying!)
reality bites
Wednesday, May 27, 2015 at 4:24 pm
(The SA article also includes a link to Dr. Zietsch’s study).
I agree with the blogger John Horgan’s point of view:
“First, self-reports are notoriously unreliable, but that’s not the primary problem with the Zietsch study. The problem becomes apparent toward the end of the paper, when the authors acknowledge that their results “do not directly replicate previous results in humans.”
That’s an understatement.”
Well, I couldn’t have said it better. Those are my first two objections too. Well said, Mr. Horgan.
(Pay attention now, because my post gets lengthy but all that I say is far from irrelevant).
Next… Keep in mind that Zietsch’s study “used data on recent extrapair mating in
7,378 Finnish twins and their siblings” (actual words from the study). Yep, FINNISH twins.
Now… Let me introduce the “International Sexuality Description Project” – to paraphrase Marina Adshade, “a simple self-assessment test administered by a team of more than 100 scientists in 48 different countries.” (48 countries… not just Finland)
http://www.bigthink.com/dollars-and-sex/how-promiscuous-are-you-take-our-online-test
Yup… Finland is rated as THE MOST PROMISCUOUS COUNTRY (score: 50.5).
Not only that. As far as I remember, Finland is also in the top ten of countries with the highest divorce rates.
Aye, I would say that there is a “strong anti-monogamy bias” in Finland!
Now my (rhetoric) question (embedding three more objections of mine) is…
Would the results of a study linking genetics to unfaithfulness be heavily influenced by 1) a strong cultural anti-monogamy bias, 2) prior strong “oxytocin/vasopressin bonding damage” (ie. more promiscuity = less bonding ability) and 3) a high concentration of promiscuous/unfaithful individuals in a single country (Finland)? I would say YES.
I would also like to point out that: even if genetics DO play a role in sexual attraction, and COULD increase somebody’s impulse to be unfaithful… A human being with enough willpower CAN resist any sexual urge to be unfaithful. In my book, when voluntary behavior is involved in a realistic setting, willpower trumps genetics!
Anyway… Feel free to post your latest thoughts on the subject below if you want! 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, May 27, 2015 at 7:36 pm
Hey Ho!
Yeah well, I didn’t think it was reliable as well. But provided the link solely cause it was an interesting topic, which I believe has some scientific merit too (though probably not in this research). Also, I love reading the comments on articles like this and having a good laugh. Love seeing people get so defensive and upset over an objective scientific finding which basically paints them in a not so nice light. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.
And yes, I think the nordic countries have some of the highest divorce rates in the world. I do know its a cultural practice there to stay together before you are married (increased sexual accessibility) and for people to have kids out of wedlock. I see it in other countries in that region too, but the Northern countries take the cake. If anything, even if the research can’t be generalized to other populations in other countries, it serves to (somewhat) confirm the promiscuity levels in Finland. Especially when one triangulates such studies with other statistics/findings on their high divorce rates/inferred promiscuity etc.
I’m also actually rather interested as to how those two groups of animals have different brain chemistry for promiscuity.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Evelyn
Saturday, June 20, 2015 at 4:13 pm
Oh one more thing. I think there is a regression in society where people are starting to behave more like animals than the complex beings that we are. So whilst I think wllpower will trump genetics in shady situations (haha) for people like us, I’m quite skeptical about others.
Evelyn
Saturday, June 20, 2015 at 4:19 pm
Hi Evelyn, here are some quick thoughts… They won’t earn me the Nobel Prize for Literature haha, but they’re my thoughts nevertheless.
It’s good that your friend is seeing his “alternative lifestyle” friends less and less. It means that he respects you. But the “gay weed user” worries me the most (hopefully we’re talking about a guy who FELL into drugs at some point, and NOT about somebody who promotes their use directly or indirectly).
If I were your “actor friend”, I’d encourage the “gay weed user” to at least quit weed use, but if he refuses help I’d search for a better friend in a better environment. Hopefully, your “actor friend” will understand that only some people are good to keep as friends (and many are not).
Anyway: I’m happy that you liked my “mental images” about smoking! And that your friend is smoking far less. Hopefully he’ll quit someday.
QUOTE
his Instagram actions don’t seem to fit his real life personality and I don’t know why there is a discrepancy…to craft a certain image for his followers and friends?
/QUOTE
Maybe. Just make sure that you’re seeing a real person and not the image that he wants others to see. You’ll have to quietly look for any signs of discrepancies between words and behavior.
QUOTE
He said he felt better relating to men, being a man himself. I don’t know…I will observe more… cause some statements he’s made actually are statements that I think a gay man would make! =/
/QUOTE
Indeed, you should make sure that he is truly demisexual rather than gay… So, wait before getting too emotionally close to him yet. I guess that you should be watching him (both directly and through “friendly spies”) interact with both men and women, and also discreetly ask questions to people who have known him for years. I don’t recommend using technological means of surveillance, as their use is illegal in many cases and you’d run the risk of ruining a potential friendship.
At some point, you’ll have an idea of where he stands on the Kinsey Scale (either: exclusively heterosexual, exclusively homosexual, or somewhere in between):
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html
QUOTE
What are the recommended topics to talk about extensively? I know for me one of the main ones would be their thoughts on relationships/past relationships, views on sex (this should be saved for a little later right), their views on various things in life/society?
/QUOTE
As you’d expect: yes, you should not talk about “views on sex” too early. In fact, you shouldn’t be talking about that before the “mid/late Dating phase”; in other words, before doing that you must be certain that you’re not talking with an Undesirable person (psychopath, stalker, offender, etc.) Talking about sex to a sex maniac would be catastrophic! 😦
Talking about views on various things in life/society is almost always a safe topic, and very useful to understand what kind of person you’re talking to. Past relationships? You can both talk about that topic, but tread with care and be very wary if the other person immediately mentions the words “sex” or “intimacy”: in the former case you’re probably not talking to a virgin, in the latter case you’re probably talking to a “sweet talker”! In either case, beware.
QUOTE
I think a good strategy for dealing with people is to have two sides – behave a certain way to pander to the cattle/zombie masses and then reserve the real, good and intelligent side of yourself for the people who are truly worth it. (…) I think there is a regression in society where people are starting to behave more like animals than the complex beings that we are. So whilst I think wllpower will trump genetics in shady situations (haha) for people like us, I’m quite skeptical about others.
/QUOTE
I agree! Anyway, some thoughts about your father’s views… If you ask me, if he didn’t cause much grief to you, I’d have commended him for his views on zombies/people! Similar to my own views. As a matter of fact…
The REAL Zombie Apocalypse (mindless people) is here, and it has hardly been noticed!! Forget about fiction, this is it! The Walking Dead are the people who have two arms, two legs, a head but no ability to think on their own! And there are BILLIONS of them. What a horrific sight! They outnumber us Free Thinkers at least 100 to 1. Solutions… None that I know of. 😦 Hopefully we won’t be assimilated by The Horde anytime soon…
Anyway, hopefully we’ll talk some more about the decadent human race and its destiny.
That’s it for now… Sorry for posting so late. Hopefully I’ll resume writing on this blog soon! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, July 13, 2015 at 3:51 am
THE “GOOD COUNTRIES” THREAD <— yes, it's a thread title, lol; DIY rules
Hi Evelyn!
I examined many statistics, and although I accidentally erased my lengthy message (and its many links…) from my hard disk before I could post it, I can brief you on the main findings.
If you want to live in a country with:
– low abortion ratio
– low births-outside-wedlock
– low divorce:marriage ratio
– moderate population density (outside main cities)
– mild climate
– easy access to the seaside
– proximity to several European countries
– business-friendly environment
– no cash transaction limits
then you should immediately move to IRELAND!
The first three indicators somewhat reflect the morality of the country; the following two indicators pertain to its enjoyability; the next two remark its logistic advantages, and the last two evidence the freedom of its economy.
IMHO… Quick, move there before the Fourth Reich puts its ugly hands on it! 😦
Also feel free to discuss this or other "good countries" for living.
reality bites
Sunday, November 22, 2015 at 4:20 am
Take a look at this.
http://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/rankings_by_country.jsp?title=2016®ion=150
I hope that this will help you! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, March 21, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Crime map of Europe… A few surprises there! For instance, just look at Sweden… (We sort of agreed to disqualify Sweden some time ago anyway!)
http://www.numbeo.com/crime/rankings_by_country.jsp?title=2016®ion=150
(Please note, there are maps for other continents too).
reality bites
Monday, March 21, 2016 at 8:49 pm
So let me see…
Unfortunately I must “downgrade” Ireland because of its high crime rate! Who could have said that. Otherwise, it’s a decent country (see post above).
Albania… Uh, seems like a violent place. Italy… A fairly violent place too? Oh dear. Iceland… Low crime, but it’s VERY cold up there… Austria… Nice stuff to see but not the cheapest country to live in; a country rated 79 on Hofstede masculinity scale.
Croatia… Low crime rate, mild climate, low cost of living; though native men could be more assertive.
Slovakia has “very assertive” men (100 on Hofstede scale), low cost of living and a fairly low crime rate.
Feel free to post your findings below if you want! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, March 21, 2016 at 9:52 pm
Nice list the website has (below) and I’m quite happy to see Eastern European countries there! Seems like Eastern Europe may become one of the few places that are “safer” to live in compared to their Western European counterparts – what with the migrant crisis and all. I was eyeing Austria – but their SOL seems very high? I kinda disagree with Japan being the first though lol – their men are some of the most passive and misogynistic – I know strange dichotomy – in Asia; women have very little respect in their culture. And Sweden.. we long disqualified it for its uh… too liberal social policies 😀
Anyways! Italy seems to have awful employment issues from what I’ve heard. I’ve always really liked Ireland and have been eyeing them for awhile, but high crime rate? =( What kind of crime though, do you know? IRA-related maybe? Is Slovakia a good environment to live in though? Hungary? I’ve not been to these places. I was eyeing Czech Republic as well but seem like their men are pretty fem. Switzerland is great but seems like there are high taxes? I need to go and search up other countries in middle/eastern Europe.
From the crime rate list, cost of living and masculinity list – seems like Austria is a good country?! (Besides Slovakia). They aren’t English speaking though hmm. Wonder if I can get a job in my field there.
Evelyn
Saturday, March 26, 2016 at 7:56 pm
Argh, “Max one link per post” rule truly is irritating… We HAVE to find another discussion platform! 😦 Anyway…
English is spoken by 94% of Irish people, followed by Irish English (36%) (a language more similar to English compared to Slovak for sure!). So, if you don’t want to learn a new language from scratch, Ireland is the way to go.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Languages_of_Ireland
One could move to Ulster (Northern Ireland) and find people who speak English better, but that is in the UK and therefore subject to UK law as well as to a diverse range of different problems…
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 3:14 pm
Indeed, Ireland’s worst problem is crime. Read here:
http://www.movetoireland.com/movepag/misccrim.htm
“the vast majority of these assaults are, as they say here, ‘drink related'”
Hint: stay away from main cities, from pubs and from discos; if you do that, you should be alright.
Take note of Ireland’s “safest spots in the nation” mentioned in the article.
Talking of “safer”… Ireland seems to be one of the “better than average” places in case of nuclear war.
P.S: I’ve just noticed, my advice “stay away from main cities” is the same given by so-called “zombie apocalypse experts” hahaha. 😀 Hopefully, mad scientists haven’t played too much with synthetic viruses since 2002… The last thing we need is drunken zombies groaning in Irish! 😀
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 4:29 pm
By the way, as you know, Statistics are a strange beast and while the crime rates in Ireland are high overall, some areas are safer than others. With some careful research, you can identify the “less dangerous” areas. (And that is a good idea even when researching other countries – to study its regions/provinces/counties carefully; it will be time well spent).
Crime *by county* in Ireland:
http://www.irishexaminer.com/crime/crimebycounty/
You want to especially avoid VIOLENT crimes directly aimed at PEOPLE (ie. assault, robbery, the like and worse); whereas things such as fraud and deception, while despicable, do not usually put your life in danger (unless there is an escalation).
Anyway, yes, there is no “beating around the bush”: Ireland is NOT the safest European country. If you do decide to move there anyway, attracted by the country’s many advantages, do make sure that you’re in one of the safest areas, and preferably not too far from a police station (and away from pubs and discos, as I’ve said earlier).
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 6:23 pm
I do not know how many people with a Psychology degree are needed in Ireland.
If you want a high income, you must offer services that are in high demand. Perhaps your best employment opportunities may be in the Marketing department, since Ireland is a business-oriented country (and de-facto tax-haven) and there should always be the need for good marketing/psychological research and advice.
You could also try the academic research path in Ireland’s universities, and perhaps be a professor/teacher when you’re not researching new theories or disproving old ones. This path is safer, perhaps more satisfying but will probably yield a lower income.
Maybe there is also need for a marriage counselor, since Ireland is a country with few divorces but many marital problems (who said drinking?). But then your income would directly depend on how successful you are in helping people and how many clients you have. This job, however, would leave you exhausted and may endanger your self-esteem whenever you don’t manage to help your clients. 😦
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 7:03 pm
Gosh drink-related sounds like the UK! And I know how that looks like- not pretty =/ people bar-hopping and getting drunk out of their minds, puking all over the place in public and being a general nuisance. Ew. I WILL stay away from main cities if I ever move there – never found cities attractive anyway. And will stay away from places associated with violent crime.
I don’t mind doing something related to marketing-research! Makes use of both psychology and marketing. Haha. I prefer to stay as far away as possible from work that requires coming into contact with too many external clients. I don’t find them rewarding. And these clients tend to come in many nasty forms. And counselling – whilst I consider it to be a noble job, I could never do =/ as you said, the failure rate would get to me and I don’t handle other people’s emotions too well especially when it’s intense and goes on for a long period of time. Academic sounds pretty good but I’m still thinking twice about taking on further studies. Something that I need to research more again – I’m not sure about Ireland yet but I do know that the UK pays researchers significantly higher than what we get here.
Evelyn
Sunday, April 3, 2016 at 8:58 pm
QUOTE
Is Slovakia a good environment to live in though? Hungary? I’ve not been to these places. I was eyeing Czech Republic as well but seem like their men are pretty fem. Switzerland is great but seems like there are high taxes?
…
seems like Austria is a good country?! (Besides Slovakia). They aren’t English speaking though hmm. Wonder if I can get a job in my field there.
/QUOTE
Austria… Good country. But cost of living is high; and the languages are difficult:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Languages_of_Austria
Switzerland… Nice stuff to see, but that’s about it; and it’s even more costly (high taxes + high prices!). And if “basic income” becomes a reality there (hint: probably this year!), Communism (no matter how named) will have officially taken over the country, and you’d better take your money elsewhere because taxes will become EVEN higher than they are now! So long Switz, we’ll miss you! 😦
Hungary, Slovakia, even Czech Republic… Nice countries, though a good job is not guaranteed. If you had multiple streams of income in “valuable currencies” via the Internet or telework, then you could live very well and without worries in such countries. Teleworking there for a medium-sized marketing research company may be a good idea (you know, new markets to discover/conquer and things like those). Maybe complementing your income(s) by creating your own personal/business web site wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
reality bites
Saturday, April 23, 2016 at 3:56 am
Hmm Austria high cost of living? Have to strike it out then. I live in an expensive-enough country as it is. Switzerland, always knew of their high taxes/costs of ilving, never knew about the basic income issue (!). It’s too small a country anyway, and I dont like small countries haha.
Hmm the other Eastern European countries don’t sound like good places to work in. I still like countries that have a relatively high level of appreciation for intellectual discourse and culture. I’ve noticed that with respect to the industry I am in, lots of countries are still lagging far behind, especially with regards to the intellectual stuff. I have my eye on Western Europe still (UK, Ireland, germany); but would need to keep an eye on the political situation. Also, I have an impression (from those that I’ve met anyway) that Eastern Europeans tend to be coarser/more brash/pretty aggressive in their ways. I tend to not really like living in cultures like that to be honest. =/ I prefer a more refined, polite culture (ie: Japan). I’m not sure what is the European equivalent to this.
Evelyn
Saturday, April 30, 2016 at 5:14 pm
There’s another worry I have at the back of my mind actually, in terms of moving overseas to work (even if for a couple of months). I’m an only child and my parents are quite elderly (in their early to mid 60s). This place doesn’t protect the elderly and lots of them have to work very low-paying jobs, as cleaners etc until they are really old. My parents thankfully have ok jobs in the office but once you hit like 60, organisations start to get rid of you and when you are 65, you kind of “have to” stop working as that is the retirement age. But, things are wayyyyyy too expensive here to even stop working. There is also no place to retire to as the country is too built up and small.
Anyway, I can go on writing an essay but long story short, I’m worried about my not-so-young parents being left alone at home. Just general worries about health and their expenses etc. My mum also seems reluctant to let me venture overseas. Though I’m gonna just tell her that will end up making me very unhappy. I feel abit mean saying this but I feel burdened by them. And that frustrates me, don’t know how to work something out.
Evelyn
Monday, May 2, 2016 at 8:29 am
Hi Evelyn… You’ve correctly identified “them”. Please, allow me to tell you something.
Before visiting websites talking about “sensible topics”, including THAT one, I emphatically urge you to upgrade your privacy policies. Like, right now. In today’s world, reading about certain topics is considered… undesirable (and I wish I was kidding). So, I’ll post some privacy tips below.
reality bites
Saturday, December 5, 2015 at 2:10 am
THE PRIVACY/SECURITY THREAD
Firstly, use a different OS (operating system), especially for surfing. Keeping your privacy and anonymity while using Windows is so much harder compared to other solutions.
Linux is your best friend. For a start, I suggest “Lubuntu” Linux. “Burn” this ISO image onto a blank DVD:
http://cdimage.ubuntu.com/lubuntu/releases/15.10/release/lubuntu-15.10-desktop-amd64.iso
IF your PC hasn’t got a 64-bit processor (most have nowadays), you can download Lubuntu 32-bit version instead. (Link deactivated due to blog limitations)
cdimage dot ubuntu dot com/lubuntu/releases/15.10/release/lubuntu-15.10-desktop-i386.iso
Boot from your Lubuntu DVD (you may have to modify your BIOS settings first). Now you have a powerful, fairly safe OS at your disposal every time that you boot from the said DVD. When you shut down your PC and remove your Lubuntu DVD, you’ll still be able to boot from your old Windows OS that is still on your hard drive. The two operating systems are independent from each other! Remember though, that if you’re running the Lubuntu DVD, once you shut down your PC you’ll also lose any document that you haven’t saved on permanent storage (eg. on a hard disk or pendrive). We could say that a “live DVD” is, as they say, “amnesiac” (which is good for privacy); all data stored in RAM will be gone at shutdown!
In the future, you can also use the said DVD to permanently install Lubuntu onto the fastest possible 16GB+ pendrive (speed is crucial, but size is important too); by doing so, you’ll be able to personalize the OS and do a lot more. Just boot from your Lubuntu pendrive, do your stuff, shut down your PC and afterwards you can simply remove your pendrive from the USB port! In fact, you can take your pendrive/OS with you and use it onto another PC (as long as the PC owner agrees, and it has a free USB port, and the BIOS allows booting from that). Think of the possibilities! You can now turn (almost) any notebook or desktop PC into your private computer, for as long as needed, then leave the computer/hardware itself intact, leaving no traces of your passage. Isn’t that freedom?
There are even operating systems (OS) far safer and more privacy-oriented than Lubuntu Linux, but simply GOOGLING about them is considered undesirable. Anyway… More privacy tips to come…
reality bites
Saturday, December 5, 2015 at 3:01 am
I almost forgot… You can safely select “Try Lubuntu without installing” because that way, the OS runs only from the DVD. This is the safest way to enjoy Lubuntu.
DO NOT install Lubuntu without qualified help, because if you make a mistake you’ll accidentally wipe your hard disk and all data that you haven’t backed up (warning: do a complete backup first!). Remember that the idea is installing Lubuntu on an empty pendrive, not to wipe your hard disk. 🙂 So, exercise extreme caution and avoid mistakes.
Now, let’s move on to more advanced privacy tips…
reality bites
Saturday, December 5, 2015 at 3:29 am
The following tips, although meant for Lubuntu Pendrive, can be implemented also under Windows (though not as effectively). (Alas, on the Live DVD the benefits would last only until you shut down the PC). Ok, the intro’s over; let’s get going.
Make sure that you’ve got the Mozilla Firefox browser installed; from it, set https://www.startpage.com as your home page and install the extensions “NoScript”, “Objection”, “Ghostery” and ESPECIALLY “HTTPS Everywhere”. Once all this has been done, restart your browser just once, and your web surfing has become much safer! But it can get better, if you learn to use WEB PROXIES (many exist today).
From Firefox, visit: https colon doubleslash snoopblocker dot com; bookmark it, it’s a good, free (though sometimes VERY busy) web proxy; you can (configure it and) use it for safely visiting, non-mainstream web sites. You can “concatenate” several web proxies together for added security (at the cost of speed and site usability); just make sure that at least your first web proxy (the one between you and your ISP) is a HTTPS web proxy, and to set it as “Untrusted” web site with NoScript. Please use responsibly: if you reload a web page or google too many times per hour, the site may mistake this for a hacker attack and ban the last proxy in your proxy chain, or even require a “Captcha” test that can’t be passed without giving up anonymity.
If you implement all these tips, your web surfing will be much more private/safe. Know, though, that your privacy is not absolute unless and until you compound many other privacy techniques. By the way, for now do NOT read/search about the privacy tool the name of which reminds you of the Viking God of thunder; that is advanced (and closely watched) stuff.
That’s it for now… Hopefully my humble “privacy crash course” will be useful to you. By all means, keep learning from interesting websites… But do so safely. 🙂 As usual, I’m at your disposal if you want to learn what I know about privacy/security do’s and don’ts; I may be young, but I humbly believe to be fairly knowledgeable. 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, December 5, 2015 at 4:10 am
QUOTE
your first web proxy (the one between you and your ISP)
/QUOTE
Gah… Edit: your ISP (Internet Service Provider) is necessarily between your PC and the proxy! But once all your Internet traffic is HTTPS-encrypted, your ISP won’t be able to “see” what you’re reading/sending.
Note to self… Sleep more before posting. Haha
reality bites
Saturday, December 5, 2015 at 5:08 pm
Oops I realised I completely missed the security thread!! I will read up on this once I can break free from life – ugh. Am quite snowed under atm. But I will def read up on this and follow the instructions. Better safe than sorry in today’s world!
Evelyn
Saturday, March 26, 2016 at 7:55 pm
Hello Evelyn! I hope that you are well… and that you still read this blog, even though my messages can sometimes sound strange or mysterious! 🙂
Anyway… A year has come and gone… How time flies.
Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! 🙂
reality bites
Friday, December 25, 2015 at 7:54 pm
Hello RB! Yes I still read this site! I’ve seen your previous msgs and I’d reply them soon.
A Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you too! Another year has flown by 😀
Evelyn
Friday, December 25, 2015 at 9:20 pm
Hello, Evelyn! Before I post something about martial arts again (as promised):
I’ll return “in-topic” on this blog for a tiny little bit. 🙂
This is a study that you may find interesting:
http://fusion.net/story/213407/how-much-to-spend-on-an-engagement-ring/
Here’s what I think about the link between the engagement ring and the risk of divorce. It is not the ring that is important; rather, the personalities of the two people involved are the important factor! The ring is only a token of things past, present and future!
If the ring is too cheap, IMHO either the man doesn’t love the woman enough (male perception); or she’ll feel undervalued (female perception); or she won’t feel attraction for long (since the ancestral, genetic duty of a man is to provide for his family) (genetic programming); or anyway underlying money worries may eventually bring the marriage to an end (economic explanation). Or any/all of the above.
If the ring is too costly, IMHO the man may be targeted by a “gold digger” (let me call this the “wrong passenger theory”); or he holds the wrong belief that throwing more money at her is the right way to fix a marriage that doesn’t work (eg. lack of attraction, etc.) (materialistic view); or the abundance of money may cause the couple to argue much more (let me call this the “abundant money paradox”); or the woman may accept the ring out of guilt and regret later (what I may call the “yes-means-no” theory). Or any/all of the above.
Anyway, these are my humble thoughts… Feel free to share yours; but don’t feel obliged to, I bet you’re just as busy as me (if not more!) 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, February 18, 2016 at 4:15 am
Hello RB! Sorry i’ve been really busy.
I read the study – oh dear, high in wedding attendance! I don’t think I’d have many at my wedding lol. I prefer not to invite people I am not close to.
Differences in age – I used to think big age gaps of >5 years were alright, now I don’t think so, so I tend to agree. Differences in educational level – hmm, I think it’s more the background factors (family, culture, opportunities etc) that leads to the differences in educational level that causes the rift; not so much the educational level in itself.
Looks – omg why do people think their partners will look the exact same way their entire lives?! Basing such a huge decision on something so superficial will def lead to divorce! I know a few couples like this actually.
And the ring – I generally think the bigger the ring, the more superficial the marriage is. Or rather, one-half of the couple (or both) are more interested in how others outside the marriage view the ring (and the marriage). It’s all about external validation, boasting etc. But it’s interesting isn’t it – how the couple decides on the size, and how they go about it reveals the power dynamics in the relationship. I personally want a small one that isn’t super conspicuous when I wear it out.
I’ve also got another question to ask you, RB! If you can’t find suitable dating/marriage partners in real-life, around you – what are you supposed to do? I’m approaching 30 in a few years and I haven’t met a single guy here in this country that I want to spend my life with. I also never date. There is no dating culture here. Everything is transactional and people are pretty flaky and don’t follow up on interactions. Also, the men here are really physically unattractive and the way they emphasis work, money and leading boring lives with no growth really turns me off. The few men I’ve been drawn to are usually the Europeans that are living here. Those that I know do treat women well and are very interesting people. Some of my friends my age have the same problems. We all find that the men here have very ambiguous ways of showing their interest (if they ever do).
I’m starting to feel the urge to want someone good to spend the rest of my life with, but am running out of options. I also find that going out to events and getting to know people to be pretty much a waste of time; since you never really know who you will meet there and more than not, never really click.
I’m still doing my research on which countries to move to so i will post that here soon!
Evelyn
Monday, March 14, 2016 at 7:58 am
Hello Evelyn, no worries; nice to hear from you! 🙂
You can be lucky and find a “good enough husband” anywhere, but you have the best chances of success in countries where men aren’t scientifically trained to be girls. And it is clear by now that unfortunately, you live in a country that doesn’t teach men to be men.
Fact is, women are biologically programmed to feel attraction for men who take the lead; for a woman, it is very hard to feel attraction for a male who needs a babysitter and cries at the least opportunity. You want to be a wife to the right man, not a “second mother” to a failed male experiment.
Also: women are biologically programmed to feel attraction for men with a fit physique. Beer bellies are so “ugh”. Besides… If a man can’t love himself enough to take care of his own body… He very likely doesn’t have enough love left for you.
You don’t have to move to a country where males are are taught to be “machos”; but you should find a man who WAS “born and raised” in a country with a far stronger “male culture” (than where you live now). Do bookmark this list of countries:
http://www.clearlycultural.com/geert-hofstede-cultural-dimensions/masculinity/
“The assertive pole has been called ‘masculine’ and the modest, caring pole ‘feminine’”, I very much like this dichotomy (assertive pole vs caring pole)! We should take careful note of it. Also, note down this expression: “Hofstede Scale” of masculinity.
reality bites
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 3:03 pm
Do explore this website, especially the “Compare Countries” feature! You will love this one!
http://geert-hofstede.com/countries.html
A woman should probably search for a husband “born and raised” in a country with a high enough (>65) “Hofstede Scale” level of masculinity. Example:
Slovakia 100, Hungary 88, Albania 80, Italy 70, Switzerland 70, Ireland 68, Germany 66
IMHO, add some points to your “candidate husband” if he has one or both parents from “highly masculine” countries; subtract them if he hasn’t got parents from such lucky countries.
As for LIVING in such countries… Not every country is a desirable place to live in; for instance, Italy is a NEAR BANKRUPT country with a very high taxation level. Whereas, Slovakia has low taxes and a relatively low cost of living.
Also… Make sure that your potential husband wants to LEAD you in life (and has above-average leadership skill!), but clearly understands from the beginning that you are NOT an item to be possessed! Refuse to be treated like an object. You are not a property. 🙂 You need a good man who leads you by (shining) example; a trusty leader, not a “property manager”!
reality bites
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 3:05 pm
But yes, even when you move to a better country, you MIGHT not find a “good enough” soul mate (though very difficult IMHO). What then?
In that case, you should lead an asexual life where you do your best to shield yourself from all references to sex, both overt and covert, and find chaste/virtuous ways to keep your sex drive low as well as lots of nonsexual things to do to keep you busy and happy. Having good female friends, gardening and having a loyal pet can help you greatly. And the most advanced AI avatars can provide some form of intellectual companionship.
One can have a happy, fulfilling life even without sex; although, because sex-within-marriage is such a wonderful thing, an asexual life should be only a “backup solution” and you should make finding a “good enough husband” (ie. Mr. Good Enough) one of your top priorities.
Absolutely refuse to have sex outside marriage. Sex alone can’t make people happy, and in fact can bind together two people who absolutely never were meant to be husband and wife. In other words, it can make you “marry” (formally or not) the wrong person, which is much worse than not being married at all!
And few things are worse than marrying the wrong person.
So, I strongly recommend that you remain virgin until marriage, no matter what.
reality bites
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 3:10 pm
Hello!!
“Scientifically trained to be girls” – LOL yes this describes a lot of men in my country to a T. Which is why I don’t feel attracted to a lot of them. I’ve noticed that looks don’t really matter to me (fitness/keeping fit does as far as physical stuff goes), but it’s the personality and how “manly” they are. Worse still, women here aren’t just mothers to the men, sometimes they have to double up and be the man themselves. It’s lame. And agreed – physical fitness is a must. I don’t really like gym freaks but it’s way better than people who don’t exercise at all and who are skinny-fat. Lots of fat ard the stomach and skinny arms are pretty unattractive to me. Men who aren’t physically active give me the feel that they are kinda lazy and don’t like moving ard, they also give me the vibes that they aren’t very energetic about anything in life. Can you imagine exploring a foreign country with men like that? I think they very much prefer to eat, shop and stay in the hotel! In other words, boring.
I do think I’m an asexual, as I identify very strongly with demisexual on that continuum. And sex doesn’t really interest me (perhaps with the right guy – but he hasn’t appeared). I could die tomorrow still a virgin and I would be extremely content. I do stay away from TV, fashion magazines, most social media and online forums where all these sexual stuff are. My friends are mostly kind of asexual too haha. So no problems remaining a virgin.
I do want to find a life companion though and it’s getting increasingly important to me as I get older. It’s very common here to not meet anyone whilst you are working. Most of my friends are either married (to ppl they started dating a very long time ago) or single and unattached. I wonder – if it’s hard to meet guys in person, do you recommend going online?
Evelyn
Saturday, March 26, 2016 at 7:57 pm
Hi Evelyn,
Sure, I recommend creating online profiles on reputable dating websites. Some studies speak in
favor of online dating (more efficient etc.), other studies not so much.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/01/online-dating-marriages_n_5909212.html
“it’s quite possible that the practice can lead to more breakups and fewer marriages (…) all of those options online daters have may cause them to take their time before entering into a permanent, monogamous relationship” – if you ask me, this sounds good!
Carefully set your goals and think what to publish and what not to publish on your online profile(s). Above all, be careful.
Whenever possible, perhaps you should omit your country of origin and generically say “Asia”, at least at first, because you want to avoid “citizenship diggers” (people who marry somebody for the citizenship).
Anyway, hopefully I’ll post more on the subject in the future. There are only 24 yours in a day. 😦
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 4:57 pm
Argh… DIY edit: 24 yours => 24 HOURS. 😦
Small off-topic to make this post count… Congratulations on the decision to upgrade your own security/privacy; I’ll do my best to post information useful to you. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 5:00 pm
I will try to search up some proper online dating sites in the next few weeks! Will take your advice on not indicating country – that’s so true, thanks!
I think research or even personal experiences tell me that the results are kind of mixed. I’ve heard of really bad experiences (which seem to be more common) and some good ones here and there that have lasted til marriage and beyond. No harm trying first I guess!
And thanks for the security tips!!
Evelyn
Sunday, April 3, 2016 at 8:47 pm
But yes, even when you move to a better country, you MIGHT not find a “good enough” soul mate (though very difficult IMHO). What then?
In that case, you should lead an asexual life where you do your best to shield yourself from all references to sex, both overt and covert, and find chaste/virtuous ways to keep your sex drive low as well as lots of nonsexual things to do to keep you busy and happy. Having good female friends, gardening and having a loyal pet can help you greatly. And the most advanced AI avatars can provide some form of intellectual companionship.
One can have a happy, fulfilling life even without sex; although, because sex-within-marriage is such a wonderful thing, an asexual life should be only a “backup solution” and you should make finding a “good enough husband” (ie. Mr. Good Enough) one of your top priorities.
Absolutely refuse to have sex outside marriage. Sex alone can’t make people happy, and in fact can bind together two people who absolutely never were meant to be husband and wife. In other words, it can make you “marry” (formally or not) the wrong person, which is much worse than not being married at all!
And few things are worse than marrying the wrong person.
So, I strongly recommend that you remain virgin until marriage, no matter what.
reality bites
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 3:09 pm
oops double post 😦 somebody give me a delete button… 😦
reality bites
Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 3:12 pm
Hi Evelyn, as usual I agree with most of what you’ve said; I’ll reply to you ASAP! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 6:50 am
THE JOKES THREAD
“Overcrowded housing may have a negative impact on physical and mental health, relations with others and children’s development.”
– OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development)
“I think they are going to outlaw Hong Kong.”
– RB (Reality Bites)
reality bites
Monday, March 28, 2016 at 5:34 pm
They would outlaw the place I’m in too 😉 Overcrowded housing/small houses indeed have lots of mental impact. I do constantly feel like there is a general lack of space living in this country, as it’s too overcrowded. People are literally always in your face, be it at home or outside (it’s worse outside). The lack of personal space, I’m pretty sure, contributes to a decline in mental health over time.
Evelyn
Sunday, April 3, 2016 at 8:01 pm
Here’s a funny meme.
https://www.memecenter.com/fun/6851643/when-realization-hits-you
reality bites
Sunday, September 11, 2016 at 3:14 pm
Brilliant! 😀
http://lolsnaps.com/funny/42746/girls-are-evil
reality bites
Wednesday, September 21, 2016 at 8:11 pm
http://evoke.ie/life-style/why-sex-wont-trigger-a-heart-attack-unless-you-are-cheating
“Sex does not increase your risk of heart attack UNLESS, you are cheating on your wife.”
So… A man should definitely stay faithful to his own wife. 😉
reality bites
Wednesday, March 30, 2016 at 5:08 am
Right on! 😉
Evelyn
Sunday, April 3, 2016 at 8:04 pm
RB, There’s this thing about “comfort” in a relationship that I was pondering. I was reading through our old posts and noticed that you mentioned it too (this is a VERY long ago post!): “Would you date a guy who yields to peer pressure, or terminates a relationship because of life worries, or maybe made his woman uncomfortable in some way? (The woman later did marry another guy, who probably made her more comfortable that his former boyfriend!)”
I was reflecting a little on relationships recently and I notice that whenever I am asked about what kind of guy i like/or I happen to think about it, the word “comfort” is one of the first words that always pops into my head. I’ve also noticed that alot of men make me quite uncomfortable, I can never trully relax around them. Whether it’s just in my head/me over-analysing or the fact that I’m asexual makes me feel this way – I don’t know. But I can never trully be myself around alot of men. And some of these men I’ve been attracted to but nothing ever progresses for whatever reason. I also wonder if I’d be as attracted to them as I was if I had known them better (I think not). Men that I tend to be very comfortable around tend to be very open, in the sense that I dont have to censor alot of what I say and they don’t run away/feel uncomfortable by it. I also notice that they tend to be the types that are quite warm (esp once you get to know them) and easy to get along with.
I might sound very superficial here, but I noticed that a guy’s job/career also tends to matter. And the motivations for why he chooses such a job. Like i tend to be very attracted to the thinker types: researchers, psychologists, writers or very unique jobs that most people won’t go into: working in a trade union, non-profit, social worker, athlete. I actually feel very unattracted to or even threatened by people in some professions! Ie: Entertainment industry people, bankers, salespeople, marketing people, consultants etc. I always found it interesting. And now that I’m older and have alot more self-confidence, I find that it’s not that i feel intimidated by them, but that I just don’t like the vibe alot of these people in these roles give me. Just a thought.
And I was also thinking of asking you, have you ever dealt with episodes of panic attacks/anxiety resulting from negative thoughts? What do you tend to do to get yourself out of the blackhole of negative thinking? Cause it just sucks you in doesn’t it
Evelyn
Monday, April 4, 2016 at 9:31 am
Hey Evelyn,
It is good that you’ve analyzed all these things, now your know yourself better and will be more able to find the right man for you!
And yes, of course comfort is a fundamental part of the equation. In fact, now that you mention it, I believe that there can be no attraction without comfort. It actually seems a prerequisite for attraction.
There are various categories of men that can make you uncomfortable.
Men whose every action is aimed at getting into your pants are by far the worst. How could you possibly feel SAFE, let alone comfortable, around one of these guys, thinking that their goal is to violate your body’s sacred boundaries?
Then there are the “goofy pretenders”, that would like a relationship but make you feel upset because they act clumsy and awkward and certainly don’t act like Alphas.
Many other categories of men can make you feel uncomfortable… But it all boils down to their: 1) lack of respect, and 2) insecurity problems.
In other words, a man who doesn’t believe in himself or doesn’t respect you, absolutely cannot make you feel comfortable and therefore will never be able to get into a relationship with you.
A man who makes a woman feel secure and protected will be in a much better position compared to the others who don’t.
In Nature, it is the woman who chooses her own companion… And a man who wants to “get chosen” must find a way to banish all insecurities (both his and hers) and not invade her personal space. When the time comes, if he is the right man… SHE will invite him into her personal space. It is an invitation-only space. He can only, gently make her WANT to spend time with him. 🙂
reality bites
Tuesday, April 5, 2016 at 4:13 pm
I’ve just found this article:
http://etiquette.about.com/od/Manners/a/Etiquette-Rules-What-Is-Personal-Space.htm
Personal space is defined as “the air between your body and an invisible shield, or bubble, you have formed around yourself for any relationship” – this is what I meant earlier.
The article’s General Rule #4 is ignored by clueless people who lack respect for you:
“When someone leans away from you, you are probably in that person’s space that makes him or her uncomfortable”. More succintly:
Invading personal space makes a (wo)man uncomfortable.
So: dear clueless strangers AND new acquaintances of the world, do not stand in our faces! Haha. (Well, unless “the room is crowded” as Rule #5 adds – but don’t stare at us in any case!).
Now, for the scientific side of this…
PROXEMICS is an interesting science – defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:
“The study of the nature, degree, and effect of the spatial separation individuals naturally maintain (as in various social and interpersonal situations) and of how this separation relates to environmental and cultural factors”
Wikipedia states:
“Proxemics is the study of human spatial requirements and the effects that population density has on behavior, communication, and social interaction” – population density is an important expression here.
Feel free to read more about this particular topic. 🙂
reality bites
Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 5:08 am
EW. The number one turn-off for me in terms of comfort is when men are too sexual/touchy, or when they come on too strong – invading your personal space, being aggressive and acting like they “own” you when you barely know each other/barely started dating. I absolutely hate it when people (men) disrespect my physical and emotional boundaries. It just shows he has no respect for me and doesn’t understand what boundaries are (and probably doesn’t have any of his own). I used to go out with someone like that and it was SOO uncomfortable. The attraction I had for him deteriorated rapidly and I got literally disgusted whenever he tried to have physical contact. Totally agree that personal space is an invitation-only space!!
Goofy pretenders yes! The passive beta-men. Or like you say the ones engineered to behave like women lol. Also probably related to these are the men who are easily intimidated by a woman’s personality. Some of my friends and I have had experiences meeting men who are intimidated/turned off by the fact that we discuss opinions/topics we encounter, we are willing to get into constructive “arguments” with people, we crack jokes and that we happen to have a semblance of personality. I’ve actually met people who were “intimidated” by my unsmiling face over the years… gosh. And a friend and I once attended a house party where my friend happened to be expressing her views about the arts scene, only to have a guy ask her “do you always speak so much??” It’s so weird, the men here. ><
Secure and protected are key! Maybe that’s why I like gentlemanly men? Hold the doors, carry things for you when they know you are struggling, give way to you etc. Cause it feels like they can take care of and look after me well.
I used to think I was expecting a lot from a man, but now I really don’t think my wants are extraordinary. In fact they are very evolutionary-type of wants! A woman always will want a man that can look after her and make her feel safe. I’ve yet to meet any of these in my environment.
———————————————————-
Proxemics sounds like an interesting topic! Will check it out one of these days. Population density and its effects…very interesting. My country is very dense in terms of population and for someone that dislikes people coming too close to me, it’s quite irksome. I tend to take the bus to get around whenever I can (less personal space invasion) and I dislike the trains during peak hours (yucks). Of course if I were wealthier, cars/cabs would be my constant go-to option.
Evelyn
Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 12:39 pm
QUOTE
have you ever dealt with episodes of panic attacks/anxiety resulting from negative thoughts? What do you tend to do to get yourself out of the blackhole of negative thinking? Cause it just sucks you in doesn’t it
/QUOTE
Another very complex topic! 🙂 Let me see if I can write at least something useful about it. There are so many varieties of anxiety that not even a bulky psychology tome can list all the answers!
I’ve felt anxious from time to time, which is normal because so far I’ve lived my life in RATHER hostile environments. I know some RATHER bad people in my life, some of whom I cannot – to this day – avoid to deal with. In my life, I have been: threatened, hit, stalked, deceived, slandered (a lot!) and things like these. So, I know what’s like to be anxious.
How do I get out of the “anxiety spiral”? Mostly through the use of Logic. Read on…
As you read on, keep in mind that there are EXTERNAL causes of anxiety (external events) and INTERNAL causes of anxiety (ie. your reactions and thoughts).
The truth is unavoidable: in my eyes, PEOPLE are the major source of problems, and therefore the main source of anxiety. Not in the “social anxiety” sense; simply, they cause problems that I have to deal with, the solution of which will require time/money/effort etc. to be solved! Obviously, being overwhelmed by problems can naturally trigger feelings of anxiety.
Bad people are often the primary EXTERNAL cause of anxiety. And since it is vital to clearly identify threats to your well-being… At a certain point, many years ago, I stopped reasoning in terms of “family”, “friends”, “acquaintances”… And I started classifying people as: “good people”, “mediocre people” and “bad people”. (Eg. a relative who often treats you badly is not a good person).
Not only is this self-empowering (nobody can prevent you from secretly assigning ratings/scores to certain people according to how they treated you over the years), but it also helps you view the situation correctly and to know how you should treat somebody.
The #1 key to getting rid of anxiety/panic attacks is this: put as much distance as possible between you and bad people. Meaning, stay away from them AND keep them away from you, as much as possible. You can’t foresee/control earthquakes and tornadoes, but you usually CAN exclude at least some bad people from your life.
“Deliver me from my friends: I will defend myself from my enemies.”
– Voltaire (1694-1778), French philosopher
Once that’s been done, to further solve our anxiety problems we must repeat to ourselves that: often, there is little wrong with us, and a LOT wrong with the people that are around us. (Remember that, when you feel down/anxious). That often, the real problem is OUTSIDE of us.
I can’t promise you that I’ll continue this thread, because Anxiety is an immense topic and a lot of time is required to analyze it correctly. So many varieties of anxiety exist, and each must be fought in a specific way. This post is only meant as a “primer”.
reality bites
Friday, April 22, 2016 at 3:28 pm
No issues about not continuing this thread, it is a very complex topic.
“ PEOPLE are the major source of problems, and therefore the main source of anxiety.” – TOTALLY Agree. Which is why I stay away from any job that requires providing a service to people, or requires extended amounts of contact with people. (customer service, sales, any sort of “service” job as well as consulting etc – though I’m in a similar type of industry). I find people to be a huge pain in the ass most of the time and use their power/money etc to make others’ lives a total living hell; no special reason other than just cause they can.
Also, your point about people in your inner circle who are just toxic. I’ve made it a choice to get rid of friends who are doing nothing much but contributing stress to your life. The most recent one, someone who constantly does nothing but talk negatively about herself and who consistently started conflict for very small reasons. I think she got a kick out of doing that to be honest.
Personaly, I have quite a bit of trouble with my inner thought patterns and perspectives, which tend to be negative. I also tend to “think myself into a hole”, constantly ruminating on the negative side of things. And these thoughts aren’t reflections of reality – just my perspective on it. Whenever I speak to others, they don’t see it the same way. I also tend to take a very catastrophic view of things and since I always question whatever I see at face-value, I over-analyse things a lot which leads to a spiral of negative thoughts thing. Another issue I have is that I have a lot of boundaries/principles about a lot of things, and when someone crosses that line I start feeling very frustrated.
Evelyn
Saturday, April 30, 2016 at 5:32 pm
Little-known facts…
* 60% of people lie every 10 minutes… (I’m afraid that’s true AND quite sad)
* In 2011, 33% of U.S. divorce filings contained the word “Facebook” (I’m not surprised)
(But the saddest fact mentioned in the movie is by far that 150-200 species become extinct every day)
Bittersweet fact… Feeling and recognizing negative emotions are integral parts of a person’s mental well-being… Meaning, even though sadness is not a nice thing, if we can feel it then our mind is in good health. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, April 8, 2016 at 3:48 am
Before I post some more, here’s my comment to recent news.
Reliable study? Or another case of “correlation does not mean causation”? Or something else?
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/apr/18/genes-influence-the-age-at-which-you-lose-your-virginity-first-sex-dna
“Risk-taking” genes (impulsivity genes really) may influence our behavior to a certain extent, but I believe that most behavior can be controlled by the individual. Self-control is the name of the game. I don’t think that we’re powerless puppets; not at all. Almost everyone could stay a virgin until marriage, if they wanted to. Not easy, but not impossible either.
reality bites
Wednesday, April 20, 2016 at 10:11 pm
About sad facts, I think the saddest thing is alot of animal species are going extinct and lots of our natural environment is slowly getting destroyed by humans. I have to say that i care more for the environment/animals than i do humans ~
I think most behaviour can be controlled as well – but most people just don’t have the ability to exercise self-control.
Evelyn
Saturday, April 30, 2016 at 5:06 pm
I actually have another question, haha. Is there any way of getting to know new people online? I’ve tried language exchange as I’m learning a new language now and it’s a great way to know people. But of course it doesn’t happen very often and you need time to weed out the good ones vs not so good. Cause, I find it very hard getting to know people here. People here are very unsociable and just stick to their usual social groups – university, work etc – with very little desire to expand them. I find that whenever a friend introduces me to another of their friends’ (whom I don’t know), and we’ve met a couple of times, the desire to get to know you is very low. They don’t try to get in touch, get your number, interact; nothing. I find it REALLY, REALLY weird. And any new “friends” are not friends at all. Almost every person you meet here after university is extremely transactional and just see these “friendships” or acquaintanceships as transactions to get something etc. When whatever they need you for runs out, they disappear, and they are awful at making the effort to really get to know you. It’s so weird. I’ve tried going for meetups; seminars etc, have gotten no results. I much prefer groups that cater to expats to be honest. It’s also the one reason why dating here is non-existent, nobody wants to get to know or take the initiative to build up a friendship. Also, I don’t have a great number of friends and sometimes I feel lonely. So I wonder if you’ve tried any other options?
Also, I have this problem in general. I find my life to be very boring and underwhelming. Everyday, it’s just work->home and then meet a friend or two sometimes and that’s it. I’m like – ok, so THIS IS IT??? I dislike going out much here as I don’t see the point – it’s just the same old places, buildings everywhere, not much nature, crowded, annoying impolite and rude people outside and expensive, not-so-good quality food. Everything is expensive. The weather is AWFUL. Sweltering heat at about 30-38 degrees every single day, and it’s extremely humid. I don’t even know why foreigners are so enamoured with this boring place. I’ve taken to taking online lessons (on self-esteem etc), focussing on my new language and several MOOCs. And of course, researching and planning my escape from here. When I’m somewhere else, there’s always a place to explore, some new town to visit etc – i get that that’s the usual novelty tourists feel when they are in a new place; but I honestly dislike how one’s lifestyle is so limited here (on top of not being able to meet people easily), and have no idea how to make my existence my interesting. I’m starting to find my job boring too. And life can’t just be all like that right?
Evelyn
Sunday, May 1, 2016 at 3:51 pm
Hello Evelyn,
You seem to live in a very “antified” society… People in your country behave like ants – lots of stuff to do and everyone is a cog in “The System”… A frenetic society where there is little time (and little incentive) to think and get to know each other. The society may be highly developed and efficient as a whole, but the individuals… Not so much. Generally speaking. 😉
[QUOTE]
Is there any way of getting to know new people online? (…) I wonder if you’ve tried any other options?
[/QUOTE]
I believe that if you want to find REAL friends online, many “generic social networks” are actually pretty useless and endless “time sinks”. (Reputable dating websites are useful though, if dating is your goal, as I said).
Instead, you should find the best online forums, websites, blogs, newsgroups and (safe) chat rooms/systems where people discuss your favorite pastimes. At some point, you may find some nice people in your desired age range and countries, who also share your “core values” in addition to your pastimes. Or maybe you might try something different (ie. unconventional)…
Maybe you’re not the gaming type, but perhaps you might try online gaming. Find a “good” strategic game (RTS, real time strategy; or TBS, turn-based strategy); or possibly a “good” role-playing game (RPG). A “good game” where intellect and planning are undeniably rewarded and stupid actions are mercilessly punished. In other words, a videogame for intelligent people, where simply randomly swinging a club or using the same attack scheme over and over again won’t get you very far.
Next, look in the game’s online communities/rosters who the top players are, and watch how they play (“spectator mode” if available, otherwise go in and play yourself for a bit). In the game’s online chat system, you may contact the most promising ones (the ones that make the most out of their “gaming intellect”) and see if they are in your desired age range and countries. (Eg. “I’m from Ireland” -> Great!; “I’m from (your country)” -> BYE! Haha)
In (M)MOGs, (Massively) Multiplayer Online Games, both free and not-free) you can easily stop and chat with people; unfortunately there are plenty of idiots to be found, BUT you can also find some quite nice and smart people, remember that they play games too!
Also, beware that ALL these methods can be VERY time-consuming – especially MMORPGs! (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games) But, again, you may get lucky and find some decent people.
So… If you want to try any of the above methods… Good luck! 🙂
Oh and yes I used these methods in the past. Found a few “good people” but no “potential soul mate”. 😐
By the way, apologies for taking three weeks to post this, but the usual “time vampires” delayed me that much!
reality bites
Monday, May 23, 2016 at 8:32 am
By the way, I believe that “good people” should keep in touch with each other. (Anyway, just in case I might be counted as one of the “good guys”… I’ll keep reading this blog! 🙂 If you ask me for advice, I’ll do my best to give a decent answer ASAP ).
Build your own “good people” network, using any online/offline means.
On November 10, 2013 I mentioned your “emotional support system” here on this blog. Build it as soon and as best as you can. A network of “good people” that you can truly talk to. This is a good way to fight that loneliness feeling.
Also, as I’ve mentioned a couple of months ago, pets can keep you company too; but maybe you shouldn’t buy one until you’ve moved to your ideal country. Moving a pet to another country can be a nightmare and there is always some risk involved.
QUOTE
I find my life to be very boring and underwhelming. (…) I honestly dislike how one’s lifestyle is so limited here (on top of not being able to meet people easily), and have no idea how to make my existence my interesting. I’m starting to find my job boring too. And life can’t just be all like that right?
/QUOTE
I know what you mean.
Guess what… I hate my job too. Haha. I hate the low pay, I HATE the boss, and I hate almost everything about it. But since we weren’t born millionaires, we’ll have to keep working even if we don’t like what we do for a living.
Hopefully we can find a “better AND MORE STABLE” job.
I can tell you that – yes, life should be much more rewarding and interesting than it is now. You should “design” your own life and do whatever you can to get closer and closer to your vision every day, step by step. But do not speak of your projects to envious people!
What should we do in order to make our life more meaningful? (Apart from throwing “bad people” out of our life as I said – no matter how closely related)
We should find and listen to our favorite MUSIC every day! That surely adds meaning to our lives. Rest assured that listening to good music is a GREAT way to make you feel better (and to make loneliness go away).
Also… Automate your tasks as much as possible! Delegate boring, repetitive tasks to technology as much as possible. (Eg. setup email filters, automated alerts, etc.) That way, you’ll have more time for your favorite/important activities.
STOP WATCHING TV GARBAGE! (If you do). That means: TV news (engineered to turn you into a fearful and obedient slave – read a good online newspaper instead!), trash talk-shows, dumb game-shows and movies, etc. Free your time, free your soul! Read a good book instead! 🙂 Tell yourself… “The next chapter starts at X p.m.!” just like it was a TV program!
Do you have old, now-useless items? If you can’t sell them… THROW THEM AWAY! Don’t get attached to junk! Be ruthless and get rid of it! (Watch an episode of “Hoarding: Buried Alive” and you’ll feel the urge to throw something away!) Make room in your house for what really matters!
Finally, do sleep regularly and well at night. This is extremely important. 🙂 If you sleep well, you’ll have more energy for the day, more and better ideas and you’ll enjoy things more.
I’ll also post a link to this WikiHow article.
http://www.wikihow.com/Add-Meaning-to-Your-Life
reality bites
Monday, May 23, 2016 at 10:54 am
Hey RB!
YES. You’ve hit the nail on the head. People here live like rats – literally. They are perpetually in a life-long rat race which they NEVER get out of. It’s one competition to another ever since you are a child. Yes, things are efficient etc – but that results in a complete lack of humanity. People here do things with very little feeling, passion or emotions – and human interactions are very transactional. I do believe that lots of people get married only cause they need to, and not cause they want to.
Anyway, this is one of the main reasons I want to get out asap. And even if it means living a less well-off life for abit overseas, so be it.
Thanks for the suggestions! I’m not so much of a gamer though cause I find that online games tend to turn my brain into mush… like I feel weird after playing them. And lots of the people I’ve seen on those sites tend to behave/talk like trolls =/ I’m trying to find some good psychology communities where I can participate often and get to know people. I’ve known some people through conversation exchange sites and met up with them in person; but they are all overseas, unfortunately =( I’m not sure which dating sites/apps are good and am abit hesitant to try… have heard of Tinder but unfortunately lots of these types of places seem to be chock full of predatory/desperate types of men. It gets so tiring trying to fight against all the crap just to have a normal conversation with one or two decent ones. =S Do you know of any good dating sites?
But yeah all the methods you’ve mentioned (and I’ve thought of) are all really really time-consuming. I’ve found a couple of nice ones also, however, just one or two guys and no soul mate either =/
And no worries, take ur time! 😀
Evelyn
Monday, May 23, 2016 at 8:47 pm
Hahaha, thanks! Yes it’s extremely nice to keep in touch here and I often check back to see if you’ve replied. =)
Yeah I’m trying to build up this network of people – mostly online though since everyone is too busy to meet up here (eyeroll). I’ve gotten into this habit of not going out much though – not sure if that’s a bad thing? But like there’s nothing to see here, the weather is too humid, food outside is too expensive, crowds everywhere and so I’m really not motivated to venture out, I just stay home.
My job too… I think the pay is low, it’s getting really stagnant and the organisation is full of people who see problems but prefer to ignore them, undervalue their employees’ efforts and never seem to want to try new things. I’ve actually decided to further my studies in a nearby continent next year. It’s going to be expensive but it’s an accredited course so it’d be recognised in the field; as I intend to stay in the country/continent after my studies for work. I’m really looking forward to it, as although it would be very expensive and I’d be using up a lot of my savings, I think it’s my first step to getting out of this country (possibly and hopefully, forever). I also literally cannot wait to travel to different places from where I will be and am actually looking forward to socialising/dating there. It’s just so unfortunate that it is happening in the latter part of my 20s =/
So yes! More power to designing one’s own life. =) I like that you pointed out music! Haha, I can’t live without it; I have to listen to something I like every day. Hmm. I need to automate my things more; especially with emails, I lose control of my inbox very frequently =/ However, I wish we could automate housework. =/ I kinda dislike how I have to spend time cutting stuff for meals, washing the dishes and ironing.
Haha I’ve never liked tv! I have very short attention span and cannot pay attention to whatever is on. And I don’t know how people can watch endless dramas on their phones, or those endless brain cell-sapping “variety shows” which I find really silly and just a plain waste of time. The next chapter starts at x pm thing is really cool! I think I will start to adopt that for all of my tasks.
UGH. I usually throw my stuff but gosh I live with my parents and my mum is an absolute hoarder. Giving/throwing away old clothes? She’ll pick through them and pick out ones where she says she’s giving to this person and that. It never happens and always ends up in a pile somewhere. And she loves buying all sorts of stuff and just puts them in plastic bags and stacks them everywhere and never uses them. Like say she wants to file up her bills, she buys a file, files it all up, stacks it somewhere and forgets about it. Then months later the cycle repeats again and u have countless files stacked somewhere. And she will put things there “temporarily” until it ends up all piled up and she gets too lazy to pack them until something happens (unpleasant words from my dad etc). It’s extremely exhausting how someone can have a personality like that and NEVER change. MY parents are actually a very big push factor for me to want to get out of the country. Both are individually pretty bitter people and always have something negative to say about someone/something. And they are pretty unpleasant to each other too – at random moments – which gives me a lot of anxiety. Like I’ve counted the times my mum has grumbled about/nagged me about sth or someone or about her sad pitiful life and how nobody cares about her (eyeroll) – and it’s literally every single day. And she literally does nothing intellectual at home besides sleep, watch tv and play mobile games. My dad is similar – except you can swap out mobile games and replace with writing complaint letters about something/someone. I understand that they have had rough lives and are very unhappy with the current state of things. But I’ve reached the end of my tolerance level and have very little desire to continue putting up with all of these. I find that living with them both has had a toll on my self esteem (a fact I only found out recently after attending an inner critic course) and I never feel truly happy at home – it’s like my peace is always, ALWAYS ruined.
ANYWAY.
I need to start sleeping early. I tend to sleep after 12am, almost nearing 1am and it’s not ideal. My ideal bedtime starts at 11pm – given I wake up pretty early (am not a morning person).
And I will certainly check out that link – thank you very much!
Evelyn
Monday, May 23, 2016 at 8:48 pm
Hi Evelyn!
Furthering your education, especially abroad, is a great idea; congratulations! 🙂
You should find these pages interesting – they are about available professions and their educational requirements:
(links modified because of restrictive linking rules)
http://www.bestpsychologydegrees.com/25-most-lucrative-careers-in-psychology/
www dot online-psychology-degrees dot org/highest-paid-jobs-in-psychology/
www dot psychologist-license dot com/articles/top-ten-careers-psychology-major.html
www dot verywell dot com/the-9-highest-paying-psychology-careers-2794940
www dot onlinepsychologydegree dot info/top-highest-paying-jobs-field-psychology/
A highly-paid job that does not involve too much direct contact with clients/outsiders seems ideal for you. 🙂
Becoming a Professor/Researcher seems great if you want a stable job. That said…
Environmental Psychologists can work with city planners and as consultants for various organizations.
Market Research Analyst is far from being the highest-paid job, but a $60,570 average yearly salary would still allow for a decent living.
Anyway, while you’re looking for a better job, you can probably teach Psychology or perhaps even languages (English, Mandarin, etc. with a TEFL certificate that may also be earned online; of course, mother language teachers will generally be paid more).
The Real Estate field also offers some job opportunities to holders of Psychology degrees. Though the pay is not extraordinary, unless you’re very “high up” in the ladder.
Finally, you could always create “Evelyn’s professional website” (name not final!) to offer your services; every little bit helps to pay your bills. 🙂
P.S: Since you’ve mentioned MOOCs… There are tens of free online ones, offered by prestigious organizations – have a look:
www dot mastersinpsychologyguide dot com/articles/awesome-free-online-psychology-courses-certificates
www dot class-central dot com/subject/psychology
reality bites
Tuesday, May 24, 2016 at 7:44 pm
Hello RB!
Ive done abit of research on my course (it’s in the UK and accredited by the psychological association). I heard that the accreditation is impt as it helps one get jobs in the field in Europe. It’s a occupational psychology masters. Environmental psych sounds super fun to me but very little universities offer it at grad level sadly. I’ve asked around abt the course and it seems to be highly regarded by people who have taken it before and who are working in the field now.
Thing is, I’ve two options. I could do it via distance learning starting this Fall, finish it by next Fall. Advantages are – I would be working as I am studying so my pay/savings would help fund my course. 2, I can finish it quickly and negotiate for a higher pay/have more credibility to apply for work permits in another country. Disadvantages – Well I can’t think of anything much except that I would have to dedicate a lot of my free time to this (which doesn’t really matter since I ) But I am worried that it might be more difficult to go overseas via a work permit than via a student visa -> work permit option. I’m not sure if I’m accurate in thinking this way? A friend who is working in the UK says that companies are fine as long as they are the bigger ones and thus willing to sponsor ur work permit. Another friend has suggested I start applying for the work permit/ look for jobs in Europe etc now as I am studying for my masters as these things take awhile to happen.
Another option is to wait until next Fall to go over there to study for a year. Meaning I will end the course in 2019. Advantages: Well, I’m living overseas! Disadvantages – I might be living off my savings for some time and if I am unable to get a well-paid part time job, it might be quite problematic financially as UK is really expensive to live in (and the school is in London). One of my friends I mentioned above did a lot of part-time restaurant/cashier jobs just to get by when she was a student =/ 2) The course ends in 2019 and that feels a tad late to me as I would prefer going up the career ladder asap.
I don’t know – I’m leaning more towards the first option. I think Org Psych/Occupational psych is pretty relevant to my field and I can always venture out into freelance consulting/writing as time goes on. I feel that, that would be the path I would want my career to take – eventually culminating into a writing/journalist career of some sort.
And thanks for the links, am off to check them out now!
As for MOOCs – so far, I’ve taken one in project management and media writing/studies. The latter more for understanding some stuff in the work that I do. I find the former insanely fascinating – I dabble in it a little at my job – but I think project management skills are really, really important. I have some MOOCs lined up but am always procrastinating! =X
Evelyn
Sunday, May 29, 2016 at 4:37 pm
Hello Evelyn. Urgent things first…
You should aim for a well-paid job *that you’d enjoy doing*. If Occupational Psychology is one of your favorite topics/specializations, then definitely go for it. 🙂
As I see it, competitive pressure *between* organizations WILL increase psychological pressure *within* organizations. So, said organizations will be full of people to “fix up” – and you’ll be a sort of well-paid “intellectual/spiritual mechanic” qualified to increase/restore the efficiency and mental well-being of the workers. 🙂
Here is an example of job description for an Occupational Psychologist. (In Ireland, by the way).
https://gradireland.com/careers-advice/job-descriptions/occupational-psychologist
QUOTE
I’ve two options.
/QUOTE
I’d say, go for the prestigious “distance learning” course… As long it’s ACCREDITED and as long as you won’t be discriminated against “offline” learners. Look for genuine testimonials. (By the way, “online discrimination” is something I never understood… Generally speaking: if the online materials are of good quality, and the online teachers are good, why does someone speak against “distance learning” in the 21st century? Beats me)
Advantages (in a nutshell)…
* Faster, easier, more comfortable, less costly learning. You spend time learning useful stuff, rather than working to pay a much more costly “offline” course that will put you under tremendous mental and financial stress.
* Early start, early end: compared to the alternative, you are younger when your “real” job starts, so you should have better (and more) employment opportunities and IMHO a better career ahead of you.
* You have more time to carefully “plan your escape” from your native country. 🙂
Again, if the distance course is internationally accredited, especially in Europe, I don’t see why not. In fact I’d say, go for it. 🙂
P.S. Occupational Psychology looks like a field of work where you can easily freelance when you’re ready. Freelancing is one of the easier ways to become wealthy, because if you’ve got a very good CV then as a freelancer you can earn much more than a simple employee! (Or if you are OK with a “normal” employee income, as a freelancer you can reduce your work hours instead)
reality bites
Tuesday, June 7, 2016 at 6:02 am
Hello RB!
I think I’m alright with Occupational Psychology as a chosen field to further my studies in. That’s right – I think organizations have always had problems and will continue to have many, many issues far into the future. So I don’t see the usefulness of this field dying down anytime soon. In fact, I think it’s starting to pick up again after a couple of years of disinterest from the general public and grad school population.
Like you said, the reason why I like this field as well is due to the freelance nature of it. I can be as busy or as lazy as I want to be – and still get paid well 😉 Lots of people in this field who are full time consultants end up being freelance associates instead and just do work for known clients etc after building up a network after a few years. I’m also someone who really likes my personal time/life and am not interested in working too much or too hard (unfortunately), not that I’m lazy (at least I don’t think I am!) but I don’t see the point in putting in 15 hour work days and not living my life properly and doing what I like. Ultimately, I might want to go into writing/teaching psychology. And I can do all that whilst having freelance consulting gigs on the side whilst. I can juggle all these freelance work whilst having a family at the same time. So I think it’s a good work (and lifestyle!) option 😀
I’m also preparing myself to sign up for the distance option. It starts this oct and I can finish it in July next year if I keep to the schedule. And since I’m working I can support my lifestyle and pay my study fees. I also want to get it over with quickly so I can expand my jobscope (and earn more money). I have never understood the discrimination abt online stuff as well. I mean, if the materials given is exactly the same as in the offline courses then what is so different? Besides, offline, in-person studying and turning up physically to classes does not automatically make one a good student.
And yes! I’d have more time to plan my escape 😉 I hope it’s not too difficult to apply for work visas though. The only reason why I wanted to study there physically was I felt it might be easier to apply for a work visa directly from a student visa in the UK. But I don’t know…
I will ask about the accreditation for the distance learning course but from what I know everything about taking the course physically is the same as taking it online. I will email them and see what they say. And update you if you like! 😀
Evelyn
Tuesday, June 7, 2016 at 10:03 am
Hey Evelyn, nice plan! 🙂
QUOTE
And update you if you like!😀
/QUOTE
Aye, please update me! 😀
QUOTE
I’m not sure if I’m accurate in thinking this way?
/QUOTE
As for a student/work visa/permit… Please remember that I’m no immigration/travel expert, but I believe that the difficulty of obtaining one depends on the countries and their needs (and the IQ of the politicians, haha). There may be easy-to-obtain work permits, and hard-to-get student visas. Generally speaking, in many cases skilled labor is welcome, although there seems to be a lot of competition for said visas/permits.
Perhaps it is best to start applying for a work permit now, just like your friend advised, though chances would be better after the completion of your distance course. But remember that if your work permit application is rejected, you may have to wait a few months before being allowed to reapply again for that country. As always, you must learn about the local laws before proceeding.
By the way, I’ve discovered that many countries offer what’s called a “Working Holiday Visa” or equivalent, that allows you to go abroad and work for a number of months (6-24 depending). This kind of visa/permit seems easy to obtain, and allows you to start exploring a country. It may or may not be renewable.
Anyway, said WHV may help you get some more permanent footing abroad with the help of the employer there. Not to mention that a “working holiday” abroad makes you look “international” (magic word) and (at least if it’s in your working field) it can look good on your CV!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working_holiday_visa
Last but not least… If your permit/visa is not granted by a country or does not get extended, or if you simply didn’t enjoy your stay in the destination country… Do not get discouraged, as you can always try your luck elsewhere. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, June 9, 2016 at 6:36 am
http://www.listforlife.net/work-life/5-easiest-countries-work-abroad-1044
Oceania:
* New Zealand (nice country, do read about it!)
* Australia (which I already recommended)
If you want to work in Europe, the easiest places to get a work permit seem to be (according to some online opinions on other sites):
* Germany (men with 66 “Hofstede Scale” masculinity score; go to South Germany where temperatures are warmer; in the Palatinate region there is a mediterranean climate)
* Netherlands
* Belgium (which I used to recommend long ago, but now the situation has changed)
Anyway, the best (not easiest) work permits that can be obtained are probably in Ireland and in the United Kingdom (but do not live in London if at all possible!)
reality bites
Thursday, June 9, 2016 at 6:56 am
The EU’s “Blue Card” looks promising but still not fully implemented, anyway feel free to have a look:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Card_%28European_Union%29
reality bites
Thursday, June 9, 2016 at 7:09 am
Yeah, it does really depend on the needs of the country. I’ve checked out UK, Australia and NZ. None are in desperate need for occupational psychologists lol – but that doesn’t mean that individual companies aren’t looking for them. Lots of govts these days seem to have a pretty anti-immigrant stand though. Unfortunately, the UK is one of them (coughHomeSecretaryCough) and my friend did tell me that they are trying to get all sorts of anti-immigrant stuff passed in Parliament – like not letting foreign students work part-time etc. =/ There’s another friend who was quite discouraging about my chances of going over, saying that it was pretty impossible…lol. I think individual experiences will all be different, regardless. One person’s failure to enter doesn’t mean it’s going to be the same case for others too.
I need to check around for UK’s laws – but I guess I don’t have to stick to that one country. The college where I’m taking my course at seems to offer employment opportunities as well, so I will explore that too.
I had no idea about the Working Holiday Visa! Have to check that out…
NZ/Australia have been recommended by quite a number of people too. And it is nearer my home country….Germany and Netherlands are countries that I’ve thought about too. Germany in particular, given their stance on immigration.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 2:44 pm
Hi Evelyn, here is a 2013 article:
www dot bbc dot com/news/business-21938085
According to BBC, psychologists are in-demand in these countries:
America:
Canada
Europe:
Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark
Oceania:
Australia, New Zealand
…
A London-based company (Visa Bureau) says TODAY:
http://www.visabureau.com/australia/anzsco/jobs/organisational-psychologist-australia.aspx
“If your profession is Organisational Psychologist in accordance with the Australian and New Zealand Standard Classification of Occupations (ANZSCO) 2723-13 then you are currently in demand by employers in Australia.”
If things are so, then you’re still in demand! Consider applying for a work permit in Australia and New Zealand! 😀
reality bites
Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 6:33 pm
QUOTE
I’ve gotten into this habit of not going out much though – not sure if that’s a bad thing? But like there’s nothing to see here, the weather is too humid, food outside is too expensive, crowds everywhere and so I’m really not motivated to venture out, I just stay home.
/QUOTE
It’s perfectly fine. 🙂 It’s a (valid) survival strategy, not a bad habit.
I don’t go out much in my (little) spare time either. The urban landscape is boring, many people are boring (I should start calling them “templates” since they are very similar to each other) and bad generally speaking, I am often tired and I need to save time and rest.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to live closer to Nature, but for now I must live as close to my workplace as possible.
reality bites
Thursday, June 16, 2016 at 1:13 am
On 1 July 2016, a new Skilled Occupations List (and Consolidated Sponsored Occupations List) will be introduced in Australia.
http://www.border.gov.au/Trav/Work/Work/Skills-assessment-and-assessing-authorities/skilled-occupations-lists/SOL
www dot border dot gov dot au/Trav/Work/Work/Skills-assessment-and-assessing-authorities/skilled-occupations-lists/CSOL
Occupational Psychologist is still in the Australian SOL & CSOL (and this means that you’re indeed in-demand), however if you like this country IMHO it wouldn’t be a bad idea to apply for a work permit by the end of this month. What do you have to lose? 🙂 Let’s face it, many countries are better than your home country anyway.
Maybe you should ask advice to a good immigration consultant so you don’t make mistakes, though.
QUOTE
I’d have been at this company for three years come the middle of this month
/QUOTE
Also, I’m not an expert but I believe that you’d get a higher Australian immigration score (a “higher class” if you will) if you go past the three year mark before you apply.
reality bites
Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 9:35 pm
I’ve heard a lot of stuff about Australia/NZ needing foreigners to fill in employment gaps too. So I guess I would have no choice but to consider them! As you said, anywhere is better than where I am! Heck – I went to one of the most stressful countries to live/work in the region last week for a business trip and felt so much better there than here.
I was speaking to some friends and it seems that I could check out free education stuff in Finland and Switzerland cause it sounds like the government there does some sponsorships for certain courses, no matter which country you are from. I’m not sure how accurate it is so I would have to check it out.
Also – another place I would am strongly considering is actually Germany. I know a couple of ex-colleagues who have left to be occupational psychologists there and I’m sure there are in demand. Also I think applying for a visa there should be less stressful than the UK since they are more immigrant-friendly. I also like that the country has a very strong grounding in research/scientific stuff, and it kind of suits me. Also – heard that life is pretty good there! Focus at work and then chill out after that.
And like we discussed above – will also look into Netherlands and Ireland.
Evelyn
Wednesday, June 22, 2016 at 9:51 am
Oh no – Britain has exited the EU. I’m not sure what sorts of implications this might have. But I think for awhile now – the economy there isn’t going to be great and the anti-immigrant stand might get worst as they get more inclusive over the years. Am considering just forgoing this country and focussing on other countries I listed above.
Evelyn
Friday, June 24, 2016 at 3:38 pm
Hi Evelyn, please understand, I have two very different points of view to express.
(Strategic POV)
Sorry but… Hooray for Brits! 😉 About time that they left the “EU prison”. To celebrate this historic victory for freedom, I’m placing an order on Amazon *UK*. 🙂 Hopefully, other countries will soon leave the corrupt superstate!
IMHO, as the pound sterling goes down for a bit, in the UK tourism and exports will boom (especially if they cancel those silly anti-Russia sanctions); and overall, in the long term, the UK economy will improve. About Scotland and Northern Ireland wanting to “leave the UK to remain in EU” – I don’t think they’ll succeed.
(Personal POV)
Of course, that said, I feel bad for you… Entering the UK and residing there may become more difficult now. It is a good idea to complete your distance course as quickly as you can.
Maybe applying for a work visa/permit in another country will probably be comparatively easier from now on. But it depends on too many factors to know for sure in advance. Also, “Exit” referendums are announced/planned in other EU countries, too; keep that in mind.
No matter what happens and no matter what you choose, I wish you good luck. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, June 24, 2016 at 10:06 pm
Great news for Britain but I think they are gonna suffer economically for abit. Though I’m pretty sure they would have more tourists! The pound is at an all-time low compared to my country’s own currency and it won’t rise back as high as previously. So I don’t mind going there for a holiday!
Honestly, I think all of Europe isn’t a great place to be in to be honest. With the other countries going to elections next year – France, Germany etc. I think it’s pretty unstable. I might go for a nearer country like Australia/nz. I will see how it goes and continue to do my research. I feel a little bit down cause I feel like as long as this drags on and I continue living in this country, I’m gonna be single for a very long time. 😦 I don’t want that to happen. I’m sounding desperate probably but I hope to be meeting people constantly in the next 2-3 years and I just don’t see that happening in this country. I have to move soon.
Evelyn
Friday, July 1, 2016 at 6:40 pm
Hi RB! I will reply your other posts soon.
I’m kind of at a frustrating crossroads of sorts with my career and life. It consumes all my thoughts all the time lol.
Anyway, now that things in Europe is quite bad, I don’t think i can go over anytime soon. I’ve also spoken to some people in the Org Psych field and they have mentioned that the industry there is too saturated with too many org psychologists. So while i don’t think it’s impossible, it might be slightly difficult to get into the industry there. Some also mentioned that Asia is a very good choice as alot of organisations here still in very “amateur” phases and they don’t mind using some money to develop themselves and their employees.
But if i keep staying here i probably won’t get married which saddens me… and i dont exactly wanna stay here all my life. =(
Another issue is that my company has suddenly told me they aren’t going to sponsor my masters program. Then they shouldn’t have acted like they were very excited to in the first place, anyway… since they aren’t sponsoring, it’s going to be a huge financial burden for me to sponsor myself instead. I can go ahead with it, but it will take up a lot of my savings…and i don’t know it just doesn’t seem like a very smart idea.
I think it might be better to use this time whilst i’m at this company and the job market is bad… to look for other experiences at work and other certifications? Like online certifications and stuff? I think a masters is a great thing especially in the org psych field, but I don’t know if i want to spend so much money doing something that I’m not sure I’m that passionate about… Any thoughts? hmm.
Evelyn
Tuesday, August 23, 2016 at 8:01 am
I’ve also done a list of things that matter to me when it comes to choosing a country and I’ve narrowed it down to these:
1. Safe/low crime rates
2. Relatively inexpensive housing
3. Variety of affordable leisure activities
4. Cheap public transportation
5. Arts/culture is encouraged. Theatres/plays/books/ – all affordable
6. “Good” dating options
7. Relatively friendly, warm, social population
I’ve checked out some stats based on point 2. https://www.expatistan.com/cost-of-living/index/europe It seems like Eastern Europe, Belgium, Germany, Spain, Portugal, Italy, possibly Holland, Scotland and Ireland are relatively cheaper to live in. I guess I have to see if my career is wanted there. Or whatever spin-off from my career I can create over there. Nearer my region I’m looking at Korea as well – cause it satisfies a few of those options I’ve listed and is nearer home. But it seems abit harder to get a visa for a non-teaching job. Seems much easier to go the teaching route but they don’t recognise my country as a Native-English speaking country… so….
Australia and New Zealand are other options.
I’ll be looking at some companies in the UK first, as I’m the most familiar with their culture and working style etc. And org psych is still the best there. The next option is probably Germany but I’d have to learn the language. But feel free to let me know if you think any of these other countries would be a good (or better!) option!
Evelyn
Wednesday, December 14, 2016 at 1:19 pm
The UK ain’t exactly cheap, however the Kingston and Sheffield areas seem to have lower than average living costs. And Ireland, in several cases, doesn’t seem any cheaper in urban areas.
Croatia and Slovenia seem to have lower cost of living.
Speaking of Croatia… It’s a country with lovely warm beaches, forests, somewhat affordable housing and (sorry for the caps lock) NO ANNUAL PROPERTY TAX. 🙂 Like, you buy your house once and its value is not eroded by taxes year after year. It’s something to not forget. Plus, like Slovenia, it’s close to Italy which is a perfect place for tourist holidays.
Italy has moderate crime rates but also mid-high housing and living costs, high unemployment rates, high transportation costs, and above all HIGH TAX RATES. So, again, a good place for tourists, but do not even think of taking up residence there; if you do, in several cases you’ll have to pay a lot more taxes on both income and real estate (even if earned/owned abroad!).
https://internationalliving.com/countries/italy/taxes/
Germany is plagued by hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants, who are causing lots of problems to the native population.
New Zealand… “Low population, high property prices” (www dot globalpropertyguide dot com/Pacific/New-Zealand/Price-History)
Maybe we’ll talk about other countries soon. 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, December 15, 2016 at 2:30 pm
Yeah the UK isn’t cheap but it has the strongest org psych/general psych program in Europe (besides Germany) so that’s still a strong consideration. And I don’t have to learn a new language.
Croatia and Slovenia sound nice and all that but I honestly don’t see myself learning about their culture/learning their language. Just not interested. Both are developing countries as well so the demand for jobs that I’m skilled in is pretty miniscule.
I’ve never really seriously considered Italy mostly cause whatever I’m hearing from locals there – the situation sounds extremely dire. Also, the people seem rather loud and uncouth (oops) – at least that’s what I always hear. So not my type of place.
Germany – yeah.
New Zealand/Aussie still on my list as they have strong psychology programs in the region.
Btw, I think I might have found my interest. Probably has been lurking there for ages but didn’t realize it til I spoke to a former colleague today. It’s not in org psych, it’s cross cultural studies. So I probably have more choice now.
Evelyn
Friday, December 16, 2016 at 6:41 pm
Gah typed a whole paragraph and WP wouldn’t post it. I recently did some research and found out that amongst researchers Market Research analysts (I always confuse this with market researchers but i’m pretty sure they are different) are in pretty high demand in various sectors and countries. It’s also pretty highly paid. I’d probably need to get myself some new skills but otherwise, they seem to overlap pretty well with some research skills i currently possess. the monetary and time investments needed to take up further studies (a few certifications from the right examining bodies) is also relatively lower than Org psych (and any psych) research seems to involve a masters/phd uptake no matter how i look at it and i’m not sure i want to make that kind of investment since i’m not sure i want to be on that path forever. They don’t seem to pay that well too considering the amt of further studies an individual has to do.
Hope you are having a good break wherever you are!
Evelyn
Monday, December 19, 2016 at 1:28 pm
Gah typed a whole paragraph and WP wouldn’t post it. I recently did some research and found out that amongst researchers Market Research analysts (I always confuse this with market researchers but i’m pretty sure they are different) are in pretty high demand in various sectors and countries. It’s also pretty highly paid. I’d probably need to get myself some new skills but otherwise, they seem to overlap pretty well with some research skills i currently possess. the monetary and time investments needed to take up further studies (a few certifications from the right examining bodies) is also relatively lower than Org psych (and any psych) research seems to involve a masters/phd uptake no matter how i look at it and i’m not sure i want to make that kind of investment since i’m not sure i want to be on that path forever. They don’t seem to pay that well too considering the amt of further studies an individual has to do.
Hope you are having a good break wherever you are RB! =)
Evelyn
Monday, December 19, 2016 at 1:55 pm
THE “ONLINE/OFFLINE DATING” THREAD
This “thread” is for discussions about online/offline dating platforms (apps, websites, networks, etc.) and strategies.
QUOTE
have heard of Tinder but unfortunately lots of these types of places seem to be chock full of predatory/desperate types of men. It gets so tiring trying to fight against all the crap just to have a normal conversation with one or two decent ones. =S
/QUOTE
Tinder is a popular social app used by over 50 million people. It allows you to find people based on certain criteria… Unfortunately, “age” and “distance” do not seem like good criteria for finding “good people”!
Also, two people must reciprocally “swipe right” (like) each other or the conversation will not start. The “match” is, as a matter of fact, primarily based on photographic looks. This sounds like a very superficial thing – there may be a wonderful personality hidden underneath an average-looking face!
Oh and just like on other dating platforms, any “bio” (and picture) could be fake anyway!
So, as you may guess, I do not recommend Tinder for dating at all.
reality bites
Monday, May 30, 2016 at 5:54 am
Thanks for creating the thread 😉
“Primarily based on photographic looks” – and that’s why I have problems with most of these apps. I think it’s sooooo easy to present yourself as something else. I know people use outdated photos of themselves too. I remember using a site sometime last year, but I deleted it almost immediately. Cause just as I registered, I had my profile appear on the newcomers feed. I was barely on for a couple of minutes before I had weird men sending me messages asking to be friends. And some of them were way older than me (and I feel, pretty inappropriate) whilst others came off so desperate sending multiple messages in a space of like 5 mins. And that was all based off my profile pic as I hadn’t written anything in my introductory profile yet. Weird.
I’ve heard of people meeting their spouses on there (very rare, almost impossible). A friend I have who is using it currently to date people says that it’s alright though you have to wade through a few weird people, strike up conversations with them before agreeing to meet in person. I ain’t got no time for that, plus I honestly feel the kinds of guys I go for won’t be actively lurking on these places as well. There are other horror stories I’ve heard though. One friend has a colleague who uses it and dates multiple women despite claiming to have met his soulmate. And that’s one of the major issues I have with such apps and some people who use it actively. The accessibility encourages much relationship infidelity, and I’m pretty sure lots of them on there are married/already in relationships but just looking for some fun.
Evelyn
Monday, May 30, 2016 at 11:54 am
Time Management ~
There’s another issue I’ve been grappling with for a long time. I have major issues with time management and procrastination and generally focussing on something. I have stuff that has been on my to-do list for months =( and I know I have to do (but isn’t super urgent). These are the issues I tend to notice I have:
1. I don’t estimate time very well so I always under-estimate the time I need to complete a task and end up using more time than I scheduled in. This then creates a domino effect, which means I don’t end the day finishing everything that I’ve scheduled in
2. I have very poor focus. During the task, I will get distracted and take a too long break, end up surfing the net for an hour etc. it happens far too often =( And I go like days not doing anything productive but just surfing stuff on the net =O Or I will think of something and then go look it up and forget about my work.
3. I’m generally very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do about it. Like as of now, I have a couple of things I’d planned to focus on. Finishing up an online course, finishing up two books I’m reading, finish up my online inner critic workshop/course, finish up part of the Korean language book I’m going through. Each of these things take a lot of time to finish. So I end up like, scheduling an hour for each thing but I find that my progress is abit slow. So I schedule more stuff and I end up literally completing nothing. Or I will work for an hour on say, Korean and feel really good about it, but then I remember that I have my online course to finish and one chapter of my book to read and I feel really sucky about it. So the next day I schedule those in instead of Korean, but end up worrying about my Korean. If I made any sense here….
You seem to have a very good sense of how to manage your life and your time, so I was wondering how do you go about juggling all the stuff in your life? I feel that if I go on like this, nothing will get done on schedule and I’m literally wasting my life away.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 2:43 pm
Hello Evelyn,
I’ve been quite busy lately and I was also doing some fiscal stuff these days… Now I’m finally back for another post. 🙂
Inefficient time management, procrastination and lack of focus… Big problems. Let me see what I could say about them in general.
First of all…
BEFORE managing your time you must set clear, achievable, passionate and profitable goals.
http://www.goal-setting-guide.com/how-to-create-powerful-passionate-goals-that-excite-and-motivate-you/
Only then can we start begin talking about time management ie. the science of how to use your time to achieve your goals. (Eg. an actor and an architect’s workdays are full of rather different activities!)
Let me say that again: GOALS first! 🙂 Like an ancient Roman Stoic philosopher said:
“If a man does not know to what port he is steering, no wind is favourable to him.”
(Ignoranti quem portum petat nullus suus ventus est) – Seneca. Epistolae, LXXI., 3.
Next, let’s talk about PRIORITIES.
Some goals are more important than others. So, activities aimed at achieving primary goals are very important. Activities aimed at achieving secondary goals are less important. Other activities are even less important.
Finally, at the bottom you have all activities that serve no purpose and could be called “time wasters” because they are counterproductive or unneeded. (Don’t get me wrong, do include good sleep and some quality relax time in your list of daily activities, but choose carefully). Human parasites LOVE to dwell here in this area, usually on the “damaging/counterproductive” side, since they drain your emotional energy and steal your precious time until you get tired of them and decide that enough is enough!
Many years ago, I once read somewhere that the Jesuits had a “Test of Conscience” which was simply a powerful question: asking themselves, “Will this help me achieve my goal or not?” If yes, do it; otherwise, don’t. This question will help you decide which activities are to be labeled “top priority”, which activities are less important and which activities have to be eliminated from your daily schedule.
Example. If you wanted to become an architect, studying Geometry would be very important and Acting Lessons would be much less important; for an actor it’s usually the other way around.
An important part of time management is to assign a “priority score” to each activity, and the Test of Conscience will help you do just that. 🙂
Hopefully I’ll soon post some more important information about the topics mentioned above! 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, July 30, 2016 at 4:37 am
QUOTE
1. I don’t estimate time very well so I always under-estimate the time I need to complete a task and end up using more time than I scheduled in. This then creates a domino effect, which means I don’t end the day finishing everything that I’ve scheduled in
/QUOTE
It’s a common problem. Many people under-estimate the time needed for a task or project. There are so many unknown/unforeseen/unforeseeable variables involved. This happens especially at the beginning of the task/project, and also if you’ve never managed such a task/project before (the “learning curve” is unavoidable and usually rather steep at the beginning). Also, there are so many things that can go wrong and they can happen at the worst possible moment (even all at once…)
And then, some tasks/projects are especially insidious because they seem common/ordinary on the surface but really aren’t because of a number of factors that will become clearer and more evident as time passes…
Try this. First, get to know the task/project’s variables better (asking some more questions to the client/supervisor/employer may be necessary); then, do your time estimate to the best of your current abilities; and finally, if at all possible, DOUBLE/TRIPLE that time value depending on the complexity/novelty of the task/project. Of course, some deadlines are negotiable but others are not – do what you can given your time allowance, but as I see it, in the field of time management it is best to “underpromise and overdeliver” whenever possible.
When necessary, do not be ashamed to say to yourself, “Yes, this task/project is so complex/different/innovative that it will take me much longer than expected to complete it”. The real question is, would your client/supervisor/employer see it the way you do? Tough question with no real answer, I’m afraid. Some would understand your point of view, some others wouldn’t. 😦
Remember that your client/supervisor/employer will judge your professional maturity also based upon how well you estimate the time needed to complete a task/project.
It is imperative that you finish all your work IN time, rather than ON time (in the latter case, the client/supervisor/employer will not be impressed). It is better to respect the deadline than to ask for several deadline extensions, because THAT is something that, more than many other things, can really damage your career as your client/supervisor/employer wonders if you are truly the right person for the job.
I’ll post some more stuff ASAP! 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, August 6, 2016 at 4:55 am
Now let me address the second problem.
QUOTE
2. I have very poor focus. During the task, I will get distracted and take a too long break, end up surfing the net for an hour etc. it happens far too often =( And I go like days not doing anything productive but just surfing stuff on the net =O Or I will think of something and then go look it up and forget about my work.
/QUOTE
I know what you mean. Life’s hard, work is tiring and distractions are aplenty. Productivity goes down… Sometimes WAY down. I know. 😦
EXTERNAL DISTRACTIONS
You should work towards your goals in an environment as free from human interferences as possible.
In most cases, human beings have nasty habits: not collaborating with you, interrupting you and making you feel angry and/or down (and recovering from such mental states may require a lot of time).
So, as much as possible, work/study alone in a place that is as free from noise as possible.
MUSIC AS A PRODUCTIVITY TOOL
If allowed to do so, consider the idea of putting on some INSTRUMENTAL music at LOW VOLUME, ie. in the background, perhaps using small headphones (not earbuds: they may permanently damage your ears), so it does not interfere with your work/study and thinking abilities. In fact, such music may benefit your productivity.
The topic of listening to music while at work or while studying is fairly controversial. Here is my summary.
According to the cognitive scientist Daniel Levitin, listening to music BEFORE you start working is okay; but after you’ve started working, music can distract you, unless you are performing a repetitive/monotonous task.
But here is what I think:
Pre-work music can put you in a better mood, sure, but certain types of music may increase your productivity even while working/studying.
Baroque/Classical music seems to work best; for instance, the late Bulgarian psychologist Georgi Lozanov studied how Baroque music at 60bpm (beats per minute) is perfect for accelerated learning. (60bpm is the same speed as a very relaxed resting heart rate).
Mozart music seems best, but I believe that select musical pieces composed by Beethoven, Bach etc. can be relaxing and improve your concentration too.
The existence of a “Mozart Effect” has been theorized, and in fact (according to a study) rats that listened to Mozart music received a temporary spatiotemporal intelligence boost because they could more easily escape a labyrinth compared to their Mozart-less companions. We’re not rats… But if we struggle with desk organization and office clutter, Mozart is our man. 🙂
If you dislike those genres of music, you can always put on some movie/anime/videogame instrumental soundtracks (low volume, no vocals) as long as the music itself is not too fast and does not depress, overexcite or otherwise distract you from your job/study. Such soundtracks should work pretty well IMHO.
Let me remark again that your working/studying music should have no vocals, as these would burden the parts of your brain dealing with language and logic, and would possibly decrease your reading/writing/typing/thinking productivity.
IMHO good music helps you focus your mind on the task at hand and has a calming effect. When you are not working/studying, you can also listen to more exciting music and to music that has lyrics.
How you listen to music is up to you… Some prefer a long list of tracks played at random, some others play it in sequence, some others continuously play the same track over and over again until they get bored.
Anyway, here’s a list of music genres. It’s a long list, but even so I still believe that it’s not a comprehensive list.
http://www.musicgenreslist.com/
After reading all this… Thanks for reading, and feel free to go make yourself a good playlist. 🙂
Hopefully I’ll post more about concentration/attentional control soon. Who knows, maybe you still read my stuff! 😀
reality bites
Wednesday, August 17, 2016 at 4:01 am
Other career-related stuff ~
Btw I was wanting to ask you this as well haha. Have you ever negotiated for a pay increase in your career and when is a good time to do so? I think about this a lot. I don’t know if I’m being too motivated by money but I feel this is the time in my life to save a lot if possible. And living in an expensive city, I do appreciate a higher pay. I’d have been at this company for three years come the middle of this month, but so far my pay has only risen 4.5% in total. I think it’s pretty low =/ I mean they do have other perks – I can work wherever I want, not come into office if I like, my boss isn’t particular about start/end times, nobody chases me for my work (good and bad actually), the work isn’t stressful, I can claim cab expenses on the company, I’ve attended some rather expensive and interesting training courses/conferences etc over the years and have gone to the uk several times for work. But as usual, there are always problems with senior mgmt. and the way they handle money. They seem to be very willing to pay associates/consultants huge amts of money for very little effort, especially if these consultants are demanding about it. And I’m wondering why shouldn’t I demand for more money too? Lol.
But at the same time, it’s a bit tricky as I am intending to ask my boss if the company is willing to pay for my masters 100%, after which they can claim back 60% from the govt under a particular scheme. I have three options then for the other 40%. 1) Get them to sponsor all of it, 2) We both fork out half the amt, 3) I pay for it in full. I’m afraid they might ask to bond me if they are sponsoring some or all of that 40%. Of course, if they do bond me, I might be able to ask for a stint in the UK etc. My friend did advice me saying that since I work for a british co, it’d be good to use them to launch my career so to speak in the UK. But I’m not sure how successful that request will be, as they are quite dependent on me here to complete work and they aren’t generally very open to inter-office transfers. They talk about it quite abit but no one has made a move to make it happen.
Then there’s the other thing of when to leave this company. I know I won’t be here long. Honestly, I want abit of a more challenging role to stretch myself and learn new skills. My boss was nice about it and was very agreeable but he’s extremely overworked and so there’s nobody to guide me in that sense. I kind of have to manage my career here on my own lol. I’ve thought of volunteering to do stuff for him – to help with slides, preparation etc, but so far I think he’s been too busy to delegate. I think I need to have a chat with him in the next few days… Anyhow, I don’t know when is a good time to leave. The upside here is that I can do pretty much whatever I want (slack off even, if I wanted to =/) and there has been opportunities to try on new things and learn new skills. Downside is I want more of those opportunities (But I’m not getting them), and the pay…needs to be higher! Lol. Also, we don’t have a lot of research business coming in, so a lot of the time, I have no idea what the plan is for the year etc, and don’t get to do as much work as I would like. Things also always gets pushed back cause people overlook them/are busy etc.
I think about this all the time and I’m not sure what to do about it.
Evelyn
Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 2:44 pm
Hello Evelyn. 🙂 I’ll reply to this first, since it seems more urgent than the other posts.
QUOTE
Have you ever negotiated for a pay increase in your career and when is a good time to do so?
/QUOTE
Last time that I asked for a pay raise, it didn’t go quite well. And it didn’t go much better in the past either. I improved my CV and performance but apparently it wasn’t enough. And the fact that the boss and I definitely do not see eye to eye (euphemistically speaking) also influenced the outcome…
Oh and I was told that there is that economic crisis looming in the background (IMHO a pathetic excuse for paying employees less than they’re worth)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-de-haaff/5-lies-employers-use-to-not-give-a-raise_b_7218350.html
Anyway… I’m not an expert when it comes to asking for a pay raise. But I believe that one of the best moments to ask would be right after a “major accomplishment”. For instance, after you complete your distance course or complete some very important work project.
If you want to ask for a raise earlier than that, IMHO it is essential that you “package” your proposal so that you point out your accomplishments and your “recent & overall” contributions to the success of the company. Even so… Prepare to fight, (politely but firmly) because employers do not give in easily. I know.
Also, have a backup plan just in case you end up in a “Or…?” situation where you either accept what is “graciously” offered to you, or are told to go elsewhere. Perhaps this won’t happen if you’re much needed in the company.
Anyway, when you do finally ask for a pay raise (after much thought): be polite, but remember that you are not begging but rather offering your services. Have faith in yourself and your abilities, and that (since you’ve worked hard) you have what it takes to get a decent pay raise. 🙂
QUOTE
I don’t know if I’m being too motivated by money but I feel this is the time in my life to save a lot if possible.
/QUOTE
By the way, no, you’re neither egoist nor greedy if you want to get paid more for your job… It’s only natural. And saving money as much as you can is very wise, remember that you’ve got a future freelance career to start up once you feel ready! 🙂
(To be continued…)
reality bites
Monday, June 20, 2016 at 4:35 am
Yup lots of people have said the economic crisis means that pay increases would be really low, if any.
There are a couple of work projects lined up this year that I would be heavily involved in. I’ve also contributed quite abit in this past half of the year to existing projects. But I wonder if it is enough. My org is notorious for being stingy to full-time staff (no one has been successful in asking for a payrise unless they had a counteroffer), but are willing to pay huge amts of money to consultants and associates who do very little work.
I’ve been told to check market rates but it’s very difficult to do that as no one has accurate data on what the rates are. Besides, everyone calls themselves a “researcher” these days even people who do nothing but just enter data into a spreadsheet.
I’m also not sure how it will go down if I am going to ask for a raise on top of requesting financing 60% of my study fees. LOL. I don’t really have a backup plan, but between the two I would prob request financing my studies on top of a pay rise.
Yup! I will suck up whatever I can right now for that freelance career in the future 😉
Evelyn
Wednesday, June 22, 2016 at 9:56 am
Flash news…
STUDY: Teen pregnancy shoots up when schools give kids condoms
http://www.thecollegefix.com/post/27914/
“A new study by Notre Dame researchers found that giving teens the tools to prevent pregnancy had the exact opposite effect in several states (…) THEY ENCOURAGED SEXUAL RISK TAKING.”
No! Who would have thought that would happen? -_-
reality bites
Thursday, June 23, 2016 at 6:16 am
Haha. Just seems like such a “duh” thing isn’t it. Granting protection isn’t gonna make people abstain, it’s certainly gonna increase numbers on the other side of the equation. Cause people are gonna be like – well, I can do whatever I like because the condom etc will protect me from the risks and consequences – (Evelyn’s logic, 2016). There certainly has to be a name for this type of mental process.
Evelyn
Friday, June 24, 2016 at 3:35 pm
QUOTE
Granting protection isn’t gonna make people abstain, it’s certainly gonna increase numbers on the other side of the equation.
/QUOTE
Well said.
If schools hand out free condoms:
1) (more) people are ENCOURAGED to have (more) sex,
2) possibly using the “standard door” more often compared to… weirder-but-safer-with-condom forms of sex,
3) possibly while giving up alternative, condom-compatible contraceptive methods (eg. male pill & female pill)
On top of that:
4) Condoms have a FAILURE RATE for whatever reasons (breaking, misuse, etc.)…
(Some questions are more complex than they seem, eg. so-called “oral sex” is said to be weirder but safer with a condom; the “weird effect” discourages oral sex, the “safer effect” encourages it; the overall effect on the connected variable “total number of potentially fecundating sexual acts” is unknown. Anyway, back to the main topic)
So we have these Disaster Ingredients(TM):
1) increase in the number and frequency of “potentially fertilizing sexual intercourses”
2) increase in the total number of failed condoms
Leading to the Disaster Outcome(TM):
Increase in the number of undesired/unplanned pregnancies! (And their consequences)
QUOTE
There certainly has to be a name for this type of mental process.
/QUOTE
I’d love to post about the Logic aspects of all this. Hopefully this will happen soon. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, June 26, 2016 at 4:54 pm
I still owe you replies! But there’s something that I need to decipher and I was wondering if you had a perspective on it. I was kind of looking back on my “romance life” or rather, lack thereof, for the past 10 years. And I’ve noticed a pattern that really makes me feel quite sad thinking about it. First, alot of my “incidents” with guys have never progressed into a serious relationship. The extremely tiny amount that have, I had to make alot of effort to initiate things at the beginning. If I had not, nothing would have happened and they would have never approached me. The second thing is, I tend to attract guys that seem to like the ‘chase’ or like getting my attention for whatever reason. And when they do, they either: 1.completely stop 2. give mixed signals 3. or this game continues on and on without progressing anywhere and nothing ever happens. They never ask me out formally. None of them have tried getting to know me as well, at least not in a way which is obvious to me. Alot of the time, these guys who ‘chase’ – half of them already have girlfriends or have some sort of partner (disgusting). Also, these guys don’t just come from where I live but from various countries and cultures.
All these makes me think there is something seriously wrong with me or I’m just focusing on the wrong type of people. But it does make me feel quite sad. Especially when I log on to facebook and see people from my university and elementary school days getting married left and right. Whereas there’s no one in sight for me.
abstractedcollective
Thursday, August 25, 2016 at 2:43 pm
Hello Evelyn! The blog linked by you is nice. 🙂
QUOTE
I still owe you replies!
/QUOTE
No worries! Post if and when you feel like it. Your replies are optional but very welcome! 🙂
QUOTE
I’ve noticed a pattern that really makes me feel quite sad thinking about it.
/QUOTE
There are so many things to say, I’ll summarize as best as I can.
The negative outcomes that you’ve experienced may depend on: self-image and goals of both you and your potential dates.
1) Self-image:
First of all, neither you nor your potential date must be (too) shy or nothing will happen. This is an age-old problem really.
Having a strong-but-healthy self-image is essential; you must firmly believe that you deserve to be loved and that for you “somewhere out there” there is (more than) a compatible person who will like you! Your potential date must believe the same.
At some point, either of you should somehow make it clear that there is the non-academic desire to know the other person better and, if there is mutual liking, maybe get a bit closer; such a move could lead to the first date, which may be where things start. 🙂
If the potential date seems a good person but is shy, that person should be helped to feel at ease and speak freely.
By the way, Evelyn, as far as I understand, most of your “romantic incidents” can be blamed on “girly men” and “stupid men”, and the rest on “bad luck” (wrong timing, distractions, etc.)
So, don’t worry; you’re a good, balanced person, just a bit unlucky. 🙂 Maybe you’ll say that you’ve had a streak of powerful bad luck – but I say: if it is so, it’s mostly due to the terrible environment that you’ve been forced to live in so far. There is very little wrong with you, if at all.
Also, keep in mind that, generally speaking, if we keep improving our self-image, we’ll eventually totally erase that small “insecurity vibe” that “every now and then” briefly surfaces to damage how other people see us.
2) Goals:
As a woman, you have a pure and noble goal ie. finding a good young man, quite possibly a virgin, with whom to get married and live “happily ever after”. That is commendable. Unfortunately, quite a few men are not on your same wavelength.
Men can “chase” women for different reasons ie. having different goals. Here are a few categories of men that I have identified; the profiles, in quite a few cases, are not separated from each other, but they “leak” into each other depending on the individual personalities.
“Sexual predators” chase a woman because their goal is sex – duh. Dressing modestly helps to keep them away from you!
“Attention whores” have the goal of getting your attention at all costs and once they get bored of playing this game, whether initially successful or not, they go chase somebody else. Hint: as soon as you understand who they are, be boring to them!
“Myopic loveseekers” chase a woman because they initially think she’s “The One” for them; but when they get to have a closer look, they leave once they understand that they were aiming for the wrong target (misinformed/unrealistic expectations).
“Opportunist scumbags” will chase a woman until a (perceived) better one comes up. If they fail with the second woman, they can always try to go back to the first one with their “standard ordnance” “please take me back” lucid puppy eyes. 😐 The right reply to give is, “Sorry but I’m with someone else now”. 😀
Now, let me say something more.
Some men have shallow goals and they stop “chasing” when their goals are reached or when it becomes clear that their accomplishment is, or has become, impossible.
Some men have self-esteem problems; they do not feel worthy of having a good woman at their side. Perhaps they feel intimidated by a successful woman’s charisma, personality and ability to earn a good living all on her own. Which is a shame.
Many men simply don’t know what to do when they are near a woman they like. At some point in the past, such men might have had a general idea of what to say to her, but today they surely don’t. Their “natural instinct” is confused at best (ie. mixed signals), but more likely it is lost and forgotten and healing this condition is very difficult if not impossible.
And yes… I blame the media, who surreptitiously program men to be “bumbling fools” with no idea of what to do. Example. Just watch a couple of sitcom episodes, and you’ll notice that A LOT of male characters behave like bumbling fools. This stuff subtly sticks to the subconscious of unwary men and slowly teach them to think like “girly men”. In a few years of watching stuff like that, a once-healthy man (who used to NOT question his ability to attract women) will have been programmed for failure, and even consider himself lucky if a woman invites him for a coffee!
Ultimately, the “no progress” crowd of men either don’t know what to do next (ie. unclear goals, if any) or have self-esteem problems, or both.
In extreme synthesis, today it is very easy for a woman to find either an egoistic “sexual predator” or a man who doesn’t know what to do next.
True Alphas with clear, non-egoistic, mutually-advantageous goals wanting a stable relationship with a woman (eventually progressing to marriage) are sadly a dwindling race, some say even doomed to become extinct.
In a nutshell… Society is a mess. Let’s hope things will improve in the next decade. 😐
reality bites
Sunday, September 4, 2016 at 5:20 am
Whoops. I keep that blog kind of like a information collection thing. I was hoping it won’t be linked haha. Glad you liked it though!
Some quick thoughts.
Self-image: I have to admit that I did have low self-esteem. It used to be worst when I was younger. I used to not think I was attractive and people won’t like me. And it was pretty bad when people would show interest and then not follow through or end up with someone else. When I started working, I slowly gained confidence and these days on most thing, I’m close to idgaf – mostly. Haha. I do tend to have a lot of run-ins with shy, girly men though. I’m alright initiating things or reciprocating, but I do think that I’m only willing to do so to a certain extent, the guy has to man up and play his part at some point as well. But most don’t.
The environment I’m in really sucks for getting to know new people, everyone sticks in their own cliques and are reluctant to meet new people. And it sucks for dating. Also, as you know, the guys suck as well haha. I don’t seem to have a problem with the guys when I’m in other countries.
So I have to move quickly!! Ugh.
Yeah and add that goal in as well and it’s just so hard. And sad to say, from your list, I attract attention-whores A LOT. It’s amazing. And I also attract men with shallow goals a lot.
Sigh. The media really has ruined men (and women), relationships are ruined for good. Exactly! Lots of men are portrayed as bumbling fools on dramas. It’s so off-putting in real life. Also, I’d never for the life of me understand men who like someone and never do something about it. Like, people actually let an opportunity to get to know someone slip by? Who knows what great things that person or relationship might bring into your life, and you are ok with it slipping by? Amazing. There’s someone like that in my life at the moment and I find it thoroughly confusing. It makes u question whether the person has genuine interest or you are just reading the situation wrongly.
And yup true alpha men really are disappearing. I find more true alphas in the Gen-x/older Gen-y age group than those of my age. Sadly, most are married haha.
Evelyn
Thursday, September 8, 2016 at 8:42 am
I also had another question for you. Hmm. What in your opinion would replace a masters degree program? Like the skills and content that you learn from a masters. For me, I have learned quite a lot of new things from MOOCs. But I was wondering what other credentials I could take on that is cheaper/has less commitment than a masters but would give me the credibility. Hmm.
Evelyn
Thursday, September 8, 2016 at 8:42 am
Hey Evelyn,
http://careersinpsychology.org/becoming-an-industrial-or-organizational-psychologist/
“According to the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology, an I/O psychologist’s salary is often determined by the level of education completed.”
In other words, without at least a (distance) master’s degree, an I/O psychologist would find less work, and would be paid less even as a freelancer… I wish that I had better news for you. 😦
If that famous accredited UK distance course is still on your mind, you better make a decision soon because:
1) Brexit is accelerating and the UK will soon close the doors to strangers
2) Consequently, fewer students will be admitted to the course (but because of this, its international value may go up)
Also, it’s a shame that your company won’t pay for your course after “acting enthusiastically”… Well… Welcome to the fickle corporate world. 😦
I really don’t know whether you should apply or not for the UK masters course now that the situation has changed so drastically… Only you can make that choice.
More education is cool and would give you more and better paid opportunities, but requires lots of money and effort, plus you risk facing problems if you can’t finish the course before the Brexit comes into effect (2 years at most, I believe).
Remember that if you do not feel like studying anymore, everything will be much harder and a lot of money will be wasted, and the risk of not being able to complete your course because of “study burnout” or “international bureaucracy” will go up.
reality bites
Sunday, September 11, 2016 at 1:43 am
QUOTE
What in your opinion would replace a masters degree program?
/QUOTE
Hmm. A doctoral degree would probably be better, far more challenging (more years, more effort) but give you more prestige and credibility. Can be costly, but sometimes can be mostly free, depending on many factors.
QUOTE
I was wondering what other credentials I could take on that is cheaper/has less commitment than a masters but would give me the credibility.
/QUOTE
Courses are good. MOOCs in particular are a very good thing.
A few single college courses, chosen strategically, can give you useful knowledge and could even help your freelance career.
Attending to conferences, seminars and workshops in your field, especially if held by renowned organizations, can also be a very good way of improving your CV. By the way… Giving a themed speech at a conference, even for free, even if only in association with somebody else, would boost your status as an expert; it would be great if somebody asked you to deliver a speech or even part of it! You could also volunteer to share some of your knowledge with the audience (Q&A etc.)
Training by, and working for, certain organizations (even for free) can also improve your status.
Authoring, or even co-authoring, some type of academic work (article, paper/thesis, etc.) would also look great on your CV.
And if you can manage to publish a good, original book about a particular topic in your field, your image will improve even further.
Translating somebody else’s academic work/speech text (with full permission and mandate of the intellectual property owners), even for free, could also help to get your name around and help professors reach new audiences. All in the name of Science of course! 😉
Sharing some of your best knowledge on your professional blog or web site also helps build credibility as an expert.
reality bites
Sunday, September 11, 2016 at 4:28 am
I’ve had some technical problems posting. The blog won’t publish my link…
Apologies if the blog will later “catch up” and publish my post multiple times!
reality bites
Sunday, September 11, 2016 at 8:53 pm
Hey Evelyn,
I hope that you’re doing well and that my advice helped you at least a bit.
Oh and sorry if some of my messages may come across as a bit rude and unpolished, they are written very much in a hurry and I do not always proofread them nor put in enough “smileys” haha. 😀
Anyway… If you want, feel free to ask for my opinion about possible education/career choices or about other topics! 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, October 6, 2016 at 4:32 am
You should search for suitable certifications in your chosen field.
Certificates will improve your credibility as an expert.
Please DO read this page right now, from top to bottom, you’ll be glad you did.
https://tinyurl.com/jhcjnju
You may actually want to bookmark that article, PRINT IT and highlight some parts of it. Quite literally. It’s that important.
The most important heading is,
POST-BACCALAUREATE CERTIFICATE
Do not skip a single word of this section. I’d quote a portion of it, but it would be a massive spoiler! 🙂
The second most important heading (and subheading) probably is,
CERTIFICATE SPECIALIZATIONS
Industrial/Organizational (I/O)
reality bites
Sunday, September 11, 2016 at 9:19 pm
Hmm I NEED to find those post-baccalaureate certificates right now.
I’m focusing on identifying careers and countries the whole of this month and the next. I’m going through a very useful book for the career bit (What colour is your parachute) and I’m actually in the right field. Haha. Or at least my job makes use of skills that I’m good in/passionate about. One area I actually would like to explore is that of writing/media/journalism. I think i might want to make a career out of it. I’ve spoken to a few people and IO Psych is on the rise in Asia (compared to Europe) and orgs here are willing to shell out money to enhance their organisational life, so I guess it is looking promising; staying in this field. But I do know helping orgs etc isn’t exactly my passion and I’d probably just be doing it mostly for the money, and mostly to pick up useful skills along the way.
Evelyn
Tuesday, October 18, 2016 at 1:13 pm
Here is an interesting article.
“Women attracted to dark and brooding men because they want to find a mate”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/12171121/Women-attracted-to-dark-and-brooding-men-because-they-want-to-find-a-mate.html
reality bites
Saturday, September 24, 2016 at 2:07 am
LOL that’s me in a nutshell. I always think it’s a natural instinct for women to like the literal – tall, dark and handsome men – that includes being brooding and masculine. That’s just nature at work and it’s abit sad nowadays men are getting more feminine.
And don’t worry about the abrupt replies, i know you are busy!
Evelyn
Tuesday, October 18, 2016 at 12:15 pm
Dating thread ~
Guess what, I decided to try out online dating recently so i filled out some profiles on a few apps/websites but narrowed it down to just 2. It will be an interesting social experiment and also for me to kind of suss out what sorts of people are out there and what types of personalities i’m drawn to.
I’ve only been on one date so far with one of them. And the whilst the conversation was good I really didn’t feel comfortable whenever he sat really near me or leaned in very close. And he was also touching my clothes and stuff. I know this is a small consideration, but I felt abit violated, especially wrt my personal space. If I had known the person longer/been friends for awhile i think i wouldnt have minded it so much. But i just felt icky. And it’s especially funny since we just had a conversation on me not liking people who get touchy-feely when i barely know them. I don’t know if i’m being too picky about this. Also, quite interesting to observe some people have pretty ungentlemanly behaviour when eating haha, like just finishing an entire plate of food (that you were sharing) without asking if you wanted more; shows me a possible lack of concern/consideration for the other person in the long run. Again a very small point but I think it might matter in the long run. Like I just think someone like that would care more for himself than his other half. That might change if he’s in a relationship but i generally don’t think so. I think gentlemanly behaviour/manners is actually pretty obvious from the get-go and is very consistent over time.
I’m going on more and i will let you know what interesting personality quirks i find haha.
Evelyn
Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at 10:28 am
Cool, I’m looking forward to any updates from you! 🙂
Good observation and reasoning skills. 😉 Very useful to know whether somebody is “marriage material” or not.
http://indiaopines.com/hints-your-guy-marriage-material/
Oh and hopefully you’ll soon find a decent guy (preferably in your destination country) who does not invade your personal space!
reality bites
Thursday, October 20, 2016 at 1:22 am
I went on another one last night hoho. This one is interesting, he’s in his early 40s never been married and as such there’s quite a huge age gap between us. I have to say though he’s pretty goodlooking, amongst the better looking guys i’ve seen in this country though he works in finance (ew). The conversation was very interesting and the chemistry was quite alright, he was quite funny and you can just tell he’s pretty experienced at relationships and also seems like he’s meeting quite a few on the side.
Not so nice stuff: he seems abit picky in terms of women and I don’t fit his “type”. He mentioned liking women who aren’t fat, who aren’t hairy in the right places (hmm…..ok…..), is feminine and classy. Haha. I definitely am not 100% feminine and i dont have super tidy hair all the time. He also only met me for coffee for 1.5 hours so kinda shows that he doesnt want to be invested so early on, which is kinda smart on his end i guess. Oh and he was asking me alot of qns which were interesting but made me uncomfortable as i felt he was sussing out my personality based off my answers; so it felt like an interview. Ie: what are the things in life you would stand in a queue for? Hmm.. ok… And he didn’t text me after that to ask if i’ve reached home safely etc. i dont know what this means but it cant mean anything good (ranging from not interested to uncaring). Also, this is our first time speaking to each other as we dont text at all otherwise.
I find people from online apps quite funny. They either want to proceed into relationships really fast or they are super judgmental on the first date. Also, i tend to prefer getting to know someone as friends first in a very light-hearted manner so i find that meeting ppl from here sets up a very artificial environment – great if you are dying to be in a relationship. But not so great for people like me who would like to be friends first, exchange a few msgs and get to know someone well enough, in a stress-free environment. It makes it very stressful and not-so-enjoyable for me.
Haha yes, preferably in my destination country. But I need to get out of here first!!
Evelyn
Thursday, October 20, 2016 at 7:42 am
QUOTE
This one is interesting, he’s in his early 40s
/QUOTE
Here are my thoughts:
1) Early forties… When his future children (if any) will be in their twenties, he’ll be in his sixties, minimum; and since he’s not had any children until now, who knows what would happen if his future wife wants to have children but he does not want any?
2) Huge age gap… When you get to your own early forties, he’d still be much older and may have health problems
3) Good looks… Good but they don’t last forever, even with a good plastic surgeon
4) Finance… A legalized gamble/scam/pyramid scheme for the most part (eg. many banks, many derivative markets, etc.), but I can almost guarantee that a skilled man working in finance can buy a lot more stuff than a mere employee/clerk
5) Chemistry is not everything (hopefully I’ll post more details soon)
6) Not fat women… Understandable; he wants a woman who takes good care of herself – but he shouldn’t expect the impossible
7) Shaving… If he refers to female genitals, this is a “red flag” that he may not quite be a virgin. Beware
8) Not being invested too soon is smart, but being rude towards a woman is dumb
9) The “interview” method… One should be more indirect when gathering information; if it feels like a job interview then the woman may lose interest; very few people like being thoroughly questioned without prior mutual knowledge; maybe information should be mutually exchanged one bit at a time, in turns, in a relaxed bilateral conversation and a stress-free environment
10) No SMS after first date… Not mandatory but yeah, that’s not a good sign; maybe you have a lot of competition and someone gave “better” (for him) replies. Hopefully I’ll post more details on your “SMS dilemma” in your other post soon
Overall opinion on that guy:
Unfit for Evelyn. Next! 😉
QUOTE
like to be friends first, exchange a few msgs and get to know someone well enough, in a stress-free environment
/QUOTE
Wise words to live by. 🙂
I’ll reply to your other post ASAP! 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, October 30, 2016 at 5:34 am
1&2: This is the reason I will eliminate anyone who is >10 years older from now. Even 10 years is a stretch. He’s start having health issues etc earlier than me! Also, this guy could be married for all we know!
4: I seriously dislike finance people and now I know why. They don’t hold the same life/moral values as I do. Like I’ve ever found a sales/finance industry person to be down-to-earth and sincere. Two qualities I appreciate in people and esp in a partner. I also don’t really like people who are married to their work and who are obsessed with money.
5: looking forward to your thoughts on chemistry
7: I didn’t hear what he said actually but I’m assuming he meant genitals cause I remb alarm bells go off in my head. He actually said a few things during the conversation that made alarm bells go off in my head loudly. Despite presenting himself as a traditional guy with lots of intellect.
8: yup I found it very abrupt. It was like a transaction – what do you expect from finance types? 😉
9: exactly.
10: Also, I’ve found out that guys who want to meet very quickly without getting to know you first are very impatient, sorta desperate and aren’t interested in you as a person/interested in being serious. It’s like he wants to screen people quickly and discard them, wants someone to talk to, wants someone to split the bill of an expensive dinner with, wants sex/take advantage of the girl. I think if you aren’t playing to this requirement of his in any way, you won’t get a callback. Something I need to note without taking things too personally. The guys whom I’ve connected with happen to be interesting, patient, respectful (doesn’t push me to meet up quickly).
Anyway, real-life dating >>>>>> online for me anyday and I’m thinking of stopping the latter soon. It’s amazing how so many people are so boring, they just talk about their working lives and the boring crap they do on weekends. No hobbies, no books nothing. Instead of wasting time on online dating sites, they could use the time to improve their minds. And online dating is a very false environment which made things feel very unnatural. I think I’d prefer to meet people in person, but it seems abit harder!
Evelyn
Sunday, October 30, 2016 at 8:24 am
QUOTE
real-life dating >>>>>> online (dating)
…
online dating is a very false environment which made things feel very unnatural
/QUOTE
Online dating can indeed feel like an artificial environment.
But I’m afraid that if many people lie and conceal their true identity, personality and intentions… It’s simply the result of the sad state of society, and not the fault of “online dating” per se.
Sure, many people are more inclined to lie online… (See heading: “What about online dating?”)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201407/can-you-really-trust-the-people-you-meet-online
But “major lies are actually rare”, and (IMHO) the smart woman can still discover liars and eventually find a good man to date instead.
Both online and offline dating have their advantages and disadvantages; that said, here’s what I think:
QUOTE
guys who want to meet very quickly without getting to know you first are very impatient, sorta desperate and aren’t interested in you as a person/interested in being serious.
/QUOTE
IMHO you’re already doing well when it comes to the extremely important task of identifying negative qualities in the people you talk to. Indeed, impatient people should be excluded from your life before they even have a chance to meet you! Well spotted. An impatient man is often egoistic and will put his own happiness (and satisfaction) above all else.
reality bites
Tuesday, November 1, 2016 at 2:26 am
By the way,
QUOTE
Guess what, I decided to try out online dating recently so i filled out some profiles on a few apps/websites but narrowed it down to just 2. It will be an interesting social experiment and also for me to kind of suss out what sorts of people are out there and what types of personalities i’m drawn to.
/QUOTE
Congratulations. Wisely done. 🙂 Look at what the world has to offer, and “know thyself” ie. get to know what kinds of people you find attractive (but “beware of bad boys”!). Write down the positive qualities that you want in a man… And the negative qualities that you hate. And set priorities. Eg. decide if you would reject a virgin man because he is a smoker: is smoking a “deal breaker” in your eyes, or would you tolerate a “light smoker with good chances of quitting”? For example, smoking is a “deal breaker” for me, but everyone is different.
Some dating websites implement “personality tests” of some kind, you’ll probably get “fewer but better” results with such websites. If people are not pre-selected “by personality type” then YOU are the “headhunter” and the selection process will be more time-consuming.
reality bites
Sunday, October 23, 2016 at 6:10 am
Also, i was talking to a friend who uses such apps and we were talking about the criteria on which we evaluated our dates. She has super high standards though and if the guy doesn’t send her home on the first date she wont set up more with him. Also she judges alot on chemistry. Lol i think chemistry is impt but over-rated and most dudes will NEVER send you home on the first date when they barely know you. When you are dating exclusively/in a relationship already i kind of expect that but not when it’s casual.
Anyway this has got me thinking;
1. How much weight do you put in chemistry?
2. Should a guy text immediately after the first date?
3. How long do you wait before you set up the next one?
4. How do you reject someone you aren’t interested in but is wanting to meet you again soon?
5. And omg, how do you split the bill?? The first dude brought me to a really expensive restaurant, bill came up to 100 bucks i asked how much was it and he told me to give him 50 bucks. I was really irritated actually. And then the second one paid for my tea but that was barely 5 bucks when he earns alot LOL. So i dont know how to balance this. Should the guy pay everything even if it’s a first date and he’s just starting to know you? Should the girl offer or keep quiet?
Hmm.
Evelyn
Thursday, October 20, 2016 at 7:48 am
Also another qn:
6. Should a guy send a girl right home after they’ve just met and spoken for the first time today?
Alot of my girl friends think a guy SHOULD send the girl home. But I’m thinking, why should the guy do that? You guys might have had a good conversation, chemistry whatever, but you guys barely know each other so why would he put in so much of effort after the first meeting?
I might expect it from a serious bf or someone i’ve been dating exclusively/getting to know for awhile already before getting serious. But someone I just met? No. I don’t want him to know where exactly I live either.
I do know lots of women that get very hung up over this. Or get hung up over someone who used to do it early in the relationship and stopped doing it after that. I think it’s such a small thing to get hung up over!
Evelyn
Thursday, October 20, 2016 at 10:49 am
Hi Evelyn,
Quite complex topics we have here, haha. 🙂
Let me see what I can say about these ones…
You’ll forgive me if I haven’t researched much before answering this time, so please do not take this message as the ultimate authoritative source for dating advice. 🙂
QUOTE
2. Should a guy text immediately after the first date?
/QUOTE
Ah, the “SMS dilemma”.
If we really think about it, the post-date SMS is probably similar to a post-job-interview thank-you letter, but much shorter and much more informal.
Purpose:
I would say that the main goal/purpose of the post-date SMS is to make you stand out (in a good way) in your date’s mind, in a world full of competitors…
Requirements:
http://indianexpress.com/article/lifestyle/bad-spelling-smileys-in-postdate-sms-can-be-a-huge-turn-off/
– It must be grammatically correct, easily readable and should contain neither abbreviations/acronyms, nor single words, nor smileys.
– It should not be followed by another SMS too early (patience is a virtue!)
IMHO:
– There should be at least some MUTUAL interest/attraction between the two parties in order for the SMS to be useful. In fact, the more mutual interest there is, the more the SMS is a good idea.
– The message should come across as sincere and not a pathetic attempt to “hit on her”. (Men: use smileys at your own risk)
– It should be at least *a bit* original (but not eccentric/extravagant) or it will be lost in a world of predictable, unremarkable messages.
– It should be sent between 1 and 3 days of time since the date; more precisely, at a time when your date is thought to be: not tired, away from work and other worries, in a relaxed environment and in the right mood for receiving the message. Let common sense be your guide.
I’ll cut my post here for now, more stuff coming when I am finished editing… 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, November 24, 2016 at 2:52 am
If the two “daters” have already understood (by the end of the first date) that they are obviously not made for each other, they should wave goodbye to each other and no post-date SMS is necessary (and in fact, the two may not even have exchanged cell phone numbers if you think about it).
But I suppose that in this scenario, if the guy knows her cell number and it was not already said in person, a “Thanks for your time, good luck with your search” (for Mr. Right) kind of message from him would show his politeness and the ability to keep emotionally detached (signs of maturity).
…
If he is interested but she is not, he could SMS her along the lines of “Thanks again and goodbye, it was nice meeting you” but he shouldn’t message her again unless explicitly asked.
…
If he’s interested but she is unsure, a “Thanks for a great evening, hope to hear from you soon” message seems OK. In other words, he shows interest but does not pressure the woman for a decision.
If she hasn’t texted or called after 7-10 days, he could try one last SMS to invite her to a second date, as long as it is engineered to be a relaxed and mutually interesting evening.
…
If he and she are both interested, he could SMS thanking her for a great evening AND briefly mention some nice detail, eg. “Thanks for the lovely evening, the dinner was exquisite and your knowledge of computers is amazing! I hope to talk to you again soon!”
…
Hopefully I’ll manage to reply to all your questions soon. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, November 27, 2016 at 4:01 am
QUOTE
3. How long do you wait before you set up the next one?
/QUOTE
When to set up a second date? IMHO:
If the two “daters” had a great time together (and no evident “red flags” were detected), “strike while the iron is hot”. 🙂 More specifically, IMHO the second date should be set up within three days since the end of the first date. (If conditions are particularly favorable, it may be a good idea to talk about a second date just before the end of the first date!)
If there is a lower level of mutual interest, a second date can be set up between three and seven days after the first date.
If there is so-so mutual interest, perhaps they should not set up a second date – but as mentioned above, the man may try to send a polite invitation SMS 7 to 10 days after the first date. A sort of “last attempt” to see if the first impressions were wrong (and yes, sometimes first impressions are wrong; we are human, after all).
P.S. Of course, if the woman calls or texts the man before the planned time, the interested man should then invite her to a second date.
(More answers soon)
reality bites
Monday, December 5, 2016 at 5:42 am
Hello again, Evelyn! 🙂
QUOTE
5. And omg, how do you split the bill??
/QUOTE
How to split the bill… Good question. A very debated topic.
IMHO the answer depends:
– on how long both “daters” have known each other before finally going on a date,
– on their “apparent wealth level” and
– on their personal beliefs (about the role of each gender, etc.)
Anyway, I believe that there are a few unspoken rules to follow:
No.1:
A dinner date bill can be EITHER be split fifty-fifty, OR paid in full by only one party.
One person should pay: 100%, 50% or 0%; the other person will pay the rest.
Any other arrangement should probably be considered inelegant, because “playing with percentages” sends a wrong message and puts emphasis on each other’s net worth or any social class differences.
And let’s face it, arguing about money on the first date is probably one of the ugliest things to do! (And a huge red flag; see below)
No.2:
Do not irritate the other by asking him/her “too much money”.
In simple words, as I see it:
If both parties ARE wealthy, they can go to a classy restaurant. They can split the bill fifty-fifty, unless the man wants to pay in full – in which case, the woman should gratefully accept.
If one or both parties are not wealthy (ie. lack of costly visible jewelry, luxury cars, etc.), they should go to a reputable but unequivocally “middle-class” restaurant (ie. a restaurant where one’s part of the bill does not “cost too much”).
A) If (at date’s end) a second date looks likely, then the interested man may offer to pay in full if he wants.
B) Otherwise, the bill should be split fifty-fifty.
C) However, IF the woman insists to pay the full amount and the man has no (stable) job, he should gratefully accept the offer “just this once”.
Anyway, IMHO, *when in doubt* (ie. when the situation is not clear), the man should offer to pay in full. 🙂
Any failure to resolve the “dinner date bill dilemma” easily and peacefully is a big “red flag” (arguing about money): in that case, a second date is not forbidden but is not recommended. “Financial maturity” (ie. a healthy relationship with money) is one of the things that make up a TRUE adult being.
Finally, for another point of view, feel free to have a look at this Forbes article:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/maggiemcgrath/2014/02/28/the-definitive-guide-to-splitting-the-dinner-bill/#34d89ae52cf3
(Hopefully more answers soon – meanwhile, comments are welcome! I hope that my answers helped you so far! 🙂 )
reality bites
Saturday, December 10, 2016 at 6:37 am
Hello RB, sorry I’ve been away for abit!
Wrt to texting: I agree, it should be done a couple of hours within the first date, with a polite msg and perhaps sth alluding to setting up a second one. If there’s not interest. The msg can stop at thanking the other for the nice evening.
Wrt to bills: I think splitting at the beginning is the best. But if the guy offers to pay, I’m not gonna fight him on it 😛 This leads me to another point – what sort of meal are you guys having? Honestly, I’m ok with something light. Light dinner, a coffee. I don’t know, I just don’t see the point in “going big” and having a 3-5 course dinner especially on a first date with a stranger you barely know. The bill is gonna be really expensive as well and I rather not pay for something I don’t really want to. I recognise this is a personal preference. But coming from someone who doesn’t enjoy expensive eat-outs and has a tendency not to eat out often, this is important.
Also, I’ve gotta be honest and say that I’m kind of tired of online dating. I think the novelty has worn off.
I’ve also realised something about myself – I’m not very interested in dating? I don’t know. I find my interest in a person wanes very easily. Like I don’t mind chatting to them as an individual or as a friend but I’m not really interested or motivated to pursue anything more. I don’t know if there’s something “wrong” with me.
I don’t know if part of the reason is cause I subconsciously don’t feel like I want to be here forever, so I’m not invested in meeting anyone here and “rooting” myself here long term? I don’t know. =S
Also I might sound very superficial but there’s a huge “attraction” factor lacking with most guys I meet. I’m mostly not physically attracted to them. But there are other things missing: charm/wit, humour, manners. I don’t know what exactly is it but there is certainly something missing. Case in point – I’ve been interested in people over the years who looked average but have something else going on with them that I find attractive. This is missing here and I feel it’s a cultural/country thing.
I feel it’s pointless sometimes to go on meeting people when I’m gonna be meeting more of the same.
Evelyn
Wednesday, December 14, 2016 at 11:00 am
QUOTE
what sort of meal are you guys having? Honestly, I’m ok with something light. Light dinner, a coffee. I don’t know, I just don’t see the point in “going big” and having a 3-5 course dinner especially on a first date with a stranger you barely know.
/QUOTE
I eat light, too. The focus of a “dinner date” should be to talk in a relaxed environment, not to stuff as much as one can into the stomach. (Besides, I’m on a diet, haha). What kind of meal… It depends on the situation and mood. Some white meat seems OK, for instance.
QUOTE
I subconsciously don’t feel like I want to be here forever, so I’m not invested in meeting anyone here and “rooting” myself here long term
/QUOTE
I believe that indeed, “dating” in your country must be an awful activity; it’s no wonder that you find it boring! It must be a country full of unattractive, boring men with shallow (if any) goals! So, it is only understandable that you do not like dating there.
I also understand why you consider “online dating” as unproductive. But I still think that “online dating” is only a tool and it won’t transform today’s growing crowd of bumbling pseudomales into Alphas. Today, a woman has quite some digging to do, online dating or not, to find the right man! Which is very sad.
In conclusion: keep planning your escape, keep searching for your soul mate, and keep a positive attitude! 🙂 Positive results will surely follow.
reality bites
Wednesday, December 14, 2016 at 7:09 pm
Hello Evelyn! 🙂
QUOTE
4. How do you reject someone you aren’t interested in but is wanting to meet you again soon?
/QUOTE
Another good question. It’s a difficult one to answer. 😐
Let’s assume that the first date is over and that you’re already sure that the guy is not “The One” for you. How do you tell him?
I believe that this article somewhat sums everything up, and answers your question; please read that before scrolling down:
http://www.lovepanky.com/women/girl-talk/how-to-reject-a-guy-turn-down-a-guy
Ok now you can read the rest of my post… 🙂
My point of view is a bit different compared to the article.
NEVER offer your friendship to a guy whom you were forced to turn down in a harsh way!
As I see it, the “annoying suitor” is immature and will never respect you nor see you as just a friend.
Anyway, next points.
I would add a couple more ways to reject somebody:
#0
Require a promise – BEFORE setting up the first date.
This is a sort of “early test” for the prospective first dater, and solves some problems BEFORE the first date happens.
If he gives a wrong answer to you, he effectively disqualifies himself.
(First of all: NEVER TALK TO A STRANGER IN A DESERTED PLACE. Stay among the crowd: the more, the better).
REFUSE to go on a first date with someone who can’t promise the following:
That if you don’t like him, it will be “goodbye with no strings attached”.
I call this the “preemptive promise” strategy.
So, as I see it, there are at least a few:
SCENARIOS
A) If he EVER overtly refuses to make that promise, you’ve just discovered a dangerous stalker! Get away ASAP (and you’ll be glad that there are a lot of people around you).
B) If he overtly refuses to make the promise and is “just kidding”: get away ASAP, double time!
C) If he does not answer AT ALL, you’ve just discovered a possessive/immature/uncaring person. Stay alert. Point out his refusal and wave goodbye.
D) If he silently hesitates more than 7-10 seconds before finally making that promise, you’ve discovered an insecure/insincere/opportunist/schemer person. Bye-bye!
E) If he argues before finally making such a simple, reasonable promise, you’ve discovered a litigious person. Goodbye!
F) If he makes the promise but sounds insincere, you’ve discovered a potential actor/liar. Some people are actors, and the guy may instantly say “Yes” when he means “No”; blowing up an actor’s cover may not be easy and requires further (pre-)investigation.
G) If he made that promise and things don’t go well… You DID tell him that NOT liking him was a possibility. Goodbye…
Anyway, making him promise, generally speaking, should “soften the blow” in case the woman says “no” to a second date.
Finally: when in doubt, say NO to a first/next date. Better safe than sorry.
All that said… If everything else fails and not even a “harsh turn down” seems to work:
#11
Threaten to call the police – as a last resort
Remember that this can happen AFTER point #10 of the linked article.
First, make sure that you’re not alone with the “confirmed stalker” (ie. you’re in a crowded place), then tell him that if he doesn’t leave you alone you’ll call the police. And if he doesn’t leave you alone… DO use your cell phone (emergency button and speakerphone are your friends).
That’s all for now.
Hopefully, this post was useful/interesting and the wait was worth it.
I’ll see if I can answer another of your unanswered questions before the end of the month.
As always, feel free to share your thoughts if you want. 🙂
Bye for now! 🙂
RB
reality bites
Tuesday, January 24, 2017 at 7:28 am
Exactly! The focus should be the date/getting to know each other and not the food and having a 10 course meal. I’m also abit weirded out when people I just meet on the first date wanna share food. Like ew nope?
It IS an awful activity. Getting to the first date is so tiring, then trying to build up a relshp (provided he meets my standards?) equally tiring. Unattractive, boring, shallow goals does describe them aptly!
That’s very true – the woman has to work for it these days SIGH. I still the merits of online dating – I’ve met some nice individuals off there after all. But I think I will take a break from it and come back when I feel more energized. Right now I have way too much on my mind regarding further studies/careers/where to escape to!
Also I have another random qn: what does it generally mean when a guy can spot u in a crowd/always looks at you from afar, but cannot hold your gaze upclose? Always just does the staring out of the corner of his eye thing instead. I’ve been politely smiling at this dude since we frequently have been bumping into each other for mths and i happen to speak his native language so that piqued my interest. But the smiles never get returned cause he’s so busy avoiding my gaze.
I hope when I move to another country I don’t have to ask/talk about such weird guys anymore.
Evelyn
Friday, December 16, 2016 at 6:59 pm
Hello Evelyn!
QUOTE
what does it generally mean when a guy can spot u in a crowd/always looks at you from afar, but cannot hold your gaze upclose? Always just does the staring out of the corner of his eye thing instead. I’ve been politely smiling at this dude since we frequently have been bumping into each other for mths and i happen to speak his native language so that piqued my interest. But the smiles never get returned cause he’s so busy avoiding my gaze.
/QUOTE
It is not “true love”; he simply feels physical attraction for you, as he just seems to have a crush for you.
Apparently, he just likes to dream about you; he has created a “perfect image” of you in his mind, but his shyness and perhaps self-esteem problems and/or psychological immaturity prevents him from talking to you.
He may just be “in love with the idea of being in love”; if he was serious, then he would at some point try to have a brief conversation with you in order to get to know you better!
While I do not recommend talking to him… In the end, I sort of feel bad for that guy, because (like millions of other men) his mind has probably been programmed with the childish and damaging ideas about love propagated by the mass media. “Love at first sight” is a terrible idea, yet it is “just how it works in the movies”! Sigh… (Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I hate many mass media with a passion!!)
I wish that there was a good, practical manual teaching men and women how to behave in the world of romantic relationships. (You may have to write one! Seriously!) A book teaching people what REAL love looks like, and how to find your perfect soul mate. But even if somebody managed to write such a good book… Would people read it? 😦
Anyway… That’s all for now. 🙂 Thanks for reading, and…
Merry Christmas! 🙂 And Happy New Year 2017! =)
I’ll post again ASAP (I wonder if you check this blog at least once a week? 😀 Just curious!)
reality bites
Friday, December 23, 2016 at 5:46 am
A belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year RB! :D:D Here’s to many more amazing things that 2017 will bring 🙂
I actually receive an email whenever you respond, so I do check whenever you reply to msgs. I just take awhile to reply sometimes – oops. Speak soon!
Evelyn
Tuesday, January 3, 2017 at 12:02 pm
Howdy Evelyn, long time no hear! Hopefully all is well with you. 🙂
QUOTE
5: looking forward to your thoughts on chemistry
/QUOTE
This is yet another very complex topic. I’ll see what I can write about it. 🙂
Some disambiguation is in order.
Let me start by saying that I don’t really like the word “Chemistry” in reference to relationships. I prefer talking about feeling a “Connection” or even “Rapport”. 🙂
Wikipedia defines “Rapport” as “a close and harmonious relationship in which the people (…) concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well”. A simple and clear definition that I like.
On the contrary, I find that the term “Chemistry” is a bit ambiguous and difficult to define; and it gives the wrong impression that chemical substances in our bodies are far more important than our conscious behavior and willpower.
Wikipedia defines “Chemistry” as “a simple emotion that two people get when they share a special connection”.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemistry_(relationship)
So, to clarify further: to me, “Rapport” is a CONDITION, whereas “Chemistry” is an EMOTION.
There is a nice, long quote on that page. I very much agree with Elizabeth Baldwin’s thoughts about chemistry:
“Romantic chemistry can be one of the most dangerous and self destructive emotions if left unchecked. Some people will enter relationships with incompatible mates blinded by chemistry. Chemistry often seems to have the power to blind us. Chemistry is the reason the saying, “Love is blind,” exists. Chemistry can make otherwise rational people ignore serious problems and issues in an individual and relationship. Chemistry often blinds people to warning signs that a person or relationship is not healthy or the right one for them.”
In extreme synthesis: to me, “chemistry” mostly coincides with “attraction” and is only moderately important, ie. only up to 20%; up to 25% in extraordinary circumstances. Let me explain…
Like everyone else, I need to feel at least a BIT of attraction so that a romantic relationship with a specific person won’t feel “wrong” – but since I want to behave rationally, I need to objectively analyze the other person’s behavior before I even think of starting a relationship.
I won’t deny that in the past, I’ve felt strong emotions for a few women; but – so far – I’ve managed to keep my cool and think rationally. 🙂
That’s all for now… Feel free to share any thoughts about Chemistry/Attraction (or about any other topic). 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, April 20, 2017 at 1:10 am
Hello RB! Hope you are well.
Life is busy but fun. Have given up on online dating/dating for the time being. The quality of men here plain suck. And I rather spend my time on myself, working on fun stuff instead of wasting what precious bits of it on low-value people.
Gah I wish I could delete my photo off this site. It’s everywhere after i mistakenly linked my account. But wells..
Hope you are well!
Evelyn
Monday, June 19, 2017 at 1:21 pm
Hmm I still see your photo on this site in your post dated:
Thursday, August 25, 2016 at 2:43 pm
As it was posted from another account.
I am not an expert, but I believe that erasing your personal blog may not be enough; you’ll probably have to ask WordPress to delete all your accounts and information entirely. 😦
https://en.support.wordpress.com/deleting-accounts/
Also remember that Google (global and/or local versions) – ie. Google Cache – and Archive.org (the “WayBack Machine”) may have stored “snapshots” of your personal blog (and of this site) where your photo may be visible. If so, you may want to ask them to immediately remove your photo (and any personal information) from there.
If you fear that your photo may have been published on some unknown website, perhaps a reputable RISE (Reverse Image Search Engine) such as “TinEye dot com” may help you; such engines tell you if/where your image has been published on the Internet. If such engines can’t find it, your photo has probably disappeared from the Internet altogether.
Finally, you could always ask Gravatar dot com (how) to erase your avatar/photo/URL.
P.S. Welcome to the Information Age :(, sometimes one of the most horrific things ever invented. Maybe we’ll talk about its downsides in the future.
reality bites
Thursday, August 24, 2017 at 4:21 am
Test.
Evelyn
Monday, June 19, 2017 at 1:21 pm
Testing. Ah great, the comment box is working
Evelyn
Monday, June 19, 2017 at 1:22 pm
Hi Evelyn, I’m well thanks! 🙂
QUOTE
I wish I could delete my photo off this site. It’s everywhere after i mistakenly linked my account.
/QUOTE
Sorry to hear about that “privacy leak”! That must be incredibly annoying.
Anyway now I see a “yellow Christmas tree” image as your avatar image now. So it looks like you’ve solved the problem on this blog! Yay! 🙂
Hopefully I’ll post something soon! Although unless I leave my air conditioner on all the time, I can’t really concentrate for long these days!! 😀
reality bites
Thursday, August 3, 2017 at 3:09 am
Hello Evelyn,
I’ve been wanting to write something for weeks… Let’s see where the “wheel of topics” will stop on. 🙂
QUOTE
I rather spend my time on myself, working on fun stuff instead of wasting what precious bits of it on low-value people.
/QUOTE
I very much like this point of view. 🙂
Time spent on self-development is never wasted, and in fact an emphasis on self-development is very much a hallmark of “high-value people”.
Now I’ll say something that seems obvious, but that a lot of people would easily miss:
…
In order to develop our self, we must have enough spare time for it. Hence, the need for “efficient time management”.
In other words, good time management is what will give you the spare time needed to invest on self-development.
…
There you have it. If “time management” was a theoretical and sometimes purely academic topic before, now you see it for what it is: one of the real keys to the evolution of the human being. 🙂
I’ll also mention that most governments often impose WAY too many taxes on the population, forcing them to work much more than they would need to – therefore leaving them with very little time for self-development and evolution… And I have a feeling that this is by design. In fact, I’m thinking that the last thing governments want is that people have enough time to think and question their policies…
Anyway, the main methods of “freeing up your time” are: 1) delegation, 2) automation and 3) getting rid of “time parasites”. Each of them would probably require (and deserve) a thread of their own – for now, I’ll press the “Post Comment” button and rest a bit. 🙂
reality bites
Monday, August 21, 2017 at 5:02 pm
https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
“roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (…)”
“Increase in cheating is due to greater opportunity (time spent away from a spouse), as well as young people developing the HABIT OF HAVING MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS BEFORE MARRIAGE”
…
In other words… Premarital sex is like “infidelity training” and should be avoided at all costs.
I wonder if people will understand this at some point…
A person who liked having multiple sexual partners in the past will probably still like having multiple sexual partners in the future (ie. during a marriage or long term relationship)!
reality bites
Saturday, September 23, 2017 at 1:17 am
Hi Evelyn! I hope you’re having a great week. 🙂
Here is a useful tool for your research:
https://books.google.com/ngrams
“Google Ngram Viewer” quickly scans millions of digitized books and produces a (percentage) graph of how many times a word or expression was published in such books during a certain time period (eg. between 1500 and 2008).
Google shows a standard example of how between 1980 and 2000 “Frankenstein” has been more widely known than “Albert Einstein”, who in turn has been more widely known than “Sherlock Holmes”. And shows how in the past (ie. before 1980), it hasn’t always been that way.
Another example: try typing “adultery,infidelity,sex,gender” (WITH commas and WITHOUT quotes) and comparing the Victorian Era (1837-1901) with the later time period (ie. 1901-2008). (Time period: 1800-2008 gives us a good view; typing 1500-2008 “flattens” the graph too much, but probably gives interesting clues about censorship!)
Anyway, I stumbled upon this online tool by chance, and I believe that it can be useful for your research. I hope that you will like it. 🙂
If you want or need some more tools for your research, please let me know and I’ll do some googling. 🙂
reality bites
Friday, September 29, 2017 at 8:27 am
More good news for everyone who’s waiting until marriage!
“Women who married as virgins had the lowest divorce rates BY FAR.”
https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability/
No surprise there. Also:
“The odds of divorce are lowest with zero or one premarital partners.” (The one premarital partner being the future spouse?)
In other words: everyone who’s waiting until marriage should rejoice, as they’re making the best possible choice! 🙂
Hmm. When time allows, I should really create a list of all scientific studies that I’ve quoted regarding virginity and marriage/divorce in one place from both this blog and the old one… And maybe also list other such studies from other sources…
reality bites
Monday, November 20, 2017 at 10:48 pm
Hi Evelyn, hope you are well. 🙂
I was thinking… We’ve been talking about many topics for over 6 years and a half! That is quite impressive.
I’m confident that you overall enjoyed our conversations so far. I certainly did, and – if you are willing of course – look forward to chatting with you again!
I must give you thanks for helping me on the way to my own evolution. Without your useful input and information, I probably wouldn’t have noticed many things… And I would have been spiritually poorer.
My sincere hope is that in my blog posts there was at least something that actually helped you progress faster on your own personal/spiritual growth path. Who knows if I actually managed somehow to: save you time; protect you from common philosophical errors that many people fall prey to; or maybe even suggest you useful ways to “identify bad people” before it’s too late and “find good people” instead!
All that said… I believe that people like me and you should network, and it would be great to keep exchanging thoughts and insights on any topic of interest.
If you want to talk about a particular topic, or see if Logic can give us clear answers to our questions, feel free to post a message on this blog and I’ll do my best to reply to the best of my abilities!
Oh and I look forward to hearing good news from you! 🙂
reality bites
Thursday, November 30, 2017 at 11:21 pm
I wonder if I’ve already mentioned this study? … Perhaps on the old EWB blog years ago? … No matter. Here’s a very brief article! Linkity link! 😀
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/couples-who-wait-report-better-sex-lives/article1847555/
“Couples who wait report better sex lives”
…
“Couples who wait until they are married to have sex appear to be much happier than those who race to get it on, according to a new study in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology.”
…
“REGARDLESS OF RELIGIOSITY”
…
Good to know… Or to remember! 🙂
reality bites
Saturday, December 23, 2017 at 5:12 pm
Already posted years ago in the old EWB blog? Anyway, here’s the link:
“Harmful Effects of Early Sexual Activity and Multiple Sexual Partners Among Women: A Book of Charts”
http://www.heritage.org/education/report/harmful-effects-early-sexual-activity-and-multiple-sexual-partners-among-women
“In general, the earlier a woman begins sexual activity, the greater the number of non-marital sex partners she is likely to have over the course of her life.”
The full PDF report is downloadable from a link that will become visible by clicking the “Read Full Report” button. Enjoy!
reality bites
Wednesday, December 27, 2017 at 6:46 am
Merry Christmas! And Happy New Year 2018! 🙂
reality bites
Monday, December 25, 2017 at 12:48 pm
Interesting article.
“Do absent dads make for promiscuous daughters? Study finds lack of father figure triggers risky sexual behavior among young girls”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2340431/Do-absent-dads-make-promiscuous-daughters-Study-finds-lack-father-figure-triggers-risky-sexual-behavior-young-girls.html
Guess what, it looks to me that daughters of divorced parents (and single mothers!) have a higher probability of having an “absent dad” – and therefore, of becoming promiscuous later in life… And since promiscuity is strongly correlated with increased divorce rates… Hmm…
Hmmmm… I am starting to understand why society is what it is today…
reality bites
Wednesday, December 27, 2017 at 4:43 am
What is “hooking up”?
A definition can be read on this website – allow me to quote a large portion of that page:
https://www.hookingupsmart.com/about-hooking-up-smart/
/QUOTE
What is Hooking Up?
[1. Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. New York: New York University Press, 2008.]
Hooking up is a term to describe a sexual encounter between two people. It is a deliberately vague expression, and can mean making out, having intercourse, or anything in between.
Hooking up has replaced traditional dating on college campuses, and has also become prevalent in the general population and culture. The hallmark of hooking up is the clear understanding between both parties that the encounter will be free from any expectations for further contact. It is designed to avoid the possibility of commitment. However, hooking up is still the primary pathway to a potential romantic relationship.
The hookup script reverses the sexual norm; the pair becomes sexual first, before emotional intimacy or a relationship is established.
Hooking Up Stats
91% of students report that hooking up is very common or fairly common on their campuses.[2. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. “Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right – College Women on Mating and Dating Today.” Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
87% of college students report having hooked up.[3. Kahn, Fricker, Hoffman, Lambert, Tripp and Childress. “Hooking up: Dangerous new dating methods?” American Psychological Association Symposium: Sex, unwanted, sex, and sexual assault on college campuses. 2000.]
73% of girls wish dating was more common.[4. “The Truth About Hooking Up.” Cosmopolitan. October, 2008: 190-1.]
12% of hookups eventually lead to relationships.[5. Hayes, Allison, McManus, Brian and Paul, Elizabeth. “Hookups: Characteristics and Correlates of College Students’ Spontaneous and Anonymous Sexual Experiences.” The Journal of Sex Research. February, 2000.]
60% of sexually active teenagers will at some point have sex with someone they are not dating.[6. Manning, Giordano, and Longmore. “Hooking up: The relationship contexts of ‘non-relationship’ sex.” Journal of Adolescent Research, 21(5), 2006: 459-483.]
49% of students who have intercourse during a hookup never see the other person again.[7. Bogle, Kathleen A. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. New York: New York University Press, 2008.]
61% of women who say hooking up makes them feel desirable also say it makes them feel awkward.[8. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. “Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right – College Women on Mating and Dating Today.” Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
44% of the time guys have an orgasm during a hookup, while girls have orgasms only 19% of the time.[9. “The Truth About Hooking Up.” Cosmopolitan. October, 2008: 190-1. England, Paula, PhD, Professor of Sociology, Stanford University.]
12% of women say that it is sometimes easier to have sex with a guy they don’t know than to make conversation.[10. Glenn, Norval and Marquardt, Elizabeth. “Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right – College Women on Mating and Dating Today.” Institute for American Values. July, 2001.]
/QUOTE
I find that “Hooking up” is an awful concept, because it promotes promiscuity and the clouding of judgment (you CANNOT objectively evaluate a person’s character or “marriage-worthiness” if you’re having sex with them!)
An unhealthy lifestyle that can break your heart, demean sex and make you hard-hearted/insensible.
“12% of hookups eventually lead to relationships”
Meaning: if you want to get married, “hooking up” is a strategy with a VERY low rate of “success” (is marrying a promiscuous person “success”, since promiscuity is strongly correlated to increased risk of divorce/breakup?).
In synthesis: dear readers, do NOT get involved in “hooking up”, ESPECIALLY if you plan to get married to someone.
reality bites
Wednesday, December 27, 2017 at 5:34 pm
Married American people, rejoice! Now you can use the:
Divorce Probability Calculator! Based on over 100 scientific studies and with a 13% margin of error:
https://divorceprobabilitycalculator.net/quiz/
I believe that it is also a survey, so answer truthfully as they’ll email to you an explanation about your final score ie. whether it’s good or bad.
P.S: There is also a question about premarital sex.
reality bites
Thursday, December 28, 2017 at 4:26 am
The situation in North America… Regarding virginity:
https://www.flowingdata.com/2017/03/17/when-americans-lost-their-virginity/
reality bites
Saturday, January 6, 2018 at 1:32 pm
Comments about the graph…
http://sheddingoftheego.com/2017/04/12/when-i-lost-my-virginity-visualized-in-a-graph/
reality bites
Saturday, January 6, 2018 at 1:51 pm
7 Stages of a Healthy Relationship
http://www.agape-aid.org/saveamarriage/infatuation.php
This series of articles explains the various stages of a relationship. (Not all relationships will manage to reach the seventh stage).
reality bites
Wednesday, January 10, 2018 at 4:10 pm
Hi Evelyn, I’m not quite sure what is eating my posts on your blog? Anyway, should you want to talk, I’ll visit this page at least every once in a while.
reality bites
Monday, April 16, 2018 at 1:05 am
Merry Christmas 2018 and Happy New Year 2019. 🙂
reality bites
Sunday, December 23, 2018 at 5:34 am
hello
nope
Saturday, February 20, 2021 at 6:01 pm